To want to leave my suicidal disabled partner

[WorldOfSeasons]

I got with my OH 7 years ago and we have two children, one being a newborn. OH has never been the most mentally stable person, he's suffered from anxiety and depression on and off since before I met him (also through childhood as well)

For the first few years of our relationship everything was really good but problems started when I was pregnant with my first. I'll not go in to to much detail but their was an accident which left him brain damaged. While he's still him, he's also now very short tempered and suffers multiple seizures. He's lost his independence, had to close his business and give up his driving licence which left him extremely depressed which is understandable.

Now the seizures while obviously scary and unpredictable aren't my issue. It's the temper and feeling like I'm walking on egg shells all of the time. We've had furniture smashed and unprovoked shouting, the kids are to young to understand that it's not his or their fault. I've removed all alcohol from the house because if it's there then he'll drink it behind my back and get so drunk and often threat that he's going to kill him self. We've had one attempted suicide where he took all of his meds but then quickly regretted it and went to the ER.

I'm desperately unhappy with my life, I love my kids and if it wasn't for them I'd have left him a long time ago. He's exhausted all methods to help his anger problem but the only option now is brain surgery to help with the seizures which will hopefully help the behaviour too. I fear that me leaving him will push him over the edge and that he'll kill him self, either that or lose his temper with me. I know it's not his fault and he was never like this before. I'd be burdening his mother with all of this as well, she'd have to quit her job to care for him.

I'm at a loss with what to do really

@justasking111 oh that's absolutely awful. I think that's one of the things I'm scared of. Although he's never been violent towards anyone it is always in the back of my mind that he doesn't seem to have any control over his actions so I'd be dumb to rule anything like that out

If that was my son and those were my grandchildren, then I would be doing what was necessary to keep my grandchildren safe. Children come first. I would have my son to live with me and see if access to the grandchildren could be facilitated (obviously not in lockdown). However I am speaking from the position where I have no husband or partner to consider. Honestly, I would have him stay with me in a heartbeat to keep them safe.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think I would almost be thinking the opposite to you. You say you haven't left because of the children. The children are what would make me leave. If it was just me in your position, I'd take the risk and stay (on the assumptions that you love your husband and this isn't his fault). But with children in the equation, no, I would have to leave. It's desperately sad but I don't think you have a choice.

Leaving him physically doesn't mean you have to cut off all support and care for him though. You can let him know that you still love him and want to be there for him but can't risk being physically together as a family in the same house.

I like this idea if you think it would work for you:
Can you live separately but still be a couple? Is that feasible? Calmly explain to him that his behaviour (which is not his fault) makes it unsafe for him to live with the children for now. But you can still spend time together as a family and you can still support him at arms length? Or does that just muddy the waters in a way he maybe wouldn't be able to process

It doesn't matter what disabilities someone has, if they are abusive you should not have to put up with it.

This.

Seeing as a lot of serial killers/ murdered have some sort of brain damage I would be leaving just in case.

I would leave. For the children's wellbeing

You must leave, to make the best life you can for yourself and your children. Your duty to yourself is greater than your duty to him.

I am shocked at just how many people are saying, just discard a person who is suffering like this, as in, let someone else do the caring.There maybe some medical help at a later date, to help this persons problems

Later on, if he stays angry and aggressive (even if he is not hitting anyone), safeguarding may get involved as they recognise that sometimes brain injured persons can be a risk to their children even if they are great in many ways.

OP I feel for you so much, I know myself the impact of right side frontal lobe injury- it can change personality, emotion, and make the person behave differently, what is even worse is that often a lot of them is left, so you are not sure what's them and what's the injury.

Ultimately you are the parent and will have to look after your children and that's the bottom line which you already know, but it's incredibly hard. Surgery may not fix it, it's a roll of the dice and by that time, the children will be even more aware than they already are that daddy, whilst lovely, is also a shouty scary person. You poor thing- I think getting help for yourself support, therapy is one way forward as well as deciding what to do for the future (which it sounds like you already know).

What a dreadful situation to find yourself in, OP.

I can see why the thought of leaving him would make you fearful and feel guilty BUT, just like every parent, you really do need to put your children first and it sounds like what is best for them is not to grow up in such a volatile environment.

Could you speak to his Mum and let her know how bad things are? Is she the type to be supportive of you distancing for the sake of the children?

Sometimes the best option really doesn't feel like a good option at all, does it?

Your first priority should be the kids. If he was himself, he would know that. With the hope of a surgical fix looming in the distance, what about a stop-gap solution. He needs to live separately from you and the children, but you set up a predictable supervised visitation routine. You are still a family, but living in one household isn’t the right choice at the moment. If things improve, you can reintegrate. If they don’t, you can make the separation more formal (opening up your dating prospects, but I suspect you are in no rush for that given all you have on your plate).

@Yohoheaveho

If this man was your son what would you do?

Based on the thread advice, leave him to look after the other one?

What the @mobilesite said.

I really feel for you but your husband , no matter how harshly life has treated him, is an adult and you are his wife not his mother. Are there any support groups for those with brain injuries who cant talk to if you haven't already? MN can be great but sometimes only those who have gone through these things have true insight and suggestions on practical help. Good luck seems too glib a phrase to use, but I hope things get better for you.

OP this an awful situation for you and for him as well. None of this is his fault (or yours for that matter) and I feel so sad for you both.

I think if I were you I’d be suggesting living separately, talk to him and say if surgery works and the children would be safe then you could live together again afterwards.

You can still be a family and not live together. He can still see the children and you can still care for him. But you’d get a break from him and be safe.

In time, he will get used to the situation and if in 12 months the surgery doesn’t work or even if it does and you are happier apart, it makes leaving officially much much easier for you both.

Soften the blow by explaining it could be a temporary situation.

Would he be open to the discussion? Is he aware that he’s a danger to the kids? It must be heart breaking for him but hopefully as almost any caring parent would, he would agree it’s for the best. Good luck xx

Hi. I sympathise and have been my husband's carer for nearly 30 years so have some understanding. My neighbour had surgery for seizures, it was some years ago and I think was a fairly new procedure at the time. Within a few months the seizures had gone, he was driving and back at work so I think there is hope. Would it be possible to live separately but not completely end the relationship and give it a bit of time to see what happens? It is tough and I think it is hard to really understand if you haven't lived it.

OP,

Your husband has had a serious brain injury that's changed his personality. I'm sorry to say he is very unlikely to go back to how he was.

Sounds like he has frontal lobe damage, which causes impulsivity, inhibition etc. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frontal_lobe_disorder
In the same circumstances I would leave. ITs very sad what has happened, but you need to deal with the reality of the situation. It's so stressful living with the threat of violence, your children deserve a home that feels safe to grow up in.

Call it a separation to give you some space.

Lots of people have poor behaviour because of pain, injuries, or mistreatment earlier in life. But your kids come first.

I'm thinking separate houses too... or at least a separate space he can go when he's in a temper, away from the kids (granny annex?).

Is he self-aware enough during a temper episode that he can remove himself from the family for the duration? How long do they last?

I'm so sorry for your situation, what an incredible strain when you love someone and things become so difficult through no fault of his or yours.

It sounds like it would be best if he left the family home. Is it possible for you to persuade him to give you some space, at least until the operation is done, and continue having supervised regular access to the kids?

Is there some family nearby who could help by offering him a place to stay until he has the operation?

Perhaps this doesnt have to be the end of your relationship as maybe the operation could improve things, you may be able to stay amicable but perhaps not together.

For sure, you and your kids should not have to live with his unpredictable temper, imagine growing up with that - it will be awful for them. Surely he has to see that, and if he loves them he should leave them. Very tough. Good luck xx

I think you should leave and not beat yourself up with guilt. It sounds like the right thing to do for yourself and your kids. Is there any kind of support you can access for him and his mum or for yourself? It is a really difficult situation and so unfair on everyone, but to stay in the same situation as you are now can't be the answer.

The poor sod

@Wyntersdiary

Seeing as a lot of serial killers/ murdered have some sort of brain damage I would be leaving just in case.

🙄

YANBU. You and your children deserve better. You do not have to accept abuse regardless of the cause.

You only get one life and your kids only get the one childhood.
Don't think about it any longer, you know the best thing is to leave. Do it. And good luck, you won't regret it.

That sounds incredibly hard.
Could you leave him - as in live apart with the kids - but still keep a relationship with him, if you still love him. So explain to him that you're removing the kids to protect their emotional wellbeing, but you're not completely abandoning him? (If you feel that you still want to be in relationship with him.)
Have you tried getting support from headway.org?

This is a terrible situation and there are no winners here.

However your kids are stuck in this hell, it’ll be messing them up and they need a better home life than this.

You do need to move out, take the kids with you and if you’re able to, support this man from afar

If you can’t do that, then that’s ok. You don’t owe anything, and certainly not your life and happiness and that of your kids too.

You’re miserable

Your kids are miserable and frightened and they’re powerless to do anything about any of it. Only you can help them, it’s your job to make sure they’re as safe and looked after and happy as they can be.