To want to leave my suicidal disabled partner

[WorldOfSeasons]

I got with my OH 7 years ago and we have two children, one being a newborn. OH has never been the most mentally stable person, he's suffered from anxiety and depression on and off since before I met him (also through childhood as well)

For the first few years of our relationship everything was really good but problems started when I was pregnant with my first. I'll not go in to to much detail but their was an accident which left him brain damaged. While he's still him, he's also now very short tempered and suffers multiple seizures. He's lost his independence, had to close his business and give up his driving licence which left him extremely depressed which is understandable.

Now the seizures while obviously scary and unpredictable aren't my issue. It's the temper and feeling like I'm walking on egg shells all of the time. We've had furniture smashed and unprovoked shouting, the kids are to young to understand that it's not his or their fault. I've removed all alcohol from the house because if it's there then he'll drink it behind my back and get so drunk and often threat that he's going to kill him self. We've had one attempted suicide where he took all of his meds but then quickly regretted it and went to the ER.

I'm desperately unhappy with my life, I love my kids and if it wasn't for them I'd have left him a long time ago. He's exhausted all methods to help his anger problem but the only option now is brain surgery to help with the seizures which will hopefully help the behaviour too. I fear that me leaving him will push him over the edge and that he'll kill him self, either that or lose his temper with me. I know it's not his fault and he was never like this before. I'd be burdening his mother with all of this as well, she'd have to quit her job to care for him.

I'm at a loss with what to do really

So hard for you. How about he stays with her for this lockdown month and you go from there?

She might agree if she is working from home.

As others have said, I would not expect surgery for his epilepsy to neccesarily improve his anger management issues. The best you would expect is to see improved seizure control. I would base your decisions on his behaviour not his seizures - and it would be very understandable to leave the situation to protect the children and yourself from his anger. I would be particularly concerned about the safety of a newborn with the behaviour you describe, and I wouldn't leave him alone with a young baby.

Surely you wont allow your children to grow up like that? No brainer. The children come first.

@Simarilion he's never ever left alone with the kids. To the point he doesn't even hold our newborn because the seizures are to unpredictable. When he's having one his hands seize and squeeze what ever he's holding

I'm sorry you're facing this with so little support. I think you're right to get yourself and your children some space. Especially as their lives are so disrupted by what is going on in the wider world. Best wishes and strength to you

I am not a medic but I have heard that medical cannabis (cannabid oil) can be used for resistant seizures. I don't know if that would work for your OH, but it's worth asking, if you haven't already.

I don't know what the solution is other than full time care in a facility, where you can visit etc., but I know places are at a premium. Well at least until the surgery can be done.

I am shocked at just how many people are saying, just discard a person who is suffering like this, as in, let someone else do the caring.There maybe some medical help at a later date, to help this persons problems.
Lots of people learn to live in a family where sad and sometimes dire situations happen.

Lots of people learn to live in a family where sad and sometimes dire situations happen.

Yes and how many children suffer lifelong damage for having to witness their father being aggressive. No one thinks this is a nice situation but children don't have the ability to remove themselves from harm. It's not about discarding anyone, the OP can still be involved and offer support. But those children need to be safe in their own home and not be walking on eggshells or have a mother who is.

@1forAll74 so you really think small children should have to live like this? They get no choice in the matter. They have to tolerate whatever situation the grown ups in their life put them in. I am shocked that you can't see what a devastating impact this will have on the future for these innocent kids.

Hi Op what would you say to your best friend or Adult daughter if they were in same situation then?

My advice leave him this is no way to live for yourself and your family in some or lots of ways you and your children are going to be emotionally scared by this situation

It is not selfish to put yourself and your children's needs first.

You have done tried your best to support him, he has got the right kinds of help in place already,and there is a bit of glimmer of hope with brain surgery.
If his mother has to help him extra so be it, she can allways turn to social services for extra help with carers at home or even have assisted independent living help accommodation for him too etc,
Let her know about this.

You can offer emotional support towards husband on at a distance, on sidelines to protect yourself sanity and your children's emotional well being..
Otherwise your children will think your family dymanics is normal and will when grown up will unfornately unconscious re create this kind of relantships such as dysfunction toxic abusive ones.
Do you really want this to happen in future op

Do you document the seizures and outbursts? It might be worth doing so for a bit to see if there's any triggers that might not always be obvious at first. For example a loud noise prior to his loss of temper or specific time of day.

I would second the idea of remaining together as a couple but living separately for awhile. Perhaps present it in a way that it's for his benefit as well as the children's and be clear to him that you don't blame him. Keep doing things as a family. Try and meet daily for awhile to maintain the contact between him and the children and to give him positive things to look forward to.

@1forAll74

I am shocked at just how many people are saying, just discard a person who is suffering like this, as in, let someone else do the caring.There maybe some medical help at a later date, to help this persons problems. Lots of people learn to live in a family where sad and sometimes dire situations happen.

It's not about discarding someone, it's about OP protecting her children, and herself, from abuse.

It doesn't matter what disabilities someone has, if they are abusive you should not have to put up with it.

You are worth just as much as they are. You do not have to sacrifice yourself and your children at their alter.

If you choose to do so, that's up to you, but you can't make that choice for your children.

Can he have a sensible discussion about it at all? Could you explain to him that it's not OK for the kids to live this and you need to live separately, and would he understand that?

What about them being alone with him - you say he's a good dad but is that safe? Are you planning on having them full time yourself?

I do think you need to change this situation and do what's best for your DC, and yourself too.

Op its really time for you and your children to move with no guilt feelings as you have tried your best, given your best shot at making this desperately difficult family work.
Look after yourself, don't rely on thinking once brain surgery he has will make a huge difference,its a bit of gamble whether it might make a huge difference or only bit, partial difference too
Sorry to say that, but got to be realistic hoping tho like you it will make that such a difference ,but on other hand you may never get back the man you were acctracted to fell in love and wanted to marry
He maybe sadly from now on a distant very dificult stranger..

I know that I couldn live like that and I can guarantee thatvyour children are sick of it too. It the same situation but I had an ex who constantly tries to manipulate me with suicide threats. I got so sick of it and told him I wasn't responsible foe his life or death. He never did do anything, you need to liok at what a life like this is offering you, just sounds awful to me.

Sorry Op I ment desperately difficult family dynamics situation work, time to move on to better you deserve it just like your children do too
Even in near future he has a chance for better with his health is too with brain surgery

@Yohoheaveho

If this man was your son what would you do?

He's not her son .

That would be a ridiculous thought process to use.

As a mother if I had brain damage and it was severely affecting my childrens home life I would want the best for them and if that meant not living with me then that would be the right thing to do.

I think you need to talk to him about living in separate houses, it doesn’t have to necessarily mean ‘it’s over’ but until he is able to have surgery and control his temper you need to protect the kids by him living elsewhere.

It is awful that this is down to a accident but you need to put the children first, growing up with someone who can’t control their anger would be awful for the kids and you.

I'd say he has to go to his mums for a few weeks as it's all too much.
And then that'll give you some breathing space to make hard decisions.

I am shocked at just how many people are saying, just discard a person who is suffering like this, as in, let someone else do the caring.There maybe some medical help at a later date, to help this persons problems.

Nobody's talking about discarding a person though, are they? Please don't be so melodramatic. It is important that the OP thinks of her own (and her children's safety). I don't want to scaremonger but a close family friend was in a similar situation and decided to stay and it did not end well. It is not always possible to support someone with a brain injury at home, especially if they are a lot stronger than you.

Can you record his fits and tempers without him seeing and reacting badly? Maybe if his mum sees she'll feel more inclined to step up and get involved? Even if that's not him living with her.

@dolphinpose

YANBU. I feel for him but I feel more for the children. They need a calm and loving home. I'd get out.

Leave him for now, if the brain surgery works rethink things. Your children cannot live like this.

A friend had a husband with a brain injury thank god there was a lock on the sitting room door and a mobile phone. He went quite mad, she locked herself and the kids in the sitting room called the police. Sadly she did not get the dog in with them her OH stabbed the dog many times, the dog died but my friend and her children lived.

@compulsiveliar2019 yes he has a diary that I usually have to fill out because he never remembers a seizure. There's no trigger or pattern to them.

@ShadyBansheeThing he's never alone with them because the seizures are to unpredictable. He doesn't even hold our baby because of that. He spends a lot of time with our oldest playing etc and preparing meals. They would stay with me full time

I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult situation, it must be very overwhelming to deal with. The children have to come first, regardless of any threats he makes. You need to remember you're not responsible for his decisions and ultimately the welfare of your children is the priority. They can't live like this.