To wonder if most men are only as faithful as their options?

[Cara1986]

Just that really.. not a current issue for me in the present moment but have experienced it in the past and now have friends going through it, and see the constant posts on here too.. seems to be the case?

Are most men only as faithful as the options presented to them? Are men who would turn down a very attractive/fun/interesting/interested woman hitting on them (when they aren't free and single) in the minority?

I know many men may not go chasing for it, but I wonder if it's a much smaller percentage who would actively turn it down if it was handed to them on a plate.

No idea. Perhaps you should do an anonymous survey of the men on mumsnet and see what they say.

Personally I have known men that would take up any offer or opportunity and have cheated constantly. But I have also known men at the other end of the spectrum who were too loyal, their partner cheats on them but they keep taking her back and do not cheat themselves.

I don’t think that’s true of most men. I think the danger is a man or woman being hit on when they’re having problems in their relationship or feeling unsatisfied by other parts of their life and think this is the answer.

@SurreyHillsGirl

he didn't take advantage because she was drunk, And I don't think he was attracted to her anyway. The way he told the story told me everything I needed to know about his values

Well not really, if he wasn't attracted to her anyway, you haven't really established anything about his values from that experience

Plus "not taking advantage" of a very drunk woman is completely different to cheating. Seems a very low bar to set.

Maybe I’ve just been lucky but I’ve never been cheated on. I’ve had two long term serious relationships (including current marriage) then a relationship which lasted a year in my late teens plus have had a couple of more casual relationships. Never been cheated on, just hasn’t happened. I’m not naive and know everyone is capable of cheating if they really wanted to but my DH would be eaten alive by guilt. He’s terrible at lying and has a tendency to just say whatever is on his mind so I don’t think it’s something he’d do. He’s also a bit dorky and struggled to get a girlfriend before we met so he’s not the type to have women following him around .

My MIL cheated on FIL numerous times throughout their marriage but FIL didn’t cheat once. It isn’t always a male thing...

It's a huge generalisation but based on my knowledge of men in my work place, some of my previous partners and the number of married men I've come across on dating sites, I think that yes, a lot of men are only as faithful as their opinions.

I am amazed at how open some men are about cheating, meeting OW for lunch in the middle of town and v visible to colleagues, calling OW from the office phone, asking them to come to the office reception to meet them etc. So many women have no idea at all how easy it is for men to create time to meet these OW.

YABU.

But that’s only because I trust my husband 100%.

He goes on city breaks about about 2-3 times a year (sometimes alone, sometimes with a friend) and it would never even cross my mind that he’d cheat. He’s good looking, he’s funny, he’s outgoing and I’m sure some women might try it on with him, but like I said, I trust him 100%.

Next year he’s going on a stag do abroad for 5 days and again - not one part of me thinks he would cheat on me even if he had the opportunity.

I’ve been cheated on in the past and I look back on my dating history and I’m sure some other of my boyfriends would have cheated if they’d been given the opportunity, but I trust my husband.

Men are either cheaters or they aren’t - regardless of whether the opportunity presents or not.

My DP has a story about a very drunk girl (neighbour in block of flats) getting very drunk and getting into bed with him, when he was single. He didn't take advantage because she was drunk, And I don't think he was attracted to her anyway. The way he told the story told me everything I needed to know about his values.

All you’ve learnt from that story is that your DP isn’t a rapist (although only provided he isn’t attracted to the woman in question).

It says a lot that some women think ‘man refrains from raping woman he isn’t attracted to’ is praiseworthy.

Men cheat as much as women

I think monogamy and ability to do it well, come down to a few different things.
Whether you find comfort and pleasure in familiarity or whether you are more excited by novelty. Whether you are imaginative enough to keep passion alive.
Whether you are flattered/excited or annoyed when other options are on the table.

Replace ‘Men’ with ‘People’ in your initial question and yes I agree. Silly to think women don’t cheat as much OP. Certainly hasn’t been my experience!

I’ve also never been cheated on (to my knowledge) and I’ve only ever known one cheater in quite a wide and varied social circle over the years. That was my BIL and not a surprise. He got away with it for 3 years and my sister didn’t have a clue which was the most shocking thing.

My DH has had offers and opportunity but has not cheated or been tempted (so he says) which I believe as I am completely paranoid after BIL and having childhood trust issues. I’ve made it very clear that if he wants something else, he should leave. I’ll survive and so will the DC.

Obviously personality has a part to play as well as childhood conditioning, if their parents cheated it’s more common similarly to alcoholics etc. I don’t believe that ALL men would cheat if given the chance. Some do have self control and can look but not touch!

YADNBU

A know an incredibly broad spectrum of men and only a very small handful of them do I believe to be 100% loyal.

I was in the trusting my husband camp and then it transpired he had had many affairs. Becoming single was an eye opener, so many men portraying themselves as loyal husbands but appearing on dating and swinging sites, not to mention the ones just casually messaging to ask if I needed a 'shoulder to cry on'. These are just the ones actively seeking.

Not all, just because there aren't really any absolutes in regards to human behviour, but most.

It's always going to be a value proposition though. No they're probably not going to go for a fumble with someone who is about as attractive as their current partner and has the potential of throwing their lives into turmoil if they decide sex isn't enough.

However, very few of the men who get the experience of have 20-something models throwing themselves at them, with the promise of discretion (through fame, money or what have you) seem to manage to remain faithful.

@Arcadia

My DP has a story about a very drunk girl (neighbour in block of flats) getting very drunk and getting into bed with him, when he was single. He didn't take advantage because she was drunk, And I don't think he was attracted to her anyway. The way he told the story told me everything I needed to know about his values. I don't think anyone is completely cheat proof through. I trust him but know that it could happen to anyone certain circumstances.

Wow congrats your DP isn’t a rapist

YANBU to believe that men would be more likely to accept it if it was put in front of them....

That’s not to say women don’t cheat and that all men are the same, people are individuals.

However it is generally seen in statistics that men DO cheat more than women. It varies by age but the overall trend is that there is more infidelity on the mans part. You can argue anecdotal evidence of course, your experiences of the men and women in your life but report after report after report tells us it’s the men doing most of the cheating.

No one can ever predict how someone else will act and to be honest you cannot predict how yourself will act in the future - how many times have you heard “I just couldn’t help myself / I would never have thought I’d do X”.... about different scenarios.

Trusting someone and knowing that they are human and life isn’t black and white and shit happens aren’t mutually exclusive.

I trust my partner and have no insecurities in our relationship at all but I am not so naive to bet my life savings that he would or could never cheat. People do shit things, doesn’t mean I have to sit around waiting for it, but I’m aware it’s not an against the realms of possibility

Replace ‘Men’ with ‘People’ in your initial question and yes I agree. Silly to think women don’t cheat as much OP. Certainly hasn’t been my experience!

I think the data available on this suggests that men are more likely to be unfaithful and are more likely to think cheating is ok, although obviously the data has its flaws and limitations. And usually the statistics don’t factor in the use of prostitutes/escorts, which women definitely don’t do as much.

i thought the stats were that men and women were just as likely to cheat?

@Ponoka7

"I only know of one having been unfaithful and it is not a socially acceptable thing in any of my circles"

Could that be that they don't admit to it because it isn't acceptable? Or the friendship group means so much to them?

Ime, most men would cheat if they could. I know of stag etc parties, all married/partners, who have come back from holidays with STIs. I've been shocked by who I've been chatted up by and now my DD's are finding the same.

Contrary to some smug people's beliefs you can't tell who will be faithful, good partners or good parents. Only time will tell.

I'll bite. Fine with being told I'm smug.

I've never met someone who claimed that "you can never know/predict who'll cheat" who wasn't very limited in their ability to judge people by personality and behaviour.

My judgement of my husband is that he's spectacularly unlikely to cheat. Not because I think he's a bastion of moral perfection. Because he's not usually attracted to the women who fancy him. Because he is sweet but oddly off putting when he DOES like someone. Because he lacks initiative. Because he's a shit liar and isn't a natural one. Because he is moral enough to not to have a one night stand. Because he generally prioritises others happiness.

For him to cheat, he'd have to attract a woman, like her and be proactive enough to do something about it. Or just be stupidly blind drunk enough to do something he normally wouldn't (and he's REALLY unattractive, let alone sexually incapable at that point!).

He's lucky that I was assertive enough to pursue HIM. He's also lucky that I have no interest in cheating, because I rate my own abilities to lie, be selfish, hurt, compartmentalise and deceive as far more sophisticated than his.

I think this goes for many, many things - not just cheating.
You can never sure how you or your partner will react, until you're in a position of being in that situation.
Like, you might say you'd never move house - but what if you find a house that completely blows you away that you can afford?
You might say you're 100% loyal to your company, but what about when a more successful company offers you a better position, closer to home, for more pay and less hours?

Same in relationships. You might think you or your partner would never cheat, but you never know - you never think it could happen to your relationship! - until you're faced with it.

Sometimes the spark fades in a relationship and you meet someone and end up falling for them without meaning to. I also think in the days of social media it's far too easy to contact people and to let situations escalate, that probably wouldn't have in the past.

So everyone here can say my husband and I would NEVER cheat as much as they want.. but you'll only think that until it happens.

I'll bite. Fine with being told I'm smug.

I've never met someone who claimed that "you can never know/predict who'll cheat" who wasn't very limited in their ability to judge people by personality and behaviour.

My judgement of my husband is that he's spectacularly unlikely to cheat. Not because I think he's a bastion of moral perfection. Because he's not usually attracted to the women who fancy him. Because he is sweet but oddly off putting when he DOES like someone. Because he lacks initiative. Because he's a shit liar and isn't a natural one. Because he is moral enough to not to have a one night stand. Because he generally prioritises others happiness.

I’m with you to some extent. I know what you mean in the sense that assessment of my husband is also that he’s unlikely to have an affair. I don’t think it’s impossible, but I think it’s unlikely. Partly because he’s a good person but mainly because he’s very, very introverted, and really quite lazy. I’d be very surprised if he could be arsed to go out, meet someone, and muster up the effort required to deceive me and carry on an affair. He’d rather be watching TV or doing some project around the house.

The only perk of having a lazy husband, frankly.

But just because you and I feel fairly confident in our assessment that our husbands wouldn’t cheat, I just don’t think it follows that anyone who says ‘you can’t tell who’s going to cheat’ is a poor judge of character. I think that’s victim blaming. Some people are very good liars and are really adept at concealing their true character. Or they change in character over time. Or the circumstances change such that cheating becomes an easy option.

That's exactly it, OP.

Absolutely 💯 %. My exh was the most sweet, humble, shy, nerdy/geek , awkward nice man you could ever ask to meet. We broke up after I fucked up. He dated a few women, all pretty much long term and serious, but he would have thrown it all away for a quicky with me.

He pestered me quite a bit, after our divorce.

He still maintained he was a good guy and if you ever met him, you would be convinced he was a safe option.

I don't think so.
I guess it depends. I doubt it if they're punching with their current partner they would.
Some men absolute adore the support of their partner and wouldn't risk losing them.
I think if anyone is unhappy it is easier to cheat. My ex was a cheat he still is and always will be even though he is a father of 4 last I heard his wife got rid of him.

This is not an exact science, and I would never ever tell my married/coupled up friends this but I tend to divide their partners into two camps. The first camp is faithful, the second is that if the opportunity presented its self they would definitely cheat. This is just a gut feeling on my part and does not even depend on if I like them or not but this is probably just me and no one knows what goes on between couples.

I agree with your OP.
And I don't agree that most women are just as likely to cheat if given the chance (with someone they found attractive). Not as likely as men