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Original poster

To want to leave my suicidal disabled partner

116 replies

WorldOfSeasons · 01/11/2020 12:51

I got with my OH 7 years ago and we have two children, one being a newborn. OH has never been the most mentally stable person, he's suffered from anxiety and depression on and off since before I met him (also through childhood as well)

For the first few years of our relationship everything was really good but problems started when I was pregnant with my first. I'll not go in to to much detail but their was an accident which left him brain damaged. While he's still him, he's also now very short tempered and suffers multiple seizures. He's lost his independence, had to close his business and give up his driving licence which left him extremely depressed which is understandable.

Now the seizures while obviously scary and unpredictable aren't my issue. It's the temper and feeling like I'm walking on egg shells all of the time. We've had furniture smashed and unprovoked shouting, the kids are to young to understand that it's not his or their fault. I've removed all alcohol from the house because if it's there then he'll drink it behind my back and get so drunk and often threat that he's going to kill him self. We've had one attempted suicide where he took all of his meds but then quickly regretted it and went to the ER.

I'm desperately unhappy with my life, I love my kids and if it wasn't for them I'd have left him a long time ago. He's exhausted all methods to help his anger problem but the only option now is brain surgery to help with the seizures which will hopefully help the behaviour too. I fear that me leaving him will push him over the edge and that he'll kill him self, either that or lose his temper with me. I know it's not his fault and he was never like this before. I'd be burdening his mother with all of this as well, she'd have to quit her job to care for him.

I'm at a loss with what to do really

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 01/11/2020 13:04

It sounds like a very difficult and abusive life for you and the children.

Is the brain surgery that could actually go ahead? What would be the time frame?

What is he like when he is calm? Does he have insight into how bad it is for you?

Leaannb · 01/11/2020 13:04

You need to do whats best for your childrwn. Having your children walking on eggshells and seeing their belongings smashed is not good for them. Send him back to his mom. He is too unstable to be around the kids

dolphinpose · 01/11/2020 13:06

YANBU. I feel for him but I feel more for the children. They need a calm and loving home. I'd get out.

Original poster
WorldOfSeasons · 01/11/2020 13:07

@Chamomileteaplease he's still going through tests to make sure he's eligible but it probably won't be for another year (and that's not considering COVID)

OP posts:
Marshmallow91 · 01/11/2020 13:08

You need professional support in place. Can you go to the gp together and discuss this? As he doesn't necessarily have the area in his brain responsible for regulating his emotions, you could be in danger if he has a loss of control.

He needs the correct medication to subdue him enough, and to limit the seizures if possible.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's horrible. Flowers
But you may never get the man he once was, back. I don't think you'd be unreasonable in any way to leave. You have to remember though that you are not responsible for his actions - you owe your children a safe environment.

You have to let go of the guilt you feel, and do what is right for you and your children. If he threatens to harm himself, then call the police. If he cannot control his emotions it is likely they'll move to section in order to keep him - and you, safe.

JollyAndBright · 01/11/2020 13:08

You need to put your children an yourself first.
As sad as it is he is not your priority your children are and they cannot be raised in this kind of environment.

I would contact anyone who can help (family and professional services) and let them know he is a suicide risk and then leave.

I know how guilty you must feel since it’s not ‘his fault’ but it’s not yours either and you shouldn’t be suffering, and letting your children suffer, because of guilt and a sense of responsibility.

Honeyandapple · 01/11/2020 13:10

I'm desperately unhappy with my life, I love my kids and if it wasn't for them I'd have left him a long time ago.*

I'm so sorry you are in this horrible situation. I am not surprised you feel trapped. But from an outside perspective, I think you should consider it being BETTER for you children if you were to leave.
You are very unhappy and they will pick up on that.

If he plunges further in to depression once you leave, you have to recognise that it is not your fault. He is unwell. But you are not a hostage to his mental health and choices. You need to be happy - it's not just about him.

Yohoheaveho · 01/11/2020 13:11

I'm so sorry OP😞 this is desperately hard and painful💐
If the boot was on the other foot what would you want him to do?

Lockheart · 01/11/2020 13:11

It must be very difficult for him but that does not excuse abuse of his family.

You need to get yourself and your children out of this environment. It is no way for them (or you) to live.

Regardless of whether there is a chance for him to improve or not, you don't have to subject yourself to having your house smashed up and your children shouted at in the meantime.

Original poster
WorldOfSeasons · 01/11/2020 13:12

@Marshmallow91 his seizures are medication resistant unfortunately. The ones he's on have made them less regular but nothing has stopped them. His only other option is the surgery which wouldn't be for another year

OP posts:
Oly4 · 01/11/2020 13:12

You can’t let your kids grow up like this. I feel sorry for you and for him.
But you and your kids only get one life and you can’t live like this

PickAChew · 01/11/2020 13:12

It will be better for your children not to be exposed to his temper, whether or not he has control over it.

BlueThistles · 01/11/2020 13:12

LEAVE 🌺

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 01/11/2020 13:14

This is such a sad situation I really feel for you all

But you have to leave you have to protect your children

That’s what you have to keep in mind I’m putting my children first and that you should never feel guilt for

But of course there will be guilt but there will be far more when you see your children become withdrawn and a shel off themselves they need a secure safe environment and that can not be achieved in your home now

Original poster
WorldOfSeasons · 01/11/2020 13:14

@Yohoheaveho I've thought about that before and I'd definitely rather he leave me for the kids sake but I just don't think he's going to see it like that. I've briefly mentioned him leaving before and every time it's ended in him going on like he's going to kill himself.

It's probably worth mentioning that we already have a lot of healthcare professionals involved including the crisis team but every time he's been assessed they still class him as low risk

OP posts:
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 01/11/2020 13:14

You say you can't leave because of the kids but why is them witnessing (hearing, picking up on the aftermath) their dad being violent and quick to anger a better environment for them than in a calm, safe home with you separate to him?

Yohoheaveho · 01/11/2020 13:14

If this man was your son what would you do?

Sometimesonly · 01/11/2020 13:15

That's a truly awful situation to be in and I hope you are in contact with brain injury specialists who can understand you. Please don't feel like you have to stay or that people will judge for leaving. You need to do what is best for you and the children.

Spindelina · 01/11/2020 13:16

I agree with WTAS about keeping you and your DC safe. But as well as that: have you had specialist neuropsychology input? If not, it would be good if someone (you, his mum) could push for that.

Yohoheaveho · 01/11/2020 13:17

[quote WorldOfSeasons]@Yohoheaveho I've thought about that before and I'd definitely rather he leave me for the kids sake but I just don't think he's going to see it like that. I've briefly mentioned him leaving before and every time it's ended in him going on like he's going to kill himself.

It's probably worth mentioning that we already have a lot of healthcare professionals involved including the crisis team but every time he's been assessed they still class him as low risk [/quote]
I suppose the harsh truth is that he no longer has thethe 'brain power' to have enough insight, to empathize with you etc and this is all linked in with his reduced ability to control his emotions to censor himself etc
Very hard for you 😞

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 01/11/2020 13:17

Threatening suicide as a tool to get you stay is manipulative and emotional abuse. If he chose to carry it out that's his choice to make. Please speak to his health care team and people like Women's Aid who can help talk you through what your options are.

Mischance · 01/11/2020 13:18

Has he had an assessment from a neuropsychologist? I worked with a brain injury service and a neuropsychologist can do some very subtle tests to find which bits of his brain are causing his problems, and suggest strategies for getting around these. The frontal lobe effects of injury do include problems with temper control, and many other problems.

There may be a brain injury service in your area who could help. Try googling it.

Headway is good: www.headway.org.uk/ They are the national brain injury association. They have lots of info; and also local activities and support.

It might be worth looking into these things as they may alleviate the situation a bit, or simply be of help to him. But if the right decision in the end is for you and the children to part company with your OH, then do not feel guilty. Your OH has changed - not through his fault - but changed nevertheless; and you are now living with a different person who is not able to function well as a partner or parent.

Couples splitting up was not unusual amongst the brain-injured people I worked with; and both sides needed lots of support.

I do hope that you are able to find a way of resolving this. But be assured there are people out there who understand the problems and are there to offer support.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/11/2020 13:19

Even if thr behaviour isn't exactly his fault, you still have to protect yourself and your dc from being abused.

I grew up in a house where everyone walked on eggshells around my father because of his temper and it was very damaging.

Allthegoodnamesweretakenalread · 01/11/2020 13:20

What a horrible situation. I grew up in a similar situation. My father had a brain tumor which changed his personality. I only knew him as a disabled man with a very short fuse. I was terrified of him. He would shout at us a lot and could be violent on occasion. In all honesty I mainly felt relief when he died.

I think if you can leave you should.

Hope things improve for you whatever you decide x

Original poster
WorldOfSeasons · 01/11/2020 13:23

@Spindelina yes he's involved with neuropsychology specialists but all they've done is refer him to talking therapies which haven't worked. When he gets angry it's like a switch flick, one minute he's fine the next he's slamming doors. When asked after he's always upset and doesn't know why he reacted like that. He's fine 90% of the time.

I know that ultimately leaving him is what I need to do for my children. I've been putting it off hoping something will help, a change of medication or therapy will help but nothing has unfortunately

OP posts:
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