Private messages to another woman

[LucyP1982]

I found private messages this morning on DH's Instagram to a 21 year old girl he works with (he is 41). He had responded to a selfie she put on her 'story' saying "hot!" And then again to another of her selfies saying "hot x2, hope I don't look creepy..." he has never done anything like this before and I think he would be mortified if I found out. I am also 7 months pregnant. Am I overreacting? I'm so hurt. :(

I can totally understand why you are hurt OP and, in your shoes, I would have the conversation with him.

What is there to wait for? More messaging? Things to escalate?

No way. Communication is key here.

If the roles were reversed I would expect my DH to address it with me immediately wouldn’t you? Holding onto it will be horrible for you and isn’t going to make the situation better. There’s also a risk it will come out in anger later.

Try to approach it calmly and clearly and tell him how hurt you are. You say he would be mortified. Good. He needs to think about what he is doing and behave like the married 41 year old he is rather than get caught up with the social media comms of people half his age.

Wow this is gross and inappropriate.

1. He is a 41 year old man and should know better
2. He is her boss!

If it makes you feel better this woman probably feels creeped out and icky about it. Her reactions sound like she feels awkward and doesn't know what to say.

I wouldnt be happy with my DH at all if he did this.

@LucyP1982

Thanks for the responses. I should probably add, my DH is her boss.

Oh that's really inappropriate and I bet she probably feels massively uncomfortable with that comment from him too

rather than get caught up with the social media comms of people half his age.

He's not got caught up with the SM Comms of people half his age ; he's been creeping on/sleazing on the SM posts (images really) of a subordinate employee twenty years younger and trying to flirt with her via them. Who knows where it would be going if she was responsive.

What a generally minimising post.

People - where are the messages to young men who work for him?

@GilbertMarkham has given excellent advice OP, please listen to her.

Those of you trying to explain this away and minimise the OPs concerns - shame on you.

He's rank OP. A pathetic misogynistic loser really, who lacks the maturity to understand how inappropriate he is, and in it's place possesses the full entitlement to send messages to women he has objectified.

She is significantly younger than him to boot. It's not the behaviour of rhe type of man anyone would want to set up shop with is it .

He's asking her if its creepy because he's hoping she will message back indicating she likes it so he can keep going/take it further.

I'd have taken a screenshot, shown him and gone "yep, you look creepy as hell, i'm embarrassed for you, pack your bags". We don't exist to worry about mens feelings 24/7 and their right to never be criticised or embarrassed or ashamed, when we are made to feel them constantly by their pathetic actions.

Oh OP no. Have you spoken to him about this now? I couldnt stay with a sleaze messaging someone half their age. Not even if i were pregnant

Poor OP,

If he ever gives her grief in the office, he's given her concrete proof that he is a sleeze.

Awful.

You can be absolutely sure she's talking about him being a sleeze too.
Women don't keep this type of thing to themselves.
A simple shudder to a colleague will convey what a sleeze someone is.

OP,
You are so vulnerable.
You suit yourself and take your time to organise yourself.
Get support IRL from your family and friends.

So sorry.
You must be so disappointed and mortified for him, that YOUR husband would make such a show of himself.

Protect yourself.

He's a total creep, sorry OP.

You're having problems = he starts sniffing round an ex.

You're pregnant = he starts sleazing around a woman young enough to be his daughter.

And he's her boss.

Poor woman - I've seen a few threads previously written by worried younger women in this position, nervously trying to tiptoe through the harrassment. She's probably thinking fuck, I do not need this from my boss.

But in answer. No, this IS him, and he's not going to change, is he?

He's a nasty cheaty sleaze. If he's not cheating on you now, he will be at some point. It's a given.

You would be smart to leave now, while you're young enough to start again.

Honestly, don't stay with this creep for another ten years before the final inevitable split after the actual affair.

@S00LA

You are under reacting.

He’s a creep who is in danger of getting into trouble at work for making inappropriate comments to a women young enough to be his daughter. And I bet he’s senior to her at work.

What a sleeze.

This. My BiL is the office perve and thankfully is being “managed out” following a complaint about his behaviour from a (male) colleague. His 35 yr marriage has also broken up over his use of websites such as Sugar Daddies and he brags constantly about being able to “pull” 20 yr olds at his age (60). By pull he means “buy”. OP, your DH is on the slippery slope. Get rid.

Apart from the hurt and insult to you, that is massively creepy and out of line. He doesn't sound a very nice person, I'm sorry.

Anonymously report him to his HR department, then break up with him. Don't break up with him first as you want to get a laugh out of seeing how stressed he is after being hauled into HR.

I wouldn’t report him to HR if he pays the mortgage though as you are about to go on mat leave and the last thing you need is him being sacked, jobless, unable to pay mortgage, house repossessed etc.

Just remind him of that and tell him to back off from all work colleagues especially his staff now before it’s too late, if it’s not already too late.