To contribute towards DH car debt

[HoHoHoOhNo]

So long story but before I start I admit I am basically scared to death of finances. Two sisters, one got mega into debt young and spent years clearing a black mark, the other married, moved into his home, committed to being a SAHM then lost everything when they divorced and ended up on every benefit imaginable. So be gentle, I tie myself up in knots about debt and stuff.

So been with DH for nearly 20 years, married only a few. We have a three year old and a 10mo. Historically he's been rather blasé about money, he will always pay with a cc and pay off what he can. The most debt I've known is about 8k due to car purchases and such but its usually between 1-3k To his credit, twice he's paid the full lot off over a course of years and then something else crops up and it starts again. Me on the other hand have five months of bills put away and and rather frugle with money. We have separate accounts, he pays half mortgage, half childcare, the food bills, I pay the same halves and all the utilities. I generally pay for all presents, kids stuff and christmas as he generally is strapped for cash once paying off lumps of his card each month. We earn exactly the same take home wage although I earn it in only three days part time. He is not a big spender, neither of us are very social (!) his money is spent on the occasional box of nice wine, maybe a football match or a new tshirt, but he's not flashy with money.
Two years ago he had cleared his debt and then admittedly had to buy a new car for ds2. The car he brought on a zero interest cc for fixed term. Admittedly it wasn't the most practical car, it fits the kids and a buggy so useless for a b&q run but it's his and it ticked a box. It means now we're back to square one. I am currently on mat leave returning to work in the new year. I'd love a third baby in a couple of years, we'd love a loft extension for space, but based on his plan to clear his card in three years he has very, very little disposable income so no baby, no loft.

So, should I contribute to paying this debt when I return to work instead of attempting to save? My fear is that I become a bank thay intervenes every so often at my expense. A sad thing to fear I know, but I am literally terrified of debt or being shafted by ANYONE that I can't think rationally about money.

The last three years BTW my savings were spent in paying for my extended time off on maternity (I get peanuts through work) he did not contribute to this.

Be gentle please

It seems crazy to me that he has debt and therefore you have debt and you have cash that could be used to pay it off but you haven't. I don't like debt so would have used the cash instead of paying for the car with credit. I would definitely get rid of the debt now if I was able to.

“We have separate accounts, he pays half mortgage, half childcare, the food bills, I pay the same halves and all the utilities. I generally pay for all presents, kids stuff and christmas as he generally is strapped for cash once paying off lumps of his card each month.”

In our house food/general shopping - nappies /toiletries is about £600. Our council tax £150 odd, energy £122, water £37, tv licence £13 so way less than shopping. There are still all insurances /MOT/ repairs to pay for but OP doesn’t say who pays those. A household budget is needed that accounts for everything and leaves similar disposable income.

Popping back in to say again that you really do need to talk. Statement of affairs with all in and outs and all bank statements for last 12-18 months. Work out where the money is going and compare your spending on kids clothes etc to bid on gardening and DIY stuff. It may end up even or it may not. What about all the little spending without thinking stuff. For example if I bought my lunch in work each day I would be spending £16.25 a week does he do that? Or always buy a coffee if he takes the kids to the park?

Just saw your post that he pays the council tax as well. I expect he pays out a lot more than you every month and finds it hard to manage.

I don’t understand why it’s all so separate. To us, a new car is a family thing, we talk about it together, discuss how we’re financing it, and pay for it with our money.

“He hasn't done as he wishes, he pays for half of childcare (eldest still at nursery now) and pays for all food and toiletries, council tax, mortgage, broadband, gardening stuff, house upkeep stuff..i pay utilities and the other half of childcare. Kitchen, major house renovations etc have all been split down the middle. The issue here is the outstanding money on his card for the car“

Does he pay the mortgage aline OP? So you literally pay half the childcare and “utilities”. The utilities only amount to a couple of hundred tops surely?

Sorry should say “alone“

I don’t understand why it’s all so separate. To us, a new car is a family thing, we talk about it together, discuss how we’re financing it, and pay for it with our money.

The whole thing is bewildering tangle of contradictions. I cannot see any net benefit in paying off an interest free loan early.

@Greysparkles

Why does he need to buy an estate car when you already have a big family car in the zafira? Why would you need 2 large family cars?

Yeah, that's what I was thinking - don't you both drive either car?

Sell the car to pay off the credit card. Or at least suggest it. He needs an incentive to manage his money better. It sounds like you are funding far more of your joint life on the same amount of money.

You are also sacrificing at least 40% of your earning potential by looking after your DCs 2 days a week. I say at least, as I would guess that you are not putting yourself forward for promotions either.

If don’t understand how if you have the same take home pay how you can afford to have savings, pay for your car outright, cover your share of the bills etc and everything for the kids but your DH has to buy his car on CC and presumably has no savings?

I understand your concerns about finances, but I do think they are clouding your judgement about your husbands spending - from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound excessive yet his money has to be doing somewhere?

It’s 100% not right that you have covered your maternity leave by yourself financially but I do think a lot of the replies on here would be different if it was you left with the CC debt and not your husband - people would be screaming about financial abuse!

Missed your update about what he covers before my previous post OP.

In that case it does sound like he pays his fair share so it seems strange to me that you have such separate finances.

[quote HoHoHoOhNo]@Greysparkles his suggestion. He wanted to take the pressure off me driving at the weekends, holidays etc as I do most of the trips in the week with the kids. He drives auto I drive manual.[/quote]
But, you could each drive the other's car. My most recent ex had auto and I have manual. We still both drove each other's cars.

You didn't need two big cars, you do need to share the driving on trips and he needs to step up to pay more while you have low income on may leave.

Basically, he needs to stop buying toys and thinking of his income as his alone!

My husband is a fuckwit with money. I've bailed him out so many times but the ridiculous cycle starts again.

Don't pay. He needs to learn to live within his means. I wish I had been stronger about this a decade ago.

I live in a house we bought to extend (and had the money to do so). The extension money is long gone and we are bursting at the seams. I never dared have a joint account with my husband as I feared he would spend the money but that means he views bills and mortgage as my responsibility. He spends more than I do a month but it's all on fun stuff, fancy car, wine, nice steaks, clothes - stuff I just don't give a shit about. To outsiders we look wealthy. Meanwhile all my children are sharing rooms (I have 5) and we barely have room to sit around the table together. I resent him and his choices terribly - he doesn't even have a pension so I'm going to be paying for him when he's an old man too.

This is one of those threads where I am just thankful that all money is family money for us as it gets ridiculously confusing. All those saying OP is being ripped off are not asking the question, when you worked full-time, pre children and want a lot more than DH, did you pay proportionately more of everything as the higher earner? It is almost impossible to find a fair system. We have one bank a/c which everything goes in and out of. We would not spend a large amount of money ( new car) without both agreeing on what is needed and how much we will spend. For every day stuff up to £100 or so, we trust each other. If all this was family money then there would be no notion of you using ' your' savings and him having car debt, you would both just do what was needed financially to get through this.

I totally agree we need to draw up a list of outgoings. I have mentioned it to him and he agrees. Does anyone have any pointers to calculators or advise online. I know there are budget ones about. I am obviously being thick about it all.

So a joint account, would include presents, kids clothes stuff, car MOTs and everything in between

Wait - he pays all the mortgage?

I think you need to actually work out how much each of you have coming in and what you're each paying for.
Then work it out that you each pay half for each car and then see how that looks.

I think it's crazy that you had to use your savings to fund your maternity leave.

Mind you, DP and I have just had words because he keeps using our landline and we don't have any calls included in our package. Which he agreed to, because it would save us money, except it doesn't because he keeps fucking using it!

Hi OP,
This is the budget planner or “statement of affairs” used a lot on “money saving expert” forums.

www.stoozing.com/soa.php

You need to trawl your old bank statements and credit card statements to find out what your spending now and discuss what you feel is a realistic goal.

Some people track their spending with pen and paper, some an excel spreadsheet or others an app such as YNAB (you can set budget pots and spend from each pot e.g. cubs subs from the “children’s activities” pot.

I’m still very angry about it as it puts all plans on hold for many many years, if not indefinitely, because no doubt something else will come up that will take priority.

Are they joint plans? It sounds like you want a third child with all the bits that go with it - is he on board with that and would he understand that it would mean him being less blasé about money?

You need to have a joint approach to finances, so agree what is a family purchase, and what’s a personal purchase (in our house cars would definitely be a joint purchase, with a clear budget and an agreement about how it would be paid for). If he wants a third child too he needs to be saving towards the additional costs eg mat leave, changes to the house etc - even if it means less disposable income. I’d also need an agreement that he doesn’t go into debt for things without a clear agreement between you.

At the moment your doing all the saving, and he thinks his money is his own after his part of the bills - which is fair enough except you’re picking up the ad hoc stuff that comes along and saving. Agree a savings pot and an amount he puts in every month, his money after bills and saving for joint projects is his.

I have a simple excel spreadsheet - our incomes go into this along with all our expenditure with an estimate for things like food and petrol. Anything left after we agree an amount for personal spending and an amount to go in savings. It means we both know where we stand financially as a family and we both know how much wiggle room we have financially.

And are you on the mortgage, OP?

@willitbetonight
Why do you tolerate this? he treats himself well everyone else’s needs are ignored. I’d be binning him.

Talking about it will be so good. My DH and I have very different attitudes to "how" we do things (I like to save, he likes to take sensible credit options) together we work it out and come to a really workable compromise.

My DH has changed his attitude to money and debt considerably as a result. He was in debt and before we met used to use pay day advance companies! The debt held us back at first but we got through it together. He's never been the same since.

We use a spreadsheet to manage every single penny. Everything goes on it. We use another spreadsheet to work out the averages of costs that change monthly (car, food, entertainment).

We pay a pro-rata amount of money into the account based on our income and crucially have the same amount of disposable income.

At least a Fiesta is cheap to run!

I don't think you should pay off his car but I do think all big decisions like that should be joint in future with the "how we pay for it" talk part of the starting point.

A nice box of wine 😂 sorry op but that did make me laugh.

Don't clear his debt for him.

The moment it's paid off, he'll be looking for something else to put on credit, and then there will be debt and you won't have any savings.