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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DSS to not have hookups at the moment

104 replies

BigLatto · 29/10/2020 21:06

I’m a bit embarrassed to post this or talk about it.

DSS is 23 he lives with me and DH and my DDs 20 and 19

My DD 19 was shielding earlier in the year, whilst healthy she has a genetic condition and she also has Diabetes, this means she would have a severe case of Covid and many have died with her condition.

My DSS is a lovely lad we have had a generally good relationship. However there is a problem recently he is gay and is quite a fan of having going out and often staying the night with various people Wink. We would be fine with this normally as it’s his choice.

But I worry he will bring Covid back home. We live in tier 1 but border two London Boroughs and both have Cases rising rapidly. He is travelling into London often

DSS was fine over lockdown, but he is not very concerned about covid and he has broken the rules a few times. Especially over the summer. However cases were low then.

I’m just very worried sick about Him infecting my daughter, I don’t know how to approach this.

We all work from home including DSS, both DDs stay home and me and DH. We order Ocado. We don’t go out apart from quite country walks.

If we were to get infected it would be him. He doesn’t earn enough to move out due to the housing costs.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigLatto · 29/10/2020 21:07

Forgot to add if we get covid it will be him that gives it to us. I can’t see how else we will get infected we are very careful.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 29/10/2020 21:11

Can you discuss it with him as an adult he should understand your concerns but you cant cut off his sex life he just needs to be more careful and wash his clothes etc when he gets home

NailsNeedDoing · 29/10/2020 21:11

You can’t expect to control what a 23 year old does when he goes out, and the fact that he’s gay is irrelevant.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 29/10/2020 21:14

How long must he remain celibate for exactly? This could go on for years.

Not really sure why you mentioned being gay, would you have mentioned if he was heterosexual?

Thehop · 29/10/2020 21:16

Can you be really honest about your fears and ask him to strip his clothes for the washer and shower as soon as he gets in?

RainbowParadise · 29/10/2020 21:17

It's irrelevant that he's gay...

But there's a big difference between being celibate and having lots of random hookups. I don't think now is the time for hookups with various people.

If he were socially distancing (fucking hate those words) on dates until he meets someone who he thinks it will go a bit further with, I think that's perfectly acceptable. Life cannot go on hold forever. But multiple hookups doesn't seem right- not when your daughter is vulnerable.

Waveysnail · 29/10/2020 21:18

I think having a chat with him about his socialising is in order. If he wants to continue to go out socialising then he should think about moving out.

Original poster
BigLatto · 29/10/2020 21:19

Him being gay isn’t relevant, but it also is. I have seen from DD’s social media. A lot of the gay clubs are very busy in Soho.

I am very pro LGBT. I’m just mentioning for context.

I don’t want him to be celibate for ever but I want to explain how I’m worried for my DDs health.

OP posts:
BananaPop2020 · 29/10/2020 21:20

Hmmm, loving the whole gay sidebar. What does that have to do with anything?

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 29/10/2020 21:21

I think I’d be telling him if he wants to continue enjoying random hook ups he should think about finding somewhere to live. Fine if he’s got a boyfriend who is regular, but one night stands are risky atm.

RainbowParadise · 29/10/2020 21:22

It ISN'T relevant OP. Lots of places are busy.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 29/10/2020 21:24

As step-mum I think your first task is to get his father on board and present a united front, but your fears are reasonable and you are not wrong to voice them.
Ask him to offer solutions/concessions, has he got a regular, safe fwb for example.

parrotonthesofa · 29/10/2020 21:25

It is totally irrelevant

SpongeWorthy · 29/10/2020 21:28

The gay thing really isn't relevant.

If he's out and about mixing with loads of people and you aren't comfortable with the level of covid risk that brings, tell him.

You're all adults, just have a conversation about it!

Again, plenty of people shag around in their twenties and plenty of clubs are busy regardless of straight / gay clientele. Odd to bring up the fact he's gay as if that's part of the issue.

Original poster
BigLatto · 29/10/2020 21:30

Many of you are right the gay thing isn’t relevant sorry if it caused offence.

I’m just really worried.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigLatto · 29/10/2020 21:30

Me and DH are united.

OP posts:
Grapefruitcauliflower · 29/10/2020 21:30

YANBU at all. Entirely his choice to take the risk if he wasn’t living with you, but he is, so you very definitely have a say in this. Of course no young person wants to restrict their social/sex life, but many of us have had to make pretty massive sacrifices and young single folk are no exception. It’s hugely selfish of him to knowingly jeopardise his sister’s health. As if a few months of shagging randoms is worth that kind of risk! He needs to move out if he can’t understand this - sounds like you’ve had a lot more patience with him than I would, personally!

Bayleaf25 · 29/10/2020 21:35

I have a diabetic close friend who is adamant Covid doesn’t put her in a high risk group? Admittedly I don’t know and you also mention a genetic condition which may be relevant?

KylieKoKo · 29/10/2020 21:37

I understand why you're concerned but I can't imagine a more excruciating conversation to have with a step son!

Ohalrightthen · 29/10/2020 21:41

If your DH agrees with you, he should be handling it.

nostaples · 29/10/2020 21:44

Slightly missing point but not sure how healthy it is in other ways for 4 members of the family including two adult children not to leave the house except to go on walks.

Cheesypea · 29/10/2020 21:44

Dunno how washing his clothes will protect the household after a night shagging? Echo others your partner needs to talk to him. I hope hes using protection.

Ginfordinner · 29/10/2020 21:44

Can he not get a flat share with friends? Are you in a position to subsidise him moving out?

Itisbetter · 29/10/2020 21:45

He needs to live somewhere else.

Goosefoot · 29/10/2020 21:49

Probably your husband might be the better person to talk to him.

But YANBU. And this idea of washing his clothes when he comes in or showering is silly. That's not the issue, the issue is that if he is being intimate with lots of people he will be infected and become a source of infection.

He's not really following the recommendations for social distancing if he's having regular hook ups, it's not as if he is dating someone seriously.

I'd suggest that he should stop, or move out, he's plenty old enough to be on his own.

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