To think that me driving just isnt working

[Iusedtobecarmen]

I posted about my driving anxiety a while ago and how could i become a better driver.
A few months on im no better.
Brief recap.
Late driver(in my 40s).
Learnt and passed in an auto.
Bought a car After passing, a bit on impulse i suppose. Thinking I'd love driving.
Car is in finance for 3 yrs so tied in to it.
I barely use the car and even when i do its short, insignificant trips
I have never been anywhere 'proper'.
I have had the car more than a year.
Its parked outside unused 99% of the time. I bet the neighbours actually wonder who it belongs too !!

I am such an inexperienced driver and am anxious about everything. Getting there. Parking. Getting out out the parking space. Getting back.
Things happening- getting 'stuck'. Having to do a manoevere i find tricky.
I overthink everything. If i can talk myself of a drive then i will.
My anxiety is awful.
I want to love it.
I love my car but its almost like it doesnt belong to me. Theres nothing in it. No personal bits , not even a cloth or packet of chewing gum.
Ive just been on holiday and i didnt have to think of driving. It was bliss.i promised myself id drive when i got back. I havent.

Yesterday i could have done with popping out but i avoided.
Today i thought i may have to drive dc to school as weather bad. It interuppted my sleep.
Luckily weather was okay and we walked.
Then i hate myself for avoiding.

To help myself i had refresher lessons a while ago. I self medicate with Rescue remedy and propanalol.
I have had a course of CBT. Therapist was great and it all made sense but difficult to put into practice. She talked of avoidance etc ..she has given me the tools, but i cant use them.
I saw Gp who said could possibly start me on a low dose of sertraline but to continue with CBT.
I did enquire about further lessons in my own car but not possible to do in my car due to covid. Only option was instructors car.
I found a great course but it was 250 pounds. Cant really afford it,but wont be possible now due to the new lockdown.

I guess through all these ramblings what should i do?
Am i a liability going out when i feel like this ? People say practice, but is it really ok to go out there and practice when im so unsure?
I live in a bit city too so always busy.
Only quiet time is Sunday a.m super early.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel

The thing is, if the rational part of my brain thought I wouldn’t be safe, I would indeed stop trying. But the rational part of my brain knows that as a cautious middle aged lady who is not going to speed, do risky overtaking to show off, talk on my mobile, drive when tired or otherwise impaired, and who several instructors and an examiner thought was fine, I am probably not actually an egregious danger to the public. It’s the IRRATIONAL part of my brain that freaks out.

I mean, if you think about it, driving is inherently risky. There's just so much variation in terms of drivers (their moods/emotional state, levels of patience and arrogance, distractions in the car, familiarity with the area etc.), road and weather conditions, etc.

And really it's the inconsiderate and dangerous behaviour of other drivers that scares me... Not that I never make mistakes, but I am very cautious and don't take risks. I think this is true of many anxious drivers.

@nowImmeagain

No i wasbt criticitsing the suggestion of practicing in an empty car park.its something i do , though not often enough. Im okay when it's deserted.though. i just panic under pressure.
I must get out th ere and practice manoevres and parking as my biggest fear is being jn a situation that i cant handle. And this is another reason i hate going out in car. Every time i go out i feel im 'risking it' again. Risking encountering a tricky situation.
The past few days i have had awful anxiety . It may be hormonal and thats probably one aspect, but the overwhelming reason must be the driving.i wake up thinking about it the minute i open my eyes.

Yeaterday i had to drive
Just to take one dc to an activity. I thought about it all day.
Plus i also made myself drive to a shop. Not a big shop so no carpark. I could have parked outside but that would have meant reversing out into the road . So i parked around the corner. Part of me hates myself for this. The other half accepts my limitations . I have a teeny tiny car though,.i should be able to park anywhere!!

I agree with the poster who said a longer drive may be better. The short journies are just filled with anxiety from start to finish. I cannot wait to get home. The thing is a longer drive makes me panic too.
The only time i dont mind a long drive is a weekend v. Early.

Today i dont need to drive but feel i should. Yesterday i think my driving was crap.
When i went to the shop my parking(in a side street) was really wide.

When i took dc out i had to come back on a busy road . I needed to then turn right at traffic lights . Then i had to wait in middle of the to turn to a side road. I hate this. I always feel unless there are the actual turning boxes with arrows that i am in the wrong position. I felt i was blocking the road. No one beeped me , so maybe not. But i hated it.
A few days ago i picked up dc from school and i parked again on a.side street where i have parked before and felt comfortable. This day it was wide again. Tried to correct and it was worse. So i pulled off and tried elsewhere. That was slightly better but ni not great
Its like theres no pattern. Some days a simple route is okay , others its not.
Thats why doing the same route over doesnt seem any better!! I still panic (to various degrees).

@Iusedtobecarmen

Today i dont need to drive but feel i should. Yesterday i think my driving was crap. When i went to the shop my parking(in a side street) was really wide.

When i took dc out i had to come back on a busy road . I needed to then turn right at traffic lights . Then i had to wait in middle of the to turn to a side road. I hate this. I always feel unless there are the actual turning boxes with arrows that i am in the wrong position. I felt i was blocking the road. No one beeped me , so maybe not. But i hated it.
A few days ago i picked up dc from school and i parked again on a.side street where i have parked before and felt comfortable. This day it was wide again. Tried to correct and it was worse. So i pulled off and tried elsewhere. That was slightly better but ni not great
Its like theres no pattern. Some days a simple route is okay , others its not.
Thats why doing the same route over doesnt seem any better!! I still panic (to various degrees).

This is sad to read as you are berating yourself for things that didn't even go wrong. Worried you are not in the correct position to turn, but nothing untoward happened, yet you are still putting yourself down for it.

As I've said previously, we all have days of things going wrong. Even people who have driven for ages.

Im sitting here thinking how much bloody time and energy this is taking. I used to sit and read a book . Now im posting on mumsnet, googling videos of driving, the highway code etc. Its all consuming. I dont have anyone i can discuss with in RL. This makes it harder.

I need a proper plan now. Ive had enough. When i got the car i planned to be confident driving by xmas. Another zmas is looming and im only marginally better. All the school holiday and missed opportunities to take dc places. I know we had lockdown but ive still wasted so much bloody time !!

Do i go down the route step by step suggested by a previous poster
Whereby i do a short journey every day etc until i move to the next stage . However,if i follow this plan what do i do about shopping which will involve me going off my plan etc? Is it that prescriptive??
I really want to go to a different supermarket to do my shopping other than the tesco which i only go to for convenience. Do i just brave it one day. Or do i do the build up and exposure technique previously suggested.

lemon
I know. I feel like i stand out with a big sign on my car saying learner.

If you can do a big trip, go for it. Then for the rest of the week, go back to the step by step plan. The plan is just there to keep up the frequency of the exposure to driving. You might find also that after one big drive you can adjust the daily exposure to something a bit further along. The plan is there to support where you are at, its not there to be rigidly stuck to even if your personal anxiety levels have shifted alot. The daily - ness of it is the only thing that is set in stone.

@seatoski

Thanks.
So today i don't need to use the car. (Cue massive relief) so do i just drive round the block maybe?
I think i can skip first part of your plan as im ok sitting in the car. Sometimes id sit and have my CBT session by phone in the car !!

So the point of a plan is to help you push through your anxiety. Write a list of which parts of driving make you most want to not drive iyswim. Be really honest and split it up into the key parts. So reverse parking, parallel parking, being judged, road positioning, etc etc

Then take a week to work on each item. So reverse parking week 1. Every day you drive to a big parking area that you know will be empty and pick a spot miles from anywhere but with lines and reverse park into it 50 times, then drive home
Week 2. Do the same, but each time you have parked, get out and walk around how you positioned the car between the lines and find one thing you dod well and one thing you could do better. Write it on a little note pad you keep in the car. At the end of the week review the notepad, you might find you are getting better!
Week 3 Do the same but try and find somewhere where you can practice next to one parked car.
Week 4 Do the same but try between 2 parked cars

Then for the other problems, try and use my scaffold to build a scaffold for yourself. I will suggest that for the worried about being judged, you will need to find someone supportive IRL to sit in the passenger seat while you drive. Week 1 would be only supportive comments, pointing out all the things you are doing well. Week 2 the same with a slightly more challenging route, week three pointing out things that you could have made a different choice over (not necessarily a better one) and the graduation week for this issue should be a week of ridiculous heckling, enough to make you both laugh

Anxiety is a problem that crossed all boundaries, it can crop up for the craziest of issues, but for the sufferer it is very real. The only way to ‘get over’ it is to face it head on and go through it. Exposure therapy (which is this weekly plan I am suggesting) only works if you use it to face the core of what makes you anxious and you repeat it daily until you retrain you brain to not get anxious when it used to. It does work, but it will be scary and you have to grit your teeth and just do it.

My DS who I have watched fight his way through crippling anxiety says its a bit like running towards someone trying to shoot you. All your senses are saying Nooo run away, go hide, you want to vomit or think you might faint. But if you keep running towards it you get close enough to realise it isnt actually bullets its kids playing with nerf guns and its actually a fun game and you can play too. If you dont keep running, you never find out and are always worried someone might start randomly shooting you and become worried about more and more things, the anxiety grows and takes over more and more of your life. And all the time it was just kids playing a fun game that you could play too.

Wow. That was a long post. I hope you find something useful in here for you

Haven’t really read the forum but I could have written exactly what amusedbush has. It took me from the age of 17 to 21, on-and-off, to pass my driving test, mainly because of anxiety. I would cry sometimes about driving lessons and lose sleep over them. After about 5 failed attempts - I passed in a manual car with a few minors. I dreaded going anywhere and told myself I will only drive in my town and familiar places and go by train/coach long distances.

I eventually had enough of commuting 20 miles one way by bus which was often early (meaning I’d have to leave the house earlier just in case it departed early) and rush home after finishing to get the last bus home to find there was no seating available. I decided to push myself and drive different places, even if it was busy. I felt so stressed out and wondered why I was doing this to myself especially through rush hour traffic but one day, I finally felt ok doing it. I didn’t panic as much as I once did. I finally love driving and the freedom it brings me. I could never be without my car now. All my friends and my partner said commented how my driving has improved so much.

I have over 12,000 a year. I’ve had no accidents and I don’t really worry about driving anywhere anymore. I’m still hesitant at very busy roundabouts but we all have our weaknesses.

All I can recommend is, push yourself and get out there with your driving. Start slow and gradually push yourself. You will end up getting used to it and might even like it. Good luck!

Small not slow! Oops

@SeaToSki
It makes perfect sense. are you a counsellor?
The only issue(and I'm not making excuses honest).
To practice parking I'd have to go only weekends early or v.v early weekdays but issue there is dh leaves early for work and dc are still in bed.
I live on the outskirts of a big city and honestly its a nightmare. Its never quiet.
Even my street. There are work premises and shops. I have literally gone out to work at 545am and there are cars going up and down.
I always think it must be bliss to learn to drive jn a quiet town or village. At least you get your confidence up before busier roads and situations.
Im dubious about lockdown. The roads may be quieter a bit but schools are open and people are still going to work , so j expect only a little change. Plus last time the supermarkets by me were hell. Even the faraway space were taken.

Well I would set a plan that involves practicing parking every day that you practically can, and then doing something else on the other days. So your plan becomes a week day challenge and then a weekend challenge and each of them scaffolds appropriately.

Its kind of you to ask if I am a counsellor. I am not, but have been in many sessions with wonderful counsellors where my son has been helped with his anxieties, some of it must have rubbed off on me!

Oh OP, I feel for you! I passed my driving test aged 19 after 12 lessons when my instructor got a cancellation and said we may as well treat it as a practice test. I ended up in the middle of a traffic jam as it was the last market day before Christmas and we didn’t have time to go through all the moves properly. I’m convinced I would have failed otherwise. I had a near miss at a roundabout soon after and didn’t drive again for 15 years. I then did hypnotherapy (useless) and had refresher lessons - one with a ‘disco’ driving instructor who took me out for country drives round the New Forest at 8am while he worked off his hangover and enjoyed the view, and one who said there was nothing wrong with my driving and she couldn’t teach me anything else. I then got a job which came with a fancy company car, so I booked more lessons with a woman who took me on a short test drive and at the end of it said, “you can’t do roundabouts. That’s all that’s wrong with you.” And then she made me do roundabouts every day for the next few weeks!

It was terrifying getting into the company car to drive it home via the motorway. I shook pretty much the whole way home! But I did it, and all of a sudden everything got easier, and within about 2 weeks I was pretty much ‘fluent’ at driving. It is very much a case of practice. In your head you know how to drive. It’s a matter of confidence. If you are able, go out for half an hour early in the morning or late in the evening when it’s not too busy and take uncomfortable routes - right turns, roundabouts, and slip roads. Don’t worry about other drivers. You’ll get the odd dickhead but most of us are ok!

I dont have anyone who can come with me that i can trust not to comment or judge. And now with the lockdown its impossible anyway.
DH is out of the question
Up until recently i have done nothing but discuss driving. Now i totally downplay it as its got embarrassing.
So suddenly asking him to come with me after a year 'of driving' sounds odd. Well odd to me. He wouldn't care ,but it would crush what bit of self confidence ive got.

Another issue ive got(yes there are many) us setting my alarm weekends is odd too. As i moan all week that im tired and then i get up 6am sunday to drive.
I cant even pretend im going shopping in a sunday!! It sounds silly but even drawing attention to my driving anxiety to dh upsets me and ive known him for years. It's easier with a stranger.

How is it going OP? Something occurred to me reading your posts, which my yoga teacher says - Take Up Your Space In The World.

You and your car have just as much right to be on any particular bit of road as anyone else.

Just thought I would share, hope it is encouraging.

I just wanted to check in since this has dropped out of my ‘threads I’m on.’
I have made progress...without giving a full report I just want to say that Seatoski’s advice to just sit in the car has been extremely helpful. Retraining my brain so my heart doesn’t start pounding the moment I unlock the car door has made such a difference. I haven’t made a formal plan (though I still might, working back from where I want to be next year) but I have tried to sit in the car on days when I don’t go anywhere and it is making me see the car as a bit of a haven. It makes it easier on days when I have to actually drive it.

I have twice managed to take the cat to the vet on my own. It is past the dcs’ school so I now feel like I could offer them a lift to school if they oversleep.