Feeding child guests

[Bowbells7]

AIBU about feeding our of our kids friends? She lives a couple of miles away and. used to come round on a Saturday morning as she went to the same dance class as our daughter.
They would play all afternoon then her mum would pick her up around teatime.
Then her mum started to come later and later, not until 9 some nights so I'd end up feeding the friend as well when we ate or ordering more takeaway if we had one.
This was becoming a regular thing so she'd have lunch and dinner with us, and then her mum started dropping her off on a sunday as well.
I'd never let someone go hungry but sometimes I'd be making something that I only had the exact amount of like chicken kiev so would sometimes just make her beans on toast and feel guilty. It would annoy me that she'd visit another kid in the street but always come back to ours at mealtimes as the other girls mother never fed her.
Her parents aren't hard up as far as I know so I feel miffed about having to feed her for most of the weekend and we aren't exactly flushed.
The lockdown has put paid to this but I don't want things to go the same ways when normal life resumes.

I'm not going to let it happen any more but I wondered if I was being the unreasonable one not wanting to share nearly every weekend with someone elses kid 🙄

I had this some years ago, a mother leaving her child with me for hours so I had to feed it.

Eventually they both ended up moving in with us for several months to escape the horrific domestic violence they were being subjected to, including starvation. The father used to buy food for himself and lock it in his car. 🤬

I kick myself for not having found out what was happening sooner, but they were very secretive about it.

I'm not saying that's what's happening here of course, but things aren't always what they appear to be on the surface.

Please everyone, keep a quiet look out for cases like this.

You’re obviously NBU. Put your foot down and tell her her daughter can’t spend every single weekend at your house anymore, it’s such shit parenting. Poor kid.

When I was a kid I had to phone my friends and my friends would have ask their parents if it's okay for me to go to their house for the evening etc. And vice versa.

@Lebranic

I have this issue too. DS15 constantly has his friend over and I feed him at least 3 meals plus lots of snacks every week. I don't have the mum's number but I found her on Facebook and was going to send a snotty message as my DS has never been invited there, we even had this friend having his birthday sleepover (with 2 others) here as his mum said no! However now I'm glad I didn't as it's not the end of the world to stretch some dinners and my ds is happy and they have a nice friendship.

You held a birthday party for a kid whose parents you dont know after the parents explicitly told them 'no'?

Thats some major overstepping - its perfectly reasonable to not allow sleepovers or to only allow very specific people to sleep over or to not want to host sleep overs especially with teenagers - its hardly neglect and not remotely what OP is facing

How do you get from a mid-teen coming over to hang out (under their own power, where you CHOSE to invite them in and feed them when they could go out and you should just say 'go home' when its dinner time) to then deciding to deliberately go against their parents wishes without even knowing/talking to the parents?

@KeyLimePies

Please don't kick your dd's friend out with a "it's time to go, we're having our tea now". I remember that happening to me when I was 8 and it still smarts when I remember it in my 50's.

I had food allergies and an illness (so NEVER got invited to dinner anywhere) and my family had an open kitchen 'eat when you are hungary' thing (my food issue meant I rarely ate full meals and snacked more instead) instead of pre-set meal so I would often be playing with friends when they where called for 'family dinner' and I was often told to bugger off and come back in an hour... I'm not remotely scarred by it - if you are 50 years later you may want to explore your issues because its not normal.

it was oddly other kids (the ones who had family dinners) that would always come begging snacks and stuff of my mam so kids asking for food is zero sign they 'arent being fed' either - children can act just like cats that will go eat at a dozen different houses, dont feed others children without permission it could be dangerous for parents to not know what they are eating or how often.

OPs case is that that a child is being left with her as an explicit childminder where she is being forced into a duty of care... if a teenager or child old enough to be wandering around without supervision shows up randomly at your door its not remotely the same and they should just be sent back away if its inconveniant and you have no duty to feed them.

@Bowbells7

I'm not going to let it happen any more but I wondered if I was being the unreasonable one not wanting to share nearly every weekend with someone elses kid 🙄

So. If posters here had told you that yes, it was perfectly normal and that you should want to share nearly every weekend with someone else's kid, you would agree to it?

I get gauging opinions but you really are coming across as a bit wet, sorry. You're the adult, you know what you want, take steps to action it.

OP you sound like a nice person... good luck watering down this Momster repeat offender 🌺

If she's 11 cant you just send her on the bus home? Or walk home ?

Tell her its not convenient today?

Or just don't answer the door?

Assuming you're in England, isn't the new lockdown the opportunity to knock it on the head?
Call the Mother, if you like add in that you're concerned about the increasing frequency that the daughter is turning up at your home, but make it clear that she is not welcome in the coming lockdown.
If you break the habit for a month, then take care to not let tings escalate once things are relaxed, it should be OK?.

Bowbells - no you are not.