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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeding child guests

112 replies

Bowbells7 · 01/11/2020 17:05

AIBU about feeding our of our kids friends? She lives a couple of miles away and. used to come round on a Saturday morning as she went to the same dance class as our daughter.
They would play all afternoon then her mum would pick her up around teatime.
Then her mum started to come later and later, not until 9 some nights so I'd end up feeding the friend as well when we ate or ordering more takeaway if we had one.
This was becoming a regular thing so she'd have lunch and dinner with us, and then her mum started dropping her off on a sunday as well.
I'd never let someone go hungry but sometimes I'd be making something that I only had the exact amount of like chicken kiev so would sometimes just make her beans on toast and feel guilty. It would annoy me that she'd visit another kid in the street but always come back to ours at mealtimes as the other girls mother never fed her.
Her parents aren't hard up as far as I know so I feel miffed about having to feed her for most of the weekend and we aren't exactly flushed.
The lockdown has put paid to this but I don't want things to go the same ways when normal life resumes.

OP posts:
Zofloratheexplora · 01/11/2020 17:09

  1. stop having her around

  2. phone mum the minute she is late and tell her to collect her. Lie if you have to that you're going out.

  3. invoice for the food when she is collected

Meowza74 · 01/11/2020 17:10

Tell her mum she needs to be picked up by 4pm.

katy1213 · 01/11/2020 17:10

Why don't you just say something? "Time to go home now. We're having dinner." And make it clear to her mother when she is expected to pick her up. As for feeding her after she's visited another kid - you don't let her in! CFs walk all over doormats! That's what you're there for.

Jeezoh · 01/11/2020 17:11

Don’t have her around unless it’s prearranged and confirm a pick up time that suits you. If she’s just turning up with her, explain it’s not a good time and don’t take her in. You’re letting yourself be a doormat!

AmandaHoldensLips · 01/11/2020 17:14

How old is she?

Craiglang · 01/11/2020 17:17

It depends entirely on how old she is. 7, YABU. Talk to her mother, ask that she's collected promptly and say you're busy on Sundays for the foreseeable. If she's 14, YANBU. She needs to be told to go home.

Original poster
Bowbells7 · 01/11/2020 17:17

She's 11. Her mum literally dumps her off and drives away. My daughter likes having her round as the go to different schools so the only meet on weekends.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 01/11/2020 17:22

Where is the Mother going that she is dumping her Child all weekend ?

Original poster
Bowbells7 · 01/11/2020 17:25

No idea! I don't really know her apart from saying hello outside the class.

OP posts:
AllsortsofAwkward · 01/11/2020 17:25

Why are you allowing this contact the mother and explain that she needs collect her at meal times

AmandaHoldensLips · 01/11/2020 17:25

That's a difficult one. If you have the mum's number or can catch her before she drives off, I'd ask her to make proper arrangements with you about visiting.

Tell her that it's a bit awkward at family meal times when her daughter is still there and that she should be picked up and taken home in good time before that.

If the girl can get home under her own steam, then she needs to be told it's time to go home now.

But it's the mum's responsibility and that's pretty shit parenting.

CalmdownJanet · 01/11/2020 17:26

Well if she playing with other kids and not yours and knocked at mealtimes I'd say "x isn't coming out" and just not ask her in.

When she comes on a Saturday I'd tell her she needs to be gone by dinner time. Has she a mobile that she can text her mother or if not you text her, just say "After 6 doesn't suit us on Saturday evenings so if you could collect x before, thanks"

Thurlow · 01/11/2020 17:27

Why are you just taking this and not having a conversation with the mum about what she's doing?!

kowari · 01/11/2020 17:34

Tricky with that age as they start to come and go from friends' houses, rather than an organised visit to play (pre Covid). Could you get your DD to ask to visit her friend's house on alternate weeks somehow? Or have an excuse that you all need to go somewhere on a Saturday afternoon?

I would share food with the child though, such as two thirds of a chicken Kiev and extra something else each so there is enough, unless you can't afford it of course.

mbosnz · 01/11/2020 17:34

I had certain of my girl's friends, that I'd collar them before they did their trademark dump and run (you have to be quick), and say, 'I'm off out at 4.30pm, you need to be here on the dot of 4.00 to pick her up, and I'm not feeding her.

These parents are abdicating their responsibility to actively ensure their child's safety and supervise her, and to provide for her by feeding her. That is not okay.

Alternatively, she's 11. You could load her into your car, drive her home, and drop her off.

BreakfastOfWaffles · 01/11/2020 17:36

Lockdown is the perfect opportunity to not resume this, or to resume on your terms. You could suggest alternating between your house and hers on Saturdays, starting with hers as you have hosted up until now.

MarcelineMissouri · 01/11/2020 17:39

Eh? Her mum just started dropping her off on sundays as well??

Saturdays I can just about understand how that’s happened (but 9 is a ridiculously late pick up time) but what’s going on with Sunday? Just say no!

StanfordPines · 01/11/2020 17:40

So the child isn’t coming to yours to play as such, the mum is just dumping her and then going? This isn’t an arranged play date?

Lockdown is the perfect excuse but if a lone child turns up on the doorstep what can you do?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 01/11/2020 17:41

Tell the cheeky fucker mother that you are not unpaid childcare and she can dump her kid somewhere else at the weekends.

Do you have her contact details? Tell her BEFORE she brings her round.
If your DD genuinely likes this girl and wants to see her, limit it to set times on a set day. Not every weekend.
Ie. Yes, she can come round 10-1 and must go home for lunch etc

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 01/11/2020 17:42

Surely you have a contact number for her?

Just text her and say 'lovely to see XX - just to let you know I need her to be picked up by 4pm today - thank you!'
next time:
"Early warning, I can't do tea today, so could you collect her at 4.10, please?'
"If XX comes home after dancing tomorrow, and wants to stay til later, can you send her with £xx so that she can choose what she wants - we're having a takeaway"
"Could you do me a favour and have DD at yours this afternoon after dance? I need to go out. I would really appreciate it!"

MoonJelly · 01/11/2020 17:44

Before the end of lockdown, send a note round saying you won't be able to have her on Sundays, and suggesting that the girls go to theirs on at least every other Saturday afternoon. Say that in any event on Saturdays her child needs to be picked up by 4. If the kid turns up on a Sunday and/or isn't gone by 4 on Saturdays, get her parents' phone number off her and pester them until it is sorted. If there are any excuses, say that the arrangement just isn't working any more and will have to come to an end.

Sara2000 · 01/11/2020 17:44

We had something similar and solved it by only having the child between meal times and sending her home just before meal times.

RedskyAtnight · 01/11/2020 17:44

Like others I've no idea why you've let it carry on like this.

However, the child is 11, not 6 and as others have said it's quite normal at that age for the DC to make their own arrangements and just move between houses.

It is perfectly acceptable to say to an 11 year old that you are about to have dinner and they will have to go home now (and can come back after the meal if they so wish). Which is exactly what the parent of the other girl in your street is doing. The 11 year old can then go home (unless the 2 miles is along the motorway or something) or ring for her mother to pick her up. As you've got into the routine of feeding her, I'd suggest getting DD to let her friend know in advance that she can't stay for meals. And possibly that she can't stay after x time if you'd prefer she left earlier.

MonClareDevole · 01/11/2020 17:45

Fucking hell that’s shit parenting. And you say she’s started doing it on a Sunday as well? I wonder what she’s up to.
If she’s being dropped off, get the mums number, arrange a time for collection and call her at 5 mins late. It’s never acceptable to expect someone to have your child until 9pm without warning.
If you don’t have much contact with the mum, then I’m assuming the child had a mobile so her mum can check in her. Ask the child to call her mum for you to speak to.

HollowTalk · 01/11/2020 17:52

She's not a guest, though. You haven't invited her to your house; she's just turned up.

Her mum is really taking the piss. It's outrageous that she should turn up so late that you have to feed her as well. Tbh I wouldn't want the girl in the house if her mum was like that.