To wonder if most men are only as faithful as their options?

[Cara1986]

Just that really.. not a current issue for me in the present moment but have experienced it in the past and now have friends going through it, and see the constant posts on here too.. seems to be the case?

Are most men only as faithful as the options presented to them? Are men who would turn down a very attractive/fun/interesting/interested woman hitting on them (when they aren't free and single) in the minority?

I know many men may not go chasing for it, but I wonder if it's a much smaller percentage who would actively turn it down if it was handed to them on a plate.

However it is generally seen in statistics that men DO cheat more than women

But these 'statistics' don't tell us who is or is not cheating - after all, the pollsters don't follow people into their bedrooms and check the marital status of those doing the deed. They only tell us what % of men and women will ADMIT to cheating. Now, given that there are still more social taboos around female promiscuity and cheating than around male, it's not at all suprising that men might be more likely to admit to cheating than women would.

About an equal number of men and women are in relationships. So unless you're one of the small minority of men attractive enough to have lots of one night stands with unattached women, then chances are that men who cheat are doing so with women who are also cheating on their partners. It's just that women tend to be a lot more discreet about it.

I’m not sure about this one TBH. I think some men would, but then some women would as well. I think the percentage of men who would is likely to be significantly higher because men tend to have less complicated sex drives, plus in general they would probably have more opportunity, especially married men with DC. Also I expect the consequences for the majority of married men would be less severe as if they were found out and their wives left they’re less likely to be primary carer to DC, probably earn more etc.

I think the more interesting question is, would a higher percentage of men than women do something they would otherwise consider unacceptable if they knew there was no chance of them being found out? I think they would, and I think the things they would consider would be less acceptable than the things most women would consider. I think for example that a surprisingly high number of men would have sex with a very young girl if they knew they’d get away with it, or would rape a woman if they knew they’d get away with it. I’m not talking necessarily high percentages here, maybe not 50%, but even a low percentage is not good. There was a piece of research done in the US, not sure where it is but I might be able to find it if I look, where a large sample of men were asked if they would commit rape if they knew they’d get away with it, and the answer was 20% yes.

My DH worked abroad as an IT contractor many years ago, there was a lot of them (maybe 80 or so) across different teams. They were very highly paid, the local working laws meant that they had free time, some were single but many of them had wives, girlfriends and families at home and it was a party city so there was a lot of going out and socialising. It was a perfect storm of plenty of opportunity and no consequences and a surprisingly large number of them cheated. Of the men who weren't single I'd say 50-60% cheated and they had different patterns of cheating, some had longish term girlfriends, some had hookups and some went to the (legal) brothel.

They didn't bother to hide it from each other. I lived out there for a year of the nearly three years that DH was there and the girlfriends came to the restaurants with the group, or a gang would go to a club and some of them would hook up and disappear off.

I was pretty young and naive back then and I was really shocked at how many of them cheated and at what nice, normal guys they were (apart from the cheating). One of them had an arranged marriage, and had never had sex with any woman except his wife, and he cheated after 20 years of marriage, and I'm fairly sure that he wouldn't have except for it being so available and totally consequence-free.

I think men can compartmentalize much easier than women and can definitely separate sex from love quite easily.

@AlternativePerspective

YABU.

What I think people who throw out these generalised statements seem to be forgetting is that these men cheat with someone, so if that applies to men then surely it applies to women as well? And yet everyone is individual and infidelity is fairly publicly frowned upon, so it’s not as if men would do it because it’s seen as the accepted norm.

TBH I know far more women who have cheated than men.

But equally no-one knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. We hear about men who have cheated from the posters on here. If a woman posts on here that her DH is faithful she is invariably told that she is delusional and that she is just being smug but to not get too comfortable because it’s only a matter of time. So you only hear about the marriages where the man has cheated.

Also, it’s possible never to know. My parents had friends years back where it eventually emerged the wife had been having an affair for years, and no-one ever had any idea.

this.

My husband has had plenty of opportunities over the last 25 years. I can say hand on heart if an attractive woman stood naked in front of him he’d turn her down. Not all men are arseholes.

A lot of men are very shallow and vain like this, but so are an equal number of women. It's just that because men's sex drives are much higher, the shallowness often results in infidelity.

I'm lucky to have a good-looking DH. Through his 20s and 30s he was always being chatted up, but he's loyal to the core (or so he tells me anyway!).

He's always maintained that I'm his best friend and that betraying someone like that for the sake of sex is the very worse thing you can do.

He has a very, erm, 'healthy' interest in porn though...

I think there a lot of PP son this thread who are simply trying to prove that NAMALT. Yes, we know that, but just because NAMALT, i’d doesn’t say anything about the numbers of those who are, or the percentage who are in comparison to women.

I think if you look at it from a purely biological POV, PIV sex if it reaches its conclusion ends when a man ejaculates, not when a woman orgasms. PIV sex just isn’t designed to end at that point, even if that point is reached. If you look at the statistics of how many straight women orgasm during sex compared to how many straight men orgasm during sex there’s a huge disparity. How many men have you ever heard of who’ve never or rarely orgasm during sex, and how many women have never or rarely orgasm during sex? We hear from plenty of women on here who’ve never had an orgasm during heterosexual sex. Heterosexual sex for a man is far more likely to end in the man’s gratification than it is for the woman, just because that is how biology works, so by that logic more men should be more willing to engage in it than women. If you follow that logic further and say ONS for example, the chances of a woman having an orgasm during an ONS is far less likely than a man having an orgasm, so the chances of men being willing to have an ONS should logically be more likely than a woman. For more long term affairs then it’s different, but purely from a one off quicky POV men should be more likely to want to do it.

Yes, I think I agree that a lot of seemingly 'good' men would cheat given the right opportunity. But hopefully a lot wouldnt too.
I guess we never really know?
I would imagine that, in general, women are better at keeping schtum and covering their tracks when they are unfaithful.

I doubt mumsnet users are a good sample to ask as many are people who've had broken relationships. If you were on a vegetarian forum and asked if meat eating was bad you'd get a different reaction than if you were on a butchers forum.

@Hailtomyteeth

If a relationship is right, a man will not stray.

No. If he thinks he can get his cock in somewhere, he will. Trust me.

How many women do we see on MN who had no idea there was anything wrong with their relationship until they discovered their man was putting it about? They weren't wrong. The relationship was fine but the man was a man and that's what they do if they get the chance. You might get the odd one with genuine commitment to fidelity but they're the exceptions. In fact, I've never met one and I'm over sixty.

Sorry but I totally disagree. There are many men that would not and do not cheat.

Saying "if he thinks he can get his cock in somewhere he will" is an insult to decent men and they are not an exception.

If you have never met a decent man then I feel sorry for you

I def trust my husband. (Probably more then he does me.) I know of women who have had afairs. 1 the marriage was in trouble anyway and the affair was more of symptom then the cause of the break up.

You could say the same about women you know. Seen many threads on here of women saying they cheated because the other man gave them attention. Men and women do the exact same thing.

I doubt my partner would even notice if someone flirted with him to be honest, he's pretty oblivious to that kind of thing and I'd like to think that he wouldn't cheat on me, just like I wouldn't cheat on him. I don't believe you ever have a good reason to cheat, and if your relationship is that shit, get out of it, don't just shag someone else. If you're resorting to that, your relationship is dead. That should be the obvious sign.

Jesus that's a grim view of men. But then I don't really feel you will listen to a counter argument as you will juat say were deluded and our husband have cheated etc

Going of mumsnet then I would say yes.

From real life experience, I’ve met a few men who I think would cheat on their partners if given the opportunity. But most are very loyal to their partners. I have actually found that in my social circle, women are the ones who are more likely to cheat. Two of these women were very unhappy in their relationships and had meaningless one night stands when extremely drunk. They soon broke up with their partners after they had cheated and as far as I’m aware the partners never found out. The other woman I know was in a happy relationship but she was way more attractive than her husband and when the opportunity to sleep with an equally handsome work colleague arose, she went for it. It was the worst kept secret and literally everyone in our company knew they were having an affair except for the poor husband. It only ended when the other man left due to accusations of theft.

Out of the two men I know who cheated, one was in an unhappy relationship with his current wife and ended up having an affair and then marrying the woman he cheated on her with. They have now been happily married for over ten years and he is still madly in love with her. The other man had an ongoing relationship with another woman simply because he could. He was wealthy and handsome and could afford to have the other woman living as his mistress without his partner ever knowing.

Moral of the story, men and women can be equally shit and both cheat.

I do believe that if someone's head has been turned, and there is the possibility to do it and not get caught, most people will do it.
I don't think it is a matter of gender though. I think it depends on the persons character

Oh I also forgot the story of a girl I knew in my first job. She was dating the cousin of her manager (that’s how she came to be working there) and she constantly cheated on her boyfriend throughout her time there. She slept with colleagues, apprentices and students (we worked in a college/university and everyone was over 17!) sometimes actually within the building during work hours. She was always flirting and trying to hook up with people and her poor manager couldn’t get rid of her because the girl threatened to take legal action against her stating that she was being prejudiced against her due to their personal relationship. The boyfriend was well aware she was cheating on him but for some inexplicable reason he kept taking her back (even when she accused him of pimping her out after her step dad found inappropriate messages from several men on her mobile and he was arrested for it). It was crazy!

So yes, less opportunistic men and more opportunistic and selfish people in general!

People cheat. I have 3 sisters who of whom cheated on their husbands.

Also I spent som time on a hook up site -plenty of married women on there

And on my last overseas trip i was proposition by a married woman. Its not the first time

And a work colleague spent several days with a woman who was a month from her wedding.

I do know plenty of men who have cheated to.

I should have said 2 of my 3 sisters

Saying "if he thinks he can get his cock in somewhere he will" is an insult to decent men and they are not an exception. If you have never met a decent man then I feel sorry for you

Feel as sorry as you like. Introduce me to your husband and I'll let you know when he tries it on, with me or with someone else. You're being naive (and patronising, but we'll overlook that one) if you think anything other.

I think women are just as bad as men if I’m honest. My DHs ex managed to cheat on him and they had a newborn.

Thing is I think women are just better at it so never get caught. I read some of the posts on here about how women have found out cause the men have been really sloppy and I think to myself if I was ever going to cheat (not that I ever would FYI) I wouldn’t be so bloody stupid 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feel as sorry as you like. Introduce me to your husband and I'll let you know when he tries it on, with me

Based on that, we could just easily make the conclusion that you think every man will fall at your feet dying to be with you. But that's obviously not the case. The same can be said of men. Not every man will cheat. Not every woman will cheat. Some will in either gender. Neither are better than the other.

I think women are just as bad as men if I’m honest. My DHs ex managed to cheat on him and they had a newborn.

Yeah, my partners last two exs both cheated on him. One actually got pregnant and tried to pretend the baby was his. Thankfully he wasnt stupid and just believed her, he got a dna test done.

@Cakerequired the same thing happened to my brother, it was my parents that pushed him to get a DNA test as he was just going to take her word the baby was his, even though she had been caught cheating around the time of conception. Lo and behold it came back he was not the father.

@VioletSunset

Thank god he did. Why just take her word for it? Already proven to be a liar, and with shagging multiple men around the same time it could be anyone's. This happens a lot too, and they choose the 'better' guy in their eyes usually hoping it will be him. Why not just find out first before leading anyone on into thinking they are a father? That's just cruel.

I think he was just very naive, and he really did like her and wanted the baby to be his. He was only 20 at the time. He was absloutley gutted when the test came back.