To contribute towards DH car debt

[HoHoHoOhNo]

So long story but before I start I admit I am basically scared to death of finances. Two sisters, one got mega into debt young and spent years clearing a black mark, the other married, moved into his home, committed to being a SAHM then lost everything when they divorced and ended up on every benefit imaginable. So be gentle, I tie myself up in knots about debt and stuff.

So been with DH for nearly 20 years, married only a few. We have a three year old and a 10mo. Historically he's been rather blasé about money, he will always pay with a cc and pay off what he can. The most debt I've known is about 8k due to car purchases and such but its usually between 1-3k To his credit, twice he's paid the full lot off over a course of years and then something else crops up and it starts again. Me on the other hand have five months of bills put away and and rather frugle with money. We have separate accounts, he pays half mortgage, half childcare, the food bills, I pay the same halves and all the utilities. I generally pay for all presents, kids stuff and christmas as he generally is strapped for cash once paying off lumps of his card each month. We earn exactly the same take home wage although I earn it in only three days part time. He is not a big spender, neither of us are very social (!) his money is spent on the occasional box of nice wine, maybe a football match or a new tshirt, but he's not flashy with money.
Two years ago he had cleared his debt and then admittedly had to buy a new car for ds2. The car he brought on a zero interest cc for fixed term. Admittedly it wasn't the most practical car, it fits the kids and a buggy so useless for a b&q run but it's his and it ticked a box. It means now we're back to square one. I am currently on mat leave returning to work in the new year. I'd love a third baby in a couple of years, we'd love a loft extension for space, but based on his plan to clear his card in three years he has very, very little disposable income so no baby, no loft.

So, should I contribute to paying this debt when I return to work instead of attempting to save? My fear is that I become a bank thay intervenes every so often at my expense. A sad thing to fear I know, but I am literally terrified of debt or being shafted by ANYONE that I can't think rationally about money.

The last three years BTW my savings were spent in paying for my extended time off on maternity (I get peanuts through work) he did not contribute to this.

Be gentle please

Shamelessly bumping

If you dh needed a car would it not just become a family expense? Have I got thir right op? You both pay equally into the pot for household expenses, you save your share of what's left for the extension /mat leave etc, he needs to pay off his car? If so then surely if you pay towards the car, it will be paid off earlier and he can then pay towards the mat keave/loft? Did you not want him to get the car?

isnt it a family car?

So you are earning the same but paying the lions share because he's blasé with money. Spilt bills 50/50 & he can pay off his own debt.
You can't be expected to bail him all the time & he needs to take responsibility for his spending.

Honestly? Don't set the precedent that you'll clear the bill. Yes, family money and family debt since you are married but there's nothing to stop him going straight back out and throwing down thousands on the next big thing. You said its a pattern, don't enable it.

I was very in favour until I read that you had spent your savings on mat leave and he didn't contribute at all. Fuck that noise.

No I don’t think it is a family car if maternity leave was funded by only one partner. Perhaps you both need to sit down together and work out what comes in what needs to go out and decide how it is fair to split it.
Split all expenses according to proportion of income or each have the same fun money allocated and set up savings for both of you.
Lots of ways to do it but I do think you need to talk about it

It sounds like a family car?

Do not pay off his debts

You would be mad to have a third baby with someone who is permanently in debt
He didn’t contribute at all to your mat leave and despite not being a big spender has up to 8k debts when you save a considerable amount and yet you earn the same?

Don’t bail him out

You used your savings on mat leave? so were you still paying 50% and he didn’t support you? What a prince!!
Doesn’t sound like a partnership in many ways at all. A big item like a car purchase should be a joint decision.
Don’t have another child with him.

If I were in your shoes I would. But just be clear that you do not want him to go into debt again.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I was very in favour until I read that you had spent your savings on mat leave and he didn't contribute at all. Fuck that noise.

Exactly this.

Sorry I'm confused by you needing a new car for DS2. Do you mean you needed a bigger car when you had the second child, or has he got older children. Only I'm trying to imagine a 10 month old driving anything but a pedal car!

We needed a second car because a tandem wouldn't fit in his old one and in his defence the windows were letting condensation in somehow,. It was quite unreliable. Yes I saved for both mat leave's. He does buy things for the house, so all the purchases for any DIY, gardening tend to fall to him. When we had both babies he did contribute to purchases, e.g. Cots, prams etc

I also changed my car, I ended up with a reliable ugly Zafira 😂 he went from a dinky corsa to a slightly larger shiny fiesta but In my mind it would have made sense to buy something like an estate or family car as it literally won't take much more than the essentials to go out. We agreed we both needed new cars, I used some savings, his went on a card. He went to look at this fiesta and came home having brought it. I didn't go with him because I was the size of a house and unwell with pregnancy at the time. I was clearly annoyed with him at the time but there's really very little I can do now. The same amount probably would have been spent on something practical so it's not the money, it's the choice that was frustrating

For the record my gut tells me not to do it. But I do feel that it will put everything on hold. I'm asking because I obviously don't want to approach the subject with him without having made a rational decision in my own mind. For what it's worth he has never ever ever asked me for money

Can you clarify if you still has to pay 50% off your mat pay? Can you not see this is wrong?
Definitely don’t have another child with this person.

Why are you even thinking of paying off the debt?
I don’t understand...
he hasn’t lost his job.
You don’t need to reduce debt for a mortgage application.

So why can’t he buy the car using a credit card, and then pay it off himself? You’ve been with him TWENTY years, and lived with his “method”. Put it on card, pay off card.

I rarely do that myself, I’d rather save and pay less 🤷🏻‍♀️

But it’s his choice.

Now him contributing more during maternity leave and you saving for that... I have zero respect for him there. Although... at least prior to the first leave were you full time and earning at least 1/3 of his salary more than him them? Which means it MIGHT have been fair.

Don’t allow him to make any less contribution to the family expenses than you. But after that, if he chooses to waste money on internet, that’s his choice. An annoying one, yes - but his.

Why does he need to buy an estate car when you already have a big family car in the zafira? Why would you need 2 large family cars?

In the kindest possible way you need to grow up and stop being “terrified” of finances. You are leaving yourself wide open otherwise.

Surely the easiest thing to do would be to have a single account into which you both get paid- a ‘family’ account, and then if you must, pay yourselves the same amount each into individual accounts to do with how you wish (him spend you save?)
Then things such as maternity leave and family cars would come out of the family account, and it would all be a bit fairer.

You are a bit safer than your sister, you’re married, and that confers considerable ‘safety’ if you were to divorce. However obviously no good if he has run you into the ground with debt, although to be honest it doesn’t actually sound like he’s doing that

@Isthisentirelynecessary the sister was married too! But other than that, I do agree with you 🙂

I saved for the Mat because I knew I wanted a year off and I couldn't continue without saving whilst I was pregnant. It never occurred to me it was unfair. I just put the money aside whilst pregnant. He would have been paying his same 50%.

@Greysparkles his suggestion. He wanted to take the pressure off me driving at the weekends, holidays etc as I do most of the trips in the week with the kids. He drives auto I drive manual.

I don't understand

"He's blasé with money" but "not a big spender" ??
How is he regularly getting in to debt/not paying things off? What's he buying? Sounds like he is living beyond his means.... but how if it's just the odd t shirt or football game and you earn the same yet manage to save and pay for all kids presents?

Something isn't adding up and you clearly have different approaches and attitudes to money and always have and always will. The car is just one issue but this is no way to live.