Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we can't come back from this?

126 replies

PIPERHELLO · 04/11/2020 22:04

So new BF of one month, with whom I have been having wild and amazing sex that he has admitted is the best of his life - he is not the best communicator. Tonight he sounded a bit 'off' on the phone, maybe work stress I thought, so I asked him if all was OK, and did he have any worries / concerns. No, he replied. I pushed it - stupid me. He said he maybe had one, but he didn't want to say. I pushed it - even stupider me. He said he thought I was 'extremely attractive, very pretty' but that he had never been with someone my size before. I am large - size 20.
It has - irritatingly - completely knocked me for six. We were having such an amazing time, and such amazing sex, and such lovely intimacy. And this has just brought back so many negative thoughts for me . so many body insecurities. I hate feeling like this.

He immediately realised he had upset me, and apologised. Said I had pushed him and he would otherwise have never said anything, which I think is true.

He cannot control his thoughts / feelings I guess. And he reassured me that he found me very attractive, but just said all his previous partners had been slim.

I just cannot shake off the feeling of feeling really shit about it all. I felt so great, so sexual with him before, and now I just feel like I want to not get naked with him ever again. Which is sad because the sex was amazing....

Help please...not just LTB comments, something more helpful / insightful please.

OP posts:
Plussizejumpsuit · 05/11/2020 11:20

I do think it is his game play. What else do you think he's doing? Also how old is he/are you both. Because maybe if very young he might be a bit more excused for being so tactless.

Great for you to not be played like that. But by sticking around you're letting him.

ChaToilLeam · 05/11/2020 11:22

Having had this reaction myself, OP, I would say bin him. A guy can either be with me wholeheartedly or not at all.

madcatladyforever · 05/11/2020 11:27

We all know men are crassly emotionally incontinent at all times, however, most men don't mind a size 20 if you are 100% confident.
Confidence is sexy, I've met so many larger women who have no confidence and hide away and it's so unattractive and others who could not care less and are never without a boyfriend.

Shoxfordian · 05/11/2020 11:29

He's a good one! Don't let this guy knock your confidence though, if you're happy in yourself then that's all that matters and if he can't see your beauty then it's entirely his loss

DryRoastPeanut · 05/11/2020 11:37

Never ask a question if you don’t really want to hear the answer!

You kept pushing, you can’t really complain now because he was honest. So do you want to drop about ten dress sizes or are you just going to stay with him for amazing sex for a few more months? Because you and I both know that you no longer have a real relationship, so you dump him now or you wait for him to dump you in January February time.

Those are your options. I’d personally recommend you find a guy who appreciates you for you. Not someone who’s just using you for great sex.

Original poster
PIPERHELLO · 05/11/2020 11:43

To be clear, he is not using me. I do not feel used. If there is any using - which I do not think for a moment there is - it is entirely mutual. The enjoyment up until this recent point was entirely mutual.

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 05/11/2020 11:47

I know it will be an unpopular opinion, but i wouldn't voluntarily chose to be in a relationship with a massively overweight person.

Fancy them, yes totally. Amazing sex, great. But develop feelings and progress to a steady relationship no, not if i had a choice. I wonder if he's got to this stage.

I've done it before, ExH was massively overweight and it does impact on your own life. Everything from the increased wear on furniture to squishing into an airplane seat next to them to waiting in theme park rides not being sure whether they will get on the ride. It's also made it easier to slide into habits that caused my own weight gain.

No weight doesn't seem to impact on man. My (diferent) ex found me considerably less attractive when i decided and got down to a healthy weight. His next girlfriend is a bit chunky.

Whether hes a shit or not. I do agree that you will never see him the same again

FacelessWaterLady · 05/11/2020 12:08

Some of these replies, 'red flags', 'manipulation'. Christ!

OP, he clearly didn't want to tell you as he knew it might upset you but you ignored that and pushed him for an answer anyway and he was honest, and he apologised afterwards when he saw it hurt your feelings.

Maybe he does worry what others will think, it is not wrong for him (or anybody for that matter) to feel like that. And yes that is his issue to work out, maybe he is trying to and that's why he

But you said you wanted honest opinions, well you got one from your BF and didn't like it. Would you rather he said nothing and left you wondering?

He is clearly attracted to you and I can understand how it might have knocked your confidence to hear what he said but he is not a bad or malicious person for telling you how he feels, especially as it sounds (to me anyway) like you pressured him into doing so.

Dozer · 05/11/2020 12:08

You don’t know whether he’s ‘using’ you and just wants sex.

Stuff like ‘best sex ever’ is just words.

You DO know that he’s been ‘off with you’ then made derogatory comments about your weight.

BloomedAgain · 05/11/2020 12:15

How did the phone call end? Were there more plans to meet up?

FacelessWaterLady · 05/11/2020 12:21

Sorry pressed to soon.

Was meant to say 'And yes that is his issue to work out, maybe he is trying to and that's why he didn't want to say anything?'

FacelessWaterLady · 05/11/2020 12:24

Dozer I can't see anywhere in the OP where what he said was derogatory.

IncandescentSilver · 05/11/2020 12:38

Honestly OP, the more I think about what you've posted, the more uncomfortable I am.

So much emphasis about the sex. Everyone has amazing sex in the first month, but you go on and on about it in a way that suggests insecurity or as if you're trying to prove something. And I'm going to be really old fashioned and risk sounding prudish. But all the swearing too. It really isn't great to read. It's a great show of bravado but I think youre worried about something and thats why you kept pushing the point.

Original poster
PIPERHELLO · 05/11/2020 12:42

No to be fair, what he said was not derogatory. It was factual. I think he just has shit shit shit comms skills, no tact, no filter etc.

He is very keen to meet up again. Was clearly concerned he had upset things (yes you fucking have!).

I am big, I do know this. But it does not impact my lifestyle. I am very active, outdoorsy, fit-ish.

Also, to this saying I have misjudged this, maybe. But I don't think I have - I have very good judgement of these things usually. And I trust that judgement.

OP posts:
Original poster
PIPERHELLO · 05/11/2020 12:45

@IncandescentSilver You are over analysing this! :) (But yes, I love sex!) That is why I am banging on about it. It is important to me and I have not had good sex in a long time. Very tricky when single parent, Covid blah blah blah boring boring. Clearly I wold not bang on about sex in real life this much!!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2020 12:46

What is your judgement that you say is right?

Have you decided not to introduce any other causal boyfriends to your young child while they’re so short lived and apparently only based on sex?

FabbyChix · 05/11/2020 12:53

When how others see us bothers us that is our issue, and we clearly have to be that happy in ourselves how others see us doesn't bother us.

Im fat, I used to be size 8/10 I don't give a shit, if someone calls me fat, Im not bothered. If you arent happy with how large you are its not fair to be upset when others mention it, its your issue not theirs. You choose how you look.

FacelessWaterLady · 05/11/2020 13:00

PIPERHELLO
No to be fair, what he said was not derogatory. It was factual. I think he just has shit shit shit comms skills, no tact, no filter etc.

Obviously we don't know word for word what he said or the tone in which it was said. But from your OP (and your own post above) he was factual about it. Coupled with the fact that he then apologised and wants to see you again I don't know how you can say his communication is 'shit' Confused

He is very keen to meet up again. Was clearly concerned he had upset things (yes you fucking have!).
He upset you because you pressured him into telling you something that you said yourself he didn't want to tell you. He was honest, that you are unhappy with his honesty is not his fault.

If him telling you what he told you made you feel insecure (you admitted you have insecurities about your body) then you are not as confident as you are trying to convince us you are and that is something for YOU work on, not get annoyed at someone truthfully answering a question you refused to let go unanswered.

Upstartcrones · 05/11/2020 13:00

Were you really thinking of introducing him to your child after a month? that's the bit I'd be focusing on if I were you. Just because the sex is amazing doesn't mean you should rush into a relationship, especially with a child in the mix.

As much as you say the right buzz words, there's a lot going on that you need to work on before you take the next step. It's obvious from what you've said on your other thread you're lonely but you need to be more centred in yourself before you get into a long term healthy relationship.

You pushed him for an answer as I bet alarm bells were ringing in your head that something was wrong and you had to know as your anxiety was going up.Unfortunately it blew up on you and he said the one thing that was like a bucket of cold water. I'd imagine every time you think about having sex you'll be wondering what he's thinking. I don't blame you that it's a major turn off now.

dodiebantock · 05/11/2020 13:04

How would the insensitive prick feel if you said, “Try not to be too disappointed in my size, I know what that feels like ..... all my other lovers had much larger and better cocks than yours”.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2020 13:39

What’s with the frequent suggestions to be mean about his penis size? It’s OP who barely writes a post without mentioning the amazingness of this sex they’ve been having. She’s been choosing to shag him. She’s no doubt been as effusive about it to him as she is on here. It hardly reflects well on here to start sniping about his cock. Some of the suggestions of apparently hurtful or witty come backs are really pathetic.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 20:08

AnneLovesGilbert I totally agree! So it isn't ever ok to comment on any feature on a woman but unkind comments about men's bodies and genitalia are fair game? Plus op would look like a right idiot if she said "your cock's tiny" and him knowing it wasn't would just be like "erm no it isn't.....you are fat though". She stands to be a lot more hurt than him.

chickenyhead · 05/11/2020 20:19

Oh FGS please stop blaming the OP for asking him what was wrong and pushing for an answer.

This didn't happen in a vacuum. He was obviously displaying behaviour that indicated that something was wrong.

Hence why OP asked!!!

Think about it.

TeachesOfPeaches · 05/11/2020 20:33

I think it's quite common for men to secretly like a bigger woman and then be embarrassed to be seen in public and worried about what mates think. They are conditioned to like Kim Kardashian types when sexuality is much more more varied in real life.

Chickychickydodah · 10/11/2020 18:39

@PIPERHELLO I’m a uk 20 and have been a 16 most of my life. I was active and danced until 16 years old. I have had people tell me that I’m wonderful but when his friends have intervened saying horrid things because I’m not a perfect 10 I have been left on the kerb.
I’ve never been a confident person so I think that also made a difference.
Unfortunately people are biased about size even in 2020. But now i don’t have to worry any more I have a wonderful husband that loves me for me.