To think that me driving just isnt working

[Iusedtobecarmen]

I posted about my driving anxiety a while ago and how could i become a better driver.
A few months on im no better.
Brief recap.
Late driver(in my 40s).
Learnt and passed in an auto.
Bought a car After passing, a bit on impulse i suppose. Thinking I'd love driving.
Car is in finance for 3 yrs so tied in to it.
I barely use the car and even when i do its short, insignificant trips
I have never been anywhere 'proper'.
I have had the car more than a year.
Its parked outside unused 99% of the time. I bet the neighbours actually wonder who it belongs too !!

I am such an inexperienced driver and am anxious about everything. Getting there. Parking. Getting out out the parking space. Getting back.
Things happening- getting 'stuck'. Having to do a manoevere i find tricky.
I overthink everything. If i can talk myself of a drive then i will.
My anxiety is awful.
I want to love it.
I love my car but its almost like it doesnt belong to me. Theres nothing in it. No personal bits , not even a cloth or packet of chewing gum.
Ive just been on holiday and i didnt have to think of driving. It was bliss.i promised myself id drive when i got back. I havent.

Yesterday i could have done with popping out but i avoided.
Today i thought i may have to drive dc to school as weather bad. It interuppted my sleep.
Luckily weather was okay and we walked.
Then i hate myself for avoiding.

To help myself i had refresher lessons a while ago. I self medicate with Rescue remedy and propanalol.
I have had a course of CBT. Therapist was great and it all made sense but difficult to put into practice. She talked of avoidance etc ..she has given me the tools, but i cant use them.
I saw Gp who said could possibly start me on a low dose of sertraline but to continue with CBT.
I did enquire about further lessons in my own car but not possible to do in my car due to covid. Only option was instructors car.
I found a great course but it was 250 pounds. Cant really afford it,but wont be possible now due to the new lockdown.

I guess through all these ramblings what should i do?
Am i a liability going out when i feel like this ? People say practice, but is it really ok to go out there and practice when im so unsure?
I live in a bit city too so always busy.
Only quiet time is Sunday a.m super early.

@Iusedtobecarmen
I must say i would love my own car, at alest you have yours and can’t be nagged.
The car is Automatic, I already forgot how to drive manual anyway.
In regards of parking I can ONLY Bay park, I forgot how to parallel park I would not even attempt it now.
So yes if I need a park somewhere where I work I have to find Bay parking with 2 spaces free next to each other.
I’m in late 40s too so very anxious.
I never look at road markings as I don’t get them.
On a top of it I am always being hunted by some feat behind me, tailgating me as they think if my car is pricey I must be twat driver too.
So I always getting pushed like that even into high speed, immediately regretting it.
And I always get upset tummy and runny poos before each journey.
When you mentioned the hairdresser appointment parking, I had the same last week but I prefer walk there few miles as spaces are tight there and I can’t imagine park there and everyone would be at the window laughing at me.

@Hiddennameforever
I normally walk to the salon. Its close. The only reason i didnt today was for 'practice' as i havent driven for over a week.
It would have been quicker to walk than to drive to tesco, park there and walk to the salon!!!!

I'm a very anxious driver too. I recently had to change cars and am a nervous wreck now.

Can you just concentrate on one route for now, get to know it well until you feel confident before driving elsewhere? And maybe practice parking somewhere that's quiet? So supermarket carpark maybe early or late when no one's around?

It seems that a lot of your anxieties about driving are really anxieties about what people will think of/ say to you. If you didn't care at all about that, would you find it all a lot less stressful? I think it might be that aspect you need to resolve, rather than anything specifically related to driving a car.

You should look into hypnotherapy. I know someone who did a few sessions and is now a very confident driver.

Am I the only one here who finds the number of anxious, dithering drivers apparently on the road worrying? Maybe it's not for you and you need to accept that rather than risking lives!

I agree., i think i am worried a lot what people think or say. If i was driving on an empty road id be fine. Hence im happy driving in a sunday morning!
I would love to give hypnotherapy a whirl but sure it would be off limits atm?
I have been to supermarkets Sunday am and its fine. But its different parking in an empty car park to a busy one with people and cars!!!! Its still good practice though i agree. Ive also sometimes got up early sun morning and driven for an hour .
Agian although its a million times better ,its not a natural situation and waaay harder on a weekday to put it into action.

I have never seen any evidence that being anxious makes you a dangerous driver and plenty of evidence that overconfidence does. There’s a reason why young men tend to have a lot more serious accidents.

I would also note that being anxious isn’t the same as dithering. I have known drivers who were confident about their driving but also indecisive.

@keeprocking being anxious about being able to park does not make the roads dangerous. If you read the OPs posts you'll see that she's gone to extreme lengths to be as safe a driver as possible and it's confidence that's the issue. Comments like yours are just nasty and superior.

You may never love driving, OP I don’t either, but I will happily get in the car and drive somewhere I need to go to, without a second thought. You need to drive everyday, just a short trip, the more you get used to it the easier it will become. Good luck.

I suffered awful anxiety about driving and always thought 'what if'. Lockdown was great for me as I HAD to drive as the thought of been on a bus didn't appeal to me. I still get anxious now and I stress so much if I mess up. But, I always look back at how far I've come. Keep going though and it will be worth it

@keeprocking

Am I the only one here who finds the number of anxious, dithering drivers apparently on the road worrying? Maybe it's not for you and you need to accept that rather than risking lives!

No, you are not the only one, I totally agree with you.

I also learned relatively late and I remember the FEAR of going out on my own the first time and for a while after that but the only way to get round this is practice. You either practice and get better or give up if it isn’t for you. As PP have said there are too many anxious, dithering and therefore dangerous drivers on the road. If you can manage without a car then do so.

I once worked with a woman who had passed her test on the 15th try. If you need to do your test that many times I don’t think you should driving. She had her L plates on years later and would only drive certain routes. She couldn’t come to a Christmas do one year as it involved crossing a dual carriageway. Crazy. Some people should just not be driving.

[quote Suzysleep]@keeprocking being anxious about being able to park does not make the roads dangerous. If you read the OPs posts you'll see that she's gone to extreme lengths to be as safe a driver as possible and it's confidence that's the issue. Comments like yours are just nasty and superior.[/quote]
Nothing superior about it, ut was a general coimment about the number of people on here are anxious and nervous drivers, that makes them dangerous. Why can people not accept their limitations, I accept mine.

You really need extra lessons. Your life would be so much easier if you were comfortable driving

If you can live your life without driving why not sell the car, or see if you can get out of the finance on it, and just let go of this enormous stress.

I remember your thread OP. Honestly just make yourself drive. If you are really frightened to begin with would your DH agree to accompany you? Every time you go in a car with him you need to be driving. It really does get easier with practice, I was a very nervous driver and you wouldn't know that now.

Driving really can be stressful, but more so if you are not very experienced. If I were you I'd pick very quiet times to go out, not for any time constraining reason that might make you feel flustered, and just go out, perhaps with someone you trust with you, for a gentle drive. Try to build up your weekly hours doing it before you commit yourself to having to drive somewhere for a particular reason. You're just out of practice. Once it becomes a regular thing you'll wonder how you managed without it - and with Covid it's much better to be in your own car than on public transport.

I was a very anxious driver too. I passed my test at 21 and didn't start driving until about 15 years later!

What helped me was having to drive to an evening course I was doing. I really wanted to do the course, and there was no public transport, so I had to force myself. 20 minute journey on a dual carriageway, then a series of awful roundabouts, all in the dark!! Baptism of fire for sure.

Since then, my confidence and willingness to drive to new places has grown slowly.

I am still not a fan of long-distance trips - far too stressful and can't just relax & enjoy the journey like on public transport.

If you really want to build confidence, you can try setting yourself goals - drive somewhere familiar, then branch out to further away/new destinations.

Also, Google Streetview is SO USEFUL for looking at roads, landmarks etc to familiarise yourself with new routes.

You're definitely not alone! Best of luck

Also, know your limits.

It's ok to want to avoid certain roads, times of day etc. I don't like driving on country roads for any length of time - all the speeders scare the hell out of me.

Thanks all(well nearly all!)
Why dont i know you people in real life?
I only know one person who has confessed to feeling like me. Most are fine and aren't fazed by driving.
Btw to the negative posters- thanks . Its people like you that make me feel shit. Im anxious, yes.
Absolutely not a ditherer. I don't think i behave dangerously.
Parking at the back of a carpark or parking on a quiet street isn't dangerous. It may make me a crap driver but not dangerous. I dont go too fast or too slow. Just what i am supposed to.
Less dangerous than the speeders or the people that undertake and overtake me when they arent safe to do so.

I agree with you OP. Most of the 'confident' (arrogant) drivers I know have points on their licence and one has now asked me to drive her around because she is due to have hers taken away.

Short trips never give you a chance to settle in

Drive to the coast, some hills, whatever is about an hour away. Being on a longer drive will give you a chance to enjoy it rather than being stressed from start to finish

Some nasty and unhelpful comments on here. Being anxious does not make you "dithering" or dangerous. The dangerous drivers I encounter are the ones who can't wait to overtake, so overtake on a bend etc. Those of us who are anxious drive extremely carefully, that doesn't mean we "dither".

OP, I realise parking in an empty carpark is very different to parking in a full one, I just thought practising in a safe environment as often as possible may help in the long run.

Lots of good advice here, mine is pick a couple of routes and practice with them - you’ll get more confident the more familiar you are with them. Then you can think about branching out to less familiar areas.

I’m a confident driver but a nervous parker - a reversing camera has made the world of difference to me. You can get them for £100 upwards and added to your car - it has transformed my confidence with reversing, three point turns etc.

The thing is, if the rational part of my brain thought I wouldn’t be safe, I would indeed stop trying. But the rational part of my brain knows that as a cautious middle aged lady who is not going to speed, do risky overtaking to show off, talk on my mobile, drive when tired or otherwise impaired, and who several instructors and an examiner thought was fine, I am probably not actually an egregious danger to the public. It’s the IRRATIONAL part of my brain that freaks out.