Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my DH for saying this?

142 replies

singeronthestage · 02/11/2020 12:47

Name change since family members know my username.

My DD is 14. She has picked up playing the guitar during quarantine (She could already play but has improved her skills by miles and is enjoying it lots!) and she enjoys singing it, too.

In no way stealth boasting, she is quite talented at singing for her age, control over her vibrato, brilliant pitch etc etc. I myself used to play in a small band and did gigs at a similar age so we sing together Smile

She visited her uncle (DH brother) yesterday and came home really happy, she told me she has amazing news - her uncle owns a 'nightclub' (not a nightclub but not sure what to call it!!) and he told her she can play there if she likes Smile
DD was over the moon, I told her it could be a good learning experience and knowing her she could do it! As I said I played myself as a teenager and honestly, why not? If it's something she enjoys then I think it could make her happy to bring entertainment to others with her voice!!

But then my DH just had to join in with the conversation and laugh at her Hmm Saying 'Oh, (brothers name) is just having a laugh, he's joking, he doesn't actually want you to play there' and made her feel like shit and now my DD has gone up to her room embarrassed Sad

Rudeness aside, the fuck would any decent human being joke about that anyways? Does he want to bring her confidence down?

Aibu to think this was an unnecessary and rude comment from my DH?? Angry

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 02/11/2020 15:37

Devilesko

"Mine would speak to dd like this but she's an exceptionally talented musician.
Your dd will have to get used to this and of course comments and sexual harassment from the workplace.
Mine was working at 14, she grew up very quickly.
It depends what you want for your child, but you can't complain when men think she's older 18+ and come on to her."

God how depressing. So that's alright then? men are men and the rest of us just have to go along with it.

Like the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card "I was joking". No you weren't. You are a jealous, misogynist arsehole. Own it.

AlternativePerspective · 02/11/2020 15:41

On the face of it your DH is out of order.

But, if she’s going to be performing in public she’ll have to put up with worse. I’m not talking about sexual comments etc but not everyone is going to think she’s as talented as you do, not because she isn’t but because not everyone has the same taste in music, or artist.

Can she cope with people telling her she’s shit? Because people will.

Can she cope with people telling her she needs to practice more? Because they will.

Can she cope with being told she’ll never make it, that she shouldn’t be playing there? Because people will.

If you put yourself out in public then you have to take the rough with the smooth, and there will be harsh comments, insults, put downs as well as the positive.

And there’s no way on earth I would be agreeing to any fourteen year old of mine playing in a licenced premises, I’m not even sure it’s legal.

GabsAlot · 02/11/2020 15:48

regardless of how showbusiness is your dh is a prick

i would have said in reply to that text-well noones laughing

Lipz · 02/11/2020 15:51

Your dh is an arsehole. Those are words that will stay with her forever. I hate parents like this, it's actually jealousy, I can never understand why a parent can become jealous of their own child, you encourage them.

This is where you step in, you reassure her, let her go to the 'club', go with her and cheer her on.

It's sad when a parent holds back a clearly talented person and tries to fob it off as a joke.

Krampusasbabysitter · 02/11/2020 15:52

@Devilesko Are you some kind of brothel keeper? You sound like a pimp. Gotta harden up them broads for the job ahead...

Gitfeatures · 02/11/2020 15:57

Stop texting, start talking.

He's been a dick - is this standard for him? Is there any rivalry between him and his brother? Is his nose a bit out of joint because he is offering her an opportunity that he can't?

SandyY2K · 02/11/2020 16:00

Is your DH jealous of her talent by any chance?

I hate it when ppl make horrible comments and call it a joke...a joke to who exactly...is he his own one man comedy audience.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 02/11/2020 16:03

He needs to apologise to her. 100%. He was thoughtless, even nasty. Is he usually this horrible to his 14 year old child?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/11/2020 16:03

@Devilesko

Oh, come on it's the environment and bollocks to children being protected, it's an adult environment where children don't belong. it's an industry known for harassment and interesting how people seem to assume it's women who are suffering. Grin The amount of times I've seen a punter or girl dancer grope my dh bum, or a group on the next table discussing how good they think he'd be in bed. Women are as bad as the men.
Is it an adult environment in your home where you applaud you husband for trash talking his daughter?
RainingBatsAndFrogs · 02/11/2020 16:11

Blimey!

  1. Your DH is being an unkind prat. Pulling wings of flies. Uneccesary and cruel.
  1. My teen played in a small band that played lots of gigs when they were 14-16. In wholesome pubs that welcomed new musicians to give them a go before the main acts, at local festivals, etc. It was generally recognised that they were young musicians and as the places were not dens of sleazy iniquity, they were not harassed or groped or anything. They were supported and encouraged by the more experienced musicians.

I think there must be places, and different places.

TurquoiseDragon · 02/11/2020 16:13

@Divebar

This has nothing to do with whether she should be allowed to perform or not - I assume her uncle will sort out any dickheads at the venue. This is about crushing someone’s ambition and enthusiasm for something. I’m guessing your OH has no musical talent. I would also guess he makes “ jokes” about very bright people or those with higher qualifications or anything that makes him feel “lesser” - not of course that he would ever admit that.
This, absolutely.

Ex would put any of us down if we: felt good about ourselves; demonstrate any talent he didn't have, which was everything, really; or in fact did well in anything at all that left him feeling like he wasn't the superior being he clearly felt he was.

And given the "I was joking", I'd put OP's DH down as the same type of prick that my ex is.

museumum · 02/11/2020 16:13

@Devilesko

Yes, sorry don't see the problem. Your dd can confirm with her uncle. Have you any idea what your dd will have to put up with? If she can't handle it off her own family God help her.
This is totally the other way round - if your family is kind and supportive you can take any kind of shit from strangers. Family support is what makes people resilient. Family crushing your confidence is not ever helpful.
Scottishskifun · 02/11/2020 16:15

Tell him to apologise with the words sometimes I'm just a bit of an idiot I believe in you sounds great and I will be there cheering you along all the way!

BiBabbles · 02/11/2020 16:18

The audience decides if something is a joke, not the comedian, though pushing him to explain why he thought it was funny might have benefits for discussing how he can deal with the consequences of his actions. I wouldn't do that over texts, though.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 02/11/2020 16:36

My dad says stuff like this. Please sit him down and ask him to be less of an arse, it can really effect your self esteem when you're the butt of the joke all.the.fucking.time. Even when I hadn't seen my Dad for months, met him and my mum during the summer when we could finally see them. I'm overweight and super conscious about how I look, first thing he said "You've upped your sewing game, you've made a dress out of the curtains" .. it was just a floral maxi dress but it really made me feel self conscious and uncomfortable all day. To him it was a throwaway joke (at my expense).

Drinkingallthewine · 02/11/2020 16:48

"the way you speak to your children becomes their inner voice"

His criticism will become her inner voice. He wasn't making a joke. He called it that when he was pulled up on the hurtful statement that upset your DD. And it's often the flimsy defence of a nasty prick.

Original poster
singeronthestage · 02/11/2020 16:53

Hi, sorry for being gone. For an update:

DH has gone to go stay with his mum for (I think) a few days after an argument. I told him it wasn't fucking funny, regardless if his brother was being serious or not and to not put my daughter down. Cue repeats of 'Jesus Christ it was a joke' and similar. Hmm
I went to speak to DD and gave her a hug and a chat - Everything seems fine with her now but he did upset her. Sad

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/11/2020 16:57

Going to stay with his mum rather than speaking to your DD himself and apologising and saying it was intended as a joke, but it wasn't funny, and the last thing he wanted was to hurt her, tells you that he is still being a bit of a prick.

He'd rathe move out of his home than admit that he was an *rsehole.

CheetasOnFajitas · 02/11/2020 16:57

Hello, lockdown? He can’t just go and stay somewhere else for a few days. He’ll need to move in with his mother till Christmas.

VettiyaIruken · 02/11/2020 17:16

He can bleat on about it being "a joke" as much as he likes but he can't explain what made it funny can he?

bluebeck · 02/11/2020 17:31

I am sorry this happened OP.

I have been a professional singer and started singing in cafes much younger than your DD Grin

Do you think DH was a bit jealous that his brother is in a position to provide this for DD, rather than him? Is he jealous of his brother generally? Not condoning his behaviour at all, just trying to understand why he was such a dick.

Well as PP have pointed out he will have to be back by midnight Weds or he might be stuck at MILS for a very long time.....

Make sure DD knows it isn't her fault her dad isn't there, maybe get a takeaway and watch a nice film together?

Lipz · 02/11/2020 17:31

OMG how childish is he... Going to cry on mummy's shoulder. Jesus wept 🙄 he does know there's a lock down soon.

5foot5 · 02/11/2020 17:32

DH has gone to go stay with his mum for (I think) a few days after an argument

In an ideal world his Mum would tell him what an arsehole he has been and so would his brother.

pointythings · 02/11/2020 17:36

What a weakling he is! Couldn't get his arse in gear, realise he was wrong and apologise, noooo, he has to go running off to mummy. Does he do this kind of thing often?

Thewithesarehere · 02/11/2020 17:41

So he can’t apologise to his own daughter? What the fuck is wrong with him and why is he gone for a few days only? Tell him he can feel free to stay with his mum forever unless he apologises. Unconditionally. What a twat!