To think that me driving just isnt working

[Iusedtobecarmen]

I posted about my driving anxiety a while ago and how could i become a better driver.
A few months on im no better.
Brief recap.
Late driver(in my 40s).
Learnt and passed in an auto.
Bought a car After passing, a bit on impulse i suppose. Thinking I'd love driving.
Car is in finance for 3 yrs so tied in to it.
I barely use the car and even when i do its short, insignificant trips
I have never been anywhere 'proper'.
I have had the car more than a year.
Its parked outside unused 99% of the time. I bet the neighbours actually wonder who it belongs too !!

I am such an inexperienced driver and am anxious about everything. Getting there. Parking. Getting out out the parking space. Getting back.
Things happening- getting 'stuck'. Having to do a manoevere i find tricky.
I overthink everything. If i can talk myself of a drive then i will.
My anxiety is awful.
I want to love it.
I love my car but its almost like it doesnt belong to me. Theres nothing in it. No personal bits , not even a cloth or packet of chewing gum.
Ive just been on holiday and i didnt have to think of driving. It was bliss.i promised myself id drive when i got back. I havent.

Yesterday i could have done with popping out but i avoided.
Today i thought i may have to drive dc to school as weather bad. It interuppted my sleep.
Luckily weather was okay and we walked.
Then i hate myself for avoiding.

To help myself i had refresher lessons a while ago. I self medicate with Rescue remedy and propanalol.
I have had a course of CBT. Therapist was great and it all made sense but difficult to put into practice. She talked of avoidance etc ..she has given me the tools, but i cant use them.
I saw Gp who said could possibly start me on a low dose of sertraline but to continue with CBT.
I did enquire about further lessons in my own car but not possible to do in my car due to covid. Only option was instructors car.
I found a great course but it was 250 pounds. Cant really afford it,but wont be possible now due to the new lockdown.

I guess through all these ramblings what should i do?
Am i a liability going out when i feel like this ? People say practice, but is it really ok to go out there and practice when im so unsure?
I live in a bit city too so always busy.
Only quiet time is Sunday a.m super early.

Can I suggest you make a plan and then become ferocious about sticking to it, as that is a good way to deal with anxiety.

The idea is that you just think of one step you can take towards your goal and then just do that and no more

Week 1
Sit in the car every day for an hour and read a book or listen to music, take a coffee out and and comfy blanket and just hang out

Week 2
Back out of your driveway and then drive straight back in, every day. Then hang out in the car for half an hour

Week 3
Out of your driveway and round the block, no more. Then hang out for half an hour

Week 4
A slightly longer drive but not more than 10 mins and easy roads

So you see how you build up slowly. The idea is to build routine and not trigger panic, thats why hanging out in the car to start with is helpful as it means just getting in the car is less likely to cause an adrenalin surge. You also have to commit to doing it everyday, so tell your family what you are doing and ask them to support/remind/nag/encourage you

It may take you a year to build up fully to driving, but that is just fine, it has taken quite a while to get to the state you are in. It will take a while to get out of it

dragon
That sounds like me. Especially the parking bit
Dh tells me my battery will go flat.
Extra anxiety recently is 2 of my dc have separate activities same day of the weeknd. Meaning i will probably have to drive to that..thats terribly stressful as i know the parents and i envisage myself pulling up trying to park all flustered and incompetent. They have all presumbably be driving years.and its a non issue.
Ive avoided this for ages and now (thankfully)its all off due to covid.

Op, I passed my test at 35 and like you I was very nervous. For the 1st year I hardly drove at all. I think it wasn't till about 3 years after my test that I started to drive instead of walking. Parking terrified me and the thought of getting stuck. But very gradually I increased in confidence. I learnt to drive to be able to do things with my children. So that was my goal. And 12 years on I wouldn't be without my car. I don't love driving. But I live that I have the option. Maybe see about parking sensors. I've have them on my current car and find it gives me more confidence

In all honesty driving in a busy city is a nightmare at the best of times. I live in a rural area and driving is easy here, with easy parking and quiet roads. Maybe just drive for an hour every Sunday morning?

@SeaToSki
Thanks
Good plan - its kind of like the CBT i had.

Use your phone. Get a holder, put Google maps on and use it as a satnav. It will tell you where to go. Which lane to use and correct you if you go off route. Takes a lot of stress out of being a new driver.

@Iusedtobecarmen

Thank you. I know it makes sense to practice. Im just so worried about something going wrong and then wishing i hadnt put myself in the situation. Its already become a 'thing'.

Go out again with an instructor if you're that worried. Concentrate on what bothers you

I sympathise so much because I am in a similar position. I haven’t got any useful advice but I wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.

I passed my test 10 years ago but never drove again. I didn’t struggle that much with learning, I passed first time, but I lived in a quiet, easy area of the country. Then we moved to a much more difficult place - very busy, hilly town in the south east and I’ve been trying to learn again. I’ve spent more than a grand on refresher lessons and got nowhere.

I’m just so crap at it, and so scared. I desperately want to be able to drive though. Being unable to do it negatively affects our family life. Some of the comments on here are very encouraging though.

Look at courses on IAM RoadSmart. Tailored to you.

The advice from @SeaToSki was awesome. You really need practice, practice, practice. I can still get nervous driving on narrow roads, going on unfamiliar routes and tight spaces but I have to be able to drive because I live in Cornwall. I have definitely improved parking, partly due to having parking sensors on my car. I'd suggest taking a passenger who is experienced and understanding with you, they can keep you calm. You really need to commit.

@SeaToSki
No to backing OUT a drive, you should always back IN and drive out.
This will not improve confidence as backing out is more likely to cause an accident.

Not sure you can do this with lockdown restrictions but at some point I would choose a long drive to somewhere.
Maybe a day by the sea or just driving to the seaside and parking up then going for a walk, getting a bag of chips and then driving back.
Lots of motorway driving. Lots of service station stops and really get used to your vehicle.
Friend was similar to you after passing her test. Bought a brand new car and after 5 years it only had 1200 miles on the clock.

She got over her fear when her husband told her to do a long journey in the car and send him a photo when she got there. Once out of the city and trundling along on the inside lane of the motorway she started to relax.
She still hates driving in London but it isn’t because of the fear of driving but because she hates London driving.

Also I have been driving 40 years. No fear of driving and can drive hundreds of miles per day for work but I can’t park. I have practiced and practiced.
Dd has tried to show me but to no avail.

I have a car that parks itself. It is a miracle.

Hi!
I just rejoined Mumsnet to post here. I am in my 40s and passed my test 20 years ago and have driven sparodically but never really needed to for work. Over the years my anxity has grown massively. It has always bothered me as I see myself as very independent and really hate having to be chauffeured around. Also my family live in the country and it is difficult to see them. In addition one day I'd love to have a camper van but until recently it felt like a pipe dream.
Anyway, over lockdown I decided to have a last ditch attempt to do something about it. I found a driving instructor who is also a trained therapist and specialises in anxiety. I have had 5 x 3 hours sessions with him and, whilst I wouldn't say I'm anxiety free and love driving, I think I am on the way. He taught me a lot about how the brain works. I would really recommend him if you had the opportunity (he is based in West Yorkshire) but appreciate money is tight at the moment. I'm happy to pass on some of the tips he gave me though if you would like to PM me. But the main point is that no one is not cut out for driving because the human brain is designed to deal with movement. We just have to let the brain do it's job.
Anyway, I completely empathise. It's so annoying that something that others find so easy is so difficult for us. I think we can get there though.

PS. I forgot to mention that I had also tried driving with an advanced driving instructor previously. If anything this made me worse as the focus was completely on technique and I felt judged and inadequate constantly. My anxiety specialist didn't make me feel stupid or useless and made me realise that a lot of the advice I had from other instructors had been really unhelpful psychologically. If you do get another driving instructor try to make sure they are recommended specifically for people in your situation. Technique is a very small part of the problem. The focus needs to be on changing how your mind works.

@keeponspinning
thanks
I will reply properly in a bit
Im going to get hair done .
Im psyching myself up to drive there

I passed first time after a few months of lessons. You'd think I was an expert, the reality was I vomited before every lesson and refused to drive on a motorway or city centre for ages. My confidence comes and goes even now. In the past I've driven as part of my job working in the community, but recently I'm nervous again for no reason. This is 18 years down the line. I'm now a single parent and if someone took my car today I would probably have a break down (genuinely) and in fact I have done a couple of years ago when my car died and I couldn't afford another. I guess what I'm saying is that some of us have a very difficult relationship with driving and cars

My DH passed his test and then didn't drive for about 15 years - I ended up teaching him to drive again while heavily pregnant! It's all about practice, have you got someone who could go out with you and give you a bit of coaching?

I'm a pretty good driver and I hate parking - I'll always park far away in the supermarket because I hate the narrow spaces but I've been forcing myself to reverse park more and it's much easier than I thought it was in my head. You can absolutely do this!

Agree with others @SeaToSki advice was excellent. I think the main thing is you need to go out every day. Absolutely force yourself. Set an alarm for a time you are always free.

On your comment of other parents seeing you when you need to take your child to an activity, 1. they won't be watching, that's all in your head. 2. if you do make a mistake it's not a big deal. I've been driving 24 years and sometimes utterly screw up parking, or stall my car. Nobody wil leven bat an eyelid at it.

Sorry, one more thing. I agree about forcing yourself to drive and the best way I have found to do this is to offer to do chores and errands for other people so it's impossible for me to back out.

you need to practice. Are driving schools open? you can get lessons with an instructor to come and sit in your car with you.

OP - what do you want to do?
From my selfish perspective the roads would be much improved if they were free of incompetent people, some of whom don't even want to be there - but everyone has the right to drive if they have passed and provided they aren't dangerous (and even then there are a lot of dangerous people still driving).
In the end you have to make your own choice - we can't decide for you.

I'm very similar. I passed at 20 and was 37 before I drove again. I always hated driving and it took 4 attempts to pass but I did it.

There is a big long story but basically my friend hit a pedestrian and killed them in their car around the time I passed. It wasn't my friends fault (inquest etc determined) but that was irrelevant really, the pedestrian was dead and my friend was devastated. This all got in my head I think and I couldn't drive. I honestly thought I never would.

Fast forward to three years ago and I had just had my second child, I realised that driving would make my life so much easier so I cautiously thought about giving it a try. Eventually I bought a car and figured I would just have to take the plunge.

I was so incredibly anxious for about the first year, I used to literally shake and have the runs on days I needed to drive, even after the driving part of the day was over. It was pretty crippling. But I kept going, I forced myself to do it at least every other day but kept my goals small - the local supermarket, the kids nursery and my work were pretty much it. I would park further away and walk to make sure I got a space I felt comfortable with. Parking was and still is a bit point of fear for me.

It has now been three years since I got my car. I still don't love driving and have still never driven on a motorway, but I drive regularly and no longer suffer the anxiety that I did. It has been very gradual though, but I honestly never thought I would ever drive again so this is huge progress for me and I can accept that this may be as good as it gets.

My top tips:
Force yourself to go, every day. You will hate it but I promise it gets easier.

Plan your routes, look at google maps in advance so you know what lane to be in and where the roundabouts and lights are. I still do this when I'm going somewhere new.

Pick three routes you can cope with and stick with those for now. Do them over and over until it becomes second nature. It will, honestly.

Park as far away as you need to to get a space you are ok with. I park at the furthest side of the car park still and it's fine, it really doesn't matter.

Listen to music if it helps, it really helps me feel less anxious.

Make your car your own. I was like you, my DH picked it and I didn't even want to look at it online or pick the colour or anything. I refused to call it 'my' car for ages and ages and never put anything in it at all. Now it's like a skip on wheels but it feels like mine and I'm more comfortable with it.

Finally, you don't have to love it and you don't have to suddenly go on a 500 mile road trip. I barely drive more than 20 miles from my house to be honest, but I do it and I never thought I would. Give yourself time and space to get over little hurdles one at a time.

Sorry that's really long but I hope it helps!

I didn't learn till I was 30 and went through same as you. I even used to get buses to work even though it was massively inconvenient and I had a car on the driveway! After a year of this, I got offered a job I really wanted that I HAD to drive for. An hour each way in rush hour on a massively busy motorway. Took the job and the first week of the drive was hellish. I dreaded it every day. But after a couple of weeks of doing this drive daily, I worried less and less. Then I started to visit clients and do unfamiliar routes, and that got easier, and after about six months I became pretty much like any driver. I think the key was to just drive every single day and to go further and further afield.

It still feels weird to me that I can drive anywhere. I was one of those people who honestly thought I'd never even pass my test and now I'm planning a really long driving holiday across Europe once covid is over!

Mistermagpie, I have had a similar experience to you- a friend of mine had a serious crash in which she sadly died and her dp had life changing injuries. The night before she had been posting on Facebook about being scared to drive and everyone was saying ‘it will be fine, you just need to do it.’