To contribute towards DH car debt

[HoHoHoOhNo]

So long story but before I start I admit I am basically scared to death of finances. Two sisters, one got mega into debt young and spent years clearing a black mark, the other married, moved into his home, committed to being a SAHM then lost everything when they divorced and ended up on every benefit imaginable. So be gentle, I tie myself up in knots about debt and stuff.

So been with DH for nearly 20 years, married only a few. We have a three year old and a 10mo. Historically he's been rather blasé about money, he will always pay with a cc and pay off what he can. The most debt I've known is about 8k due to car purchases and such but its usually between 1-3k To his credit, twice he's paid the full lot off over a course of years and then something else crops up and it starts again. Me on the other hand have five months of bills put away and and rather frugle with money. We have separate accounts, he pays half mortgage, half childcare, the food bills, I pay the same halves and all the utilities. I generally pay for all presents, kids stuff and christmas as he generally is strapped for cash once paying off lumps of his card each month. We earn exactly the same take home wage although I earn it in only three days part time. He is not a big spender, neither of us are very social (!) his money is spent on the occasional box of nice wine, maybe a football match or a new tshirt, but he's not flashy with money.
Two years ago he had cleared his debt and then admittedly had to buy a new car for ds2. The car he brought on a zero interest cc for fixed term. Admittedly it wasn't the most practical car, it fits the kids and a buggy so useless for a b&q run but it's his and it ticked a box. It means now we're back to square one. I am currently on mat leave returning to work in the new year. I'd love a third baby in a couple of years, we'd love a loft extension for space, but based on his plan to clear his card in three years he has very, very little disposable income so no baby, no loft.

So, should I contribute to paying this debt when I return to work instead of attempting to save? My fear is that I become a bank thay intervenes every so often at my expense. A sad thing to fear I know, but I am literally terrified of debt or being shafted by ANYONE that I can't think rationally about money.

The last three years BTW my savings were spent in paying for my extended time off on maternity (I get peanuts through work) he did not contribute to this.

Be gentle please

No, you’re already paying more. Don’t take on his debt.

What is his money going on? Stop paying for extras, as you earn the save, it should be 50/50.

@Happygogoat

I don't understand

"He's blasé with money" but "not a big spender" ??
How is he regularly getting in to debt/not paying things off? What's he buying? Sounds like he is living beyond his means.... but how if it's just the odd t shirt or football game and you earn the same yet manage to save and pay for all kids presents?

Something isn't adding up and you clearly have different approaches and attitudes to money and always have and always will. The car is just one issue but this is no way to live.

This. Where is his money going?

You need joint finances, op. You need a spreadsheet of every single outgoing, and that includes debt and savings. You will be much richer if you pool your money. You then go 50.50 on what's left

@Bmidreams surely by pooling before dividing I will then be contributing to his debt anyway.

Thanks for all the comments, clearly we need a chat and to sort things out. However, even if I don't contribute to paying off his debt it seems I am anyway. I'm still very angry about it as it puts all plans on hold for many many years, if not indefinitely, because no doubt something else will come up that will take priority.

Can't quite believe you have known this man 20 years and thought it was a good idea to have kids with him, and now you think is the time to complain about his spending. You've let him have 20+ years of building this habit, it's not going away now, you've had it. The time to change him has gone, 20 years ago.

For what it's worth, being in some kind of debt isn't bad as long as its manageable. You can use loans or credit cards to buy stuff and pay it off in monthly payments. But he's an idiot using a credit card for a car, he's probably paying way, way more than it's worth in interest.

You're not going to change the habits now and you've been silent for too long. You should have said something years ago if this bothered you that much. Communication is key after all in a relationship. No idea how you're going to sort this, other than continue ignoring it like you did before. I think you're both idiots to be honest.

It's interest free card. Did say that

It’s understandable you’re worried about money now, since your personal financial circumstances have much worsened since having DC, and your H has (at best) done as he wishes. If you can’t resolve the issues with your H on this, suggest couple’s counselling with someone good!

Planning for DC3 seems unwise given your history of anxiety about money and current relationship issues.

Your separate finances are clearly an issue here. You are paying for ‘your’ mat leave (to look after your children). He is getting into debt to pay for ‘his’ car (for ferrying your children). Utterly bewildering to me.

He hasn't done as he wishes, he pays for half of childcare (eldest still at nursery now) and pays for all food and toiletries, council tax, mortgage, broadband, gardening stuff, house upkeep stuff..i pay utilities and the other half of childcare. Kitchen, major house renovations etc have all been split down the middle. The issue here is the outstanding money on his card for the car

Agreed @flaviaritt that's what needs sorting. I just need to work out how to do it, as if what others have said by splitting it I absorb the debt anyway.

People calling me an idiot is especially helpful

Has he been used to you being a much higher earner? You earn the same as him on 3days a week. I guess before children you earned nearly twice as much as him? Is his head still in that space?

If he's not a big spender but always in debt, how come? Are you low earners with little left after paying for the basics, or something else? Are lots of little purchases adding up to an unaffordable amount?

I'd argue that a car per adult who needs one is a family expense, but the cost of buying and running it needs to be proportionate to what you can afford and ideally paid for out of savings not credit.

If you're the higher earner based on full time wages, wouldn't it make sense for him to be part time? Can he transfer the 0% balance to another card and continue to pay it off himself if the current offer has run out?

If you want to educate yourself about finances, I'd suggest looking at moneysavingexpert. They have lots of budget planners and also online finance courses. Plus sign up to the weekly email for ongoing tips about being good with money.

As for your household finances, I'd suggest that you get all income into one pot and pay all joint expenses out of that, including savings for annual and irregular expenses like cars, insurance, loss of income/maternity leave, holidays etc.

Once all that's covered, split the rest 50/50 to pay for personal non essentials like football matches and wine on a 'when its gone, its gone' basis, so this sort of spending is kept to an affordable level. If you're having to borrow to replace cars, that suggests that you might be spending too much on non essentials and not saving enough.

Paying for 1/2 of childcare, bills etc is the baseline/minimum, and as PPs have highlighted it was v unfair that you alone funded your mat leave. He’s done as he wishes by spending a lot, eg on the car, and you say other things, without your agreement.

OP can I suggest you listen to Dave Ramsey via podcast/ YouTube - I think it will help. I do think if you're married you should be combining your finances, however you need to have the same values on money - which means agreeing a budget and sticking to it. Including purchase of cars - these should be joint decisions. I think you need to sit down together and get the numbers all out on the table and look at forming a budget together and addressing the debt and your savings goals, together.

If you help clear his car debt he will probably find another big purchase to get into debt with.
You would be much better off putting any spare money you have into savings in your name only & then you have some financial cushion.
You do yourself a disservice by criticising yourself over your reluctance to get into debt, it sounds eminently sensible to me, especially with two young dcs.

Lordamighty

But the car is used for their kids. It’s not a frivolous expense.

The problem with clearing his debt, is that your clearing the debt and not the problem.

You're already taking up the financial slack as he's paying off his debt each month and can't afford to contribute (maternity is a typical example of this).
He's proved several times that he can't save for things and would rather use a credit card, until he breaks this cycle you'll always be the one saving and he'll always be the one spending and every so often your savings will pay his debt off. So he gets to spend twice without paying and you pay out twice, once into a savings account and secondly to his debt.

You need to have a conversation with him about this. You paying for your mat leave is atrocious, he should have picked up the slack in your wages. It's not a very balanced financial relationship at all.

It's a family car? I would feel uncomfortable with the debt, but would draw a line under it and go forward with combined finances and spreadsheet, making sure that large purchases are agreed jointly.

They already had a family car. He bought that car for himself & the OP knows it which is why she is reluctant to pay for it. She is already contributing more than him.

The OP says he bought the car for ds2 and seems to agree he needed a new car.

The problem with clearing his debt is that you’re clearing the debt and not the problem

Exactly this ^^

And the maternity leave situation is outrageous. You need to examine what's happening here.

What I find strangest is that it’s “his car” and “his debt” but you are holding a grudge that he didn’t buy the type of car you wanted. His money his choice (as ling as it fits the kids which it does). If you want Joint decision making then you need joint fnances.

It’s not ‘his’ money though: OP has been subsidising him by covering essentials.

You've had 20 years to discuss this stuff with him, but you decide to have two kids and complain to us about it. The only way it's going to be sorted is by talking to him. You could have told him to take the car back and get one more suited for your lifestyle.

He's shit with money, that's obvious. And he doesn't think about helping you with maternity leave, he doesn't see helping as necessary because you basically bail him out of it by saving. Why do you want another child under those circumstances?

Clear his debt if you want, keep bailing him out and have another kid. That sounds better than talking to him, right?