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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not contribute.

121 replies

Souldyurr · 03/11/2020 20:43

DBro1 and his girlfriend live abroad. This year my birthday, my mum's birthday, DBro2's birthday, my DS's birthday and DSis's birthday (as well as Mother's Day, Easter, Father's Day etc) all fell during lockdown. No celebration or anything for my birthday from my family (as in my parents/siblings) except for a few messages on our group chat. For DM's birthday and Mother's Day (a couple of days apart), I tried to organise something nice and no one else contributed despite a number of messages (this has also been the case in previous years when all four of us have lived abroad). For DSis's birthday, BIL organised something that I contributed to but neither DBros contributed. I sent DBro2 a nice message and video called on his birthday, had a group chat etc (he also lives abroad - different country to DBro1) but DBro1 didn't join the group call etc. It was a similar story for all these events where I usually try to arrange something nice and no one else really cares - so I'll send flowers or a card etc and sign from everyone else. None of these were monetary contributions - they were all things like a video of them saying Happy Birthday to put into one video etc.
It's DBro1's birthday next week. Despite neither DBro1 or his girlfriend (GF) contributing to any of the "gifts" for anyone else - not sending any gifts or cards or phoning anyone on their birthdays, GF has set up a Facebook group chat with all of us in where she's written a big long paragraph about how tough a time Covid has been for them etc etc etc. She then says there's something DBro really wants for his birthday but they just can't afford it due to Covid (literally three days ago, she posted in our family group chat about their holiday that they were currently on). She's asked each of us to send her around £80 each so she can put it towards a gift for him that she'll keep saving for and get him for Christmas.
AIBU to not contribute because...

  1. They/he never contribute to anything for anyone else.
  2. That's a lot more than we spend on gifts for each other. It's not a "big" birthday or anything like that.
  3. They aren't that strapped for cash given that they keep travelling and doing other things so feel like she's trying to manipulate us a bit.
  4. She won't actually be buying the gift with the money - just saving it for HER to give him at Christmas where it'll undoubtedly slip her mind who actually paid for it.
I'm not sure if it's relevant but I don't particularly get on with her - she's very manipulative and they have (in my opinion) a very toxic relationship and I know she's been violent to him, she's very controlling of his behaviour (limits his access to friends etc). I've never said anything to her or him and interaction has always been civil.
OP posts:
RoseGold7 · 03/11/2020 22:12

Do you even know what this gift is? £80 each from about 5+ people means it’s an expensive item. I’d research how much that item really is... I usually buy a gift on my own rather than chip in.

wirldsgonemad · 03/11/2020 22:14

I agree with wine and roses

NeonGenesis · 03/11/2020 22:15

Haha. Not a chance.

I'd probably not respond at all if it's a group chat, unless you are directly prompted to. Then I'd just say you can't afford it at the moment. Then ask if they are having a nice time on holiday.

CF...

Original poster
Souldyurr · 03/11/2020 22:15

@Elsewyre

"she's very manipulative and they have (in my opinion) a very toxic relationship and I know she's been violent to him, she's very controlling of his behaviour (limits his access to friends etc). I've never said anything to her or him and interaction has always been civil."

Well it's good to know that violently abusing your family member is fine but asking for money for a gift is beyond the line Hmm

I'd be interested to know what you think I'm able to do about physical assault that I have no proof of in a foreign country. Hmm
OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2020 22:15

So she wants you all to give her money for his birthday that she can pretend is from her? Wtf? Cheeky fucker

BlueCatRedCat · 03/11/2020 22:16

I guess because I know that I'd rather receive a card from everyone because it makes you feel loved and cared about and thought of. It doesn't cost me anything to put other people's names on but makes the recipient happier.

I know you are doing this from a place of good intentions, but you are lying to them. The other people don't care enough, clearly. Why do you think your own family won't respond to you, but have been quick to respond to this woman who is not a blood relation, and who is abusive to your brother? Your family dynamic doesn't sound very healthy.

Ellmau · 03/11/2020 22:17

Send £8. Obviously it was a typo:)

Seriously: YANBU at all.

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/11/2020 22:18

"I guess because I know that I'd rather receive a card from everyone because it makes you feel loved and cared about and thought of. It doesn't cost me anything to put other people's names on but makes the recipient happier."

I see that your intentions are kind but this is a bit patronizing and manipulative. You are creating a fantasy for others that does not exist. The person you are sending the card to is not being thought about and cared for in the way you are pretending. Let them have more honest relationships with the rest of their family.

On the DB present thing YANBU. Given what you say about her being abusive I don't know if any of the pointed replies that I would normally be tempted with are a good idea. But maybe a direct call to your DB on or around his birthday, ideally when his GF is unlikely to be around (hard during lockdown), is a good idea. To keep lines open with him and make it easier for him to turn to you in the future if he needs to.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 03/11/2020 22:19

Could it be that the reason that the others are agreeing to give the requested £80 is because they think that the Dbro in question has donated to all of their presents because you put everyone's names down for presents that you paid for?

BlueCatRedCat · 03/11/2020 22:20

I guess because I know that I'd rather receive a card from everyone because it makes you feel loved and cared about and thought of. It doesn't cost me anything to put other people's names on but makes the recipient happier.

I know you are doing this from a place of good intentions, but you are lying to them. The other people don't care enough, clearly. Why do you think your own family won't respond to you, but have been quick to respond to this woman who is not a blood relation, and who is abusive to your brother? Your family dynamic doesn't sound very healthy.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 03/11/2020 22:20

Could it be that the reason that the others are agreeing to give the requested £80 is because they think that the Dbro in question has donated to all of their presents because you put everyone's names down for presents that you paid for?

AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2020 22:20

So she wants you all to give her money for his birthday that she can pretend is from her? Wtf? Cheeky fucker

NeonGenesis · 03/11/2020 22:21

Haha. Not a chance.

I'd probably not respond at all if it's a group chat, unless you are directly prompted to. Then I'd just say you can't afford it at the moment. Then ask if they are having a nice time on holiday.

CF...

AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2020 22:21

So she wants you all to give her money for his birthday that she can pretend is from her? Wtf? Cheeky fucker

ScrapThatThen · 03/11/2020 22:24

I wouldn't respond at all. If asked I would say I didn't respond because I thought it was beyond belief. They might have responded because it's money not effort? And it's easier to go along with than challenge.

BuffayTheVampireLayer · 03/11/2020 22:26

Not a chance in hell would she see a penny from me, cheeky cow!

BuffayTheVampireLayer · 03/11/2020 22:28

Not a chance in hell would she see a penny from me, cheeky cow!

MitziK · 03/11/2020 22:30

@AryaStarkWolf

So she wants you all to give her money for his birthday that she can pretend is from her? Wtf? Cheeky fucker
More likely, if she's abusive and needing to smooth the waters over for something or another, to pocket the majority of the cash, then get him one small present and say 'Sorry babe, I wanted it to be so much more when your family haven't even done a single thing for you'. Or just keep it, manufacture an argument and say he doesn't deserve anything anyhow - and how can he complain when not even his family got him anything.
lurklemurkle · 03/11/2020 22:30

"Are we still doing presents for family birthdays? When I tried earlier this year for DM, Dsis and DBro nobody else put in. I didn't get anything for mine, either. I was just planning a video call with DBro as I thought we'd stopped with presents. Makes a lot of sense with Covid."

MitziK · 03/11/2020 22:30

@AryaStarkWolf

So she wants you all to give her money for his birthday that she can pretend is from her? Wtf? Cheeky fucker
More likely, if she's abusive and needing to smooth the waters over for something or another, to pocket the majority of the cash, then get him one small present and say 'Sorry babe, I wanted it to be so much more when your family haven't even done a single thing for you'. Or just keep it, manufacture an argument and say he doesn't deserve anything anyhow - and how can he complain when not even his family got him anything.
BoomBoomsCousin · 03/11/2020 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/11/2020 22:33

" It was a similar story for all these events where I usually try to arrange something nice and no one else really cares - so I'll send flowers or a card etc and sign from everyone else."

Why should they care? They know you'll put their name on the flowers you arrange and pay for. You're effectively training them to not respond to you. Stop pretending. If you send something, only your name goes on it, nobody else's. You need to retrain them Smile.

As for this £80 request - no. There's been some good suggestions on how to word it,. My personal favourite was from MitziK

"'I'd love to, but we just can't afford it due to Covid. How's Venice, by the way?'"

"*other expensive holiday destinations are available"

lurklemurkle · 03/11/2020 22:35

"Are we still doing presents for family birthdays? When I tried earlier this year for DM, Dsis and DBro nobody else put in. I didn't get anything for mine, either. I was just planning a video call with DBro as I thought we'd stopped with presents."

SpilltheTea · 03/11/2020 22:42

Cheeky cow. I'd say no and tell her exactly why.

SpilltheTea · 03/11/2020 22:49

Cheeky cow. I'd say no and tell her exactly why.