AIBU to think we can't come back from this?

[PIPERHELLO]

So new BF of one month, with whom I have been having wild and amazing sex that he has admitted is the best of his life - he is not the best communicator. Tonight he sounded a bit 'off' on the phone, maybe work stress I thought, so I asked him if all was OK, and did he have any worries / concerns. No, he replied. I pushed it - stupid me. He said he maybe had one, but he didn't want to say. I pushed it - even stupider me. He said he thought I was 'extremely attractive, very pretty' but that he had never been with someone my size before. I am large - size 20.
It has - irritatingly - completely knocked me for six. We were having such an amazing time, and such amazing sex, and such lovely intimacy. And this has just brought back so many negative thoughts for me . so many body insecurities. I hate feeling like this.

He immediately realised he had upset me, and apologised. Said I had pushed him and he would otherwise have never said anything, which I think is true.

He cannot control his thoughts / feelings I guess. And he reassured me that he found me very attractive, but just said all his previous partners had been slim.

I just cannot shake off the feeling of feeling really shit about it all. I felt so great, so sexual with him before, and now I just feel like I want to not get naked with him ever again. Which is sad because the sex was amazing....

Help please...not just LTB comments, something more helpful / insightful please.

I am sorry but you are idealising a relationship which is only a month old.

At this stage it seems that it is more about sex than anything else. I think you are mistaking lust/casual sex on the guy's part for commitment/real intimacy. Many men will happily have sex if it is available to them and they will tell you what you want to hear to keep that going for a bit, that does not mean they see you as long term potential. It is a hard lesson to learn.

It is probably why he is starting to distance himself if you don't have a connection beyond sex.

If you are already feeling insecure and making excuses for him I would say it is obvious he is not the right person for you.

1] He must have known what his opinions were before he starting seeing you, so why string you along ?

or 2] Someone whose opinion he takes notice of, has made a comment about you. If so, how shallow.

Decide what you want. If you get to know each other better chances are that then you'll continue to have more (than) great sex. However there is always a chance that you'll decide you're not compatible. 4 weeks isn't a long time to get to know someone.

You are worth more.

Wow! Overwhelmed by the responses, thank you, So pleased I posted, many of you have really articulated why I found what he said such an issue but I was struggling to articulate it clearly to him.

I think in summary, it is his issue to resolve in his head. It's a big fucking pity, because what he said has knocked me, and I have gone from feeling complete and utter wild, unashamed abandonment and confidence with him (a huge reason the sex was so good I think) to feeling a bit 'meh'....My view on him has changed too I think -as a result of what he said; it's rung big alarm bells in terms of the niggling doubts I had of him being a bit under confident and a bit of a 'Norman normal'. I don't want an under confident guy.

I honestly don't know he has an issue with it, an I'm not sure he knows either. I think it must be to do with societal norms / expectations etc. But like many of you said, that is his weird shit to sort out in his own head. Not my issue.

To be really, fucking crystal clear, I absolutely refuse to let this knock my confidence. I have worked fuckign hard over the years since my divorce to feel great about me. Yep I'd like to be thinner, but having been thinner I know it is not the silver bullet. And my god I have shitloads of other stuff that is bloody good.

I am absolutely not going to be abused by any man, trust me. I have my own house, independence, finances, great job, great life etc and there is no way in hell anyone is going to undermine any of that.

I think the issue is actually the opposite in some ways; I have developed such confidence and self esteem that I think a lot of men struggle to 'handle' me. without wishing to sound like a tw@ I am more 'successful' than a lot of men I meet; earn more, have more assets, am more confident etc, and I think many men cannot deal with that. I need someone super fucking cool with who I am and therefore who they are, and that is hard to find. A lot of men are pretty under confident themselves, I find.

So in terms of how I plan to proceed...I think I may see if the wild sex can still work...I'm not sure it can, but I might give it a go because it was bloody nice. I think we also need to have a further conversation about things, but at the same time I do not want to make it into an even bigger issue, and especially when I am clear it's his fucking issue!

Anyway, thanks all. PHx

I think that you should listen carefully to what he's saying and be very careful about who you invest in emotionally.

Sadly there are men out there who will happily partake in the best sex of their lives with plus size women that because of their own hang ups and prejudices they won't recognise as being in a official i.e. a public relationship. These shallow people are not worthy of the ground you walk on.

If this is what he's trying to tell you he has a major issue.

@PIPERHELLO sorry posted before I saw your update. Good for you! You sound fab. If wild sex on your terms works go for it...

I think this will always play on your mind. So, I would walk away.

There is a difference in someone gently raising concerns about someone putting on weight in the context of a long term relationship (generally for health reasons rather than anything else), but this is too early on and makes me think that he wants to put you on the back foot a little.

I’m sure you are beautiful, and there are plenty more men out there

Just read your update. Woman goals!!!

Men have relationships for good sex all the time and then end it because they don't feel a connection to have a longer relationship. It happens to everyone for a multitude of reasons, and its often hurtful.

Im a bit puzzled as to why you are focusing on sex quite so much. Emotional intimacy and shared dates are good as well. A relationship cannot just be all about sex. Do you connect with him on a deeper level?

Women do it too. I've dumped a guy I was seeing because he just wasn't good enough looking for me, and I've turned down men because they look too old or are bald. Yes, the sex might have been good, but that's not all there is.

Not sure how old you are but younger guys tend to be quite immature when they start dating someone. They show pictures of her off to their friends and friend approval is really important to them. If you’re quite young it could potentially be that he’s shown his friends a photo of you and they have all proceeded to mock him.

I don’t say this to make you feel any worse fwiw, just trying to think of reasons why he’d suddenly let your size deter him- he obviously hasn’t been bothered up till now! I’d definitely end things, you’ll be self conscious from here on out otherwise.

All your talk of confidence and independence rings a bit hollow for me OP, only yesterday you were trying to figure out how to introduce him to your dd after four weeks together. Posters had to advise you not to have your dd meet him at breakfast the morning after the night before. You need to step waàaaaay back.

TBF to him, I don't think he's actually said he dislikes your size, has he? You say he said 'he had never been with someone my size before.' and 'just said all his previous partners had been slim.'
I mean, I get it, I get why it would make you feel self-conscious – but he's sought to reassure you that he finds you attractive.

As a bigger lady I’ll answer this for you, he is attracted for you but he’s scared what his friends will say when they know you are a larger lady. I’ve had this bull all my life and it hurts like mad.
Let him go and find someone who is genuine 💐

@Chickychickydodah - I don't think that's it. I could be wrong of course. But I don't think that's it...Jesus that would be shallow...! Possible, I guess. But my gut feel says he really doesn't know why it's a consideration for him and he is confused.

@IntermittentParps - you are right, he has said many times he finds me extremely attractive, and pretty. But then why is this even an issue!?

@Noitjustwontdo - he is not young. At all. Has had life experience etc.

@Chickychickydodah do you mind me asking how large you are?

I know I am big, and sometimes I do feel shit about that. But sometimes, to that infrequently, I look in the mirror and think I am hot! And also, I think what I now realise - it has taken many years - is that my confidence is what makes me hot sexually. Not the way I look.

And also, Jesus there are so many more important things to worry about in the world. It amazes me that people have such little experience of the world to think that this is a key issue. When you have been through shit times in life it makes you realise - surely - that having a close, intimate and good human connection is the key thing. Bizarre.

But then why is this even an issue!?
I don't know. But you say you feel that he doesn't even know himself!

We're all subject to social pressure and not even aware of all of it; maybe he's internalised messages about size/weight/attractiveness (we all get bombarded with them all the time). Maybe even though he genuinely finds you attractive, that internalised voice is telling him it's strange to.

It's like me telling myself – and believing, because I do – that having mad short scruffy hair and being very tall for a woman doesn't make me unattractive, while at the same time being aware of a little voice saying petite women with long glossy hair are 'better'.

Not v well expressed but I hope you get what I mean...

Hi OP. From reading your posts, I think you sound really fabulous and he sounds extremely insecure. Great sex aside, I think the lack of confidence that he is displaying in his own desires and decisions, and his obvious preoccupation with what he perceives others may be thinking, will start to really bother you in the end and you may lose respect for him.

I am bigger than you op and my husband tells me I'm beautiful every day. He's proud taking me out, definitely not ashamed to be with me in public as some lovely previous post said. Your boyfriend should treat you like the beautiful sexy woman you are and any comments like this would be a red flag for me

@Somethingsnappy - aw, thank you!! That is so lovely to read. Again, without sounding like a total tw@, I do feel amazing!! I feel like I have achieved shed loads in my life and I just want someone awesome to share it all with, but that someone needs to be liberated, independent of thought and sadly I think this guy has illustrated he doesn't have that by this comment. As tiny as it was, I think it illustrates a much wider problem.

@IntermittentParps - bang on, I agree completely.

@Shoxfordian - exactly. That is what I want. He sounds lovely. :)

What do you want to hear OP

"He didn't mean to hurt your feelings op - you did push him."

"If it wasn't an issue for him he wouldn't have said anything. Clearly it is an issue which will only get worse as time passes".

Take your pick.

Sounds like classic negging to me. The whole performance over him making you drag it out of him is just a play. He wabt to pretend he's so concerned about you that he didn't want to say when of course he fucking wanted to say something. If the sex is that good he can't be that bothered. He just wants to create a dynamic where you should be greatful to be with him.

Sorry but I don't see how you can come back from this. I'm the same size as you and couldn't. It's not just about you feeling like shit and not confident in future. It's also that he clearly was doing the play to manipulate you.

You've been together for a month. Walk away without looking back.
It's obviously an issue to him, and you will never be able to get over that fact.

Er, I don't 'want to hear' anything but honest opinions.

Problemo?!

@Plussizejumpsuit LOL! Well if that is his gameplay (which I don't think it is!) then he has sadly picked the wrong candidate! ;) hahaha! Not going to be playing out like that with me.