Who is really unreasonable here? I’ve been made out to be awful

[WendyToba]

I went out to dinner yesterday with SIL, her two DC, my DC and a friend of hers.

It was just a Beefeater type of place so nothing fancy. DC was asleep by the time as got there for 6 so didn’t eat anything. I had a olives, plate of chicken nuggets, chips, a coke and a WKD. For desert I had a cheesecake.

SIL and her friend had a steak each with chips, few bottles of wine between them. No desert. SIL’s DC had a kids meal each with a drink, and a desert which was separate fo the child’s one that came with the meal, as they wanted something else.

I did a total in my head for my food to have been about £21/22, so put £25 down in cash. There was no discussion of splitting the bill, the others just paid their own by card.

Received a text this morning from SIL that said her friend really likes her but they both wondered why I didn’t offer to split all of the alcohol together? So my WKD, their bottle of wines and then split that between us. Pay for our own food. I replied because my WKD was cheap? She said why do I think that?

What on earth do I reply? She’s just said that via text. I think it’s a bit off... isn’t it?

What an absolute twunt she is.. disgusting behaviour from an adult.

Tbf to the friend, she had no children with her and no requirement to be responsible for SiL's children.

Cheeky fucker SIL. Ignore.

And now just block her. Follow your DHs lead. It's not like he's going to be annoyed with you, he already thinks she's rude!

Move on, don't let her occupy any more of your brain!

Oh, and well done for that really robust response. That show you aren't a lonely pushover!

Tbf to the friend, she had no children with her and no requirement to be responsible for SiL's children.

Sorry, yes - my mistake.

So she specifically invited you to subsidise her meal and now she wants to borrow money because you didn't???!!!

Honestly I think you’re better off out of the company of someone who prioritises eating out and wine over their own child’s school trip, she’s done you a favour by showing her true colours. I’m by no means a saint but I’m doing absolutely nothing for my own birthday next week as my child needed new school shoes and trainers and that’s where my money has gone. If I knew my children had a school trip that needed paying for I wouldn’t be eating out at all - would just eat whatever I had in at home, never mind drinking wine as well. If it were me I’d consider myself well out of a situation with people with totally different priorities to myself, of course it is not your job to fund either her social life or her child’s school trip, she needs to grow up and fast.

Just out of interest, do her children have godparents who were ostensibly chosen because they were very close but also just happen to be the wealthiest people by some margin that they know?

WendyToba: I’ve been made to look ridiculous now.

Honestly, no, you haven’t at all. I wanted to reply to this as someone who has moved a lot both as a child and as an adult. If you want local companionship (and most people do), you put yourself out there, as much as you can, and take chances when you’re fitting in in a new place. It can be uncomfortable.

I understand your disappointment - you thought you’d possibly found a local friend, maybe two. But your SIL has been outrageously rude. Who on earth invites someone out and says “oh, we just felt sorry for you”? Who expects a newcomer to the area to know how “we” do things “around here” - which in this case almost certainly means a small group and not the whole local area - without being told in advance?

Personally, I wouldn’t necessarily be rude back - in fact, I might even give (not lend) her the ten quid for the sake of your niece or nephew - if you can afford it and you think the trip is legit - but I’d avoid your SIL after that. As your DH already is, at least you don’t have to worry about causing a family rift!!

Just thought you’d be kind and share

"Just thought you’d be kind and share your money but I'm not sharing my wine what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own!"

SIL should have paid the most, perhaps feels guilty. Trying to make you feel bad now instead?

God, just ignore her. They are both a pair of pisstakers, "my friend likes you but "

Our School isn't taking hard cash at the moment, so she will have to tell the school she spent it in the boozer pay online anyway.

Tough shit.

A bottle of wine each is basically going out on the piss with kids in tow imo.Sorry to be a bit judgy but

What a cheeky fucker.
I’m sorry, OP. She’s shown you who she is now.

Well she didn't invite you "to be nice" did she?

She invited you in order to have an extra person to split the bill with and therefore drink more wine than she could afford - then to call you out is spectacularly rude.

She is a cf, if your dh doesn't have much to do with her you don't need to either. As you get to know more people in the area, hopefully you will make like minded friends.

She shouldn't have spent more than she could afford and asking for money from you is just ridiculous!

I want to be friends with your SIL , she would be an endless pit of entertainment for me
glad you stood up to her though

God I'd have just said "I paid more than my meal cost so what's the issue? You cant possibly be complaining that I didn't pay for your food and drink aswell as my own?"

And add in "if you're skint then you shouldn't have spent as much as you did"

Scruffy, sponging cow.

I would block amd ignore forever.

The good thing is you've made it clear you aren't a pushover when when she got defensive and rude but I'd stop replying now while you're ahead.

Well done you for standing up to her. I doubt the friend has said anything and SIL is just throwing that in to make it sound like 2 against 1. Her argument has no logic - if you hadn't gone with them they would be in exactly the same situation with paying their own share. The school trip thing is a lie, she feels you owe her so is trying to get money from you.

isn't she also asking you (and her friend) to pay for her 2 kids meals? (unless free)

In fact her friend, if they shared, did pay for a kids meal as well as the drinks.

It's a very bizarre text. It's the sort of text that someone who feels shortchanged might write. Can you double check the costs on the menu and specifically tell her how you spent within your budget. If you're mistaken offer to rectify it. If not, say, sorry but around here, if someone is drinking much more, they wouldn't expect someone else to subsidise this - if we meet up again, we can sort out in advance how to split bill, so that we can all control how much we are happy to spend and have enough budget for other things.

I went out for a meal with a group once and no one was drinking wine. Me and DH ordered a nice bottle and just paid for it there and then on a separate bill. At the end of the meal, when it came to split, we just went to split and one couple kicked off about not paying for our wine. I explained we had paid for that separately and it wasn't on this bill and they shut up. From being quite happy to split the bill, I then felt inwardly pissed off that we had "subsidised" all the starters, soft drinks, coffees, desserts, liquers etc (we'd just had a main meal, tap water and wine) but kept my mouth shut to not ruin the occasion. My point is, people that are happy to let others subsidise them would not be happy if roles were reversed. She has pretty much said she's not happy that you didn't pay for her wine! Who wouldn't feel embarrassed to say that?!

so basically she spent the money for a school trip on alcohol. Yeah, that looks good doesn't it.