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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH into swinging but I don’t want it

127 replies

Kaseykahneno1 · 31/10/2020 17:55

My husband of 9 years was into swinging before we met. Last year he asked for us to do it. I initially said no. But I gave in. We downloaded the apps and registered websites. In about 6 months we met 2 couples and 2 singles. Nothing physical ever happened. After every time of nothing happening I always went “phew” and even a couple times beforehand I got drunk hoping it would make me do it and not have feelings. I tried twice during this time to put an end to it but he kept saying he wants this for us and would talk me right back into it. I would say ok to keep the peace. Finally one day I said absolutely no. Never. I have no desire to fool around with anyone and I don’t want to see my husband fooling around with anyone. This made him highly angry and said it’s wrong that I won’t even try it. He keeps saying it’s for us but I can’t bring myself to. He said he doesn’t see how it’s such a big issue. And that it’s unfair to say no without trying. He still brings it up. He’ll text me memes about threesomes. He say “I know what we can do 😉” (examples). And would ask occasionally if it’s still a no. I said to quit asking me. I said no, I’m not gonna be made to do it. But he still brings it up once every couple days or sometimes everyday. It’s starting to get annoying that I don’t desire it and it hurts. I have issues with forced sex from being raped. And he knows about that. But I would never treat him that way if there was something I wanted and he didn’t want it. I’ve thought of either couples therapy to get past this issue or just something for myself. Any advice would be great!

OP posts:
Landlubber2019 · 31/10/2020 18:46

He isn't going to stop, you need to leave as he is already emotionally damaging you. Get away and get safe Flowers

AntiHop · 31/10/2020 18:46

Well done for standing firm. He is a bully, who cares more about his dick than you.

I would either:
Give him an ultimatum that if he mentions this again, the marriage is over.

Or end the marriage now.

Don't let him bully you into something sexual that you are not wanting to do. That is not acceptable.

ScienceSensibility · 31/10/2020 18:48

God, how sordid. This pressure from him would make me cringe myself inside out with embarrassment for him.

Fuck him off, OP. He can have all the stranger sex he wants without you in tow.

marveloustimeruiningeverything · 31/10/2020 18:48

I honestly couldn't stay with someone who was trying to bully me into having sex with other people so he could.

And to know you've been raped in the past and really have issues with it as a separate issue ... and to still apply such pressure ... wow.

He's an arse. i'd be gone.

Caroncanta · 31/10/2020 18:48

Who the fuck voted you are unreasonable?🙄 Either your dp or a similarly abusive male.
Either way, yanbu op, I couldn't live with that. He sounds dreadful.

LockdownLump · 31/10/2020 18:49

He's a sex pest and is badgering you until you give in.

Its called coercion and its illegal.

LockdownLump · 31/10/2020 18:50

Sorry to sound dramatic, but he is basically brow beating you into a sexual relationship you have categorically told him you do not want.

Get rid of him. You already regret going along with his plan. He has zero respect for you and he certainly does not love you.

Chocolate1984 · 31/10/2020 18:52

People who love or care for you don’t force you to have sex with strangers. You’ve repeatedly told him no. It’s not hard to understand. He is a horrible person. Leave him

Zanina · 31/10/2020 18:52

I think he's trying to pressurise you, and because you're still saying no, he will then use that as an excuse to go to someone else but for you to "allow it" so he can't be blamed. Don't know if that all makes sense? And the fact that he knows you were raped, but still trying to coerce you into doing something you don't want to, just shows his lack of respect for you. Well done for enforcing your boundaries and keep strong. But maybe it is worth getting your ducks in a row in case you part ways... imagine having to explain the reason to divorce in court. He's shameless and he trying to make you engage in his shameful acts. And imagine you take part in it, and he then uses it against you or tells others. Absolute humiliation. He would be a bad influence on your kids too.

Please keep evidence of him pressuring you to do this. You will need it.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 31/10/2020 18:54

He gets angry because you won’t give in to his repeated demands you do something sexual you don’t want. That is a pretty textbook definition of sexual coercion.

SandMason · 31/10/2020 18:55

@commandatori

Jesus Christ, LTB if after you sit down with him and explain that he is pressuring you to do something sexually that you don’t want to do, even when you have trauma around this, and he doesn’t IMMEDIATELY grovel and never mentions it again. I do not usually say LTB but fuck me, this is beyond the pale and says so much about how little he respects your boundaries and right to say no.
^ This. X100
billybagpuss · 31/10/2020 18:56

The only way swinging Is ok is if everyone agrees.

You don’t, he should therefore respect that WITHOUT QUESTION.

He doesn’t he is using bullying tactics, stand firm.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 31/10/2020 18:58

You knew what you were buying at the time but it sounds like now it's time to return him !

DeKraai · 31/10/2020 19:00

He isn't interested in you swinging. What he's actually now wanting is you to be sexually assaulted and/or raped (again). Swinging is consensual. He isn't interested in your consent, or he'd have dropped it by now.

lazyarse123 · 31/10/2020 19:00

@Newfornow

Divorce him tomorrow ! I couldn’t put up with this coercion. It’s wrong wrong wrong if you don’t want to do it. Tell him to go fuck himself.
This. What a prize wanker.
Wishihadanalgorithm · 31/10/2020 19:01

LTB. Nothing else to say.

MissMarplesGlove · 31/10/2020 19:01

Coercive control is against the law. As is rape within marriage.

Your notsoD H is trying to coerce you into sex against your will.

There's a word for that ...

hashbrownsandwich · 31/10/2020 19:05

You need to have a blunt and frank conversation with him.

The ultimatum is basically, if he is that keen on swinging then you are leaving.

BillysMyBunny · 31/10/2020 19:07

YANBU. If you’ve clearly said no then that should be the end of it, it is absolutely not okay for him to be trying to coerce you into sex.

I think you need to be clear that you are absolutely not willing to ‘compromise’ on this (and not should anybody ever have to when it comes to sex acts they don’t want to take part in) and tell him you don’t want him to bring it up again. If swinging is something he sees as necessary to a relationship then he needs to leave to find a partner who would enjoy it rather than trying to coerce an uninterested partner. If after you’ve clearly said it’s never going to happen he continues to bring it up I would absolutely leave him.

TheyreComingToGetYouBarbara · 31/10/2020 19:10

A man who loves and respects you won't try to pressure you into this. Suggesting that you're wrong to not want to "try it" is utter crap. Most people don't want that lifestyle, and there is absolutely nothing strange or wrong with refusing to "try" something you know you have no interest in doing.

I'm sorry, but I can't believe you'll ever be happy with this man. He keeps pestering you even though he knows you're not interested. He has serious issues. I wouldn't put up with it, in your place. He's not worth it.

D4rwin · 31/10/2020 19:23

This was never a good match for you! You need to prioritise your own feelings. He's never going to quit pressuring you. Awful. Please move on from this relationship, before he starts really demolishing your sense of self.

LemonadeFromLemons · 31/10/2020 19:25

I appreciate we MNetters don’t know your relationship so can’t fully advise, but I must say with that level of pressure I think you should leave and not look back. No negotiating, no final chances, he’s crossed a line he can’t uncross.

Melroses · 31/10/2020 19:29

I would be at the solicitors getting my ducks in a row on Monday.

This happened to a friend, and eventually he just went when it suited him, leaving her devastated.

Nottherealslimshady · 31/10/2020 19:30

How does he feel about you doing him up the bum? Start pestering him every day for something he doesn't want to do. If not sex related, then redecorate the house, buy a new car.

I'd actually just divorce him for trying to coerce you into something you dont want but you could also give him a taste of his own medicine.

AbbieLexie · 31/10/2020 19:34

This is abhorrent. @iklboogeymum is spot on.
What are you getting out of this relationship?

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