Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we can't come back from this?

126 replies

PIPERHELLO · 04/11/2020 22:04

So new BF of one month, with whom I have been having wild and amazing sex that he has admitted is the best of his life - he is not the best communicator. Tonight he sounded a bit 'off' on the phone, maybe work stress I thought, so I asked him if all was OK, and did he have any worries / concerns. No, he replied. I pushed it - stupid me. He said he maybe had one, but he didn't want to say. I pushed it - even stupider me. He said he thought I was 'extremely attractive, very pretty' but that he had never been with someone my size before. I am large - size 20.
It has - irritatingly - completely knocked me for six. We were having such an amazing time, and such amazing sex, and such lovely intimacy. And this has just brought back so many negative thoughts for me . so many body insecurities. I hate feeling like this.

He immediately realised he had upset me, and apologised. Said I had pushed him and he would otherwise have never said anything, which I think is true.

He cannot control his thoughts / feelings I guess. And he reassured me that he found me very attractive, but just said all his previous partners had been slim.

I just cannot shake off the feeling of feeling really shit about it all. I felt so great, so sexual with him before, and now I just feel like I want to not get naked with him ever again. Which is sad because the sex was amazing....

Help please...not just LTB comments, something more helpful / insightful please.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 04/11/2020 22:37

Have you had a sexual relationship previously? Because sooooo many men come out with that 'best sex EVER' shit it really isn't something to be taken seriously.

Onthelowdown · 04/11/2020 22:40

I gained a lot of weight during the first lockdown and met someone (OLD). I warned him and suggested perhaps better to wait, he declined. We had two dates and towards the end of the second I could tell that he’d lost attraction.
My view is that even when I get back to my usual weight I’ll always feel that pressure. He wanted to have children quite soon and I wouldn’t want that pressure of trying to stay in slim during pregnancy/ nursing so called it a day.

Sometimes you can’t go back. I’m comfortable that I can find someone who won’t place such importance on weight, and so can you.

KittyWindbag · 04/11/2020 22:45

He’s got internalized fatphobia issues. He’s clearly attracted to you but as someone said upthread, he is aware that societally he’s supposed to want thinner women and he’s confused.

Well, you’re not his experiment. You’re a human being who deserves more than to be reduced to a size. Maybe he’s a food guy and I feel sorry for men in a way, that they can’t just exist and live and shag people they fancy like mad without having weird intrusive thoughts about how it might be perceived by others.

But I’d say your happiness is way more important than giving him space to ‘try you out’. You’re not here for him to learn. Hopefully he will learn a lesson by being dumped. Move on OP.

KittyWindbag · 04/11/2020 22:45

Maybe he’s a *good guy

donquixotedelamancha · 04/11/2020 22:45

The problem with all these comments, OP is that they are the usual MN detachment from reality.

You are fat (I'm fat too). It bothers you and (from experience) hiding from that will not work forever.

Him noticing that, and being a bit bothered by it, just means he isn't blind. Him telling you this is being honest (though not necessarily bright), like you asked.

Wild amazing sex is not to be sniffed at. The idea you 'can't come back from this' is laughable. If you want to build a genuine, long lasting love you need to see each other as you really are, warts and all.

Invite him round, have a good honest chat, figure out what you really want. If he's a shallow dick the bin him. If he was just tactless when trying to open up the show him why you are worth the effort.

Being fat is not a terrible thing, though it isn't fun. I'd much rather be fat than mean or dumb.

OverTheRubicon · 04/11/2020 22:47

You could always nod understandingly and say "you know, I was a bit upset but on second thoughts I totally empathise. I've never been with anyone with a penis like yours either, but it turns out that you're great in bed anyway, no matter what most women might think"

Then chat on cheerfully and let him stew. He's an arse and you deserve better, use the lockdown as a good opportunity to get him out of your system and move on.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 04/11/2020 22:48

I heard a housemate at Uni refer to a girl he'd been shagging but not dating, who was probably around a 14-16, as a moped. When questioned, he said she's fun to ride but I'm hardly going to show her off to my mates. He was a cunt, but a fair proportion of people are.

JocelynSchitt · 04/11/2020 22:49

@Lookingoutside

This could be the beginning of him attempting to destroy your confidence. Are there other red flags which point to abusive tendencies on his part?
This was my first thought too.
Eekay · 04/11/2020 22:50

I would find that bloody hurtful, and a kind, decent person (having great sex!) wouldn't say something like that no matter how much they were questioned. Idk how you could relax and be yourself with him after that. Please don't settle for someone who hurts your feelings.

ktp100 · 04/11/2020 22:51

As a big girl myself I can say you'll never be that comfortable with him again.

It's so disappointing but if the shallow twat doesn't think you're good enough to show around his mates even though he's very happy to bang you he is not good enough for you!!

Let that shallow knob head go, hun and don't you dare feel bad about yourself for a minute.

100% his loss.

blarbed · 04/11/2020 22:53

I don't think it's your fault for pushing him. The comment was obviously on the tip of his tongue and would have come out sooner or later, otherwise he would not have said "Well, actually there is one thing", in the first place. He would have stuck with, "No", if it wasn't really an issue or he was a considerate man.

Get rid.

emilyfrost · 04/11/2020 22:53

YABU. You pushed him for an answer, he was honest. Did you want him to lie? He still thinks you’re attractive so I don’t see the issue; you’re letting your insecurities take over.

HollowTalk · 04/11/2020 22:55

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Not going all LTB But you can’t come back from that It will always play on your mind So in service of your own self esteem ..... walk away OP If he crawls back , great (maybe) But assert your boundaries as you and we deserve people that make us feel valued
She's only been going out with him a short time. LTB is a perfectly reasonable thing to say - otherwise if you started a relationship you wouldn't be able to finish it.
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/11/2020 22:57

Listen to yourself. It's not stupid not to want to have sex with him again. And I don't buy this "I pushed him" stuff. He obviously made it clear enough that there was an issue for you to want to talk about it and that is a natural reaction to have. Either he is genuinely confused by being attracted to someone bigger than his usual type, in which case that is not your problem to solve and he shouldn't have put it on you, or he said it because he likes his women anxious and on edge. In either case I wouldn't be that keen, personally.

Viviennemary · 04/11/2020 22:59

It's entirely up to you if you can move on from this. I think it was tactless and clumsy of him to say this even if he thought he was being honest. I'd move on. He sounds a pain. Is he perfect. I doubt it.

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 04/11/2020 23:05

I don't think you can come back from this.
Mainly because it bothers him to the point you could tell something is going on. Why it bothers him is his own issue to deal with. Now you also know it, and no you weren't stupid to push. It's something that you needed to know in order to make a fully informed decision.

He should be with you because he like all of you. Not "I'm with you despite..." and you should be eternally grateful that he tried to hide it/is making the "effort".

Wales34 · 04/11/2020 23:14

He must have been thinking about it as you said he seemed in a funny mood. I find this a bit odd, why would your size be consuming his thoughts?

CeibaTree · 04/11/2020 23:14

I wonder why he was off with you in the first place, I mean why now? Do you think someone has said something to him about your weight? If so and it's bothered him so much he is off with you then he sounds a bit shallow.

Also in the long run I think it would be really tedious to be with someone who is so crap at communicating - even with the good sex. You need someone who you want to keep your company with, sex is great but it's not like you'd be doing in 24/7 so there has to be more to a relationship. Sorry he has made you feel so crappy about yourself.

Rumbletumbleinmytummy · 04/11/2020 23:15

Only you can answer if you can get past it.
When I met my DH he commented, I dont usually go for women of your size. He said as he was rubbing my leg, which was fairly muscular!
I was a size 14, yes somewhat overweight at the time, but quite a large portion of that was muscle!

It's something that has played on my mind a fair few times over the years weve been together... partially because I didnt need telling that, and partly because I was smaller than any other woman he had even been close to being involved with.

If it's something that hes thinking about and concerned about, I'd probably say that it wont go away and you should consider at length whether you want someone who is uncomfortable with the way you physically are

RoseTintedAtuin · 04/11/2020 23:15

I totally get it OP but after one month it is too early to let him have this impact on you. I would suggest the following options;

  1. tell him you like him, you had fun together but you feel that a deeper connection is unlikely and it’s time you moved on.
  2. you tell him you like him but that if he wants to continue he’s going to have to challenge his own views and why he holds them, as you clearly have amazing chemistry and have no intention of changing as you are an amazing beautiful person who expects respect and support from her partner.
  3. you have a deeper conversation about what he wants from his partner in life, is it chemistry and personality and a good partnership, or is it someone for his friends to drool over (more personable though) For me option 3 is too soon for a deep and meaningful view to the future and you would be better off with breezy take it or leave it approach but you are in the relationship and so maybe you feel differently. Either way it sounds like you are a beautiful confident person with a lot of chemistry to give and deserve to be treated as such
IncandescentSilver · 04/11/2020 23:20

It sounds like you hardly know each other. The first few months are about getting to know each other and deciding if you're compatible for the longer term.

lyralalala · 04/11/2020 23:22

Did you ask him what his concern about it was?

About three months into my relationship with DH we had a similar conversation. It turned out one of his friends had made a comment about my weight and also about him deliberately going for someone who was the exact opposite of his late wife.

He was quiet because he balancing up cutting off a friend of many years for a new relationship. It was something he did, and has said since that he's annoyed he even had to think about it, but imo it was understandable that he did. He knew from the comment made he could never have me and his friend in the same room, even if he could see by the comment he'd never be able to risk it.

indemMUND · 04/11/2020 23:36

That says a lot more about him than it does about you. I wouldn't give him any more of your thoughts or time. Massive nope.

Yeahnahmum · 04/11/2020 23:38

Ltb ltb and ltb.
You dont wanna hear it. But girl he aint gonna change his mind about you and you are going to feel the same way still... so up and leave. Do yourself a favour.

blewraspberry · 04/11/2020 23:48

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4068310-New-BF-staying-over-how-to-handle-with-DD

On your other thread you wanted him to stay over and meet your daughter over breakfast?! And you've been sleeping with (not even dating him properly it seems like) A MONTH?!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread