Asked a friend to repay loan and now she is giving me the cold shoulder

[mumtoallboys]

8 years ago I lent a friend 1k, just so she could make some bills when she was made redundant.

4 years later I quit my job to move abroad. given that I had no job I asked if she could pay me back as she was stable. She was really cranky about it and said the most she could make was £20 per month... I said ok... she has kind of given me the cold shoulder since...made a massive deal of paying interest on it. She told loads of people about paying the interest (like I had asked for it and I actually hadn't told any of our mutual friends about the loan, so it was odd she made a huge point of it).

I feel like it has really affected our friendship and I regret bothering to help her.

AIBU to expect the money back with grace? It was always very clear she knew it wasn't a gift.

Seeing your update, she is a user.
She will call you when she needs you, Eg when she needs to shoulder to cry in. Otherwise she doesn’t expect to give you anything in return.

The thing is, this is the dynamic of you friendship. You give and she takes. I personally don’t call that friendship, regardless of the reason (money or whatnot).

What I’m wondering is why you are still considering her a friend? Because she certainly doesn’t act as friend to me....

I'm confused what interest is left ? To be honest , I don't agree with you taking interest . However she should have paid you back the 1k as soon as she could. You shouldn't have had tobask for it

@Wales34 I think OP has said about 6 times upthread that she never asked for interest!

A friend once lent me £20000 to put a down payment on a house. I was expecting money soon and had promised to pay him back.
I paid him back as soon as I was able, maybe six months later. I paid back with interest.
He was shocked that I had paid interest, and paid it back.
THAT is friendship.

I lent money to a friend. When I asked for it back she behaved as if I was being unreasonable - she had a job and was earning well by then. We are no longer friends. I was cut out of that friendship group so goodness knows what story she told them. I have never lent money since.

Oh so she started paying you back £20 a month at the start ,and now 4 years later it’s all paid off .
But she’s in a mood about it .
You didn’t ask for the interest
She chose to give it you .
I think she’s a silly cow ,and you were very kind helping her out

Being a bit anal I had a quick look and working out at rate of 0.7% interest on the loan, It looks to me that she should have paid £235 (albeit it would have taken over 5 years for her to finish payments).
£50 interest on a load for 8 years is a great deal and you are the only loser here.

She isn't a friend but a user.
What annoys me (and to be fair you have alluded to it to when you said ''m not a very wealthy person, it isn't like that amount of money was irrelevant'), is assuming someone's wealth and thinking you can take the liberty. Whether you are wealthy or not is neither here nor there. You lent her £1k she should pay you back, that's it and that's all.
Sadly I think you should tell all your friends your side of the story as some ppl can fall for the lies and they may have the same attitude (that asking for the money back is rude on your part)

I would give her back the £50. Point out you didn’t ask for it and you hear she’s been complaining about it which is a bit rich as it’s your idea. Do you deserve £50 interest? Probably. But it’s not interest. She’s bought the right to slag you off...

[quote switswooo]@Wales34 I think OP has said about 6 times upthread that she never asked for interest![/quote]
I know. I blatantly hadnt read the thread!!

I dont think it is "policy"(as my DGM would have said) to lend money to friends as a rule .Sometimes it works out but often causes resentment to build up as well.

I had this with a friend too! I never worked out any repayment timescale with her. In fact I would have probably let the few hundred pounds go but wanted to help someone else with that money.

From then I've noticed a change in her manner toward me. Nice!

This happened to me. Got to the point I had to continually chase it up, made it super awkward and ruined a 10 year friendship. Ill never do it again.

@Malahaha

I was exactly that person. I borrowed 20k as well, paid back in full within a year. Offered interest but he declined, you are right that is friendship.

After 4 years I suspect she had the mindset that a) the money was 'hers' and b) you weren't going to ask for it back.

I have two longtime friendships of 30 years standing. I would mortgage my house for one of them - she is a financially stable, responsible and reasonable adult. The other one only remains my friend as I have always refused to lend her money. Not a tenner has passed between us - she has asked, I have always refused and explained politely and firmly why. I watched her borrow a fiver here and there when we were in secondary school, and never pay it back. The same pattern has continued and now in our mid forties she's lost all the rest of our friendship group along the years as they've fallen for it and been left quite resentful. She's a kind girl, and is a rock emotionally, so we come through for each other in different ways, but she isn't an adult when it comes to money. Me not being The Bank of Best Friend is why we are still close now and why in terms of her friendships I am literally the last one standing.

As others have said: a) this woman only added an inconsequential amount of 'interest' so she could martyr herself and change the narrative to one in which she paid you back when you demanded and gave you even more than she'd borrowed; b) she is not a friend.

I realised my friend and I had very different views on money after I sold her some items. In my view, if you buy something then you pay for it, there and then. In her view. we were friends and I should let her pay in dribs and drabs for as long as it took. She was doing me a favour by purchasing from me and I needed to keep track of how much she paid back. She seemed frustrated I expected her to pay the full amount and kept prompting her to pay. She can't understand why I won't sell to her again unless she can pay upfront.

I don't think I need to clarify the situation to mutual friends, to be honest her hyper controlling personality did their head in for years. They always tolerated her and accepted her, but when I stopped inviting her to events/ zoom calls nobody else has bothered to add her to the invite list. I have one friend who still talks to her sister, who is sound, they work at the same school.

She isn't really in my life. Not a single mutual friend went to her mothers funeral, only me. A few people did ask that I pass on their condolence. One person actually unfriended her on fb. I noticed that in my stalking!

I find it hard to reject people who reach out to me in their time of need. I am hardly going to mention this awkwardness at a funeral. She blanks me the rest of time so I have no opportunity.

I think you just have to learn from the experience. I was taken advantage of financially by a friend when I was younger. It was a hard lesson to learn but I think it stopped me from potentially losing a lot more when I was older.

I always think now - how are they going to pay me back?

A few years ago another friend wanted me to lend her money for a deposit and be a guarantor. I declined but another acquaintance got burnt.

She never had any intention of paying it back. Years ago my friends and I used to loan money to each other and always paid it back. I wouldn't give her another single thought

So she paid nothing for 4 years then took 4 years to pay back a grand?! What a CF.

I'd definitely calculate how much the interest would have been on a bank loan and if she brings up the fact she paid interest, say well if we're being petty like that then the interest would actually be £X sooo.... 🤷 And just watch her head explode 😂

Never lend money you’re not willing to lose. I would honestly just write any money off the minute it leaves your bank. It’s great if they pay it back but don’t expect it, I’d expect a friendship to end before they do. I know it isn’t fair, you were only trying to do her a favour after all but it usually only leads to resentment in the end as has been shown here.

Some people think you should feel lucky to have loaned them money and that it should be considered a gift.

That sounds ludicrous - but it is the absolute truth!! Staggering how entitled some people are.

I don't see anything wrong with lending money to friends (or family); BUT you need to be sure that they are proper friends and not thieves or users. I have friends whom I'd happily lend money to and know I would get it back as agreed or as soon as they possibly could. I also have other friends where I think doing so would be unwise and others - more acquaintances - where I wouldn't dream of it.

I know it isn't foolproof by any means, but look at how they act generally, long before they asked to borrow money. Did they ever play the 'oops I've forgotten my purse' trick in a restaurant, insist on splitting when they know they've ordered 80% of the cost for themselves, or eat out with a large group and take everybody's money up to the counter to pay the bill and steal the tips from others to pay for their own instead? Have they ever been given too much change or broken something in a shop and said nothing about it? Do they always protest about having to pay for anything, but still expect to have it (I'm not talking about those on a budget who happily cut their own cloth and do without)? Do they gladly take regular lifts from you, but never feel the need to pay towards the petrol? Do they always drink in a group of 5 and invariably leave after 4 rounds to avoid getting theirs in? Not even just money: if you're sharing food, do they take the much bigger share? If you're sharing accommodation, do they instantly grab the best room/en-suite? Do they ever suggest that you should have the first choice of something?

Friendships should be priceless, but if you lend somebody £500 and they cold-shoulder you/refuse to repay/deliberately move to Australia to avoid paying it back, the unpleasant truth is that you were worth only that to them - and now they've had their money's worth and used you up, you no longer have any value remaining to them. That was never a friend in the first place.

Many years ago, when I was in a really tight spot, I asked a friend if she could afford to lend me a deposit for a rental flat. It wasn't a fortune but not pennies either - about £500 or so iirc. She told me she needed to discuss it with her husband and the next day she phoned and said she couldn't lend it but that he would, and could I call him at work to discuss the detail. She and I never spoke about it again. I knew him, but not that well, so calling him at work was a bit nervewracking, and he grilled me a bit about what the money was for, so it felt a bit like applying for a loan at a bank. We agreed that I would repay the money at £x per month for x months, and he asked me to send him however many postdated cheques that day, and he would send me a cheque for the full amount the same day. I thanked him profusely and he told me not to worry, that it was a privilege to be in a position to help his wife's friend. And again, that was the last we spoke of it.

I have always felt this was a textbook way to handle a loan between friends. By involving her husband, my friend removed it from the domain of our social friendship and made it a more businesslike thing. The details of how and when it would be repaid were agreed upfront, so expectations were clear and there was no need for anyone to discuss it again. There was virtually no room for me to do anything but prioritise those payments each month, and so no scope for any awkwardness or unpleasant conversations. Sadly, for other reasons the friendship didn't survive, but I have always been grateful for the kindness of that loan and how it was handled.

Ywnbu to ask for your loan back, OP, and your friend's behaviour has been awful, but I think you might have insulated yourself against this outcome by being clearer about your expectations in advance.

I think people are right she had no intention of paying it back when I asked for it. She did at the beginning, I have looked back at the messages.

I do want add though she was a great friend for 9 years, she was thoughtful and kind. My emotional rock really. She never took liberties ever with money, always paid her exact half on bills etc. She does have control issues and I think she just didn't like not being the one to to initiate the repayment.

Part of me thinks she wasn't happy that I met a lovely man and got married had kids etc, while she ended up in a horrible abusive relationship. She ended up raising a grievance against her manager at work for bullying, that went on for a year. Those two things were at there height when I asked for the money back. Unconnected but I think I got scapegoated.

Speak to a solicitor