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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH into swinging but I don’t want it

127 replies

Kaseykahneno1 · 31/10/2020 17:55

My husband of 9 years was into swinging before we met. Last year he asked for us to do it. I initially said no. But I gave in. We downloaded the apps and registered websites. In about 6 months we met 2 couples and 2 singles. Nothing physical ever happened. After every time of nothing happening I always went “phew” and even a couple times beforehand I got drunk hoping it would make me do it and not have feelings. I tried twice during this time to put an end to it but he kept saying he wants this for us and would talk me right back into it. I would say ok to keep the peace. Finally one day I said absolutely no. Never. I have no desire to fool around with anyone and I don’t want to see my husband fooling around with anyone. This made him highly angry and said it’s wrong that I won’t even try it. He keeps saying it’s for us but I can’t bring myself to. He said he doesn’t see how it’s such a big issue. And that it’s unfair to say no without trying. He still brings it up. He’ll text me memes about threesomes. He say “I know what we can do 😉” (examples). And would ask occasionally if it’s still a no. I said to quit asking me. I said no, I’m not gonna be made to do it. But he still brings it up once every couple days or sometimes everyday. It’s starting to get annoying that I don’t desire it and it hurts. I have issues with forced sex from being raped. And he knows about that. But I would never treat him that way if there was something I wanted and he didn’t want it. I’ve thought of either couples therapy to get past this issue or just something for myself. Any advice would be great!

OP posts:
Mollymopple · 31/10/2020 18:19

It is not a compromise over which TV channel you want to watch! This is very serious and would cause you trauma long term. Be firm with boundaries as others have said. This is not a man who is insisting for any relationship reasons it comes from a very very selfish place, especially given your experience. Please realise you deserve better my lovely. Flowers

diddl · 31/10/2020 18:19

So when you decided to gettogether/get married, how did the conversation re swinging go?

scubadive · 31/10/2020 18:23

DIVORCE

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 31/10/2020 18:24

That is absolutely terrible

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 31/10/2020 18:26

@iklboogeymum

Tell him the only threesome you're interested in is one with a solicitor to discuss divorce.
With a Halloween hat and festive lights on. @iklboogeymum has it.

So sorry @Kaseykahneno1, he’s not going to change. Sadly your wishes and even past trauma doesn’t interest him in the slightest as long as he gets his way. Flowers

dottiedodah · 31/10/2020 18:28

I think swinging for most women would probably not be what they want.However to pressure you into something like this having known you had been raped previously is utterly deplorable .I dont say this often on here but I really think you should LTB as soon as possible! He has no respect for your feelings whatsoever .Honestly you would be better off alone than with this sexual bully

Fluffycloudland77 · 31/10/2020 18:28

Oh lord that’s awful, he wouldn’t do that if he loved you. He just wants it for himself it’s got nothing to do with you, your just something to swap Sad like a football card.

CandyLeBonBon · 31/10/2020 18:29

I went through this with an ex. Was initially enthusiastic but then he pushed boundaries beyond what was agreed. He always pushed for more and one time I was so anxious I ended being sick before hand. He still 'encouraged' me to go because it was what 'we' wanted. He instantly trampled over agreed boundaries and crushed my self esteem as a result, then acted all surprised when I was hurt and upset.

It can sound like a fun and adventurous thing to do but ime it rarely stays balanced. Your H is an arsehole for pushing you and my advice is to get out now. He's selfish and is only interested in his own gratification.

TooManyDogsandChildren · 31/10/2020 18:31

Just ugh OP! If this was so important to him it should have been negotiated and agreed before you got married and ideally even before your became serious. Pressuring you now is utterly repugnant.

Nomorepies · 31/10/2020 18:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

BlueThistles · 31/10/2020 18:32

Tell him the only threesome you're interested in is one with a solicitor to discuss divorce.

this 🌺

category12 · 31/10/2020 18:32

Did he tell you he was into swinging and so on before you got married?

GenevaL · 31/10/2020 18:34

Given that you have experienced rape, his pressure to make you do something sexual that you very clearly don’t want to do isn’t a bit out of order, it’s plain disgusting.

hetanom · 31/10/2020 18:35

Easy divorce.

In case you didn't realise OP, this kind of behaviour is NOT NORMAL. This is not the way decent people behave. This is not just a thing decent men do. It's disgusting.

jacks11 · 31/10/2020 18:38

YANBU

You have said no, repeatedly. He must accept that. Also, it’s not “for us”, it’s for him- it would only be for you both/good for your relationship if you BOTH wanted it. As you don’t, being coerced into doing something sexually that you do not want is not going to be good for you. In fact, I would go as far to say that it would be detrimental to your well-being (it would be bad for most people, but particularly so for someone who has been raped). Your husband knows your history and is still pushing. I think your DH does not sound particularly interested in your mental well-being or happiness.

In your shoes, I think you seriously need to take a hard look at your marriage. Is your husband generally respectful of your opinions and wishes? Does he generally consider your feelings? Are you happy? I cannot imagine a relationship where your DH keeps badgering you to take part in sexual activity that you have said you aren’t comfortable with is otherwise wonderful.

If you want to try to work on your marriage, you need to sit him down and have a very serious chat about how his behaviour is causing you distress and that it needs to stop. If he cannot or will not change, I think you need to consider if you still want to be in this relationship. I’m not convinced I would be fighting for this marriage.

Nailgirl · 31/10/2020 18:38

You have told him no. Repeatedly -this is coercive behaviour. Solicitor, police and divorce. This is only way. Cease communication with him.

ArcheryAnnie · 31/10/2020 18:38

There's a word for men who coerce women into having sex that the women don't want.

There is not enough YANBU in the world for you, OP. The idea that someone who is supposed to love you and be your life partner is trying to harrass you into having sex with strangers is just ghastly.

If he wants to shag around (which he clearly does) then he can fuck off and do it himself, and be honest about it, instead of pushing you into it.

I am so, so sorry he's being such a monumental dick to you.

Sakura7 · 31/10/2020 18:39

This is not normal behaviour OP, he is being an absolute dickhead. Do not let him guilt you, the vast majority of women would not be happy with this (and even if they would, it doesn't matter because you're not and that's what matters).

He is being unbelievably selfish and inconsiderate, especially considering your previous trauma. Honestly I think you'd be better off without him.

Lockheart · 31/10/2020 18:39

This is not good OP, he either needs to respect your boundaries or you need to end the relationship (and I'm not one of the LTB at the slightest thing crowd).

Did you know this before you married?

SentientAndCognisant · 31/10/2020 18:40

He’s a boorish and bullying man who’s not interested in your opinion
He thinks if he goes on and on and on that he’ll berate and browbeat you into a threesome
Knowing his proclivities were for swinging you must have expected it to arise sometime? He didn’t conceal it, he obviously just expected you’d acquiesce and give in. Which you partially have done with the two meet ups. If you genuinely don’t want this you need to be explicit, be firm and don’t acquiesce under pressure

Chloemol · 31/10/2020 18:40

YANBU

I think it’s time to be honest. He dies not care about you or your feelings, and only about himself

He knew when you met and married it was not a lifestyle you wanted and to try and coerce you into doing something you dont want to do, having said no is unacceptable

He has a choice, accept your decision and move on, or you split up

NotStayingIn · 31/10/2020 18:42

He is telling you loud and clear that things have changed and he is now only interested in himself and his desires, and no longer in your welfare.

I think having therapy for yourself would be a great idea.

Sally872 · 31/10/2020 18:43

How can any partner enjoy something they know their partner is not fully on board with? He is so selfish and showing you who he is with these actions. I don't think anything you can say will change someone so selfish so if it were me I would leave.

diamondpony80 · 31/10/2020 18:43

Looks like there’s no future for this relationship as either you’ll have to give in (don’t do it) or he’ll have to never get what he wants (which isn’t right either when there are plenty people out there who might want the same things). You’re not compatible unfortunately.

bitheby · 31/10/2020 18:45

I absolutely couldn't live with this. He's trying to wear you down and that isn't consensual. I couldn't bear being in that situation. It must be so draining.

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