To think that me driving just isnt working

[Iusedtobecarmen]

I posted about my driving anxiety a while ago and how could i become a better driver.
A few months on im no better.
Brief recap.
Late driver(in my 40s).
Learnt and passed in an auto.
Bought a car After passing, a bit on impulse i suppose. Thinking I'd love driving.
Car is in finance for 3 yrs so tied in to it.
I barely use the car and even when i do its short, insignificant trips
I have never been anywhere 'proper'.
I have had the car more than a year.
Its parked outside unused 99% of the time. I bet the neighbours actually wonder who it belongs too !!

I am such an inexperienced driver and am anxious about everything. Getting there. Parking. Getting out out the parking space. Getting back.
Things happening- getting 'stuck'. Having to do a manoevere i find tricky.
I overthink everything. If i can talk myself of a drive then i will.
My anxiety is awful.
I want to love it.
I love my car but its almost like it doesnt belong to me. Theres nothing in it. No personal bits , not even a cloth or packet of chewing gum.
Ive just been on holiday and i didnt have to think of driving. It was bliss.i promised myself id drive when i got back. I havent.

Yesterday i could have done with popping out but i avoided.
Today i thought i may have to drive dc to school as weather bad. It interuppted my sleep.
Luckily weather was okay and we walked.
Then i hate myself for avoiding.

To help myself i had refresher lessons a while ago. I self medicate with Rescue remedy and propanalol.
I have had a course of CBT. Therapist was great and it all made sense but difficult to put into practice. She talked of avoidance etc ..she has given me the tools, but i cant use them.
I saw Gp who said could possibly start me on a low dose of sertraline but to continue with CBT.
I did enquire about further lessons in my own car but not possible to do in my car due to covid. Only option was instructors car.
I found a great course but it was 250 pounds. Cant really afford it,but wont be possible now due to the new lockdown.

I guess through all these ramblings what should i do?
Am i a liability going out when i feel like this ? People say practice, but is it really ok to go out there and practice when im so unsure?
I live in a bit city too so always busy.
Only quiet time is Sunday a.m super early.

SeaToSki THANK YOU, your plan is amazing. I know I should go for a drive every day but it seems too much. Just backing out of the drive and in again might just be possible.

Another driver with anxiety here. My worst thing is roundabouts. I panic about knowing when to go - even small ones. Sometimes I don't know how to read road markings too - on bigger roads.

I passed years ago and DH makes me drive sometimes. I hate it.

Any tips?

I'd like to get better as DH has to to 99% driving and it would be more equal to share. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick though.

Would anyone else like to make a plan like SeaToSky suggests and have a thread to encourage each other?
I think driving short distances during this lockdown is ok, isn’t it?

I could have written your post exactly OP.
I passed when i was 20, my mum booked my first lessons as i was putting it off as the thought of it made me feel sick and i used to dread every lesson, even actually be sick from worrying several times just before the lessons started.
I passed second time and i had to get used to driving frequently as i was doing uni and part time work. I was fine with going to those 2 places but i avoided driving anywhere else and with anyone else in the car with me, my mum even used to joke alot that my car only knew how to drive 2 places and tease me about it (in hindsight this annoys me as my mum suffers anxiety and i wonder why she would say things like that knowing how embarrased it made me feel) my partner at the time also added to that anxiety as when i'd newly passed and had him in the car on a couple of occasions he would laugh if i stalled or critisize the way i drove.
I've actively avoided meeting up with people if i need to drive there or if going places and expected to car share i will opt out unless someone offers to drive then ill be able to go knowing i wont have to drive.
I've never had a reliable car so have had mine in the garage for repairs etc often and i feel relief when there is no expectation for me to drive, i also relish being away/on holiday where i dont have my car and havent got to worry about driving.
I google map new places to check out parking and panic if it looks like i might struggle to park/find it. I have also spent nights awake worrying about having to drive somewhere and have panicked several times the weather has been bad that i might have to drive my DC to school instead of walk as the parking near school is terrible.
I would say my driving is average, im not terrible but not perfect. I don't reverse park, couldnt parallel park to save my life and i would never drive anywhere if those options of parking were the only options.

That said, with my recent DC i have made a new group of friends and we love taking them new places, i have since noticed my anxiety around driving is no where near as intense now, i am happy to sat nav a new place without having to look up the whole journey etc prior and have followed a friend somewhere ive never been and not even panicked that i might lose them and have no idea where i am! I will never be a confident driver and would happily give up my car if i didnt need it for work.
I also have a massively confident DP who drives for work and can do manouevres i couldn't even dream about. He doesnt know my anxiety around driving but i joke about how i can't reverse park etc and he laughs along with me. Although he does the majority of driving when we are together i don't feel anxious at all when he is in the car with my unlike my previous DP.

I would practice with the places you feel more comfortable going and just increase that until you are doing a short journey daily/regularly and build up from there.
Do you feel more comfortable driving alone or with somebody?

Hi OP,

I've recently passed at the age of 36 and can relate to the nerves. I've been forcing myself to drive even though I'm shaking with nerves and even over the course of a few weeks it's getting easier and easier each time. As with many PP, the anxiety about parking is the main worry even though every time I've managed to park fine - I just put it down to fluke You need to force yourself to get out there - the thought of it is always worse than once you're out there driving and the thrill afterwards of having done it makes it totally worth it. Just get out there, take it steady and try and build up a little more each day. I'm with you on the P plates - I already feel like everyone can tell I'm a new driver, I don't want to draw attention to myself.

Are there any business parks near you?
With people working from home they tend to be much emptier and lots of car parking spaces to practice in.

You need to just grab the bull by the horns and get behind the wheel. The longer you leave it, the worse it'll be - and the rustier your skills will get.

I can completely empathise, I am such a nervous driver and when I passed, I was constantly trying to convince myself of why taking the bus was better than driving. In the end I just had to get in the car and drive. I still get really anxious and avoid certain routes that I know are busy/complicated. But I can at least get in the car when I really need to. Honestly, it will make your life so much easier. There isn't really any other advice that to just get behind the wheel. Good luck!

Another thing, give yourself permission stop and regroup. It's really ok to pull over or park up (safely) if you feel overwhelmed and start again when you feel calmer.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel that's awful about your friend, I'm so sorry.

I agree OP, don’t put P plates on as it makes drivers more likely to take the piss, cut you up etc.

I know exactly how you feel. I passed in March. It was great during lockdown as the roads were empty but I was still anxious. I hated getting in the car, avoided driving anywhere. Come September, my daughter started school in a school 5 miles away, so I had to drive her. Some mornings I felt so anxious that I was so dizzy I didn’t think it would be safe to get in the car.

Now, a few months on, I get in the car without even thinking about it. After doing the school run everyday, I’m getting much better on unfamiliar roads and I’ve been forced to tackle so many different situations now that it no longer worries me.

If she didn’t go this school, I would still be where you are. Unfortunately, you really do have to force yourself to do it every day. It takes time, but it DOES get easier. With the new lockdown, this will be the best time to practice. I don’t like aimlessly driving around though, it helps to have a destination so you can focus on getting there, rather than how you’re driving.

I still make mistakes, especially if I meet a situation I’ve not been in before. But I live to tell the tale!

I promise it will get better.

I do find parking challenging, but I have a big 4x4 and it won’t fit in just any old space. It was a big source of my anxiety but I’m getting more confident over time. I’m still rubbish at reversing it but I’m getting there. I have to reverse park it in most places otherwise I’d never get back out, not to mention it being safer as I can see much more when I drive out. At least you don’t have that to contend with (I assume!).

I hated myself for putting it off and avoiding places. I’m so glad it’s got better. I even like it sometimes!

Thanks MisterMagpie, it was very sad. She was a lovely person.
It took me a while to realise that it really was just a random tragedy not a sign from the gods telling me not to drive.

You’ve got further than me Iusedtobecarmen I don’t drive because of anxiety. I just can’t see how I could, even as a passenger if I imagine myself being the driver I feel shaky and anxious.

Everyone keeps saying how it will give me freedom, but all I see is a sense of dread. Like you I would panic about routes, parking, manoeuvres.
I know this is not helpful to you but I empathise with the way you feel.

Have you tried a course of hypnotherapy?

Friend of mine was so terrified of flying she only travelled abroad by road sea or train. Then her son moved to West Canada and she decided it was time (age 60) to get over her fears or she would rarely see him. . Hypnosis did the trick and she has flown happily ever since.

@KisstheTeapot14

Another driver with anxiety here. My worst thing is roundabouts. I panic about knowing when to go - even small ones. Sometimes I don't know how to read road markings too - on bigger roads.

I passed years ago and DH makes me drive sometimes. I hate it.

Any tips?

I'm okay at small roundabouts but I hate big ones. I use Google Maps on my phone (I have a holder attached to the windscreen) and it says "using the second lane, take the third exit at the roundabout". I find that helpful.

When I'm planning a journey that I haven't taken before, I study Google Maps like my life depends on it. I even put it on street view and tap through the route so I know what to expect. Then when I'm driving, I'll spot a landmark that I'd noted so I'll say to myself "okay, that's the church, I need to turn right here and stay in the inside lane".

It really helps with my anxiety.

I agree OP, don’t put P plates on as it makes drivers more likely to take the piss, cut you up etc.

I agree with this.

The car you drive is also a factor, sadly. I had a Fiat 500 and people on the roads treated me like absolute shit. When I upgraded to a VW Polo the difference was unbelievable - no-one tried to race by me, tailgate me or cut me up.

This is going to sound crazy.

I used to be like this. I walked a 6 mile round trip to work every day, year round, to avoid the 10 minute drive.

My DH used to make me take my turn driving every now and then, so that I kept it up, but I would avoid at all costs.

Then I came off the pill, and it went away, basically over night. After 6 months, I moved, and now have an hour long commute in the car, and don't think twice about it.

It took me a while to connect it to the pill. It was only after going back on the mirena after being off the pill for years, that I drove up to a roundabout and had a sudden wave of panic that I couldn't make sense of what cars were going where. Then I started to wonder if it could be hormonal.

For a while, I would get a monthly wobble, where I felt the old fear. Then the mirena settled down, and it stopped again, along with my periods.

I've not been able to find anyone else reporting the same, but I did find a study about the impact of the menopause on spatial awareness. I do now think that rather than an irrational fear, it was a natural reaction an to impaired ability to read the road.

Do you struggle to make sense of what is happening on the road? If you are driving through roadworks, do you see a random mess of traffic cones, or the path through them?

Your car definitely causes a reaction in other drivers. I had a smart car and was frequently cut up. I now drive a Sportage and nobody bothers me.

OP I used a satnav to get everywhere when I passed and that made more confident. I knew that no matter where I ended up I could get home. Nothing more useful to add other than if you don't want to drive you don't have to. You may well be in positive equity with your car and be able to hand it back if you want to.

Thanks all
You are amazing!
nobody knows me
This is me!!! I dont tell anyone how i feel anymore as people cracked jokes or kept making comments. So now i downplay it massively. I don't mention driving at all unless someone asks and then i keep my response simple.
This is another reason i dont use P plates. As another person said i already feel like its obvious im a new driver without broadcasting it.
Dh Is supportive but i started off in the wrong foot.
I declined his offer of help when i first passed/got the car. As i preferred to be alone.
Hes a very experienced driver and really doesnt get it at all. I have always worried he might inadvertently make a comment that might dent my confidence.
So now i think he thinks im not so anxious. Obviously he's not stupid and can see i don't drive but i play it down. So its just jokey comments from me now. And now its too far down the line to embarrass myself by asking him to drive with me.

I just drove to my hairdressing appointment! However, before i went i had an upset stomach .
I parked in the supermarket opposite, not by the salon. And i parked at the back of the car park. I always do this though and im fine with this.

@Iusedtobecarmen
I am like this too.
I passed in 2015 on second try in manual.
I did not drive for a year.
Now I share DHs very expensive car so drinking makes me extremely anxious and stressed.
He is absolutely horrible and very fussy about the car.
I’m always scared to go in.
I drive once per week from A to B to work which I know the route well.
But if this route would be closed or redirected I would be lost and would not go.
I look in the morning for road works in the route so I would see if any obstacles, if yes I would abandon the journey.
Also going to a large supermarket carpark I have to very early to get at lest 3 spaces next to each other and I will reverse in otherwise I would not attempt car space where another car it’s already parked next to it.
I would not go on motorway ever as I’m scared to join in. My DH always screams at me, nagging me in the car, leading me being absolutely wreck and crying in the car whale driving.
Hence I would not have anyone ever with me in the car.
I tried once with my best friend, which turned out similar as as DH.
She sat next to me ,leaning toward m, laughed and telling what I’m did wrong in patronising way which was very frustrating for me.
So yes, I hate driving too but this is mostly as the car it’s not mine so I don’t feel free and have to 10000000%careful with it.
I assume if I have my own car I definitely would not be worried about wheels alloys scuffs etc.p and would feel much better with it.
Sadly DH would never get second car so no option.

*driving. NOT Drinking

@KisstheTeapot14
I too suddenly feel that j cant or won't be able to make sense if some road markings.and i will then block someone in, not be in the correct place to turn, enter a road etc.
I do have a sat nav but this doeant help with anxiety over road markings.
Parking , well ive ''forgotten' how to reverse park and i wouldn't even attempt to parallel park . If course these are issues i must address
As i worry i will be in a situation i cant get out of.
Even just with my short 19 min drive i was stuck behind a bus. Couldnt see what the hold up was and all i could think was what if i have to back up and reverse around the corner.
To answer a question upthread the course i was looking at was a 6 hr course specialising in anxiety. I have enquired about tge ?IAMs course but they dont cover my area.
I think a lot of my fears.are genuine as i really am inexperienced, theres no way getting around that. Some bits are just anxiety though.
I do wonder if there is a hormonal aspect.

As for the car i drive ,it is a city car which
May put me at a disadvantage.
I chose it as i thought it would be easier to drive, park and manoevere!!!

@Hiddennameforever
Thats why i got my own car. At least Dh cant comment on any scuffs. I also got the feeling(although he denies it) that he wasnt keen on me going on his insurance.
However,getting my car was a very expensive mistake. I have high interest finance due to my credit score, meaning even if i could buy myself out it wont be yet.

Hi @Iusedtobecarmen, sorry to hear about your driving anxiety. I only learnt to drive at 31 and I was a nervous driver for ages. I drove so little in the first two years after passing that I had to have a couple of refresher lessons to give me confidence in driving again!

For me, the more I drove, the more confident I became, and now I love driving! I'm still not amazing at parking (DH laughs at me because I always have to have a few goes at bay/reverse parking) but I know that I won't hit another car or damage my own; I just have poor spatial awareness so have to keep tweaking my manoeuvres to get in the space properly. I'm actually pretty good at parallel parking too now - again, what helped was realising that it didn't matter how many goes it took as long as I didn't hit anything. I have no shame and will go in and out of a space multiple times if I need to. Better that than hit the car behind me!

You've had lots of good advice about how to build your confidence here; I don't have anything specific to add beyond saying that I sympathise and that practice really does make perfect.

As for the car i drive ,it is a city car which
May put me at a disadvantage.
I chose it as i thought it would be easier to drive, park and manoevere!!!

That's exactly why I got my Fiat 500 after four years of not driving. I wanted a tiny car that didn't have a long bonnet, so parking would be easier. I surprised myself a year later by wanting something a bit bigger and more powerful!