Private messages to another woman

[LucyP1982]

I found private messages this morning on DH's Instagram to a 21 year old girl he works with (he is 41). He had responded to a selfie she put on her 'story' saying "hot!" And then again to another of her selfies saying "hot x2, hope I don't look creepy..." he has never done anything like this before and I think he would be mortified if I found out. I am also 7 months pregnant. Am I overreacting? I'm so hurt. :(

[quote AnyFucker]@almondfingers22 you are determined to blame this young woman for the sleazy behaviour of a man old enough to be her father, aren't you ?

Shame on you[/quote]
Absolutely not, he’s a sleaze bag and I’m certainly not putting the blame on her at all. I was pointing out that I don’t agree with this constant round of attention seeking selfles. If that was my dh I’d go crazy at him. It’s totally inappropriate, but I also don’t agree with all the attention seeking selfies.

Please don’t imply something that isn’t true and call me shameful. I’m certainly not.

This is fucked up on fronts;

He's married.
Age gap.
He works with her/is her boss.

The fact you're carrying his child could be a fourth, for good measure.

The third could actually affect the financial and life stability of yourself and your kids .. if it went the worst avenue and he was sacked for example.

Looks like the forgiveness for messaging his ex is unfortunately another example (which we see so many of on here) of forgiving something and letting it go when it was a good indication of character and ongoing behaviour.

I don’t agree with this constant round of attention seeking selfles

No (attached) 41 year old man needs to be on a 21year old young woman's social media to see any selfies in the first place.

Urgh he is a cringy loser and she is too polite to tell him to fuck off perv.

He shouldn't be commenting on her selfies, he shouldn't even have her on insta.

21 year old women's glamourous/sexy selfies are generally aimed at young men she might be interested in - just the new version of dressing up to see and be seen in the mating game that's been going since time immemorial.

And there's more pressure on young women - through SM than there's ever vern. Of course they should opt out but not one in ten of any of us were that immune to peer pressure, social pressure, media etc. Don't blame young women.

As for the "oh the fire emoji means you're on fire today, not necessarily you're hot" .... Yeah, he definitely posted "you're on fire today" in response to a pic of her in a see through mini dress, he definitely didn't mean "hot" .

Honestly wonder sometimes at the agenda of some posters.

Their agenda or their intelligence ?

I wonder about both of those things.

@GilbertMarkham

I don’t agree with this constant round of attention seeking selfles

No (attached) 41 year old man needs to be on a 21year old young woman's social media to see any selfies in the first place.

I agree, but it obviously depends on who added who.

OP, tho is more than just a sad older man looking at a hot young woman. He is her boss. He is officially that creepy boss using his position of power to speak to her. Yuk yuk yuk.

I’m so sorry for you.

The poster who suggested letting him do his fair share of the night feeds etc for a year before dumping made me laugh; but they may have a point.

A man trying to (at the very least) flirt with young women twenty years his junior, who are his subordinates, while he's married with a toddler and pregnant spouse is a fairly low form of life.

I'd get your ducks in a row op, I'm very sorry you're in this position. It must be v hard indeed but i'm glad you found this..at least you won't be blind sided if he actually gets some reciprocation from a woman and starts an affair, or if he moves into the sugar baby industry etc.

I agree, but it obviously depends on who added who.

Does Instagram need no acceptance? (I don't use it).

Even if it didn't, if it's your young subordinate and they're posting scantily clad pics if themselves,their social life etc ..
You should have enough sense & discretion to mute them - or whatever the appropriate term is.

At the very least, you don't comment!

As for the "oh the fire emoji means you're on fire today, not necessarily you're hot" .... Yeah, he definitely posted "you're on fire today" in response to a pic of her in a see through mini dress, he definitely didn't mean "hot" hmm.

Excuse me. That was me. If you actually go back and read what was said, I then asked what the selfie showed, then the OP said it was the young woman in a mini dress, then I said yes, that’s really bad. Read it.

Sleazy twat.

OP, how do you honestly feel you should deal with this?

IMO, it's seriously grim for a 41 year old bloke to be messaging his subordinate at work this kind of stuff. I wouldn't just be worried about him cheating but also him losing his job.

Her replies don't tell us that she's actually interested in him, but what if she was? Would he cheat? He's certainly trying to test the waters with her. What if the next girl is more receptive?

Ugh.

That's just creepy

My ex-DP learned the hard way about having his junior colleagues as friends on social media. He was trying to be popular and wanted them to like him.

You need to be clear with him that it stops. It stops now. At the very least he is looking like an idiot. Blurring boundaries never ends well. But prepare yourself for the fact that he won’t see it and will pass it off as him being friendly and as ‘having a laugh’ with his team...

I'd be pisssed!

You are not over reacting op. I wouldn’t be too happy if my other half just liked the photo - let alone sent message!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, what an absolute horrible position to be in.

I’d confront him about the pictures but be prepared for him to brush it off as nothing or come out with some other outright lie. You’re pregnant, you don’t need to be worried what he’s up to on his phone or doing behind your back. Do you have any support if you were to leave him?

And yes, he is being creepy as fuck. He’s her boss for god sake. Has he taken leave of his senses?

I would definitely mention it to him and ask him to explain himself. Firstly, it's not on to do that behind your back. Secondly, it's embarrassing and thirdly, if he is senior to her in work he could end up in trouble or atleast with a bad reputation.

I would confront him, and to be honest I would embarass him.

Excuse me. That was me. If you actually go back and read what was said, I then asked what the selfie showed, then the OP said it was the young woman in a mini dress, then I said yes, that’s really bad. Read it.

I think most of us had a fair idea that it meant "hot" and not "you're on fire today" long before op was made to provide the context lol.

There are posters who always seem to suggest these unlikely, naive in the extreme explanations for things ... And if the poor op doesn't sufficient evidence to the contrary, they're just making her fight herself and waste more time with an absolute prick.

*doubt herself

I would definitely mention it to him and ask him to explain himself.

I'm sure he'll provide an explanation that is wholly truthful.

And he'll be more careful the next time (not to get caught).

Ops caught him messaging an ex inappropriately. She forgave it. She's now caught him attempting to develop an inappropriate dialogue with a junior work colleague. She doesn't know if there are other things.

It might be best for her to play her cards close to her chest while she decides what to do and how to do it, not give him a heads up (and the chance to gas light, manipulative, lie to her etc.) while covering his tracks and hiding his behaviour better in future.

Creepy and sleazy and completely inappropriate as her boss. I'm so sorry op that he is a prick especially as you are pregnant on your second. You forgave him before and gave him a second chance and he has thrown it in your face again. I really couldn't forgive if I was in the same position , some might say I'm overreacting or harsh but you deserve so much better. Wishing you strength

I've been in the young woman's position and it's horrible. You don't feel like you can say fuck off sleaze bag but they don't take the hint when you are more subtle about it.

He is a creep, he's embarrassing himself and he is risking his job.

I wish you could show him this thread so he could see how revolting he is. I don't understand why these men think anyone wants their sleazy opinions.