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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked a friend to repay loan and now she is giving me the cold shoulder

109 replies

mumtoallboys · 03/11/2020 21:44

8 years ago I lent a friend 1k, just so she could make some bills when she was made redundant.

4 years later I quit my job to move abroad. given that I had no job I asked if she could pay me back as she was stable. She was really cranky about it and said the most she could make was £20 per month... I said ok... she has kind of given me the cold shoulder since...made a massive deal of paying interest on it. She told loads of people about paying the interest (like I had asked for it and I actually hadn't told any of our mutual friends about the loan, so it was odd she made a huge point of it).

I feel like it has really affected our friendship and I regret bothering to help her.

AIBU to expect the money back with grace? It was always very clear she knew it wasn't a gift.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 04/11/2020 07:22

? Not !

joystir59 · 04/11/2020 07:27

A true friend would give what they could afford to give and not expect the money back. I couldn't bear to have a friend drip feeding me £20 a month and I certainly wouldn't have accepted interest from them. Lending money to someone is not generous, and often adds financial stress when someone least needs it. I never lend money, but if I can afford to give it without resentment I do so.

ImMoana · 04/11/2020 07:42

Your mistake was waiting 4 years to ask for the money back! She probably thought in 4 years you’d written it off.
Then accepting £20 a month? That in itself is telling you she can’t afford it. How come 4yrs later you are posting this? Has she only just managed to clear the debt?
And now you’ve accepted 3x interest payments from her?
Tbh you sound worse then a bank! At least with a bank you get a structured repayment plan and know up front how much you are expected to repay and when.

Meuniere · 04/11/2020 07:43

Why is she still your friend?
I would have distanced myself from her as soon as the payment was finished.

She took the piss with the £20 a month. Even more so for bad mouthing you to friends because you dare asking her to repay you.
I’m wondering why you are so worried about rocking the boat. I don’t think there is any coming back on either side tbh.

Nottherealslimshady · 04/11/2020 07:44

You're entitled to the interest. She'd have to pay interest to a bank or credit card.
She wont admit she's pissed about the money because she knows shes being unreasonable, but that doesn't stop her being pissed that you've taken a grand off her (forgetting that you gave her a grand)

CakeRequired · 04/11/2020 07:51

Never expect to get it back, and if you are cheeky enough to ask then you are the bad one

Wow , really?
I’ve seen it all now. Are you the ops friend? Or just another cf who expects free money

@Remoteraver

Thats not what they meant. They meant that the friend will make you feel bad for daring to ask for the money back from them. Some people think you should feel lucky to have loaned them money and that it should be considered a gift.

Lordamighty · 04/11/2020 07:51

You see OP even on this thread you are being turned into the bad guy for lending money & not just handing it over, accepting interest that you never even asked for! People are strange.

Rudolphian · 04/11/2020 07:59

YANBU.
But I think the friendship is over.

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/11/2020 08:01

I detest 'friends' like this whose friendship is completely dependant on you saying yes to them at all times and in God's name never ever ask them for anything back. The second you say no to them they see their arse. I've had neighbours the same, friendly and reasonable as coulld possibly be until the fateful day l politely said no to their request to 'borrow' our garden furniture (who even does that?) as they were having people round and theirs wasn't enough. I did decline with an excuse so it wasn't a blank no. Never spoke to us again, just dirty looks over the fence ever after.
So if you say no to these types you're doomed, if you say yes then have the audacity to ask for it back then you're doomed too. So my policy is l mighf as well keep hold of my money/ lawnmower /whatever. I only ever help out very close family i.e.. my two adult DC in emergencies, who always have paid me back or returned whatever it is, as l brought them up to be honest and independant.
I always think the test of a true friendship is to try saying no now and again and see who sticks with you.

Oxyiz · 04/11/2020 08:01

ImMoana, what a kind and refreshing attitude to loaning money you have. Could you "lend" me a thousand please?

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/11/2020 08:05

Sorry when l said 'saying no' I meant saying anything 'negative' to them as well , such as can l have my money back.

Original poster
mumtoallboys · 04/11/2020 08:07

Thanks for all the responses.

Just because there has been some confusion on the point, she has paid back the money and I didn't ask for interest.

I guess I thought everyone was like me and if they borrowed money they expected to pay it back. I definitely won't lend again tbh which is a shame because a friend and my brother saved my bacon by lending money when I bought a house. That said I actually know they were happy to gift it to me, that is the distinction I guess. They seen getting the money back as a welcome surprise. I seen it as a obligation.

She does confuse me though because whenever anything bad happens In Her life she contacts me and I am right there. Her mum died last year and she reached out to me for comfort, I met her in the hospital and I went to the funeral. Then I contact her in April when we were in lockdown and she is getting in and her response is cranky basically "I'm fine, we just have to get in with this" . Even if she had responded asking how I was....

I asked a mutual friend what she thought, she said it was obvious from the outside looking in that it was the money. It was like a cliff, we were friends and then we weren't. She said that she now uses. E as a counsellor and not a friend, mutual friend finds that odd too.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 04/11/2020 08:07

ImMoana

Are you the borrower perchance?

Scottishskifun · 04/11/2020 08:10

I don't think your being unreasonable and it was her choice to add the interest on by your posts.
By the sound of it she probably thought given the time between lending and the request for payment that she no longer had to pay you back so is bitter about it.
TBH someone who 'forgets' that they need to repay a friend £1000 isn't worth the friendship as they clearly take people for advantage. Clear the air but I would say they aren't really a friend anymore.

I have leant friends money in the past (3k being the biggest sum) so they didn't get in financial hardship and arrears. I have never had any issues with my friends as they want to pay it back as soon as they can we have always had the agreement of when they are in a position to do so and for some that has meant £25 a month others a few hundred etc.

TiersTiersTiers · 04/11/2020 08:15

A friend and I were both approached by a mutual friend for a 'loan' of differing amounts. The amount I was asked for was quite large. This particular friend was not great with money, never had any when it was lunch or coffee dates and often needed help with cash. However, she always had the latest iphone/ipad and numerous other gadgets and things to spend money on.

I said I didn't have the spare cash. I found out later she had asked other friend and never paid back a penny of a much smaller amount. Also found out she is basically a user. Moves from 'friends' to 'friends' quite sociable so makes friends easily but they never last for long and dwindle to nothing contact. Sadly found out that she also leaves a trail of debt behind her. My other friend really needed the money helped her out and never got it back.

It seems that your 'friend' is only a one sided friendship - when it suits her. I am glad you got your money back eventually and sad that she is still making a drama out of it. Distance from her she a CF as they say on here.

areyoubeingserviced · 04/11/2020 08:18

Do not lend ‘friends’ money. Nine times out of ten you will not get it back.

Lobelia123 · 04/11/2020 08:20

She thought she was home free, you'd given her a free pass and written the money off. She's pissed because she had to pay it back....in her mind she'd transformed the loan into a gift, but didnt have a leg to stand on when you were in a tight spot and needed it back....hence the agonisingly long and slow trickle of repayment and the resentment. Shes a tool, and not worthy to be your friend because it sounds like you were a great friend to her. Dont allow yourself to be used and shaded - the surly comments to friends is so ungrateful and ungracious.

Toothsil · 04/11/2020 08:21

@Anordinarymum

I've been here. The minute you lend a friend money the friendship is over. Never expect to get it back, and if you are cheeky enough to ask then you are the bad one.

I have seen families destroyed over money lent and not paid back. It truly is the root of all evil

I agree. One of my grandma's very wise pieces of advice was "neither a borrower nor a lender be". She was so right on that and many other things!
Schoolchoicesucks · 04/11/2020 08:24

OP I guess you have learned a lesson about lending to friends - it either needs to be a sum you have written off and don't expect back, or to have an agreed repayment schedule.

To be honest, if someone told me they could only afford to pay back £20 a month and it would take 4 years to repay, I would have been questioning whether I needed the money back. Or the friendship to continue.

The interest thing is weird.

Sgtmajormummy · 04/11/2020 08:29

£1000/20= 50 months.
She spent more than four years paying you back and making you feel bad about it.
And bad-mouthing you to your mutual friends.
I’d have flipped, sorry.
Just accept you have the moral high ground.
And for her Christmas gift this year, donate to the micro-loans charity, as a PP said.
Sending the receipt in a card.

WokesFromHome · 04/11/2020 08:30

I used to work with clients in debt and a very large number of them were in debt because they borrowed money, used credit, guaranteed loans or went short themselves to help out friends and family who then didn't pay them back.

DON'T DO IT, unless you have a written agreement for pay back.

Yesyoudoknowme · 04/11/2020 08:30

@Souldyurr

Why did you lend her money with no clear repayment structure? Has Judge Rinder taught us nothing?! She's a bad friend, get your money back and cut her off.
Hahahahaha I quote this to people all the time, 'what would Judge Rinder say'? Get it in writing!!
Westfacing · 04/11/2020 08:32

Twenty years ago I lent a friend £1000. Many months later DS1 who had not long started university got in a real mess with his loan/allowance and had spent the bloody lot and I needed to bale him out without letting my now ex knowing, or he would have kicked off. Their relationship was fractious to say the least.

Knowing that friend was now in a 'very much' better position I asked her if she could give me £500 - I've never heard from her since.

WokesFromHome · 04/11/2020 08:32

I also have a single relative that came into some money in her 50's, people circled her like vultures and one friend of her DD's borrowed 30K off her, then moved with no forwarding address. Now, in her 80's she lives in poverty.

switswooo · 04/11/2020 08:34

YABU for staying friends with her, she doesn’t sound very nice.

I’m glad you got your money back. And I agree with a pp, tell her and any other ‘friends’ that you donated the £50!she decided was interest to a women’s charity.

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