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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think we can't come back from this?

126 replies

PIPERHELLO · 04/11/2020 22:04

So new BF of one month, with whom I have been having wild and amazing sex that he has admitted is the best of his life - he is not the best communicator. Tonight he sounded a bit 'off' on the phone, maybe work stress I thought, so I asked him if all was OK, and did he have any worries / concerns. No, he replied. I pushed it - stupid me. He said he maybe had one, but he didn't want to say. I pushed it - even stupider me. He said he thought I was 'extremely attractive, very pretty' but that he had never been with someone my size before. I am large - size 20.
It has - irritatingly - completely knocked me for six. We were having such an amazing time, and such amazing sex, and such lovely intimacy. And this has just brought back so many negative thoughts for me . so many body insecurities. I hate feeling like this.

He immediately realised he had upset me, and apologised. Said I had pushed him and he would otherwise have never said anything, which I think is true.

He cannot control his thoughts / feelings I guess. And he reassured me that he found me very attractive, but just said all his previous partners had been slim.

I just cannot shake off the feeling of feeling really shit about it all. I felt so great, so sexual with him before, and now I just feel like I want to not get naked with him ever again. Which is sad because the sex was amazing....

Help please...not just LTB comments, something more helpful / insightful please.

OP posts:

ReneeRol · 04/11/2020 22:12

You'll always feel self conscious with him, I don't think there is a come back for that.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 04/11/2020 22:13

You seem overly invested in the sex. Some men will have sex with anyone just so they have sex. I'd advise building an emotional connection first and foremost.

Also, don't push people on subjects you don't want to hear.

ShrimpSymphony · 04/11/2020 22:14

I don’t think you can come back from that now it would always be in your mind

yelyah22 · 04/11/2020 22:16

YANBU to feel that way. I would feel shaken too, because he is obviously attracted to you - so his concerns seem to be from a 'what other people think' perspective, which would knock me (a size 18 and generally very body confident) too.

My response would be to ask why that bothers him, and if he said anything other than 'I'm not sure, and I apologise because it's not relevant to how brilliant you are and I think I have some shit I need to unpack in my head', I'd not be able to deal with it. I am completely aware that there's a prevailing narrative that thinner = better, and that there's still a horrible streak of men being judged for the perceived 'hotness' of their chosen partner, and I can understand a man feeling that pressure. But not being able to dismiss it as nasty internalised bollocks and not letting it affect their behaviour would bother me.

nanbread · 04/11/2020 22:17

If he finds you attractive and you're having a great time, why would it be bothering him?

Sounds like it's his own insecurities at play?

Hahaha88 · 04/11/2020 22:18

Why would it matter that he's not been with someone whose a size 20 before? Either he likes you, regardless of whether he's dated someone you size before or he doesn't. I mean maybe you've not dated someone his height or weight or with his hair colour or even penis size. But you like him so you're with him. I wouldn't want to be with someone who found it an issue to date me simply because he'd not dated someone my size before. Do all his previous gfs fit a mould or something and he just replicates them?

Stompythedinosaur · 04/11/2020 22:18

I think he is showing you who he really is - and that is someone shallow and who is happy to hurt you with his words.

GreekOddess · 04/11/2020 22:18

What a complete moron. Either he is not attracted to you and is having sex for the sake of having sex or he is attracted to you but cares what others think.

Either way he is a loser and you can definitely do better. I would not in a million years criticise a partners appearance it's cruel. if you are not attracted you should blame it on lack of chemistry not give the other person an inferiority complex!

Lookingoutside · 04/11/2020 22:20

This could be the beginning of him attempting to destroy your confidence. Are there other red flags which point to abusive tendencies on his part?

PumpkinPie2016 · 04/11/2020 22:21

Why does your size matter to him? He either finds you attractive and wants to be with you or he doesn't.

To be honest, I would be considering whether I wanted to continue the relationship.

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 04/11/2020 22:23

@GreekOddess

What a complete moron. Either he is not attracted to you and is having sex for the sake of having sex or he is attracted to you but cares what others think.

Exactly this! He sounds awful. And to make out you ‘pushed’ him into saying it?! He was being ‘off’ so obviously wanted you to ask what was wrong or was just trying the age old be a bit shit til you dump them

AlrightTreacle · 04/11/2020 22:24

So new BF of one month, with whom I have been having wild and amazing sex that he has admitted is the best of his life - he is not the best communicator.

I'd move him from the boyfriend pile to the 'blinded by lust fling pile'. And that's not saying that he's been blinded by lust, but you perhaps you have? Sex is important in a relationship, but communication is much more so. Be honest, if you take away the wild and amazing sex, do you enjoy his company? Does he make you feel good about yourself? (apart from tonight). The sex will fade after the honeymoon period, and tbh he sounds like a bit of a tasteless shallow arse .

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 04/11/2020 22:24

You've been with him a month. 4 weeks. Why would you want to be with someone who is bothered by the dimensions of your body?

GreenClock · 04/11/2020 22:24

I think it’s his way of telling you that he’d like you to lose weight before you meet his friends and family. It’s not on, OP. You need to have this out with him but tbh you’ll never feel relaxed with him again, so separating might be for the best.

AlrightTreacle · 04/11/2020 22:25

*tactless, but tasteless could also work!

EmpressoftheMundane · 04/11/2020 22:27

Slightly off topic but I read about a sociologist with access to Google analytics. What did he learn? Men are attracted to much heavier women than they admit to. Seems that many heterosexual men are naturally attracted to fuller figures, but are socialised to see being with thinner women as more status enhancing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/11/2020 22:28

Why would it be bothering him? I don’t understand. Either the chemistry and logistics work - you seem sure they do - or they don’t.

You do mention the sex a lot. Is there anything else between you? It’s only been a month.

Is he trying to end it because you won’t be shagging again for at least the next month?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/11/2020 22:28

Not going all LTB
But you can’t come back from that
It will always play on your mind
So in service of your own self esteem ..... walk away OP
If he crawls back , great (maybe)
But assert your boundaries as you and we deserve people that make us feel valued

DianaT1969 · 04/11/2020 22:30

You call him a boyfriend. Have you been going out on dates? Do you talk a lot? Or is it mainly a physical relationship? What do you want? If it's just sex, then that's probably on offer. If it's a boyfriend/partner then he sounds as if he's talking himself out of that. Why not tell him you need some space and you might be in touch in a few weeks. Just to give yourself a chance to decide what you want.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/11/2020 22:30

The sex will fade after the honeymoon period

Not necessarily true. But you do need more than great sex to keep you together. You can definitely keep the spark alive but if shagging is all you’ve got, what if one of you gets ill, or, as now, you can’t do it for 4+ weeks.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/11/2020 22:31

You maybe shouldnt have pushed it, but he was a total idiot for saying what he did. Some things should remain left, if it’s unlikely there’s going to be any way of coming back from them. Size is generally one of those topics - waaay too personal. You will always have it at the back of your mind now. It’s obviously your call, but I think sadly it may be time to move on from this, somewhat immature, man op.

icelollycraving · 04/11/2020 22:34

I’m a similar size to you. Not had problems attracting men. The way I see it, if a man was only interested in someone slim, that’s who they’d date. The only time I’ve had someone mention my weight in a derogatory way has been because I wasn’t sleeping with them and I’d turned them down/ needed a bit of dating first.
It may be that someone has seen you together and made a comment that you’re not his type or he may be a shit. If you’re sleeping together and having fun, great. If he’s making you self conscious, not great.
We all have our preferences. Some men like an athletic build, some like slender, some like pear shaped, some like plus size. Nothing wrong with having a ‘type’ everything wrong with hurting someone’s feelings because they suddenly don’t fit that fantasy.
Being an adult means realising there is often compromise both in looks but in some characteristics too.
If you feel hurt, take a step back and consider if he’s worth the bash to your self confidence.

Bootikin · 04/11/2020 22:34

So sorry OP. You are NOT at fault for pushing for better communication!

It is totally possible to have wild and amazing sex with someone who is not worthy of your heart and mind. Try to gently disengage your justifyable lust / desire from the chap who may be fanciable but is, alas, a twat. Lots of em out there sadly.

It may be that the best man out there isn’t a sexual firecracker but an utter gem (or he may be?) but if he’s an arse, the sexy thrill will go so fast. Find someone who loves you as you are now!

Aldilogue · 04/11/2020 22:36

He can’t be that concerned about it if you have amazing sex. That’s a strange thing to say.

PanamaPattie · 04/11/2020 22:37

You are just having sex with him. You haven't known him long enough to call him your boyfriend. He has already told you that his previous partners were slim - that is a cruel comment and perhaps designed to push you into losing weight to keep him or undermine your confidence enough so that you are grateful for his attention. You are worth more.

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