To expect DH’s help and support?

[TigerBrite]

I used to work in hospitality but have been unemployed for several months due to Covid. There’s no sign of jobs like mine returning any time soon, and when they do the competition will be huge. I could be unemployed for years.

DH works in web design at a big computing firm. They often hire freelance contractors to do bits and bobs, and they have small “one man band” companies who hire their equipment and collaborate with them. DH often complains that these self employed guys are just knocking out websites with very little skill and are probably earning as much as he does. So I thought if they can do it then so can I? Not necessarily working with DH, just using his expert knowledge and skills to guide and inform my freelance business.

I planned to learn the basics with DH’s support and build up slowly, studying while DC is at school and working from home. I asked DH to help me write a business plan because he knows everything about the industry.

He has refused. He said I don’t have the skills, there are lots of complicated factors I haven’t considered like needing equipment and insurance, and where would I find clients? In fact he criticised me until he made me cry. I said yes, that’s why I asked you to direct me on what to learn, advise me and help me write a business plan? So then he got angry and said if you want to do it then just do it, why do I have to be involved? You just want me to do it for you because you’re not capable of doing anything by yourself! It’s not my business and if you can’t do it yourself then you shouldn’t be doing it at all!

So now I feel really demotivated because I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to support me with his expert knowledge, because I’m his wife but also because he would benefit from having a wife who’s employed and earning money. I chose this path because I had an expert to advise me and I have no idea where to start on my own.

Your DH has been utterly vile - there’s no doubt about that

Theres plenty of doubt! If someone, inc my OH, said out of the blue "hey you know what you've spent many years learning and perfecting and get paid well for? I reckon I can do it too, easy peasy. Now, write me a business plan and help me out with all your experience and contacts..." I'd tell them to fuck right off as well!

You have no sense or understanding of how things work and you're not willing to listen

This. The more you post, the more I feel sorry for your husband

Have you applied for the two entry level physics jobs now local to you?
Or are you going to decide that it’s not worth the childcare cost etc etc...

If you’re interested in IT, then grab your chances by the balls. Forget, “oh I couldn’t get the accountancy job as I had a physics degree” (you can get to degree level qualification through self study - my cousin is doing ACA) and think about what you can do. You can study web design and programming online without any help from your husband. You can do it for zero cost, too, at least to start with to see if you have interest / aptitude.

You could have given yourself an intro in the last 6 weeks of child being back at school.

Get motivated! Fuck your husband. If you’re interested in this, then start studying online NOW, whilst job hunting.

Expect your husband to put child to bed on your study evenings. Have an entire day at the weekend, 09:00-17:00 studying
DH often doesn’t even come home from work until after bedtime. Sometimes he works away and is gone for days. He complains about working all day then having to do childcare instead of relaxing in the evening. He never does childcare at the weekend - before Covid he would go out cycling all day, now he urgently has to clean the gutters and repaint the bathroom, or catch up with work in the home office. It doesn’t help that DC is a non-sleeper and has been prescribed melatonin for the last couple of years (which doesn’t always work). The time I have available is a weekday between school start and finish times, and unreliable evenings when DC actually goes to sleep.

Have you applied for the two entry level physics jobs now local to you?
No. I have a good degree but I haven’t done physics for 15 years. I can’t compete with recent graduates, it’s so long ago I don’t remember half of it.

You say you are hard working

When have you worked hard? When someone else told you exactly what to do and how to do it, like you expected your husband to do now? Sorry but that wont get you anywhere starting your own business. That might be why you didn't get far at work even with a physics degree.

You've had lots of good advice here.Have the confidence to strike out for yourself, put in the effort. Time to figure out how to get ypurself started!

Well, why did you do physics then?
I was young and naive and I believed the hype about “do what you love”. It didn’t occur to me to look for job opportunities before starting my degree. I wasn’t expecting to remain in the north anyway, if my dad hadn’t had a stroke I might have moved away.

@TigerBrite

LOL at physics being a useless degree! Depends where you live I suppose. It’s useless in a semi rural area of the north with no big science labs or research companies. I tried applying for accountancy but was told repeatedly that I should have studied accountancy at university, as I was less preferable than accountancy graduates who already had knowledge of basic principles. Ditto when I applied for entry level computing jobs - my competitors had computing degrees. Currently there are two entry level jobs for physics graduates within 30 miles, so not a huge chance of relevant employment if i was a new graduate now.

Nonsense! You don't need an accountancy degree to be an accountant!

You can do AAT at home then get a job where you can 'apprentice'.

Your degree would be perfect

@TigerBrite

Expect your husband to put child to bed on your study evenings. Have an entire day at the weekend, 09:00-17:00 studying DH often doesn’t even come home from work until after bedtime. Sometimes he works away and is gone for days. He complains about working all day then having to do childcare instead of relaxing in the evening. He never does childcare at the weekend - before Covid he would go out cycling all day, now he urgently has to clean the gutters and repaint the bathroom, or catch up with work in the home office. It doesn’t help that DC is a non-sleeper and has been prescribed melatonin for the last couple of years (which doesn’t always work). The time I have available is a weekday between school start and finish times, and unreliable evenings when DC actually goes to sleep.

Right. I knew you were going to come back and tell me that your husband was useless and you couldn’t study much, (a) because so many men are (b) because he sounds like an arsehole and (c) because your entire thread is full of excuses 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s exactly why in the same post I already commented re if he was useless... like the 2 hours a day at weekends of Disney+. Fuck it, 2 hours every evening if you have to. TV is a great babysitter - don’t be afraid to use it!

At the very least, you’ve got 09:30-14:30 (allowing for drop off) which is 25 hours a week at the moment!! That’s loads. So - are you going to start studying on Monday, or just say, “no point because I only want to do it if I’ve got my own business on contractor rates, not entry level.”?

Have you also thought that your DH’s employment contract probably precludes him setting up on competition (which is what you really want). You’re effectively asking him to do the donkey work for a competitor. And it will,also ethically sour the existing arrangements if they know he’s helping you (and they’ll know)

I tried applying for accountancy but was told repeatedly that I should have studied accountancy at university

Rubbish.

I know numerous accountants. None did accountancy as an undergrad degree.

Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.

@TigerBrite

Well, why did you do physics then? I was young and naive and I believed the hype about “do what you love”. It didn’t occur to me to look for job opportunities before starting my degree. I wasn’t expecting to remain in the north anyway, if my dad hadn’t had a stroke I might have moved away.

That’s a coulda woulda shoulda.

You didn’t. Plenty of people go into accounting with a different degree. My sons best friend did some sort of biomed and moved into accountancy. Ditto law.

When you left university you applied for accountancy and IT jobs but nobody hired you because your degree was in physics and you had no skill set for the jobs you were applying for...
So I’m stuck forever because I picked the wrong degree aged 18? That doesn’t seem fair. People regularly switch to new careers after doing short courses etc.

So what are you going to do?

Part of being an entrepreneur/self employed is thinking on your feet and good planning. Have you spent time today researching courses? Looked how long they last for, when do they start? How many hours approx learning time you’ll need per week?
Courses that can be done in your own time around your child?

Your husband working away can’t be helped, but yes of course if you start to study and/or work he’ll need to muck in.
If you feel he won’t and that you’ll stay married to him, then you’d need to consider jobs where wfh can be done.

Your posts focus a lot on the negative-I get that you might be feeling in a hole right now. But you need to start being pro active, no procrastinating and start looking at what you can do or want to do now-before everyone else also starts to retrain and gets in there before you. Courses might be starting in January so start looking now-part of being self employed is constantly thinking into the future.

Your husband isn’t going to help you. So you need to start helping yourself.

@DameFanny

He criticised you until he made you cry

He. Made. You. Cry.

He's a bully OP.

And what's more, I'll bet his buttons were pushed because if you do retrain - with your drive and ambition, you'll be able to look behind the curtain and see that he's not the big I am after all. And the reason he's not going it alone is that he's not god's gift to computing.

You took him at his word when he complained about the cowboys with no skills and him with all his skills, and that scared him angry.

I don't think that's fair, tbh. If OP is half as maddening in her conversations with her DH as she has been throughout this post, I'm not surprised he was critical. And somebody saying something that makes you cry does not mean they are a bully.

If she has 'drive' and 'ambition' she should use it, not demand he spoon feed her the career she wants. Nothing about her posts here suggest she has much of either.

He doesn't sound scared. He sounds fed up and incredulous. As I would be in his shoes.

Plenty of people go into accounting with a different degree
I’m aware of that. I applied and was repeatedly told no. I can see why an accountancy graduate would be preferable for small businesses - and where I live they are all small businesses.

A degree in physics shows you're intelligent and highly numerate. A physics degree is difficult. ou must have good, well respected A levels: physics, maths etc. A degree in physics doesn't mean it's research scientist or nothing. It's a springboard to many careers, particularly in banking, finance etc. Loads of jobs in a variety of sectors specify STEM subjects. The industry I work in (not remotely scientific) would look extremely favourably at a physics degree on a CV.

He should have been kinder, and I think the way he spoke to you was awful. Is this common for him? If so, you should address that before you do anything else.

BUT he is right in some ways. You do not have the skills to do even the basics at the moment, so you need to learn those before trying to jump ahead to a business plan about something in which you have no knowledge and few skills.

You need to do a lot of research, proper training courses (or go back to college/open university or something- maybe an apprenticeship of some sort?). You can’t expect your husband to do his job and do your training and practically running your business whilst you learn on the job. The fact that you are naive enough to think this plan would work suggests you have not really thought it through sufficiently. Essentially, you want your husband to set up and run a company, alongside his job, and train you at the same time. Then when/if you have the skills he hands it over to you. I can see why he may baulk at that prospect and perhaps got ratty when you couldn’t see why he wasn’t keen and kept on at him.

If you seriously want to do this, you need to do your research, gain knowledge, develop your skills and then set up your business.

Sorry OP I think he has just been honest and it's come out rather harsh. I wouldnt be impressed if my DH was facing long term unemployment and thought my job was sooo easy that he could just jump on my coat tails and do I what I do with zero experience, and then expect me to help them set up a business to boot 🤷‍♀️

Ok my dh works in this field so step one learn to program html, css, java script, ect.
C++ and oracle is where the money earners are and 1 year it not enough time to learn really you need a head for scripting and its very boring if you do the back end work, so you will need to plan your day better if unemployed while child at school and in bed research and practice plenty of free courses online however this is not an easy area to get into your dh might say it is but its competitive and not as easy as you think. Also you dh should not train you he works full time in an area he has trained in for years and its demanding and stressful

o I’m stuck forever because I picked the wrong degree aged 18? That doesn’t seem fair. People regularly switch to new careers after doing short courses etc

They do. But you haven't. If you're stuck, its because you haven't done anything to unstick yourself.
You wanted yor husband to do it all for you, and now he won't you're so demotivated that youre crying and its all his fault.

DIY.

I think your DH's side of the story would be different. Perhaps he doesn't think you actually have the right traits/skills to do this successfully. Your motivation for choosing it simply seems to be 'because my DH does it and can help me'. I think there's much more to the story than your side.

Absolute rubbish about accountancy only taking accountancy degrees, I worked for one of the big five in my twenties and we had all sorts or recruits (one who had done archaeology!)

@cameocat

I think your DH's side of the story would be different. Perhaps he doesn't think you actually have the right traits/skills to do this successfully. Your motivation for choosing it simply seems to be 'because my DH does it and can help me'. I think there's much more to the story than your side.

Absolute rubbish about accountancy only taking accountancy degrees, I worked for one of the big five in my twenties and we had all sorts or recruits (one who had done archaeology!)

I would love to hear your DH’s version of this.

*TigerBrite

When you left university you applied for accountancy and IT jobs but nobody hired you because your degree was in physics and you had no skill set for the jobs you were applying for...
So I’m stuck forever because I picked the wrong degree aged 18? That doesn’t seem fair. People regularly switch to new careers after doing short courses etc*

The point was that you can't expect a job requiring a high level of skill that you don't have. You could have retrained to develop the necessary skill sets instead of complaining that nobody hired you.

You didn't do a course, you settled for low level jobs instead and now you expect to run an IT business using your husbands contacts. You need to think "what do I offer that people will pay for?". You can only sell the skillset you have.

Look, you're obviously clever and you sound driven. Just go for it yourself! I would absolutely hate coaching a spouse in my job in my non-working time, I want some downtime! Stop asking him and just do it yourself.

You're right to retrain, just do your homework on where the market opportunities are and how they match your skills.