DH into swinging but I don’t want it

[Kaseykahneno1]

My husband of 9 years was into swinging before we met. Last year he asked for us to do it. I initially said no. But I gave in. We downloaded the apps and registered websites. In about 6 months we met 2 couples and 2 singles. Nothing physical ever happened. After every time of nothing happening I always went “phew” and even a couple times beforehand I got drunk hoping it would make me do it and not have feelings. I tried twice during this time to put an end to it but he kept saying he wants this for us and would talk me right back into it. I would say ok to keep the peace. Finally one day I said absolutely no. Never. I have no desire to fool around with anyone and I don’t want to see my husband fooling around with anyone. This made him highly angry and said it’s wrong that I won’t even try it. He keeps saying it’s for us but I can’t bring myself to. He said he doesn’t see how it’s such a big issue. And that it’s unfair to say no without trying. He still brings it up. He’ll text me memes about threesomes. He say “I know what we can do 😉” (examples). And would ask occasionally if it’s still a no. I said to quit asking me. I said no, I’m not gonna be made to do it. But he still brings it up once every couple days or sometimes everyday. It’s starting to get annoying that I don’t desire it and it hurts. I have issues with forced sex from being raped. And he knows about that. But I would never treat him that way if there was something I wanted and he didn’t want it. I’ve thought of either couples therapy to get past this issue or just something for myself. Any advice would be great!

how are you OP 🌺

OP He wants to have sex with other women and he wants you to agree to it.
He does not want to be with you exclusively. In my opinion you should have walked away as soon as you found out he is a swinger/adulterer/whatevername youwish to give it

Him pressuring you to agree to sexual acts you are not comfortable with is totally out of order. Knowing that you are a survivor makes his actions even worse.

You will have to consider whether you want to stay in a relationship with him, whether you would do so and allow him to take part in swinging activities or whether you want to kick him to the kerb.

But you definitely don't have to agree to do anything you're not comfortable with for his sexual gratification.

He keeps saying it’s for us
If it's for both of you, what do you get out of it when you have made it clear you don't want to do this?

This level of harassment makes the relationship an abusive one.
He's a selfish wanker who is only interested in what he wants.

My DP and I swing and have a fabulous time. However, if either of us ever showed even ambivalence about it, it would be a straight up no to us ever doing it again.

Your DH is a dick and has no respect for you as a person. No amount of counselling would fix this. LTB

Hope you are ok OP. He has no respect for you. He is bullying you. Please leave him.

@LastInTheQueue

My DP and I swing and have a fabulous time. However, if either of us ever showed even ambivalence about it, it would be a straight up no to us ever doing it again.

Your DH is a dick and has no respect for you as a person. No amount of counselling would fix this. LTB

Rather apt name @LastInTheQueue ?

He is trying to badger you into a sexual experience that you do not want, he knows you have been raped, words fail me.
Please ltb. Xxx

Looks like there’s no future for this relationship as either you’ll have to give in (don’t do it) or he’ll have to never get what he wants (which isn’t right either when there are plenty people out there who might want the same things). You’re not compatible unfortunately.

This is not about them being incompatible. If you want to be a swinger and it's something you can't live without then perhaps don't get married to someone who isn't into it. You don't marry them and then coerce them.

Agree you should divorce him op.

He sounds awful. I couldn’t be married to a man who wanted to be with other women - it’s so misogynistic and disrespectful to you.

LTB.

Youve been raped and he knows and he is pressuring you into this.

Im sorry, But in over 10 years im giving you my first LTB!
This is not on at all !!!!!!!

I think this is my first ... or second tops ... LTB.

Grubby little man. Agree with all of the LTB above. However - unless he was completely dishonest with you (which if he was then there is another massive tick in the LTB box!) why on earth did you marry a man who was into swinging!?

It's time to tell him you made vows to be faithful to each other bringing a third person in breaks that vow and either he stops bringing it up and decides you are enough for him or you go your seperate ways. If he can't respect when you say no to it now how will he accept it when you say its gone far enough if he pushed you into it. The fact is he would not this is solely about him wanting to sleep around but thinking if your involved from time to time you can't be angry and hold it against him. Either he stops asking and accepts no means no or leave as he is clearly showing you no respect to carry on asking.

Ugh. I think this would be a deal-breaker for me - not the swinging per se, but the constant whinging when you've made your position clear, Tbh, couple's therapy could help HIM see how unreasonable he's being?

Just no. You can't remain in a committed relationship with someone who is repeatedly pressuring you into having a sexual experience you don't want. Anyone who loved and respected you would understand this.

You need to leave him.

If you were to do this “for the sake of the marriage”, this would be coercive sex. You would be doing this under duress and it is legally a form of rape. (Assuming you are in the UK, not Australia.) Do you want to go through that again?

Please please leave him.

He's trying to force you into sex against your will.

Absolute bastard

It should be a cold day in hell before you are coerced and bullied into “consenting” to be raped. This is a deal breaker for you, isn’t it?

He is trying to coerce you into doing something sexually you don’t want to do. That’s abusive behaviour. Please don’t attempt couples counselling with him- you just can’t do that with an abuser. Instead think about your future and what you want. Maybe counselling for just you will help you- not in a horrible way but to help you see that what you’re putting up with isn’t acceptable and you deserve better.

But end this relationship. This won’t get better, he won’t stop and I can totally see this escalating massively.

There is absolute nothing wrong with swinging but you are ether into or not . It's not something you could or should be persuaded into.

My friends are swingers and it's as simple as sex to them with other people is just physical recreation and compare it to sport.if it's not for you it's not for you .

You need to draw a line under it it's a flat no.

Compromise is normally so important but this isn’t an issue that warrants any compromise other than it agreeing to think about it for longer than 5 seconds.

For most of us it would be a hard no, at best I may have said think about it overnight, but you went further than most of us and really looked into it and you are well within your rights to say no, this isn’t for me and it’s not something I’m ever going to want to do, so we either put the idea to bed or if you can’t do that, then we need to call it a day.

I would be very clear that those are the two options and tbh I think the fact that he had been pressuring you to do this so much, it would probably mean that I would say, this isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t want a husband who tries to force me to have sex I don’t want and I don’t respect you and you don’t respect me, I deserve someone much better.

‘ Tell him the only threesome you're interested in is one with a solicitor to discuss divorce.’

THIS

@Kaseykahneno1

My husband of 9 years was into swinging before we met. Last year he asked for us to do it. I initially said no. But I gave in. We downloaded the apps and registered websites. In about 6 months we met 2 couples and 2 singles. Nothing physical ever happened. After every time of nothing happening I always went “phew” and even a couple times beforehand I got drunk hoping it would make me do it and not have feelings. I tried twice during this time to put an end to it but he kept saying he wants this for us and would talk me right back into it. I would say ok to keep the peace. Finally one day I said absolutely no. Never. I have no desire to fool around with anyone and I don’t want to see my husband fooling around with anyone. This made him highly angry and said it’s wrong that I won’t even try it. He keeps saying it’s for us but I can’t bring myself to. He said he doesn’t see how it’s such a big issue. And that it’s unfair to say no without trying. He still brings it up. He’ll text me memes about threesomes. He say “I know what we can do 😉” (examples). And would ask occasionally if it’s still a no. I said to quit asking me. I said no, I’m not gonna be made to do it. But he still brings it up once every couple days or sometimes everyday. It’s starting to get annoying that I don’t desire it and it hurts. I have issues with forced sex from being raped. And he knows about that. But I would never treat him that way if there was something I wanted and he didn’t want it. I’ve thought of either couples therapy to get past this issue or just something for myself. Any advice would be great!

Are you still in the same situation? Or you resolved it ?

Poor you. You need to be much more assertive though. Tell him you have had enough with the begging, if he isn’t content in a monogamous relationship you would rather separate than be persuaded into something you don’t want to do. Tell him it is a dealbreaker and mean it.