to not contribute.

[Souldyurr]

DBro1 and his girlfriend live abroad. This year my birthday, my mum's birthday, DBro2's birthday, my DS's birthday and DSis's birthday (as well as Mother's Day, Easter, Father's Day etc) all fell during lockdown. No celebration or anything for my birthday from my family (as in my parents/siblings) except for a few messages on our group chat. For DM's birthday and Mother's Day (a couple of days apart), I tried to organise something nice and no one else contributed despite a number of messages (this has also been the case in previous years when all four of us have lived abroad). For DSis's birthday, BIL organised something that I contributed to but neither DBros contributed. I sent DBro2 a nice message and video called on his birthday, had a group chat etc (he also lives abroad - different country to DBro1) but DBro1 didn't join the group call etc. It was a similar story for all these events where I usually try to arrange something nice and no one else really cares - so I'll send flowers or a card etc and sign from everyone else. None of these were monetary contributions - they were all things like a video of them saying Happy Birthday to put into one video etc.
It's DBro1's birthday next week. Despite neither DBro1 or his girlfriend (GF) contributing to any of the "gifts" for anyone else - not sending any gifts or cards or phoning anyone on their birthdays, GF has set up a Facebook group chat with all of us in where she's written a big long paragraph about how tough a time Covid has been for them etc etc etc. She then says there's something DBro really wants for his birthday but they just can't afford it due to Covid (literally three days ago, she posted in our family group chat about their holiday that they were currently on). She's asked each of us to send her around £80 each so she can put it towards a gift for him that she'll keep saving for and get him for Christmas.
AIBU to not contribute because...

1. They/he never contribute to anything for anyone else.
2. That's a lot more than we spend on gifts for each other. It's not a "big" birthday or anything like that.
3. They aren't that strapped for cash given that they keep travelling and doing other things so feel like she's trying to manipulate us a bit.
4. She won't actually be buying the gift with the money - just saving it for HER to give him at Christmas where it'll undoubtedly slip her mind who actually paid for it.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but I don't particularly get on with her - she's very manipulative and they have (in my opinion) a very toxic relationship and I know she's been violent to him, she's very controlling of his behaviour (limits his access to friends etc). I've never said anything to her or him and interaction has always been civil.

Sorry, I am clearly overly influenced by @wineandroses1.

What wine said.
What wine said.
What wine said.
What wine said.

What wine said.
What wine said.
What wine said.
What wine said.

I'm another who would say "I'll give him what he gave me, can you remember what it was?"
And leave it at that.

Or, to be diplomatic i'd completely ignore it

I'm another who would say "I'll give him what he gave me, can you remember what it was?"
And leave it at that.

Or, to be diplomatic i'd completely ignore it

'I'd love to, but we just can't afford it due to Covid. How's Venice, by the way?'

*other expensive holiday destinations are available

Sorry, I am clearly overly influenced by @wineandroses1.

'I'd love to, but we just can't afford it due to Covid. How's Venice, by the way?'

*other expensive holiday destinations are available

Tell her to fuck off

Aw mumsnet's having a little freakout tonight of all nights!

I would reply so that no one else is guilt tripped into paying

@SalmonEile

Just a thought, if she’s manipulative and controlling towards him and doesn’t allow him friends etc do you think the rest of your family are responding to her requests because they’re afraid they’ll be cut off too?

Yeah, this definitely plays a part. We don't really know what to do to be honest.

I'd just say "DBro1 opted out of all the birthdays this year - perhaps when we can all be together we can go out for a nice meal to celebrate everything we've missed!".

Keep it polite, light, but firm. And do it asap before anyone else has chance to reply. Cheeky cow.

I'd just say "DBro1 opted out of all the birthdays this year - perhaps when we can all be together we can go out for a nice meal to celebrate everything we've missed!".

Keep it polite, light, but firm. And do it asap before anyone else has chance to reply. Cheeky cow.

I'd just say "DBro1 opted out of all the birthdays this year - perhaps when we can all be together we can go out for a nice meal to celebrate everything we've missed!".

Keep it polite, light, but firm. And do it asap before anyone else has chance to reply. Cheeky cow.

See how she explains her need for £80 is greater than yours...

"she's very manipulative and they have (in my opinion) a very toxic relationship and I know she's been violent to him, she's very controlling of his behaviour (limits his access to friends etc). I've never said anything to her or him and interaction has always been civil."

Well it's good to know that violently abusing your family member is fine but asking for money for a gift is beyond the line

Send £8. Obviously it was a typo:)

Seriously: YANBU at all.

“That sounds great for DBro1! Take the £80 from what you owed for the other gifts and use that to buy the present!”

I also think now may be a good time for you to have the family discussion about how birthdays etc (in terms of presents) is going to work from now on since clearly nobody gives AF under normal circs.

Best not to let these things fester

I think "lol! No." Would suffice.

Ask her what they contributed to your birthdays and then tell her to fuck off. Cheeky cow.

I think "lol! No." Would suffice.

Isn't it simpler for people to do what they want for the people they want to, why does life always have to be this complicated?

I do not arrange things for people then expect other to contribute, I have no problems with a joint decision on what to do as in everyone is aware and perfectly happy to agree.

Haha haha nooooooooooo cheeky fucker