Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DSS to not have hookups at the moment

104 replies

BigLatto · 29/10/2020 21:06

I’m a bit embarrassed to post this or talk about it.

DSS is 23 he lives with me and DH and my DDs 20 and 19

My DD 19 was shielding earlier in the year, whilst healthy she has a genetic condition and she also has Diabetes, this means she would have a severe case of Covid and many have died with her condition.

My DSS is a lovely lad we have had a generally good relationship. However there is a problem recently he is gay and is quite a fan of having going out and often staying the night with various people Wink. We would be fine with this normally as it’s his choice.

But I worry he will bring Covid back home. We live in tier 1 but border two London Boroughs and both have Cases rising rapidly. He is travelling into London often

DSS was fine over lockdown, but he is not very concerned about covid and he has broken the rules a few times. Especially over the summer. However cases were low then.

I’m just very worried sick about Him infecting my daughter, I don’t know how to approach this.

We all work from home including DSS, both DDs stay home and me and DH. We order Ocado. We don’t go out apart from quite country walks.

If we were to get infected it would be him. He doesn’t earn enough to move out due to the housing costs.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigLatto · 29/10/2020 22:29

It’s not the diabetes she has a very very rare genetic disorder! This makes her clinically vulnerable.

The expert who manages her said the Covid Death rate is high for those with her condition.

On top of that she has type 1 diabetes.

She is very very vulnerable.

OP posts:
TibetanTerrier · 29/10/2020 22:33

@Bayleaf25

I have a diabetic close friend who is adamant Covid doesn’t put her in a high risk group? Admittedly I don’t know and you also mention a genetic condition which may be relevant?
Diabetes puts your friend in the Clinically Vulnerable (moderate risk) category. She's right that it doesn't put her in the Clinically Extremely Vulnerable (high risk) category, but she's definitely more at risk from Covid-19 than those without diabetes.
monkeymonkey2010 · 29/10/2020 22:41

are you saying he's been using your home as a knocking shop OP?

Goosefoot · 29/10/2020 22:46

Maybe an aside, but I am pretty laid back about covid stuff and I think we have to have some realism about risk, but the fact that there is still a hook-up scene going on at the moment is kind of crazy. It's crazy that can happen and yet there are people restricted from visiting their dying family members or parents. Socialising is probably a necessity for human beings, screwing random people is not.

NeonGenesis · 29/10/2020 22:51

Firstly, if you do all get covid, I don't think it's fair to say that it will come from him. You don't know that. People have managed to get covid in all sorts of situations where they thought they were being very careful. So if it does happen then please don't blame him.

Secondly, I think asking him to cool it on this behaviour is ok - he's regularly travelling over to a huge city where cases are rising rapidly, and spending time engaging in close physical contact with various people. You have a person in your house who is especially vulnerable. He needs to think about others.

Thirdly, what does him being gay have to do with anything? And why are you telling us that you don't mind it? Do you want a medal?

Mwnci123 · 29/10/2020 22:58

Op, I think your husband really has to have a word with him. It's not fair to your daughter. YANBU. Hope you're able to get it sorted without too much upset.

JollyGiraffe12 · 29/10/2020 23:02

YANBU ask his dad to speak to him as a matter of urgency. What is the situation with your DDs dad? Can she live with him if DSS refuses to change his lifestyle?

Also I do think mentioning he is gay adds extra detail/context and certainly has relevance, not sure why you are getting such a hard time over that one.

doodleygirl · 29/10/2020 23:03

I would ask him to leave or reign it in. We are not living in normal times and therefore the normal rules may not apply for all living situations.

Your DD is in a vulnerable group and you are doing all you can to protect her, if another grown up member of the family who lives under your roof doesnt want to play by the current rules then they need to change their living circumstances.

Why anyone would think differently baffles me.

tara66 · 29/10/2020 23:08

I think it is glaringly obvious what you should do. News tonight saying something like there may be 12 million cases by Xmas at this rate.

aSofaNearYou · 29/10/2020 23:12

YANBU, and if he isn't willing to agree to it I would say he should move out for the time being, as he is a capable adult who shouldn't be putting others at risk.

Inkpaperstars · 29/10/2020 23:14

I agree @doodleygirl

I think DSS is being quite selfish actually.

Terrace58 · 29/10/2020 23:14

I would have kicked him out the first time he violated the family Covid rules. If he wants to go to clubs or bars and especially if he wants to physically interact with someone outside of your household, he needs to get his own home.

Everyone in our household is making sacrifices to protect our fragile members.

ChickensMightFly · 29/10/2020 23:18

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect anyone sharing a home to consider those they share it with and not be reckless with the level of risk they expose them to.
Definitely need a proper conversation with him. Her life versus his sex life is no contest. Not sure what the solution might be off the top of my head but if you approach it like a team coming up with solutions not like a confrontational ambush there must be something. We all have to make sacrifices for people we live from time to time. If he won't even think about it and wants to be selfish he needs to stop enjoying the benefit of family life and live elsewhere even if that is uncomfortable for him.

Mischance · 29/10/2020 23:22

He's a big lad - it's not as if he's 17. He is old enough to deal with the concerns about your DD's high risk status, either by sticking to appropriate safety rules or by finding himself somewhere else to live.

It need not be an embarrassing conversation as suggested above. His social and sex life are not relevant and need not be part of the discussion; but the requirement to respect the dangers to your DD are - very much so. He is more than old enough to be doing the right thing and needs to have this firmly pointed out to him.

Personally I would tell him bluntly to be off if he cannot act with proper consideration.

time4anothername · 29/10/2020 23:25

Has it actually been explained to him the risk he is causing to DD? Not in an accusing way but factually? Might he be as naive as some posts on here that think clothes washing on return is protective despite having had close contact with people? You say he is not bothered about Covid which is fair enough for himself as he is low risk but does he understand that he is therefore making that choice for his SS too who does need to be bothered? If he is not one for watching the news or taking much notice does he realise that hand-washing is not enough? Does he understand how transmission actually works?

If he wants to carry on taking his own risks once he understands the risk he is causing to DD then he needs to move out IMO.

moofolk · 29/10/2020 23:34

I don't think it's homophobic to say that the gay male hook up culture is different to hetero or lesbian dating.

It is different. It's men and men. I know men on Grindr and it is not the same as straight or lesbian worlds. Which is not the same as being judgemental about it.

(Saying this as a lezzer before anyone starts).

Nowt else to add on the actual topic that others haven't said, just wanted to stick up for OP on this one issue.

If he's going out on loads of hook ups and you're being super careful / have been dealing with shielding then he's clearly being really inconsiderate.

When dealing with ambiguity in the way others are dealing with lockdown rules the phrase seems to be 'I don't mind if you don't mind'. ie don't behave in a way that makes other people feel uncomfortable.

But you clearly do feel uncomfortable.

He needs either to stop behaving like this or stop staying in the house

janetmendoza · 29/10/2020 23:40

This is bonkers and has to stop. If that doesn't seem agreeable to him he has to move out. He will not be the first lad to have had to curtail his sex life. Literally millions of young people all over the world have had to stop going out and shagging randoms.

YoureRight · 29/10/2020 23:45

Why have so many posters not bothered to read the OP? The guy is shagging all round the place outside of the house.

His parent should have had words with him long ago. Get him to tell his son to stop putting you all at risk, it’s not a dilemma.

squeekums · 30/10/2020 00:00

Gay or straight : If he is having hook ups in London he is breaking the law as it’s tier 2 so no socialising indoors: ask him to obey the law or leave within next 2 weeks

Whos says he having sex indoors

I think your kidding yourself if you think you can tell him not to have sex with randoms
Id feel safe guessing he will smile, nod and ignore

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2020 04:31

Does it matter if it’s indoors or outdoors? Social distancing rules still apply.

mocktail · 30/10/2020 04:53

I guess indoors would be illegal and outdoors legal,, although both are obviously against guidelines.

SimplyRadishing · 30/10/2020 07:35

Agree sexual orientation is irrelevant

Bottom line - He needs to keep it in his pants and minimise socialising (like everyone else) if he won't he needs to rent someplace else

glassshoes · 30/10/2020 07:49

Agree that sexual orientation is irrelevant and I would also leave the hook ups out of the discussion. I would ask your DH in your position to have this conversation with his son, talking in more general times about going out socialising without distancing and the risks for your daughter. I think he needs to move out if he wishes to continue during the pandemic.

OverTheRainbow88 · 30/10/2020 07:56

I think as he lives with you he needs To follow your rules. If hooking up is that important to him maybe it’s time to move out.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 30/10/2020 08:01

I get the feeling you wouldn't have an issue if he was straight. People can harp on about how the gay scene is oh so different from lesbian and straight but there are plenty of lesbians and straight people who do exactly what he is doing.

I don't think you can police his sex life tbh. Of course it's your house and you can ask him to leave. That may damage your relationship with him and your partner though.