Feeding child guests

[Bowbells7]

AIBU about feeding our of our kids friends? She lives a couple of miles away and. used to come round on a Saturday morning as she went to the same dance class as our daughter.
They would play all afternoon then her mum would pick her up around teatime.
Then her mum started to come later and later, not until 9 some nights so I'd end up feeding the friend as well when we ate or ordering more takeaway if we had one.
This was becoming a regular thing so she'd have lunch and dinner with us, and then her mum started dropping her off on a sunday as well.
I'd never let someone go hungry but sometimes I'd be making something that I only had the exact amount of like chicken kiev so would sometimes just make her beans on toast and feel guilty. It would annoy me that she'd visit another kid in the street but always come back to ours at mealtimes as the other girls mother never fed her.
Her parents aren't hard up as far as I know so I feel miffed about having to feed her for most of the weekend and we aren't exactly flushed.
The lockdown has put paid to this but I don't want things to go the same ways when normal life resumes.

Why are you having her child all weekend whilst she has a great child free weekend.

Is there a reason why you can't take her home? Like at 4pm on a Saturday and 2pm on a Sunday. If DD likes playing with her this is fair enough I think. But make sure she gets a good lunch both days in case she's not being cared for properly at home.

Lockdown is an ideal time to break the habit. She won’t be able to come around now and post lockdown if she turns up, you can say ‘sorry it’s not convenient’.

Surely your DD can say, we’re having dinner now or at 6pm and wait for her friend to contact her mum.

As an 11yr old I had friends in my local area that you’d call for. When it came to meals you just left. Sometimes the family would invite you but you’d have to check with your parents first. Does this child not check with her parents first? Does the parent thank you ? Sounds very rude.

No dance class now but she's still dropped off. I can contact her mother on messenger. It started with her not being at dance class one saturday so daughter asked if she could come round on sunday instead. They took that to mean every sunday. They're not poor, they have a large house with ponies and ducks 🙄

That's cheeky and rude but OP....I could not be giving my family chicken and her beans....I'd have to cut one in half and serve my DD and her half each!

Horses and ducks

Is the mother spending all weekend doing horsey stuff that DD isn't interested in?

I'd definitely be having words with the girl to figure out what is going on at home. But be mindful that neglect and abuse can happen in any house.

OP message the mother now and let her know after lockdown your weekend routine will be changing and if the DC want to hang out you will drop your dad to her house. Strong boundaries from here on out OP.

Oh don’t do that. “You know that thing you did eight months ago, it pissed me off”

She missed her chance from last time. Time to put the foot down is when it starts again.

If she knocks at mealtimes:
"Sorry, Amy's having her tea and can't come out. You're welcome to wait in the living room for us to finish".

@FortunesFave

That's cheeky and rude but OP....I could not be giving my family chicken and her beans....I'd have to cut one in half and serve my DD and her half each!

Yes, the struck me too. I think I would have to serve everybody beans on toast!

What do you think you should do, OP? Is your daughter happy to have her there so much? Would you normally be doing things with your daughter in that time?

I'd be tempted to just be out - all of you - when they arrive without notice.

Never I know right! And being forced to do that would probably be enough to make me put my foot down and put an end to the visits.

Last night we had unexpected visitors and I had a curry in the slow cooker...4 chicken thighs were in there. I immediately offered for the couple to have dinner with us and was thinking that I would just cut all the pieces of chicken up and make extra rice and naan!

Dont answer the door if you can't tell her.

Send her a message that it's too much to have another child the whole weekend and you want family time so can she please only drop her child off when you offer a direct invite from now on.

I don't want her here so much even though she's company for dd. In more normal times there are places we want to go at the weekend so we often end up taking her friend as well.
On the weekends she hasn't been round it's because her family have taken her to London for shopping or suchlike but they've never invited dd along.
I'm going to take the advice to grow a pair and say no unless it's a prearranged visit.

Well, at least you don’t have a waif and stray kid. A little girl who’s friends with dd2 (9) pops over after school on a Wednesday and Thursday. She stays for tea. She’s left to her own devices after school. She’s told me before she makes her own dinner (chicken nuggets and chips) she gets a pasta meal and jacket potato at ours. Don’t see mum at all, dad will come to collect her but in most I have to send her home. I won’t comment on her older brothers that she’s being left with 🤦🏼‍♀️ Nice little girl, she’s well behaved, but poor bloody kid.

I wouldn't mind that much but it sounds more like she is using you as a free babysitter. Not acceptable, try to discuss it with the mother if possible, if all else fails you may have to tell the girl she can't come over as much.

Definitely stop this. This isCF not a neglected child.
You set play dates to suit you
Is it stopping your dd having other friends over?

I wouldn't like this at all, and would put a stop to most of it eg the coming over on Sunday, staying late into Saturday evening etc.
But I would fist check with your DD to see whether she is actually encouraging/inviting the child, such that she and her mother don't think they are doing anything wrong. If there is the slightest thought that she might be doing this, you need to be quite clear to the mother at drop off that you want her collected at 6 (or, obviously, whatever time suits you!).

Why are there so many doormats on this website.

Say no to unagreed pick up times on Saturday, say 4pm and call/message/harass if they are late. Say no to Sundays

Reclaim your weekends and stop being free childcare

Well, with new lockdown rules problem solved OP, you're officially not allowed to mix households.

Why would you think this is normal?

Why would you allow a stranger use your home as a childcare facility?

Why would you allow yourself to be an unpaid childminder?

What is going on with YOU OP that YOU have so little respect for yourself and your home to be used like this.

Are you afraid/intimidated by this woman?

It is just unfathomable that anyone would allow their family life to be so impacted by some woman just dropping a child outside their door and driving off.

I know I am being harsh OP, but have you any idea how dim and how little this mother thinks of you to behave like this?

She thinks you are beyond dim.

Contact her before the weekend and tell her that if she is finding it so difficult to mind her child that you are happy to contact social services to see if they can provide assistance.
Tell her it is not acceptable to be dropping a child off and driving away.
It is a child protection issue and you feel obligated to reported it.
Tell her that you have kept a note of EXACTLY how much time the child is at yours and you would like to help her get support as she is obviously struggling.

CF.🙄

I'm sorry but why do you let it happen?

You make it sound like you dont have a choice here but really you are allowing it... just clearly say 'sorry she has to be picked up by X o'clock' and 'sorry but we have plans on sundays that doesnt work for us'.

If they show up and its not agreed dont let them in, if she doesnt show up to pick up her child on time (10 minutes late is fine or a one off emergancy is fine but if she just doesnt show up crazy late without resonable explination or is late repetatively) then simply say 'sorry I can't do this any more since you cant hold up your end of the deal'.

Its not your child and its not your responsability to look after or feed her - if the mother is insane and just abandons the child on your doorstep (sounds crazy but I have heard it happen) then report her for abandonment/neglect (probably best to have written communication that you are no longer taking the child).