To want to leave my suicidal disabled partner

[WorldOfSeasons]

I got with my OH 7 years ago and we have two children, one being a newborn. OH has never been the most mentally stable person, he's suffered from anxiety and depression on and off since before I met him (also through childhood as well)

For the first few years of our relationship everything was really good but problems started when I was pregnant with my first. I'll not go in to to much detail but their was an accident which left him brain damaged. While he's still him, he's also now very short tempered and suffers multiple seizures. He's lost his independence, had to close his business and give up his driving licence which left him extremely depressed which is understandable.

Now the seizures while obviously scary and unpredictable aren't my issue. It's the temper and feeling like I'm walking on egg shells all of the time. We've had furniture smashed and unprovoked shouting, the kids are to young to understand that it's not his or their fault. I've removed all alcohol from the house because if it's there then he'll drink it behind my back and get so drunk and often threat that he's going to kill him self. We've had one attempted suicide where he took all of his meds but then quickly regretted it and went to the ER.

I'm desperately unhappy with my life, I love my kids and if it wasn't for them I'd have left him a long time ago. He's exhausted all methods to help his anger problem but the only option now is brain surgery to help with the seizures which will hopefully help the behaviour too. I fear that me leaving him will push him over the edge and that he'll kill him self, either that or lose his temper with me. I know it's not his fault and he was never like this before. I'd be burdening his mother with all of this as well, she'd have to quit her job to care for him.

I'm at a loss with what to do really

You can search for local services here: www.brainnav.info/search-home?postcode=&privfunding=&radius=miles&country=

It may be easier for you to leave if you have tapped him into local services beforehand. It may help you feel better about it.

Please remember - none of this is your fault. You can only do your best for your children and for yourself.

Leave. As sad as it is, you can't save his life from being ruined (through no fault of his own) but throwing your life and your children's lives down the drain after him will only compound the tragedy.

If you walk away you will feel shit about it, he will blame you, others will judge you, even your children may judge you, but it is still the lesser of two evils.

Sometimes there is no good option, just two horrible options ☹️.

I think I’d have to leave for the children’s sake. The long term impact of seeing your relationship (and his temper) could affect them deeply if you stay. Is the surgery likely to be offered to him?

Sorry this is so tough and awful, but I think you should leave him.

@Mischance yes he has them involved and he's in the last stages of testing eligibility for the brain surgery. Its his right temporal lobe that's affected and there's been no seizure activity seen elsewhere thankfully. He needs the invasive EEG (not sure what it's called) but the waiting lists are long especially with COVID

This is heartbreaking for both of you. You are in an awful situation which is not going to change; even if your DH has the surgery it isn’t certain that it will improve his anger issues. Your children will be emotionally damaged - and perhaps even physically too if your DH loses control - and should not be brought up in a toxic environment of walking on eggshells/ witnessing extreme anger/smashing up furniture.
Save your children and yourself, OP, and leave. It’s sad for your DH, but it will be even sadder for your children to have their childhood ruined and their future relationships impacted by what is happening, and your first duty is to protect them.

As sad as it is, I would leave on your position OP.

Can you live separately but still be a couple? Is that feasible? Calmly explain to him that his behaviour (which is not his fault) makes it unsafe for him to live with the children for now. But you can still spend time together as a family and you can still support him at arms length? Or does that just muddy the waters in a way he maybe wouldn't be able to process?

Assuming you would want to remain a family obviously, if that's not what you want that is completely fine.

Could he live with his mum for now but not necessarily permanently?

The primary reason I’d live separately is for the safety of the kids. He could be in a rage one day and slam a door with out knowing little fingers are in it, or knock one of them over. But also there is the possibility he could take his rage out on one of the kids on purpose.

They do have to be protected whilst he is being sorted out. It doesn’t necessarily mean the death of your marriage.

Your children’s safety comes before his illness and your guilt

As another poster suggested, get in contact with Headway.

They have a board on the healthunlocked.com/headway site. There will be people who are in your position who may be able to offer advice.

This is absolutely heartbreaking for all of you and there is no good option. 😢
Is there any halfway house situation where you don’t completely split up but you live apart. Maybe he could live with his mum during the week and with you at the weekends. I don’t know if that’s a possibility or not.
If not you do have to put the kids first however difficult that is to do. You are also very important and shouldn’t hesitate to think about what you want.

Leave, for your children. Don't wait in case it gets better; they are being damaged for life, while you hesitate. If your partner gets better, you could review the relationship in the future.

@Yohoheaveho

If this man was your son what would you do?

She would still need to prioritize her other children who are walking on eggshells and growing up in fear.

Living separately is best for OP and the children.

His mum would not have to take him on.

He's an adult with special needs and so provision would have to be made for him.

If it was just you it would be a difficult decision to make but you have two children.

Children must always come first, we have a duty to raise them the best we can, and if they have bad experiences at this time of their lives it will affect them for ever.

I can't see what choice you have but to leave. There are four people in this marriage, four unhappy people, if you leave then there will be three happy people and just one unhappy person.

Quite often it's better to live alone when you have a disability, I am partially disabled and everything was so much easier for me when my husband left.

Oh, OP. You sound like you're a hostage to your husband's condition. I have no doubt you love him but this is no kind of life for you. You sound exhausted.

I know this isn't terribly helpful to your situation, but I hope there's someone in your life who can give you a good proper hug.

It sounds so heartbreaking for you because there is a very strong argument to be made that he literally can't function any other way than lose his temper if it's due to brain damage. It's such a sad situation for both of you.

However, you have a responsibility to your children. Whatever the cause of his temper issues, they are vulnerable and they are at risk of being permanently damaged by being around an angry father. And it really does such profound, long term damage - it will shape all of their future relationships. You really do need to get out for their sakes. It's not your fault that you have to do this and it will be hard but you don't really have a choice. And you deserve to be happy. It's a different story but I left a man who was suicidal and severely depressed. It was more clear cut for me because he refused to get any help over many months, which was a deal breaker to me, plus he just wasn't very nice by the end, which I wasn't going to take from him, but the relief when I walked away and was able to be happy again. It was 100% the right thing and although I don't know that he was really ok and maybe will never be fully ok, he did go on to access some support. And he didn't kill himself. Even if he had, that would have been his responsibility - I wasn't put on this earth to save anyone.

You need to speak to the doctors on the basis of child protection to try to get stuff hurried up or to access more care for him. Is there any way to get this surgery privately that wouldn’t be financially ruinous. Please know, it is not your fault if the worst did happen after you moved out. You only have a window of time with your children to ensure that they grow up feeling safe and secure and your present circumstances are not allowing for this.

@Yohoheaveho
Comparing him to a son is ridiculous.
Your commitment to a child is not compatible to a partner.

OP you have my sympathy.
I left my terminally ill husband.
Don't put up with abuse. No matter the circumstances.

Thanks everyone, I wrote this knowing that I needed to leave him but just needed to hear it what other people thought. He's an amazing Dad and very hands on and involved but I can see that I can't let that cloud his outbursts. I'll plan a time to talk with him. It's just hard knowing that this isn't the person he really is

If he could live with his Mum until after his surgery that would be ideal. She may be willing to help you there because, surely, her grandchildren's lifestyle is important.

You should talk to her about how bad things get sometimes.

Can you somehow get some time out? Respite or can he access respite care?

It’s such a hard situation for you, you are making the right decision. Your children need to grow up in an environment where they feel safe. It is impossible for you to do this without feeling some level of guilt.

Wishing you all the best.

@fabulousathome she knows exactly how bad he is and we've discussed it before. But she's never witnessed it (or any of his seizures) so when I'm talking about it it's as if she thinks I'm exaggerating. I'm going to suggest he leave until he's hopefully more sound minded (and there's no guarantee the surgery will resolve things) but ultimately I think it will break us up