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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DSS to not have hookups at the moment

104 replies

BigLatto · 29/10/2020 21:06

I’m a bit embarrassed to post this or talk about it.

DSS is 23 he lives with me and DH and my DDs 20 and 19

My DD 19 was shielding earlier in the year, whilst healthy she has a genetic condition and she also has Diabetes, this means she would have a severe case of Covid and many have died with her condition.

My DSS is a lovely lad we have had a generally good relationship. However there is a problem recently he is gay and is quite a fan of having going out and often staying the night with various people Wink. We would be fine with this normally as it’s his choice.

But I worry he will bring Covid back home. We live in tier 1 but border two London Boroughs and both have Cases rising rapidly. He is travelling into London often

DSS was fine over lockdown, but he is not very concerned about covid and he has broken the rules a few times. Especially over the summer. However cases were low then.

I’m just very worried sick about Him infecting my daughter, I don’t know how to approach this.

We all work from home including DSS, both DDs stay home and me and DH. We order Ocado. We don’t go out apart from quite country walks.

If we were to get infected it would be him. He doesn’t earn enough to move out due to the housing costs.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 30/10/2020 08:03

He does need to follow your rules for the sake of your DD. Being male and gay actually could matter. In bodies of research done, young men 13+ were more likely to be asymptomatic, but shed more virus. Young men take more risks. Which is fine, as long as they don't impact on anyone else.

He's saying a massive 'fuck you' to you and your DD. It's time he moved out.

flaviaritt · 30/10/2020 08:04

If he lives with you he should be respecting the fact that you are uncomfortable at the moment with his vibrant social life and toning it down significantly. If he can’t do that he should move out.

lunalulu · 30/10/2020 08:14

Some people here are being pretty mean to you, OP, about your factoring in the gay aspect. Personally I think you are absolutely right - he's going into social gatherings and mixing with abandon, and there is a culture of multiple hookups. Regardless of the sex of the participants, it's clearly high risk close physical contact with lots of other people.

You're not asking him to be celibate - you're asking him to take no risks with his dear family, for a bit, until this is sorted.

I think you absolutely should sit down and tell him going out like that isn't on. If he wants one partner and they don't frequent clubs, better. But no sweaty encounters with a different person every night. What the hell.

Everyone has to pull their horns in at the moment (as it were). Just tell him. I'd probably say this is unfair and you're either in or out. Just be clear with him. It's ludicrous that you're (eg) worriedly disinfecting cereal packaging from Ocado and he's mingling with all and sundry and coming home for breakfast, not even changing his clothes.

lunalulu · 30/10/2020 08:14

@flaviaritt

If he lives with you he should be respecting the fact that you are uncomfortable at the moment with his vibrant social life and toning it down significantly. If he can’t do that he should move out.
Yep
Mittens030869 · 30/10/2020 08:19

Your DSS is being very selfish in view of the fact that his sister is clinically vulnerable. As a presumably young man, there’s the issue that he could pick up the virus but be asymptomatic so he wouldn’t know.

If he’s unprepared to rein in his behaviour during this pandemic, he really should find somewhere else to live.

movingonup20 · 30/10/2020 08:23

The fact he is gay isn't the point, but he it seems is living a certain kind of lifestyle which is more common with the male gay community eg hook ups with different partners, something that I personally don't know of any heterosexual people doing with any frequency. I don't judge, it's up to him but in the circumstances it's is much higher risk to catch covid than a long term partner or socialising with a small group of friends therefore having concerns is ok. I in the ops situation would probably give an ultimatum, curtail hook ups for this winter (im being realistic) or move out but I would want to help with the cost

Noideawottodo · 30/10/2020 08:41

The fact he is gay isn't the point, but he it seems is living a certain kind of lifestyle which is more common with the male gay community eg hook ups with different partners, something that I personally don't know of any heterosexual people doing with any frequency

So being gay is relevant!

Noideawottodo · 30/10/2020 08:43

And he's being a selfish prick. Plenty of people have had to significantly change their lifestyle for the worse during this pandemic. Shagging randoms when you live with your parents and vulnerable sister is idiotic.

makingmammaries · 30/10/2020 08:47

He needs to accept your rules, which means reining in his social/sex life for the duration of the pandemic, or move out. It’s that stark and that simple. Quite a lot of opinionated and unhelpful comments on this thread.

Mittens030869 · 30/10/2020 09:04

As a presumably young man, there’s the issue that he could pick up the virus but be asymptomatic so he wouldn’t know.

Oh dear, I've just read back what I wrote in my previous post, and seen that it makes no sense. I meant 'as a presumably healthy young man...'

KnightsofColumbusThatHurt · 30/10/2020 09:22

I'm pretty laid back about Covid, but what kind of bloke goes around mingling with and shagging random and then coming home to his parents and vulnerable sibling? That is so and disrespectful. And presumably a lot of the blokes he is hooking up with will have been doing the same? Sounds like Covid central to me.

You need to tell him that he stops it or he moves out. Your poor DD, how does she feel about it all?

KnightsofColumbusThatHurt · 30/10/2020 09:22

That should say 'that is so selfish and disrespectful'.

lljkk · 30/10/2020 09:34

Just talk to him OP.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/10/2020 09:43

He needs to stop shagging around, or move out. Simple.

Any chance you and DH could help him fund a bedsit, or room in a shared house (with people who are happy to share with someone with his lifestyle, obviously), if he really can't afford the simplest little room for himself?

It seems extravagant that you'd basically be funding his shag pad. But, he's a young man in his prime and this virus isn't going away any time soon. Maybe it is the time for weird compromises.

In the meantime, your house, your rules - which include consistent social distancing at all times.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 30/10/2020 12:03

It is different. It's men and men. I know men on Grindr and it is not the same as straight or lesbian worlds. Which is not the same as being judgemental about it.

This pretty much sums it up. It’s really not homophobic to acknowledge that gay men simply have more casual hook-up opprtunities than straight men. Of course not all gay men want or take those opportunities, and I’m sure there are plenty of straight men who take every opportunity. But mentioning her stepson is gay does not mean the OP has a problem with it.

For generations, women have been socialised to believe there are things that ‘nice girls’ don’t do; there’s the type of girl that boys marry, and the type they practise on. Men, meanwhile, have been encouraged to sow their wild oats before finding one of the said ‘nice girls’. What do you think happens when you take women out of the equation altogether?

Noitjustwontdo · 30/10/2020 12:14

As others have said, the fact he is gay is completely irrelevant. Regular bars will be just as busy as gay bars, young people are still going out enjoying bars until 10pm when the house parties start...

I would be worried about his behaviour if I were you too but unless the government closes down pubs and bars and sends uni students home again, this will continue. You can have a word with him but I suspect he won’t listen.

Goosefoot · 30/10/2020 13:21

Assuming he's actually going to bars. Not all gay hookup culture happens in bars, and I'd be inclined to wonder if he's going to a sauna or something whether they are actually keeping track for contact tracing or if he even knows who some of the blokes are.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 30/10/2020 13:49

So he's 23 and not particularly worried about covid because he's low risk I guess, so won't affect him personally.

Time for him to move out for the next six months, into a house share with other 20 odd year olds who aren't bothered about covid. He likes London so suggest he looks for a house share there.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 30/10/2020 13:53

And I know you say he doesn't earn enough to move out, but is that really true? Surely he doesn't have much outgoings atm, does he work full time? Could you and your partner subside him a little bit if needed? Sure you would be able to find an affordable house share. That way he can have a great 6 months and you can feel safe in your own home. Hopefully things will look better in 6 months.

Noideawottodo · 30/10/2020 13:55

My dd is 21 and wouldn't want to share with someone who was going home with randoms on a regular basis - from a covid pov, not from any judgement on their sex life! So he might not find a house share as accommodating as you've been!

Sciurus83 · 30/10/2020 14:15

Yeah this isn't on, he needs to move out. To be honest he should offer, surely he knows he's risking his sister's life? Shame he hasn't done the responsible thing but time for Dad to have a word.

Scbchl · 30/10/2020 14:17

Regardless of age my children wouldnt be having one night stands at my house repeatedly, irrespective of covid. I'm happy for them to have partners staying over but not comfortable with that. I just think it's so disrespectful to use your family home like that.

Acidburn · 30/10/2020 14:22

I think irrespective of Covid - ypu should not vring hookeups to your parents house at 23 years old. If you want to shag random people (not proper relationships, but after night club kind of things) then you move out. Parents house is not a hotel.
And definitely while its Covid out there - its not the best time to mix with random people in general.

Goosefoot · 30/10/2020 14:25

He isn't doing it at his parents house.

Though in a way I think it's a bit odd that he's sharing it with them at all. Even my friends that were on the wild side didn't really think their parents wanted to know about their casual sex hook-ups.

Halliehallie9828 · 30/10/2020 14:30

@Scbchl

Regardless of age my children wouldnt be having one night stands at my house repeatedly, irrespective of covid. I'm happy for them to have partners staying over but not comfortable with that. I just think it's so disrespectful to use your family home like that.
She said he stays out. He’s not bringing people back, he’s staying at their house.

OP what’s he likely to say if you asked him to rein it in for a while?