to not contribute.

[Souldyurr]

DBro1 and his girlfriend live abroad. This year my birthday, my mum's birthday, DBro2's birthday, my DS's birthday and DSis's birthday (as well as Mother's Day, Easter, Father's Day etc) all fell during lockdown. No celebration or anything for my birthday from my family (as in my parents/siblings) except for a few messages on our group chat. For DM's birthday and Mother's Day (a couple of days apart), I tried to organise something nice and no one else contributed despite a number of messages (this has also been the case in previous years when all four of us have lived abroad). For DSis's birthday, BIL organised something that I contributed to but neither DBros contributed. I sent DBro2 a nice message and video called on his birthday, had a group chat etc (he also lives abroad - different country to DBro1) but DBro1 didn't join the group call etc. It was a similar story for all these events where I usually try to arrange something nice and no one else really cares - so I'll send flowers or a card etc and sign from everyone else. None of these were monetary contributions - they were all things like a video of them saying Happy Birthday to put into one video etc.
It's DBro1's birthday next week. Despite neither DBro1 or his girlfriend (GF) contributing to any of the "gifts" for anyone else - not sending any gifts or cards or phoning anyone on their birthdays, GF has set up a Facebook group chat with all of us in where she's written a big long paragraph about how tough a time Covid has been for them etc etc etc. She then says there's something DBro really wants for his birthday but they just can't afford it due to Covid (literally three days ago, she posted in our family group chat about their holiday that they were currently on). She's asked each of us to send her around £80 each so she can put it towards a gift for him that she'll keep saving for and get him for Christmas.
AIBU to not contribute because...

1. They/he never contribute to anything for anyone else.
2. That's a lot more than we spend on gifts for each other. It's not a "big" birthday or anything like that.
3. They aren't that strapped for cash given that they keep travelling and doing other things so feel like she's trying to manipulate us a bit.
4. She won't actually be buying the gift with the money - just saving it for HER to give him at Christmas where it'll undoubtedly slip her mind who actually paid for it.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but I don't particularly get on with her - she's very manipulative and they have (in my opinion) a very toxic relationship and I know she's been violent to him, she's very controlling of his behaviour (limits his access to friends etc). I've never said anything to her or him and interaction has always been civil.

Definitely don’t contribute.

Nope

"Hi GF, I don't think bday presents have been given out between us as siblings this year, perhaps next year if the situation changes, although £80 is probably a bit more than we usually budget for each other since there's a few of us to buy for. Hope you had a lovely time away x "

Hilarious 🙄

I’d just say, oh sorry-I didn’t think we were buying for each other any more these days x

“So sorry, that’s more than I usually spend on family and obviously we’re being quite careful at the moment. HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING YOUR HOLIDAY.”

Absolutely not. Too cheeky for words. Ignore.

I totally agreed
I'd reply along the lines of "lol, hilarious"

Oh the cheeky mare!! I'd say "Sure I'll contribute the same as he did for everyone else's birthday........ Fuck all! I'd like to say you get the same effort back as you put in but that's not true as I make loads of effort and get nothing back so maybe he has the right idea. Either way that will be a no from me to contributing"

I agree with Wine, Wine and Wine.

I’d be tempted to ignore the message also.

£80 - that’s a cheek!

Agree with all the text reply suggestions above.

Thanks for your responses - glad to see I'm not going insane to think this is an unreasonable request from her/them.
Somewhat baffled because DSis, DBro2 and DM have all replied almost straight away saying they'll send the money across, what a lovely idea etc etc - and yet, when I'm trying to arrange anything for anyone else, I can't get a response. Somewhat looking forward to DH messaging them for my £80 each when it's my birthday!! hahaha

@wineandroses1

Are you gonna contribute or not?

What wine said.
What wine said.
What wine said.
What wine said.

@Princessbanana

Sorry I hit YABU by accident. No YANBU! Cheek cheeky fuckers, both of them because I bet he knows exactly what she’s asked you all to contribute after both of them contributing fuck all to each family member throughout the year! Leave the chat and dont engage!😁

If you got the wrong button by accident, you can change it by clicking on the right button 😊.

But yes, YANBU OP.

Obviously say no. But make sure you say it straight away and on the group chat. You don’t want other people to feel that they have to contribute because everyone else is. Hopefully nobody will!

“So sorry, that’s more than I usually spend on family and obviously we’re being quite careful at the moment. HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING YOUR HOLIDAY.”

I’d just say, oh sorry-I didn’t think we were buying for each other any more these days x

Just saw - too late!!

Or message and say you are saving for a car for your next birthday and can she send you £80 first...

Just a thought, if she’s manipulative and controlling towards him and doesn’t allow him friends etc do you think the rest of your family are responding to her requests because they’re afraid they’ll be cut off too?

See how she explains her need for £80 is greater than yours...

YANBU....But why are you buying presents and signing cards on behalf of others, when they don't contribute and can't be bothered to respond to you? Stop being a mug.

Oh just saw - too late!!

@BlueCatRedCat

YANBU....But why are you buying presents and signing cards on behalf of others, when they don't contribute and can't be bothered to respond to you? Stop being a mug.

I guess because I know that I'd rather receive a card from everyone because it makes you feel loved and cared about and thought of. It doesn't cost me anything to put other people's names on but makes the recipient happier.