Feeding child guests

[Bowbells7]

AIBU about feeding our of our kids friends? She lives a couple of miles away and. used to come round on a Saturday morning as she went to the same dance class as our daughter.
They would play all afternoon then her mum would pick her up around teatime.
Then her mum started to come later and later, not until 9 some nights so I'd end up feeding the friend as well when we ate or ordering more takeaway if we had one.
This was becoming a regular thing so she'd have lunch and dinner with us, and then her mum started dropping her off on a sunday as well.
I'd never let someone go hungry but sometimes I'd be making something that I only had the exact amount of like chicken kiev so would sometimes just make her beans on toast and feel guilty. It would annoy me that she'd visit another kid in the street but always come back to ours at mealtimes as the other girls mother never fed her.
Her parents aren't hard up as far as I know so I feel miffed about having to feed her for most of the weekend and we aren't exactly flushed.
The lockdown has put paid to this but I don't want things to go the same ways when normal life resumes.

I’d also agree that at that age it’s the children making the arrangements.

What does your daughter think? Is she asking her over?

I used to feed all my son's friends and never gave it a thought. I suppose it would be difficult if you were going to do something out of the freezer such as chicken kiev; I think I would just cook something else. Roast dinners and pasta dishes can usually be stretched.

Surely at that age the girl has a phone. Tell her to immediately phone her mum to be collected as you're going out.

And tell her all visits need to be checked with you in future.

Shes doing it because your letting her. Simple.

Blimey, she's really taking the piss.
Just be straight with her & tell her she needs to collect her daughter earlier.
Surely the arrangement can't carry on after this weekend anyway?

Our friends daughter started doing that to her mum, dumping kids and running, weird hours for pick ups, she had loads of money cash, we thought she must be on the game, turned out she was not but her boss was doing something illegal in his own time using his companies property and equipment while she assisted him. So perhaps this mum had a second hush hush job.

Tell her not to drop her off anymore... she’s taking the utter piss out of you.

So perhaps this mum had a second hush hush job.

I can think of many reasons.. this was not one of them .. but your right... and cash in hand perhaps... 🌺

Why does your daughter never go to their house?

You need to pull on your big girl pants and be really firm when lockdown is over. Say from now on she can't stay late every Saturday and can't come every Sunday and you'd like them to reciprocate your DD going to theirs.

@Fredelliottisayfredelliott

Shes doing it because your letting her. Simple.

I agree

Tell the mum the girls will be taking it in turns to go to each other's houses and you'd be letting her know your daughter's dietary requirements...

This is absolutely bizarre.

You’ve gained another child for whole weekends, you don’t want her there, and it’s perfectly within your power to put a stop to it by saying no.

But you haven’t. Instead you’ve just watched almost as a bystander while this woman and her child take the piss out of you to ever increasing degrees.

Grow a spine, woman.

Either tell the mum she needs picking up at 4, or that you will drop her home and does she have a key. And tell child herself that you are busy on Sunday so she won't be able to come over.

I would not encourage this friendship. Otherwise speak to the mum and say that she needs to provide her dd with a packed lunch and collect her before your teatime. Make sure she is aware that Sunday is your family time so you will not be having her dd over.

If you have any child protection concerns report to social services.

Before you do anything please talk to the little girl! My DD2 had a best friend like this. Different schools, only saw each other on weekends and only at my house. Her mother would drop her off on Friday night and I would take her back home on Sunday evening.
Mother was always unreachable during the weekend. Said her cell phone didn't work. One weekend I stood my ground. Called the mother and left a message NOT to bring her Friday as I was ill.
At midnight on Friday the girl called us, crying, begging to be picked up because she was scared to be home alone. Mother had just left her alone in the house and gone as usual to her boyfriends' place for the weekend. ( She couldn't take her daughter because the boyfriend's teenage son was legally prohibited from contact with underage girls. Red Flag!)
From then on for the next four years she spent almost every weekend with my family.
Couldn't you just have frozen pizza on weekends and give her a safe place to stay?

It's something that's got worse very gradually. I've asked if our daughter can go over there but her mum always says she has to take one of her other kids somewhere.
I'm going to have to get tough and say no.

@GeorgiaGirl52 you don’t know the circumstances, the mum may just be a CF, it’s not fair to guilt trip OP in this way. OP should talk to the mum, I agree (not the dd).

I don’t think you’re going to have to worry with lockdown looming.
Just phone the mum and ask what time she is being collected as you hadn’t planned a play date (or what they call it at that age).

Wow! So you don’t have a way of contacting her mother?

Fgs grow a spine. Get the mothers number. Text her saying the weekend arrangements need to change and from now on she needs to text you to check with you first if it’s ok to drop her DD off and that pickup time must be 4pm. Ask for her address too so you can (worst case) take her back yourself.

Fgs OP you’re being walked all over and it’s ridiculous.

When did the Sunday drop off become a thing? I can understand the Saturday after dance class, but I would definitely be contacting the child's mother and saying she had to be collected at 4pm, no later. As for Sundays, just say no, it's family time. The other mum is probably having a lovely relaxing weekend and saving a good chunk of money, while you are her unpaid childminder.

Call social services and report a child being abandoned- she won’t do it again.

It's something that's got worse very gradually. I've asked if our daughter can go over there but her mum always says she has to take one of her other kids somewhere.
I'm going to have to get tough and say no.

Yip she's At IT OP ... time to say Nope 🌺

Have you asked the child about her home life? I'd try and establish if there are other signs of neglect and report and explain your bizarre scenario to the child protection officer at her school (you should be able to get the details from the school office).

Its not just about food its neglect combined with cheeky fuckery. Poor kid, someone needs to look out for her welfare - but its not your responsibility and if social services get involved they can find out to what extent her mother/parents are shitty parenting and see if she needs help.

You said she used to come around on Saturday morning as she went to the same dance class as your DD, Does she still attend dance class or is that now closed but she still comes around. I was wondering if maybe her parents couldn't afford to feed her, but if they can afford dance class or are now saving this money and also paying for petrol to bring and pick her back up over two days its questionable. Are the parents working or chilling or just can't cope.You are obviously a very nice person but being taken for granted. Stay as sweet as you are when you ask the mother whats going on.

I've asked if our daughter can go over there but her mum always says she has to take one of her other kids somewhere.

And that affects 2 11 year olds being there because ...?