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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we can't come back from this?

126 replies

PIPERHELLO · 04/11/2020 22:04

So new BF of one month, with whom I have been having wild and amazing sex that he has admitted is the best of his life - he is not the best communicator. Tonight he sounded a bit 'off' on the phone, maybe work stress I thought, so I asked him if all was OK, and did he have any worries / concerns. No, he replied. I pushed it - stupid me. He said he maybe had one, but he didn't want to say. I pushed it - even stupider me. He said he thought I was 'extremely attractive, very pretty' but that he had never been with someone my size before. I am large - size 20.
It has - irritatingly - completely knocked me for six. We were having such an amazing time, and such amazing sex, and such lovely intimacy. And this has just brought back so many negative thoughts for me . so many body insecurities. I hate feeling like this.

He immediately realised he had upset me, and apologised. Said I had pushed him and he would otherwise have never said anything, which I think is true.

He cannot control his thoughts / feelings I guess. And he reassured me that he found me very attractive, but just said all his previous partners had been slim.

I just cannot shake off the feeling of feeling really shit about it all. I felt so great, so sexual with him before, and now I just feel like I want to not get naked with him ever again. Which is sad because the sex was amazing....

Help please...not just LTB comments, something more helpful / insightful please.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 05/11/2020 00:01

Oh bloody hell, don't bring a bloke you've been with 5 minutes into your child's life!

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2020 00:02

Oh dear. Didn’t realise it was the same poster.

OP, love, take a giant step back. A good fuck does not a serious partner make.

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 05/11/2020 00:33

Im actually pretty shocked about both this and your other thread, walk away and work on yourself.

VerbenaGirl · 05/11/2020 00:34

I’ve so been there and I genuinely don’t believe that relationship can come back from this. But you can. I’ve fought so hard against this before, then when you are with someone genuinely accepting, it all just makes sense. Plus, he’s not good enough for you if he thinks that way.

Milllicent · 05/11/2020 00:52

You have only been in this for a month. I think its a case of too much too soon and he is now paving the way to break it off. Im sorry, I dont mean to be negative but if he was into you, your size wouldnt matter. He saw your size before you got into bed together so it does sound like his using it as a get out clause. But, its not your size so, thats just an excuse.

Audreyseyebrows · 05/11/2020 02:26

I don’t get it? You asked, he answered. What did you expect him to do? Lie?
He didn’t say anything negative about your size.

grassisjeweled · 05/11/2020 02:33

Next time you speak to him, sound off. When he asks why, tell him he's got the smallest cock you've ever been with. Just a tiny detail. That's all.

Then block him.

AnyFucker · 05/11/2020 02:43

Finally, we find out the answer to the main question on your other thread which you totally avoided answering. You've been shagging him a month

Pick up your self respect, protect your daughter from this shit, and move the fuck on

chickenyhead · 05/11/2020 02:50

OP it is not your fault that he has decided to see this as an issue. That is all on him.

You are amazing being exactly who you are. You are enough.

If he doesn't think so then he is not the one for you he has just sent you the incorrect message that you are not good enough.

Spend more time with people who accept and love you for who you are.

MrsMomoa · 05/11/2020 06:15

You deserve to be with someone who likes you for you Op.
He sounds pathetic and shallow.
He's down in the dumps cos his girlfriend isn't skinny?!
Jog on mate!

You deserve better Op.

Shoxfordian · 05/11/2020 06:20

Say thank you, next and find someone who loves you as you are

KatherineJaneway · 05/11/2020 06:23

I think it’s his way of telling you that he’d like you to lose weight before you meet his friends and family.

Unfortunately, I think do too Sad

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/11/2020 07:00

I also think he wants you to lose weight. Are you happy with your size? Do you want to be thinner?

icelollycraving · 05/11/2020 07:10

Ah, didn’t realise you were the same poster as the one asking about their bf staying over and meeting their dd. It sounds like you’re putting way too much into such a new relationship.

littlebirdieblue · 05/11/2020 07:18

Body shaming www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3824240-body-shaming

I think it will be very hard for you to move past this. I had a similar experience with a new bf in feb, he was a bit more brutal with his honesty than your guy. But once he'd said what he did I knew I couldn't ever let him see me naked again. Interestingly over lockdown he got in touch with me, to apologise for being so awful. Which was nice to hear, but I'd still never want to get naked with him again. It took me a while to get naked with anyone after the experience to be honest, but I've now being seeing someone else for almost 4 months, and he never makes me feel ashamed of how I look.

Nomorepies · 05/11/2020 07:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

trumpalumpa · 05/11/2020 07:22

I'm a similar size (now) but was about a 14 when I met DH after one of my many yoyo diets!

I've never had body confidence. However whatever size I am DH always says how attractive he finds me etc.

You don't need this person in your life. If he's thinking this now it won't change and you'll always feel uncomfortable with him.

Sorry this has happened to you.

Essoterical · 05/11/2020 07:29

If you want an honest opinion at the risk of getting flamed on here, size 20 is very large.

He finds you sexy and attractive in the bedroom but would probably struggle to be seen with you in public.

For your own health you could consider losing weight, guaranteed you would feel sexier too, whether or not he's right for you, you would feel better about yourself and more confident. I speak from experience having seen close friends who have gained weight and lost confidence in the process and other friends who have lost weight and love their new-found confidence and appearance.

Sadly looks do matter as human beings are designed to judge on appearances for evolutionary purposes.

CCSA · 05/11/2020 07:32

For gods sake to him... if you like him and he likes you don’t let one comment instantly blow things apart. Seek to understand, share with him how you feel about your body, your experiences and the future and almost certainly your relationship would be better for it. Christ alive some idiots on MN have idealized view of the way the world works. It’s rarely the dream romance... there’s always muck and bullets to work through here on planet earth... but the rewards are still large.

Milkshake7489 · 05/11/2020 07:38

It is not your fault for pushing him. He was incredibly rude (and probably hoping that by acting weird he'd have an excuse to say it).

Either he's purposely undermining your confidence or he's pathetic enough to care more about societal expectations than your feelings/his own sexual desires. It's a major red flag.

You deserve to be with someone who respects you. He doesn't.

Whatever you do, try not to let his comment get you down. There are men out there that will love you for you and won't shame you.

(Oh and having read your previous post, please don't consider letting your daughter meet a partner until you have been with them much longer than 4 weeks... and definitely don't have them meet over the breakfast table!).

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 05/11/2020 07:39

@CCSA

For gods sake to him... if you like him and he likes you don’t let one comment instantly blow things apart. Seek to understand, share with him how you feel about your body, your experiences and the future and almost certainly your relationship would be better for it. Christ alive some idiots on MN have idealized view of the way the world works. It’s rarely the dream romance... there’s always muck and bullets to work through here on planet earth... but the rewards are still large.
They've only been together a month! It's barely a relationship,much less one where you work through muck and bullets .
Lifeisabeach09 · 05/11/2020 08:00

@EmpressoftheMundane

Slightly off topic but I read about a sociologist with access to Google analytics. What did he learn? Men are attracted to much heavier women than they admit to. Seems that many heterosexual men are naturally attracted to fuller figures, but are socialised to see being with thinner women as more status enhancing.
Yep. He fancies the hell out of you but is concerned with his image.
picklemewalnuts · 05/11/2020 08:05

He's not nice enough to stick with.

It's ok to think it in passing, but then let it go as an interesting but unimportant observation.

He shouldn't be dwelling on it and then mentioning it when pushed.

Bin him off.

TwentyViginti · 05/11/2020 08:12

@littlebirdieblue

Body shaming www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3824240-body-shaming

I think it will be very hard for you to move past this. I had a similar experience with a new bf in feb, he was a bit more brutal with his honesty than your guy. But once he'd said what he did I knew I couldn't ever let him see me naked again. Interestingly over lockdown he got in touch with me, to apologise for being so awful. Which was nice to hear, but I'd still never want to get naked with him again. It took me a while to get naked with anyone after the experience to be honest, but I've now being seeing someone else for almost 4 months, and he never makes me feel ashamed of how I look.

He got in touch with you over lockdown, eh? Trying to sweeten you up for another shag. Oh dear, so sorry he was left disappointed Grin

Great news you are now with someone who isn't a negging bellend!

SnackRussell · 05/11/2020 08:12

When you’re besotted with someone, you find their entire being attractive. Anything as superficial as part of their physical appearance simply isn’t a negative issue.

He’s created something that will see doubts in your confidence and your security within the relationship.

You need to be brave and good to yourself and ask yourself honestly if you think you’ll be happy with him from now on, no matter how great the sex is.

He doesn’t deserve you.