To think that me driving just isnt working

[Iusedtobecarmen]

I posted about my driving anxiety a while ago and how could i become a better driver.
A few months on im no better.
Brief recap.
Late driver(in my 40s).
Learnt and passed in an auto.
Bought a car After passing, a bit on impulse i suppose. Thinking I'd love driving.
Car is in finance for 3 yrs so tied in to it.
I barely use the car and even when i do its short, insignificant trips
I have never been anywhere 'proper'.
I have had the car more than a year.
Its parked outside unused 99% of the time. I bet the neighbours actually wonder who it belongs too !!

I am such an inexperienced driver and am anxious about everything. Getting there. Parking. Getting out out the parking space. Getting back.
Things happening- getting 'stuck'. Having to do a manoevere i find tricky.
I overthink everything. If i can talk myself of a drive then i will.
My anxiety is awful.
I want to love it.
I love my car but its almost like it doesnt belong to me. Theres nothing in it. No personal bits , not even a cloth or packet of chewing gum.
Ive just been on holiday and i didnt have to think of driving. It was bliss.i promised myself id drive when i got back. I havent.

Yesterday i could have done with popping out but i avoided.
Today i thought i may have to drive dc to school as weather bad. It interuppted my sleep.
Luckily weather was okay and we walked.
Then i hate myself for avoiding.

To help myself i had refresher lessons a while ago. I self medicate with Rescue remedy and propanalol.
I have had a course of CBT. Therapist was great and it all made sense but difficult to put into practice. She talked of avoidance etc ..she has given me the tools, but i cant use them.
I saw Gp who said could possibly start me on a low dose of sertraline but to continue with CBT.
I did enquire about further lessons in my own car but not possible to do in my car due to covid. Only option was instructors car.
I found a great course but it was 250 pounds. Cant really afford it,but wont be possible now due to the new lockdown.

I guess through all these ramblings what should i do?
Am i a liability going out when i feel like this ? People say practice, but is it really ok to go out there and practice when im so unsure?
I live in a bit city too so always busy.
Only quiet time is Sunday a.m super early.

I was younger than you when I passed (25) but I completely relate to your anxiety. It took me seven years of stop-start lessons and three tests to pass, also in an auto after I realised I was making life even harder for myself by persevering with the manual. I used to cry after lessons - and once during a lesson on hill starts!

After I passed I picked up a cheap car that turned out to have a major fault so it would lose power randomly, like pulling up to a roundabout. I scrapped the car after six months and didn't drive again for four years.

At the start of last year I decided to try again. Like you, I get very anxious around going new places, finding a parking space, getting into a tight parking space. Two weeks after I got the car, I drove somewhere I'd never been before and it was absolutely rammed, so I drove round and round for a space. I finally found one and I cracked my bumper on a bollard trying to get into it

However, I knew that forcing myself to practice was the only way to get better. I couldn't quit again. I applied for a parking space at my work and so every day I had to drive through a busy town to get there and back. One day I was driving along in the sunshine with the window open and I realised I was enjoying it. Now I get in the car without thinking and I've driven long distances on motorways, on country roads, in the city centre. DH has commented that he can't believe how much more confident I am, though I still get panicky about checking new routes on Google maps and I do still worry about parking! I mitigate this by timing visits for less busy periods and parking further away, if necessary. I'd rather walk a bit than stress myself out squeezing into a space.

Sorry this is long, I just wanted to show you that the anxiety can be overcome. The longer you leave it, the bigger a "thing" it becomes and it will paralyse you.

Oh, also, the more you drive the more you see that many, many people make mistakes on the roads. I was terrified of making a mistake and angering other drivers but pretty much every journey I make I notice people realising that they're in the wrong lane, etc. Just breathe, check your surroundings and indicate. Nine times out of ten someone will let you in.

Thank you.
I know it makes sense to practice. Im just so worried about something going wrong and then wishing i hadnt put myself in the situation.
Its already become a 'thing'.

I agree with pp that avoidance is the worst thing here. I was exactly the same with flying and thought for ages well it's just not for me, i can't do it.. but then went for a promotion where I had to fly. The only way to beat the anxiety is through it. Not something I wanted to accept but literally making yourself go through it is the only way to achieve your goals. I also had CBT and courses etc. but nothing works as well as just going for it. When every fibre of your being is saying I can't do this, you manually just keep putting one step in front of the other and DO IT!

I think it's totally fine to still drive even if you're unsure. You have a license, you have passed your test. Maybe start with a short trip around the block, no parking etc to begin with. The thing is, bumps and scrapes do happen, and will happen.. but much less likely if you're careful, which you will be!

Have you had anxiety before about other things? You can do this!

I'd consider putting P plates back on for a bit — that way people know you're not that experienced.

Sadly I think the only way to crack it is to do it! With the new lockdown the roads might be a bit quieter. Somewhere like a garden centre could be good to drive to, because they tend to have big car parks with plenty of space.

(I do sympathise, I passed at 17, but didn't have a car at university and hardly drove at all in the holidays. I was very nervous when I started to drive more again.)

Put your P plates on, roads should be a bit quieter over lockdown and drive to somewhere that will hopefully be quieter.

Go when you have no time pressure to get back/be somewhere.

Force yourself to go out daily if not twice a day...

I feel like I remember your previous thread, but IIRC that mainly focused on having issues parking at say the supermarket for example and didn't really talk about the general anxiety issues in much detail? Apologies if I've confused you with someone else.

You mention only really going on short, insignificant trips but then later say the idea of having to do the school drop off (presumably a short, insignificant trip) kept you up all night.

It sounds like you've had some refresher lessons, self medicated, CBT and seen GP. I think that's all the basic advice you'd get on here ticked off. Could you do another course of CBT or similar? Perhaps research if there is any specifically related to driving? Avoidance doesn't sound particularly relevant, because ultimately in these modern times, there will be instances where you do need to drive and these can't really be avoided without significant inconvenience to yourself or other people.

As a last resort, look at the concept of 'voluntary termination' for your car's finance deal - essentially once 50% of the financed amount is repaid, you can return the car and leave the contract early. In theory you could perhaps save away the money from the car finance into a pot and use this to fund taxis for the times in your life when you do really need a car for local trips e.g. weekly trip to the supermarket, family/friend visits, to get to school in torrential rain. Quite possibly it will still work out cheaper than the car finance and you can just pocket the leftovers.

No anxiety prior to this
I wasnt exactly confident as a learner but nothing like this
I am ok (ish)going to a big local supermarket with lots of spaces, but im very limited to what spaces i will attempt.
I cannot put P plates in. It will make me worse and draw attention to me.
Thing is as im mature and i have been driving past year,.albeit minimally, to suddenly have plates on will look odd. And attract comments from ppl who have seen me drive.
I.try and downplay my anxiety to most people so as not to get endless questions.

I really dislike driving and passed my test 40 years ago. I have only been on a motorway once.

I drive locally with the streets I know, to the supermarket, used to do the school run and take kids to friends and activities. It's enough for me.

I am happy to go on Public Transport (or I was before Covid) to go anywhere that I wouldn't drive to.

Be happy with your limited version of driving. If I won a ton of money I would get a chauffeur.

Honestly op you have to go out and about/ no other way. Don’t let others rush you, take your time! I used to dread and avoid reverse parking then I temp lived somewhere where reverse parking was the only option in an underground car park- every day having to do that got my used to getting the angle, taking my time etc.

OP

I used to drive and enjoy it

Then I developed anxiety and depression

Then the medication caused various problems which I felt made me a shit driver.

I no longer drive. I don’t want to be a crap driver.

My sister passed her test but after a few times of driving in a borrowed car, decided it wasn’t for her.

It’s not for everyone. It was a shock to me as I really enjoyed driving and was always the designated driver but honestly, the judgements you need to make on the road are quite full on, and if you think you’re not going to get better, or you hate it, leave it.

I also have favourite spaces at the supermarket OP. My kids used to call them Mummy spaces. So what. Do what you are happy with.

It is better than being an over confident driver IMHO.

Could you afford a couple of sessions of hypnotherapy? I haven't had it for a driving fear but I was really impressed with how well it worked. The more recent the issue/ trauma, the easier it is to deal with too.
Somehow they plant a seed which improves your confidence and you don't get that mental block about doing things.

How would you advise a child who wanted to give something up because, although they wanted to love it, they were too scared to do it?

Were you fine when you used to drive with an instructor? I was a wreck the first week or two of driving solo when I got my car. Driving to the end of my street to a junction made me nervous. I didn't enjoy it at all but I kept at it anyway and even though I was nervous nothing terrible happened, occasionally I would make a rookie mistake but again no accidents. I would mentally kick myself and note not to do it again.

Put your P plates on op and set yourself a goal. If school journey is short use the car for drop off only for a week or so. After a while you might decide to go to a shop after and just do it, build up to doing other things.

If I am totally honest my first thought is you could just give up the car, especially if you don't need it more than you want it. You can wiggle out of the hire purchase somehow and probably at a cost but better than wasting a couple yrs sitting on the pavement costing tax and insurance.

If you can manage without driving, that is OK. You don't have to be a driver. Be kind to yourself about this.

I want to love it.

I want to be a brain surgeon, a F1 driver a skinny fashion model but I can't do any of these and I accept that. Why should everyone expect that they will be able to drive, it's like any other skill, you may need to accept that it's not for you.

corona that probably was me.
Parking was and still is an issue. Not so much now as i know i can always fund somewhere and i have got a slightly better feel for.my car.
I.have considered buying myself out if the contract.
Just to clarify i do small familiar trips but even they are infrequent and still anxiety inducing . Although i do actually do them its not easily or naturally.
I did/do plan daily trips but it's more like 2 or 3 times a week in reality

My CBT was specific to driving.
Lockdown last time i did drive more and was much better.
Atm i will really avoid driving unless no choice. Big shop or taking dc somewhere that i cant walk to and DH isnt there to do it.

I could have written this.
Passed over twenty years ago then just stopped driving as hated it. Tried a few times over the years but never for long.
Now could really do with driving. Got car in August (as family car too big). Still hate it. I go out with my husband as often as I can but I don’t feel like I’m improving. He says I am but I’m just so nervous. I’ve given myself until the end of the year. Then if I still feel so bad I will just quit.

One warning - I’m in N Ireland so we have R plates which I assume are your P plates. I was told displaying them when not technically an R driver could invalidate insurance. I would love to use them as I am happier driving more slowly but I’m now scared to.

Lessons in your car will help, I feel sure.
What was the £250 course you found?

You need practice. I was like this when I first started driving but gradually it got better. I remember how sore my knuckles used to be from gripping the steering wheel so tight.

After a while of regular driving it slowly got better and now I am ok, I hate single track country roads but I still do them with minimal anxiety, I even mastered reverse parking recently which I avoided for years unless I had to.

I was really anxious when I first started driving. T took me ages to learn, i really struggled with spatial awareness and when I finally bpught my own car, I didn't drive it for so long that the battery went flat ...

One thing that really helped was that I got a holder for my phone, so that I can use Google Maps for driving. It recalculates the route automatically if you miss a turn and often shows guidance about which lane to be in for roundabouts, junctions etc. I found that really helps to reduce my anxiety about getting lost or not knowing where to go.

Another thing that helped was doing some longer trips. I still find parking stressful (What if there are no spaces? What if I can't get out of the space? What if I can't get into the space? What if I hit another car? What if someone laughs at me? And so on and so on ad infinitum), so longer trips where the ratio of driving time to parking time was increased helped me to feel less anxious about driving on the road and to deal with getting better at parking separately.

It also helped that my (now) DH was keen to share driving equally, so if we did a trip somewhere we would drive one way each. That meant that I got lots of driving time with someone I trusted to help me if I got stressed.

Practice and time really does make a difference. You get used to the mechanics of driving so that it becomes less of a cognitive load to do it at all, which makes it much less stressful. Remember how hard even going round the block was in your first driving lesson and think of all the progress you have made already.

I drive a lot now for my job, on stressful roads and hardly think twice about it. I park in busy multi storey car parks and at retail parks and places where I have to parallel park with irritated drivers waiting behind me. It's still occasionally stressful, but so much less so that a few years ago. I honestly really enjoy driving now, so it is possible to get much less nervous with time.

Thanks all for useful comments.
I do think maybe hypnotherapy may be an option i could try. Not sure now with lockdown though.
I do think.maybe driving isnt for me. I dont know.
I want to love it.as i said,as im independent
Love going out and about. Public transport by me is great mostly, but sometimes its nice to go further afield(not that i have).
Having the car atm is a very very expensive option for the amount im using it.

@Iusedtobecarmen

corona that probably was me. Parking was and still is an issue. Not so much now as i know i can always fund somewhere and i have got a slightly better feel for.my car. I.have considered buying myself out if the contract. Just to clarify i do small familiar trips but even they are infrequent and still anxiety inducing . Although i do actually do them its not easily or naturally. I did/do plan daily trips but it's more like 2 or 3 times a week in reality

My CBT was specific to driving.
Lockdown last time i did drive more and was much better.
Atm i will really avoid driving unless no choice. Big shop or taking dc somewhere that i cant walk to and DH isnt there to do it.

Oh right, sounds like my CBT advise wasn't too useful then. Odd that the the focus is on avoidance though even for driving specific...

How much are your cars monthly payments? and the annual insurance? and how much is taxi into city centre/to supermarket? Could be quite cost saving to simply not own a car, and not have to deal with this stress. What car does DH drive? You could use that occasionally too as an option.

I'm a confident driver, I'll drive anything anywhere. I don't mind driving at all.

BUT, I still do a test run of anywhere I'm going to drive. I still scout out where I'll be able to park on google maps, and pick places that look easier to park in. I still look at the route to anywhere I want to be (if it's long, I'll even write out instructions just in case), run google maps for journeys I do twice a day, pick the easy route even if it's further etc. When I'm driving in a new country I am nervous about doing something I didn't know I shouldn't.

So I don't think that any of that is unusual. Anxiety about the actual mechanics of driving (I switched to an auto too, because why make life hard) will go away with experience and time.

Having said that though, there's been long stretches of time when I haven't had a car, and been perfectly happy too.

So I really wouldn't worry either way - don't drive if you don't want to, don't worry about that at all, nice to have that available if you ever need it though.