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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my DH for saying this?

142 replies

singeronthestage · 02/11/2020 12:47

Name change since family members know my username.

My DD is 14. She has picked up playing the guitar during quarantine (She could already play but has improved her skills by miles and is enjoying it lots!) and she enjoys singing it, too.

In no way stealth boasting, she is quite talented at singing for her age, control over her vibrato, brilliant pitch etc etc. I myself used to play in a small band and did gigs at a similar age so we sing together Smile

She visited her uncle (DH brother) yesterday and came home really happy, she told me she has amazing news - her uncle owns a 'nightclub' (not a nightclub but not sure what to call it!!) and he told her she can play there if she likes Smile
DD was over the moon, I told her it could be a good learning experience and knowing her she could do it! As I said I played myself as a teenager and honestly, why not? If it's something she enjoys then I think it could make her happy to bring entertainment to others with her voice!!

But then my DH just had to join in with the conversation and laugh at her Hmm Saying 'Oh, (brothers name) is just having a laugh, he's joking, he doesn't actually want you to play there' and made her feel like shit and now my DD has gone up to her room embarrassed Sad

Rudeness aside, the fuck would any decent human being joke about that anyways? Does he want to bring her confidence down?

Aibu to think this was an unnecessary and rude comment from my DH?? Angry

OP posts:
Eckhart · 02/11/2020 14:16

Is there jealousy between DH and BIL? It could trigger this kind of response in DH, and DD's feelings be damned.

Even if that it the cause, it's crap parenting and I'm not surprised you're pissed off with him.

Eckhart · 02/11/2020 14:17

@MiddleClassProblem Sorry, cross post.

Divebar · 02/11/2020 14:18

All the dads I know would be there filming the performance. When my nephew was in a band at 14 all the parents were there in the band T shirts ( a different sort of embarrassment granted ) My brother drove him and the drum set all over the place. My nephew went on to win a place at the Brit school so it wasn’t wasted effort by any means.

Devilesko · 02/11/2020 14:19

Oh, come on it's the environment and bollocks to children being protected, it's an adult environment where children don't belong.
it's an industry known for harassment and interesting how people seem to assume it's women who are suffering. Grin
The amount of times I've seen a punter or girl dancer grope my dh bum, or a group on the next table discussing how good they think he'd be in bed.
Women are as bad as the men.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/11/2020 14:19

[quote Eckhart]@MiddleClassProblem Sorry, cross post.[/quote]
It’s a solid theory!

Original poster
singeronthestage · 02/11/2020 14:29

@Devilesko Oh shut up with your numpty ideas Hmm

OP posts:
CoronaBollox · 02/11/2020 14:30

I really dont know what venues some people are allowing their 14 yo to play at, or be treated in that way.

I regularly went to one that sounded similar to what you describe OP. Kind of like a social club for talented people, people were always supportive especially of the younger ones. Couldn't imagine someone shouting something and everyone ignoring it. If she continues to sing then sure, she will probably sing in some sketchy places when shes older and have to deal with disgusting people. But most people around her wont allow that to happen and I'm sure her uncle will be aware if his club is suitable.

Devilesko · 02/11/2020 14:32

singer

Ha Ha, numpty ideas from someone who was a wannabe many years ago, to someone with over 30 years in the business.
Oh, you are funny.

Original poster
singeronthestage · 02/11/2020 14:35

@Devilesko Where have you even been singing? I've said many times on this thread that it isn't a sketchy place, her uncle is lovely and I've been before and it's a friendly social environment. I feel sorry for you to be honest Confused

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 02/11/2020 14:36

@Devilesko

Oh, come on it's the environment and bollocks to children being protected, it's an adult environment where children don't belong. it's an industry known for harassment and interesting how people seem to assume it's women who are suffering. Grin The amount of times I've seen a punter or girl dancer grope my dh bum, or a group on the next table discussing how good they think he'd be in bed. Women are as bad as the men.
All of which has absolutely fuck all to do with a father being a twat to his child.
Original poster
singeronthestage · 02/11/2020 14:40

@VettiyaIruken Exactly Hmm

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 02/11/2020 14:41

Men who get a kick out of belittling and humiliating young girls are the worst of the lot. Pathetic insecure little men.

SueEllenMishke · 02/11/2020 14:41

Mine would speak to dd like this but she's an exceptionally talented musician.
Your dd will have to get used to this and of course comments and sexual harassment from the workplace.
Mine was working at 14, she grew up very quickly.
It depends what you want for your child, but you can't complain when men think she's older 18+ and come on to her.

Where do you even start with posts like these?

And OP, yes your DH was horrible and I can see why you're upset. I hope he apologizes to her.

AliceAforethought · 02/11/2020 14:49

Come on, OP, Devilesko has been a pop star for 30 years and has a prodigiously talented daughter.

Therefore, everything they say is right. Hmm

(Even though no one else agrees with them.)

PatriciaPerch · 02/11/2020 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skodadoda · 02/11/2020 14:51

@singeronthestage

Just texted him. 'Why did you say that?? Did you want to put her down? She's 14 and she's happy to do something she enjoys!!' Answer: 'I was joking'

Angry

I’m afraid OP that this is the response a lot of men give when challenged on their put down remarks. ‘Just a joke’, but if not challenged they get away with it. It’s infuriating.
butterpuffed · 02/11/2020 14:51

OP , it doesn't seem right that you texted your DH to ask him why he said that when you're all at home. He said something that upset both you and your DD but then you all went to separate rooms....why didn't you discuss this together ?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/11/2020 14:56

@PrimeraVez

This is the kind of thing my Dad would have said and it always fucking crushed me. Please don't let him do it, even if it is a 'joke'. I resent my mum for allowing it to happen, almost as much as I do him for doing it.
Ditto.

My DF was constantly "joking" about things like this, and my appearance, and it totally destroyed my confidence. I grew up thinking I was plug ugly and totally talentless. It's only as an adult looking back over photos that I can see I was quite a pretty girl (nothing startling, but certainly wouldn't frighten the coalman's horse), and even now mistrust any compliments on any of my achievements.

"Just joking" and "You've got no sense of humour" should be banned from the English language". It's bullying.

flaviaritt · 02/11/2020 15:05

Is he like this regularly? If not, it is a badly placed joke.

Sparklfairy · 02/11/2020 15:06

Wow @Devilesko ... as someone who was 'in the business' Hmm myself, and with close relatives who are definitely far more famous than your DH, your attitude is depressing and wrong. If people are sexualising your DH and DD so much maybe they're not as 'exceptionally talented' as you think they are.

I'm sorry your DH thinks it's okay to hurt your DD's feelings OP. 'Joke' or not, it's not on.

Graciebobcat · 02/11/2020 15:06

I would have a word with your DH. He may have meant it as a joke but teenagers take things very much to heart and it was out of order. Perhaps he spoke out of fear - his daughter is growing up and making her own way, and playing a gig is a grown-up thing to do. Others may criticise her and in a way he wants to protect her from that by stopping her, wrong-headedly of course and he is completely wrong to say that.

I was only a tiny bit plump as a teenager but really worried about my weight and appearance at one point, and although my dad could be critical to his credit he never said a thing about my weight or appearance, but I remember feeling so sensitive that even a jokey comment would have upset me.

Good on your DD anyway, she sounds great and I hope your DH goes along and gives her the loudest cheer at the end.

VettiyaIruken · 02/11/2020 15:13

@AliceAforethought

Come on, OP, Devilesko has been a pop star for 30 years and has a prodigiously talented daughter.

Therefore, everything they say is right. Hmm

(Even though no one else agrees with them.)

😂😂
Mischance · 02/11/2020 15:17

Just the sort of thing my Dad would have said. Praise or encouragement was off the agenda. I would be beyond furious if my OH had done this to my DD.

Nancydrawn · 02/11/2020 15:19

What a dickhead.

OP, you have to go talk to him. You also need to talk to your daughter. She needs to know you have her back, even if her father doesn't.

lowlandLucky · 02/11/2020 15:28

Tell your DD to go and prove her Father wrong. Maybe he is jealous hat he doesn't have her talent. Bloody childish man

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