to not contribute.

[Souldyurr]

DBro1 and his girlfriend live abroad. This year my birthday, my mum's birthday, DBro2's birthday, my DS's birthday and DSis's birthday (as well as Mother's Day, Easter, Father's Day etc) all fell during lockdown. No celebration or anything for my birthday from my family (as in my parents/siblings) except for a few messages on our group chat. For DM's birthday and Mother's Day (a couple of days apart), I tried to organise something nice and no one else contributed despite a number of messages (this has also been the case in previous years when all four of us have lived abroad). For DSis's birthday, BIL organised something that I contributed to but neither DBros contributed. I sent DBro2 a nice message and video called on his birthday, had a group chat etc (he also lives abroad - different country to DBro1) but DBro1 didn't join the group call etc. It was a similar story for all these events where I usually try to arrange something nice and no one else really cares - so I'll send flowers or a card etc and sign from everyone else. None of these were monetary contributions - they were all things like a video of them saying Happy Birthday to put into one video etc.
It's DBro1's birthday next week. Despite neither DBro1 or his girlfriend (GF) contributing to any of the "gifts" for anyone else - not sending any gifts or cards or phoning anyone on their birthdays, GF has set up a Facebook group chat with all of us in where she's written a big long paragraph about how tough a time Covid has been for them etc etc etc. She then says there's something DBro really wants for his birthday but they just can't afford it due to Covid (literally three days ago, she posted in our family group chat about their holiday that they were currently on). She's asked each of us to send her around £80 each so she can put it towards a gift for him that she'll keep saving for and get him for Christmas.
AIBU to not contribute because...

1. They/he never contribute to anything for anyone else.
2. That's a lot more than we spend on gifts for each other. It's not a "big" birthday or anything like that.
3. They aren't that strapped for cash given that they keep travelling and doing other things so feel like she's trying to manipulate us a bit.
4. She won't actually be buying the gift with the money - just saving it for HER to give him at Christmas where it'll undoubtedly slip her mind who actually paid for it.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but I don't particularly get on with her - she's very manipulative and they have (in my opinion) a very toxic relationship and I know she's been violent to him, she's very controlling of his behaviour (limits his access to friends etc). I've never said anything to her or him and interaction has always been civil.

Absolutely no way would I be contributing. I would simply respond that no, it's not affordable and anyway it's not the custom amongst our siblings to give each other birthday presents. She's a cheeky cow.

I agree with wine and roses, each time :o

Think MN is glitches tonight. So many repeat posts allover the place..

Ok we've got it @wineandroses1 😂😂😂😂
Absolutely do not contribute OP.

I think it's a no from @wineandroses1

I was always taught that you don't give to receive, and therefore the fact he never contributes is irrelevant. However, with everything else as well yanbu.

I have a policy with people. If they acknowledge and mark birthdays for us, we acknowledge and mark birthdays for them.

I will not do one way birthday acknowledgements, and certainly not if there is guilt tripping, game playing, and manipulation.

I agree with @wineandroses1 (with each of their posts in fact 🤣🤣)

I agree with every single thing wine says

Sorry I hit YABU by accident. No YANBU! Cheek cheeky fuckers, both of them because I bet he knows exactly what she’s asked you all to contribute after both of them contributing fuck all to each family member throughout the year! Leave the chat and dont engage!😁

So @wineandroses1 would you contribute? Seems unclear

I absolutely wouldn't either, OP

Not a chance I would be chipping in!

Although I'm still mulling over the nuances of the third message.

No is a complete sentence . YANBU .

Not a chance I would be chipping in!

Sorry OP I can’t even get through reading this. Do what you think is reasonable. Life is too short.

Just write back “Ha! You’re so funny!”

I wouldn’t even bother replying, just ignore the request.

Zero chances l would. Probably wouldn’t even acknowledge the messages

Oh the cheeky mare!! I'd say "Sure I'll contribute the same as he did for everyone else's birthday........ Fuck all! I'd like to say you get the same effort back as you put in but that's not true as I make loads of effort and get nothing back so maybe he has the right idea. Either way that will be a no from me to contributing"

I wouldn't contribute.

I wouldn't even bother to reply. What a nerve!

£80 ?????
As in, EIGHTY QUID???

Christ, no.

Yabu to even have to ask..
Cf if the highest order....
Ignore op.

Blatantly ignore.

Not only would I not contribute, I'd tell her that I'd be giving him exactly what he gave you and the rest of the family.

Well, not in those words. I'd probably go full PA and say something along the lines of oh no, we couldn't possibly embarrass him like that. He has opted out of contributing to others birthdays etc, he would be mortified to receive when he has consistently chosen not to give to anyone and you feel it's important to respect his decision to not give and not put him in the embarrassing position of being given by people he chose not to give to. You love him too much to cause him such total embarrassment

Really make a meal out of it. 😁