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Original poster

Private messages to another woman

139 replies

LucyP1982 · 02/11/2020 15:17

I found private messages this morning on DH's Instagram to a 21 year old girl he works with (he is 41). He had responded to a selfie she put on her 'story' saying "hot!" And then again to another of her selfies saying "hot x2, hope I don't look creepy..." he has never done anything like this before and I think he would be mortified if I found out. I am also 7 months pregnant. Am I overreacting? I'm so hurt. :(

OP posts:
Noitjustwontdo · 02/11/2020 17:28

but it also annoys me this constant need of young girls to put so many selfies up, basically fishing for compliments

I’m sure she didn’t want the creepy married middle aged guy at work to compliment her.

Original poster
LucyP1982 · 02/11/2020 17:28

@sarahjessicaparka

If you already have a three year old you're definitely going to have your hands full for the next few months then. Don't be too hasty though - at least let him have a year of doing all the night feeds first if you really are serious about ending things.

Unfortunately married men have complimented attractive young women in the workplace since the beginning of time (or at least they have everywhere I've worked) but it's only in the last few years that their partners have been able to catch them out via social media. It's shit and sleazy but if he's a good husband otherwise, I'd be more inclined to give him a major bollocking or kick him out for a few days and explain to him just how disgusting his behaviour is and ask him how he'd feel if a 40+ year old man did that to your DD when she is 21. Also ask him how he'd feel about you perving over a 21 year old scantily clad man.

I also caught him inappropriately messaging his ex years ago though. But I thought we were way past that. Now I'm wondering if this is just the kind of man he is and if he will ever change.
OP posts:
sarahjessicaparka · 02/11/2020 17:34

Ah yes sorry then if he has previous form for this kind of thing then that's different. If you were to separate now, is there any family locally who could support you through the birth and first few months?

I am just concerned for you that with the covid situation and a three year old and a new baby, it would be incredibly difficult to manage alone (although I'm aware that others have managed on their own in similar situations).

almondfingers22 · 02/11/2020 17:34

@Noitjustwontdo

but it also annoys me this constant need of young girls to put so many selfies up, basically fishing for compliments

I’m sure she didn’t want the creepy married middle aged guy at work to compliment her.

Well if he’s on her friends list she knows he’d see it. It’s attention seeking, course she would.
savethewales · 02/11/2020 17:35

@almondfingers22

I’d be fuming with him, but it also annoys me this constant need of young girls to put so many selfies up, basically fishing for compliments. There’s far too much emphasis on looks these days. Too much vanity imo.
Or she could be putting photos, on her personal Instagram account, because she likes them and feels good about herself.
bluebeck · 02/11/2020 17:35

I can't believe some posters are minimising this behaviour Shock

Aside from the fact it is disrespectful to OP, who is pregnant with his child, he could get the sack for this. I know more than one person who has been dismissed for this kind of shite, and it's not exactly easy to get a new job right now is it?

I would go ballistic.

Elieza · 02/11/2020 17:37

Sorry you’re going through this. He’s a fool.

When he was messaging the ex before, was it due to lack of sex at the time? And now with you being heavily pregnant I’m thinking it could be the same again, lack of sex promoting him to behave like an animal. Just wondering if his strategy. Not saying that’s ok btw. Absolutely not. Just coz someone doesn’t want sex with him it’s no excuse to shop around. He should get a bog roll and sort himself out in private, not chat up work colleagues online.

Im concerned his work finds out and does him for sexual harassment and fires him for misconduct and he’s jobless with no money and responsibilities....

If you tell him what you’ve found and remind him that he could get done for sexual harassment it might stop him doing this again. I don’t know whether he deserves to be trusted or not. As a pp said it will be hard work shortly with a baby. You have lots to think about. Sorry. 💐

Devilesko · 02/11/2020 17:42

Old enough to be her father, dirty old man
ffs he's a creep, dump him.

Noitjustwontdo · 02/11/2020 17:46

Unless she replied flirtatiously (which OP hasn’t mentioned) then I’m almost certain she didn’t put the selfie on her Instagram expecting a sleazy creep old enough to be her Dad would compliment her.

She might have wanted that sort of reaction from guys her own age, sure but probably not the creepy old guy from work.

Original poster
LucyP1982 · 02/11/2020 17:47

She just replied "Haha, thanks" and then "😂" to the comment about the pizza

OP posts:
Noitjustwontdo · 02/11/2020 17:48

Yeah, she thinks he’s a creep.

almondfingers22 · 02/11/2020 17:50

Or she could be putting photos, on her personal Instagram account, because she likes them and feels good about herself.

Sometimes I feel good about myself, I don’t go fishing for compliments on social media though.

FippertyGibbett · 02/11/2020 17:51

She’s old enough to be his daughter - yuk !

Newfornow · 02/11/2020 17:55

How are you checking his Instagram so often . Is he home ?
Sorry I am a tech dinosaur?

Newfornow · 02/11/2020 17:57

Apologies for the side track there.
You are, as someone said up thread, under reacting.
I’d be printed that shit off on the printer.
Call him for dinner and give him a plate of print outs. Creepy twat, totally inappropriate.
I really am sorry.

marveloustimeruiningeverything · 02/11/2020 17:59

Just ew.

And I'm sorry, OP.

TheRealShatParp · 02/11/2020 18:00

Oh god, YADNBU OP. I would lose all respect for my partner if he done that. Who wants to be with a creep.

FloreanFortescue · 02/11/2020 18:01

PP are saying that fire doesn't have to mean anything sexual - he didn't NEED to respond to the story at all FFS 🤦🏻‍♀️

He could have thought "hot" in his head and moved on. He wanted her to know what he thought. Because his opinion will be SO important to her Hmm

SpongeWorthy · 02/11/2020 18:04

Ugh poor you OP.

Also I wonder whether men like him realise that when a woman is 21 and gets comments / emojis like that from a much older man she works with, it isn't just creepy it feels really unsettling.

We are trained (wrongly) by society to "be nice" and her sending responses that are clearly deflecting and not engaging in flirting back show that she is likely feeling uncomfortable about it and trying to "be nice" while probably finding him skin crawling creepy now.

Ugh men like him make me sick. He's upset you, unsettled her and repeated a mistake you forgave him for in the past.

I would be off in your position.

Mancala57 · 02/11/2020 18:05

@almondfingers22

I’d be fuming with him, but it also annoys me this constant need of young girls to put so many selfies up, basically fishing for compliments. There’s far too much emphasis on looks these days. Too much vanity imo.
It’s just what young people do nowadays, more to show their friends and they all compliment each other. It’s not for the office perve to leer at.
Motnight · 02/11/2020 18:07

He does realise that he's putting his job at risk here I hope.

Horrible behaviour, I am sorry Op

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2020 18:08

Fucking hell, what a pathetic sleaze bag. He's making a proper tit out of himself. This would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
LucyP1982 · 02/11/2020 18:10

Thanks for the responses. I should probably add, my DH is her boss.

OP posts:
savethewales · 02/11/2020 18:11

@almondfingers22

Or she could be putting photos, on her personal Instagram account, because she likes them and feels good about herself.

Sometimes I feel good about myself, I don’t go fishing for compliments on social media though.

To hazard a guess, probably because you aren’t a 21 year old woman?
Notimeforaname · 02/11/2020 18:11

I'm embarrassed for him. You. The girl. It's really sad.
A pregnant wife and a 3 year old...and you're using your time to purposely scrolling through your phone looking at a 21 year olds half naked picture...and even what shes eating. Its extremely cringeworthy. Hes sad and disrespectful.

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