Feeding child guests

[Bowbells7]

AIBU about feeding our of our kids friends? She lives a couple of miles away and. used to come round on a Saturday morning as she went to the same dance class as our daughter.
They would play all afternoon then her mum would pick her up around teatime.
Then her mum started to come later and later, not until 9 some nights so I'd end up feeding the friend as well when we ate or ordering more takeaway if we had one.
This was becoming a regular thing so she'd have lunch and dinner with us, and then her mum started dropping her off on a sunday as well.
I'd never let someone go hungry but sometimes I'd be making something that I only had the exact amount of like chicken kiev so would sometimes just make her beans on toast and feel guilty. It would annoy me that she'd visit another kid in the street but always come back to ours at mealtimes as the other girls mother never fed her.
Her parents aren't hard up as far as I know so I feel miffed about having to feed her for most of the weekend and we aren't exactly flushed.
The lockdown has put paid to this but I don't want things to go the same ways when normal life resumes.

I have this issue too. DS15 constantly has his friend over and I feed him at least 3 meals plus lots of snacks every week. I don't have the mum's number but I found her on Facebook and was going to send a snotty message as my DS has never been invited there, we even had this friend having his birthday sleepover (with 2 others) here as his mum said no!
However now I'm glad I didn't as it's not the end of the world to stretch some dinners and my ds is happy and they have a nice friendship.

I had the cheeky mother fuckery too last year. My dd best friends mother asked me to take her daughter and sister to mines after school twice a week, I agreed as she and husband finished at 5. Then it was every bloody day. I finished work at 3 for a reason,so I can pick my daughters up at school time. I was having to work part time to also watch her kids while she works full time. Then she Bragg’s about holidays and new bloody cars. In the end I told her to get a feckin childminder!!!

Good on you @Strawberryplum ! What did she say?

Please don't kick your dd's friend out with a "it's time to go, we're having our tea now". I remember that happening to me when I was 8 and it still smarts when I remember it in my 50's.

@KeyLimePies but surely that was your parents fault for not picking you up before tea?

@Cadent, I had a very chaotic childhood involving severe neglect. I felt like shit anyway even at that young age. Of course it's the parents fault (I only had one parent by that age). My point is don't take it out on the child. You don't know what's going on in their life.

Age 11 as in primary school? The mother is negligent.

However, you do need to call your daughter into a room and say “it’s time for x to go home now, tell her to ring her mum” when it’s time for her to go. If you’re being all bright and breezy “oh DS is x staying for dinner?” then they will just say “yes please”.

A further option - ask the mother if everything is ok as you are noticing her child is spending an awful lot of time with you and being picked up very late. She’ll either be mortified or she might tell you there’s a problem and then you can decide if you want to help in a more planned manner...

@KeyLimePies I’m that case, I agree. So sorry about your childhood.

I think I'd be asking some very gentle questions about this girls home life, you might be the only bit of "normality" she has. Not that that makes it any easier for you but it might help you decide how you deal with it going forward.

She would visit another friend but come round to yours at lunch, then go back to that friends and back for tea?

If we have friends round, we feed them, but we always agree what time people are staying til when they arrive. If a parent is dropping and running, who is organising the visit? Surely the mother isn’t jut dropping the child off unannounced? And why on earth wouldn’t you ask the mother when she turns up at 9pm what the hell she is doing turning up so late?

All sounds weird to me.

She's a cheeky fucker- and she's taking you as a mug, don't put up with it, tell her she needs to pick up at X time as you've got plans

Are you not able to afford to cook for her? Couldn’t you just cut up the Kiev’s and add some bread and butter or a tin of beans. This poor child sounds like her mother is neglecting her, maybe giving her a safe place to play and a decent meal isn’t such a bad thing? Unless you are generally irritated by her or you have a limited food budget I’d be tempted to just suck it up.

Have you any reason to think she’s not being fed at home? I had a friend like this from the age of twelve up, I bumped into her recently and she said our house was the only place she ever got fed. I remember being annoyed about it as an older teenager, but I’m glad my Mum and Dad always had a sandwich for her!

Why does an adult come onto MN to moan and yet appears to have not spoken to mother of said child that she has been feeding all weekend and often to 9 pm at night.....

Woman up and tell her it doesn't work anymore!

Honestly how did you become such a doormat. The mums done a number on you
Clearly you’re v hospitable and arrange for dd friend to visit, but it’s crossed the line
The mum is abusing your goodwill and relies upon your inability to challenge her

Stop the visits
Get an approximate Total of what you’ve spend, inform mum what it is tell her you want it paid and set a date within a week

I always wonder with these threads why these kinds of parents even bother having kids. They clearly don't like them, they don't want to pay for them, or feed them. They are happy to neglect them.

Nevermind telling the mother to get her act together, I'd be calling social services to let them know a child is being ignored by their parent and dropped off at yours every day with no warning or acknowledgement and that they aren't being fed at home. Maybe a stop by from them might get the mothers act together.

From then on for the next four years she spent almost every weekend with my family.
Couldn't you just have frozen pizza on weekends and give her a safe place to stay?

So your solution for a child being neglected is frozen pizza, not the usual route of social services or any type of safeguarding authority. What was happening to that kid the nights she wasn't at yours? One upon a time I was that kid and the neglect wasn't just at the weekend.

OP message the mother now and let her know after lockdown your weekend routine will be changing and if the DC want to hang out you will drop your dad to her house. Strong boundaries from here on out OP. Buckle up.

switswooo
After about two months of this, I just told her politely that I can’t look after her two daughters every day as that’s the reason I am part time, too look after my Own kids. That she should consider a child minder. She took it well.

• Dd not dad, unless he wants to go too!

Fucking hell that level of cheeky fuckery would piss me off big time! Time to stop letting this family use you for free childcare/food now OP. Just send her home at mealtimes. She can walk or phone one of her parents to pick her up, whatever it’s not your problem.

What did you say the first time she was late and the first time she turned up on a Sunday?

Difficult one. What do you know about the home life? Is she using your home as a place of safety because the home situation is abusive? Maybe this is the only way she can endure the child is safe and fed over the weekends? It’s interesting that she makes excuses not to have your daughter round. I think she is hiding something.
But she could just be taking you for a ride and abusing your kindness.

Noone can help you here

Tell the mother to stop being a Cf

And stop being a mug

And you've never once had plans or been out on a Saturday or Sunday?

Can't you also tell your DD not to invite the other girl round or say that she is welcome between X and Y times so her mother needs to pick her up by then?