to not contribute.

[Souldyurr]

DBro1 and his girlfriend live abroad. This year my birthday, my mum's birthday, DBro2's birthday, my DS's birthday and DSis's birthday (as well as Mother's Day, Easter, Father's Day etc) all fell during lockdown. No celebration or anything for my birthday from my family (as in my parents/siblings) except for a few messages on our group chat. For DM's birthday and Mother's Day (a couple of days apart), I tried to organise something nice and no one else contributed despite a number of messages (this has also been the case in previous years when all four of us have lived abroad). For DSis's birthday, BIL organised something that I contributed to but neither DBros contributed. I sent DBro2 a nice message and video called on his birthday, had a group chat etc (he also lives abroad - different country to DBro1) but DBro1 didn't join the group call etc. It was a similar story for all these events where I usually try to arrange something nice and no one else really cares - so I'll send flowers or a card etc and sign from everyone else. None of these were monetary contributions - they were all things like a video of them saying Happy Birthday to put into one video etc.
It's DBro1's birthday next week. Despite neither DBro1 or his girlfriend (GF) contributing to any of the "gifts" for anyone else - not sending any gifts or cards or phoning anyone on their birthdays, GF has set up a Facebook group chat with all of us in where she's written a big long paragraph about how tough a time Covid has been for them etc etc etc. She then says there's something DBro really wants for his birthday but they just can't afford it due to Covid (literally three days ago, she posted in our family group chat about their holiday that they were currently on). She's asked each of us to send her around £80 each so she can put it towards a gift for him that she'll keep saving for and get him for Christmas.
AIBU to not contribute because...

1. They/he never contribute to anything for anyone else.
2. That's a lot more than we spend on gifts for each other. It's not a "big" birthday or anything like that.
3. They aren't that strapped for cash given that they keep travelling and doing other things so feel like she's trying to manipulate us a bit.
4. She won't actually be buying the gift with the money - just saving it for HER to give him at Christmas where it'll undoubtedly slip her mind who actually paid for it.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but I don't particularly get on with her - she's very manipulative and they have (in my opinion) a very toxic relationship and I know she's been violent to him, she's very controlling of his behaviour (limits his access to friends etc). I've never said anything to her or him and interaction has always been civil.

Cheeky cow. I'd say no and tell her exactly why.

I'd message my siblings and ask if they are seriously sending her the money?!

I'd respond no, and put her straight! Cheeky cow

Shameless brass necked cheeky fucker is what she is... YANBU OP

Haha, no.

What lurklemurkle said with bells on!

@lurklemurkle

"Are we still doing presents for family birthdays? When I tried earlier this year for DM, Dsis and DBro nobody else put in. I didn't get anything for mine, either. I was just planning a video call with DBro as I thought we'd stopped with presents."

This

I know someone who would do this. Get a collection up for a collective gift for her (now ex) husband, but then arrange matters so that it appeared to only come from her. Once people copped on, he stopped receiving birthday or Xmas presents at all. She was amazed when he left her......

I'd just say you won't be contributing as nothing was arranged for any other family birthdays and DB doesn't contribute to family presents anyway so he can't expect others to contribute for him.

She sounds like a pushy one!

I would actually go a bit further and reply:

Dear GF. Was this message actually serious or tongue firmly in cheek?
Covid is hard for all of us. Did you know it was my birthday on ... date, as I didn't even get a phone call or a card? I'll decide the amount and what I would like to get my brother -don't worry, I haven't forgotton his birthday is coming up. Maybe you can save and get it for him next Christmas. Hope you are enjoying your holiday at the moment. Me

It's a no from me.

@lurklemurkle

"Are we still doing presents for family birthdays? When I tried earlier this year for DM, Dsis and DBro nobody else put in. I didn't get anything for mine, either. I was just planning a video call with DBro as I thought we'd stopped with presents."

Exactly this.

Or I would just ignore the message and drop out of the group chat.

I would genuinely say "are you actually aware DM, DSis, DBro2 and myself have all have birthdays during lockdown? I ask because you have not contributed to any kind of celebration for any of us. Yet you're asking for £80 from us all for DBro1 birthday so you clearly think birthdays should be a family affair? How about we all contribute nothing and we'll call it even."
I really dislike people who dont buy birthday presents but expect everyone to celebrate theirs.

@lurklemurkle

"Are we still doing presents for family birthdays? When I tried earlier this year for DM, Dsis and DBro nobody else put in. I didn't get anything for mine, either. I was just planning a video call with DBro as I thought we'd stopped with presents."

I'd put this. It would also inform those who received flowers etc from "all the family" (aka you alone!) that their gifts were funded with no contribution nor effort from anyone else. They need to know. Don't be a pushover.

I would also message the other family members privately and ask them if they're seriously going to contribute for someone else to take full credit for the gift.

@Nottherealslimshady

I would genuinely say "are you actually aware DM, DSis, DBro2 and myself have all have birthdays during lockdown? I ask because you have not contributed to any kind of celebration for any of us. Yet you're asking for £80 from us all for DBro1 birthday so you clearly think birthdays should be a family affair? How about we all contribute nothing and we'll call it even." I really dislike people who dont buy birthday presents but expect everyone to celebrate theirs.

Please send this OP

I have a BIL who would get very nasty if people didn’t send him a card and present on his birthday.

He never once ever sent a card, present, text message, phone call etc for anything to do with my DH, my DC or myself. My MIL used to ring me to remind me that BIL birthday was coming up and to be sure to get him present/card

One year I had enough, I told her I’d be giving him exactly what he gave my DH for his last birthday and gives him every year. She asked me what that was and so I told her - nothing. I never got that phone call again.

So I’d suggest you advise GF that you already know what you’ll be giving DB this year, same gift he gave you this year.

No way would I contribute, she’s a cheeky git for asking.

@lurklemurkle

"Are we still doing presents for family birthdays? When I tried earlier this year for DM, Dsis and DBro nobody else put in. I didn't get anything for mine, either. I was just planning a video call with DBro as I thought we'd stopped with presents. Makes a lot of sense with Covid."

Absolutely this! It’s perfect.

Absolutely not!

I’d probably write something passive aggressive back like “hey my lovely, hope you’re well in these tough times, I think you and dbro owe me some money for the contribution towards mums present and Mother’s Day as well as some other family event so could you just put that towards it from us, thank you! Sending all my love x”

Do not give in to this kind of cheeky F manipulation x

Put her straight OP....NO will suffice ..how rude is she? awful grabby behaviour. I am embarrassed for her.

,£80! For your DB! No do not contribute because of the way he's been and ... £80!

Just wondering how many times I posted earlier....?
Sorry (not sorry as definitely Mumsnet's fault)