To want to leave my suicidal disabled partner

[WorldOfSeasons]

I got with my OH 7 years ago and we have two children, one being a newborn. OH has never been the most mentally stable person, he's suffered from anxiety and depression on and off since before I met him (also through childhood as well)

For the first few years of our relationship everything was really good but problems started when I was pregnant with my first. I'll not go in to to much detail but their was an accident which left him brain damaged. While he's still him, he's also now very short tempered and suffers multiple seizures. He's lost his independence, had to close his business and give up his driving licence which left him extremely depressed which is understandable.

Now the seizures while obviously scary and unpredictable aren't my issue. It's the temper and feeling like I'm walking on egg shells all of the time. We've had furniture smashed and unprovoked shouting, the kids are to young to understand that it's not his or their fault. I've removed all alcohol from the house because if it's there then he'll drink it behind my back and get so drunk and often threat that he's going to kill him self. We've had one attempted suicide where he took all of his meds but then quickly regretted it and went to the ER.

I'm desperately unhappy with my life, I love my kids and if it wasn't for them I'd have left him a long time ago. He's exhausted all methods to help his anger problem but the only option now is brain surgery to help with the seizures which will hopefully help the behaviour too. I fear that me leaving him will push him over the edge and that he'll kill him self, either that or lose his temper with me. I know it's not his fault and he was never like this before. I'd be burdening his mother with all of this as well, she'd have to quit her job to care for him.

I'm at a loss with what to do really

I’ve not read the full thread but in my opinion @WorldOfSeasons you can make this a simpler question. It’s not what you should do for you anymore. It’s what you should do for your children.

What’s best for them. What’s the right thing for their future. You know this answer. It’s about them not you or your DH.

It's probably worth mentioning that we already have a lot of healthcare professionals involved including the crisis team but every time he's been assessed they still class him as low risk

This really stood out to me. Do you have any idea why they feel he is low risk?

Leave him. But leave him in good hands. Make sure someone can look after him and get him some mental help.
And then it is up to him
But do leave him. This is no life. And your kids should be spared this

I think you should leave. It may not be his fault that he is like this, but he is still like this, and it will be affecting your children. They (and you) deserve to be happy and not walking on eggshells all the time.

I know someone who over the course of a couple of years became very violent to his family. Turned out he had a brain tumour coming on. It was not exactly his fault that he became so violent - but his wife should have left him earlier than she did, and certainly before the kids were affected in the way that they were.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP. I am so sorry that this has happened to you all. xx

@Leaannb

You need to do whats best for your childrwn. Having your children walking on eggshells and seeing their belongings smashed is not good for them. Send him back to his mom. He is too unstable to be around the kids

100%

I had to leave my DH because his autism and anxiety were not compatible with living in a busy house with multiple DCs, he was having awful angry outbursts that sound a lot like your DH's . It was really hard, because I did and do love the man underneath.

However - I didnt realise how tense we all were until he moved out. It's still really hard,but at least my kids aren't hearing him smash a wardrobe, and he is actually happier and much calmer too, and able to be a much better dad when he does see them.

It's probably worth mentioning that we already have a lot of healthcare professionals involved including the crisis team but every time he's been assessed they still class him as low risk

They probably think he's low risk because he's at home with you to care for him. It gives them the excuse they need to do nothing and palm it off onto you. If you leave, I very much suspect he'll be classed as a higher risk and they'll have to do something.

@Feedingthebirds1

It's probably worth mentioning that we already have a lot of healthcare professionals involved including the crisis team but every time he's been assessed they still class him as low risk

They probably think he's low risk because he's at home with you to care for him. It gives them the excuse they need to do nothing and palm it off onto you. If you leave, I very much suspect he'll be classed as a higher risk and they'll have to do something.

I agree, I think that in this case low-risk is code for 'not our problem'

Is he on keppra btw? That causes terrible anger problems.

This really needs to be escalated to get you and your DH the help you both need. Leaving him won’t make this problem go away. You might get some temporary respite but getting him better is the best hope you and your children have for stress free life. I’ve lived with an adult with severe mental illness and the stress and worry is utterly exhausting. Get some respite care however you can. You’re his carer and you really need it.

I think it's sad that almost every poster on her has told you to "leave for the children".

Even if you didnt have children this would be bad.

You have to leave for you.

@Aridane

The poor sod

And poor OP and her kids, more to the point.

Unfortunately many people like this won't meet a threshold for service provision. If his frontal temporal lobe is damaged then I don't see how surgery will charge his behaviour unless his aggression is during the post seizure time. It's interesting that the neuropsychologist feels he needs talking therapy, suggesting he has the cognitive ability to process this. Professionally I am involved with a man who has frontal lobe damage, he has awful anger management and is violent towards people and property. He is still considered to have capacity around his decision making and has been imprisoned due to the violence. My point is that I suspect your dh is considered capable of independence and able to make choices around how he lives. I would leave as living like this will mess up yours and your children's life.

Yes, @HappenedForAReisling - that’s what the whole thread is about. Compassion can be extended to the poor man.

It's very sad and not your husbands fault but the children must come first.

Are you in the UK?

Can you get access to respite through social services? Or a carer in the day so you can spend time 1-1 with your children. Have you tried changing your DHs diet to help with seizures? This isn't to be used without treatment but can be found to help. Medical cannabis is an option but hard to get a prescription. Is he taking any mood stabilisers? Do you have a behavioural support plan? If not this is something care services should be able to help with.

You may need to discuss with DH the effects his behaviour has on you many times using different methods before he understands but I wouldn't give him hope that if you leave it is not permanent as he would have to adjust twice.

If the surgery is for deep brain stimulation device then this has been found to help with depression too.

I cannot tell you whether to leave him or not. I work in a brain injury unit and can see the effects it has on families and understand how hard it can be. I get to go home and have a day off when you can't. However, I have also seen how people can improve with the right support and care plans in place.