DH into swinging but I don’t want it

[Kaseykahneno1]

My husband of 9 years was into swinging before we met. Last year he asked for us to do it. I initially said no. But I gave in. We downloaded the apps and registered websites. In about 6 months we met 2 couples and 2 singles. Nothing physical ever happened. After every time of nothing happening I always went “phew” and even a couple times beforehand I got drunk hoping it would make me do it and not have feelings. I tried twice during this time to put an end to it but he kept saying he wants this for us and would talk me right back into it. I would say ok to keep the peace. Finally one day I said absolutely no. Never. I have no desire to fool around with anyone and I don’t want to see my husband fooling around with anyone. This made him highly angry and said it’s wrong that I won’t even try it. He keeps saying it’s for us but I can’t bring myself to. He said he doesn’t see how it’s such a big issue. And that it’s unfair to say no without trying. He still brings it up. He’ll text me memes about threesomes. He say “I know what we can do 😉” (examples). And would ask occasionally if it’s still a no. I said to quit asking me. I said no, I’m not gonna be made to do it. But he still brings it up once every couple days or sometimes everyday. It’s starting to get annoying that I don’t desire it and it hurts. I have issues with forced sex from being raped. And he knows about that. But I would never treat him that way if there was something I wanted and he didn’t want it. I’ve thought of either couples therapy to get past this issue or just something for myself. Any advice would be great!

[Heatherjayne1972]

You need to start seeing a divorce lawyer

I’d be worried that dh was going to go with someone else regardless
It would be a no from me

[pelosi]

It’s bad enough that he is trying to coerce you into this but the fact he knows you were raped and is still trying to coerce you makes him even more despicable.

What do you want to do next OP? I can’t see this man changing.

[Wallywobbles]

Zombie Thread

[Vikky89]

I’m in the same situation and I really don’t know what to do

[Vikky89]

@pelosi they will never change I'm afraid

[ThinWomansBrain]

I have issues with forced sex from being raped.
so would most women - and just because your husband wants to sleep around, forcing you to do the same isn't acceptable.
You clearly want different things - move on, you deserve better,

[Vikky89]

@ThinWomansBrain it's easy to say- " move on "

[ThinWomansBrain]

the "something for yourself" should be a divorce lawyer - no amount of counselling is going to make him coercing you into sex with other people OK.

[lifecoachingandotherbollocks]

I think your marriage is doomed, sorry. Your H is at best a cunt, ‘talking you into it’ and pressurising you.

[Flapjak]

He is psychologically abusing you. I would suggest leaving him as he really sounds like he will cheat anyway as HE wants sex with another person

[thepeopleversuswork]

When people say “I want this for us” it is code for: I want it for me but because I am selfish and lack empathy I will present it as being “for us”.

His behaviour is grossly coercive and your marriage is over.

Not only because of the swinging - although that’s an unbridgeable gap - but because he doesn’t respect your right to any autonomy within the marriage.

[Vikky89]

@ThinWomansBrain have you been in this kind of situation?

[icelollycraving]

I think with swinging there is generally one person who is into it, one who does it to please their partner.
He sounds repellant. To pressurise a woman who has rape trauma into further sex against their will is utterly disgusting.

[brokenbiscuitsx]

When he says it's for 'us', he actually means it's for him. Selfish bstard.*

Yep he basically want a legitimate ‘accepted’ way to cheat and shag around.

[PopsicleHustler]

Do you want me to come and beat him up

[Idony]

I can't put into words how creepy and frightening this looks to people in healthy relationships. He's trying to bully you into sexual acts you don't want to partake in. You must try to see how utterly obscene and abhorrent that is. He is not safe to be around.

Make your plan to leave before he escalates. Women's Aid can give helpful advice to get you started.

[Vikky89]

@Idony I wish I could reach foe help , but we no longer live in UK

[Legoisawesome]

Nothing against swinging but everyone has to be consenting. He isn’t respecting you or your boundaries at all and this is a massive red flag! Rare for me to say but this is definitely a ltb situation. Stay safe

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Divorce.

He wants a different life to you and that's fine for you to say 'no'.

But you're not compatible at all.

[averylongtimeago]

This is a zombie thread - I hope the OP is ok though.

[gamerchick]

Ah who dug this up? the OP didn't engage with her thread in the first place.

[ArranMumma]

I think it shows he is very selfish. I would only enjoy something sexually if I knew my partner was enjoying it too. I couldn’t get any pleasure from it if they weren’t! So he knows that swinging wouldn’t turn you on but he’s still pushing for it? I find it really odd and selfish.

[DeepaBeesKit]

Omg this is a clear cut LTB. He is trying to coerce you into something sexual you actively do not want. Walk away.

[gamerchick]

FFS it's an old thread man