To contribute towards DH car debt

[HoHoHoOhNo]

So long story but before I start I admit I am basically scared to death of finances. Two sisters, one got mega into debt young and spent years clearing a black mark, the other married, moved into his home, committed to being a SAHM then lost everything when they divorced and ended up on every benefit imaginable. So be gentle, I tie myself up in knots about debt and stuff.

So been with DH for nearly 20 years, married only a few. We have a three year old and a 10mo. Historically he's been rather blasé about money, he will always pay with a cc and pay off what he can. The most debt I've known is about 8k due to car purchases and such but its usually between 1-3k To his credit, twice he's paid the full lot off over a course of years and then something else crops up and it starts again. Me on the other hand have five months of bills put away and and rather frugle with money. We have separate accounts, he pays half mortgage, half childcare, the food bills, I pay the same halves and all the utilities. I generally pay for all presents, kids stuff and christmas as he generally is strapped for cash once paying off lumps of his card each month. We earn exactly the same take home wage although I earn it in only three days part time. He is not a big spender, neither of us are very social (!) his money is spent on the occasional box of nice wine, maybe a football match or a new tshirt, but he's not flashy with money.
Two years ago he had cleared his debt and then admittedly had to buy a new car for ds2. The car he brought on a zero interest cc for fixed term. Admittedly it wasn't the most practical car, it fits the kids and a buggy so useless for a b&q run but it's his and it ticked a box. It means now we're back to square one. I am currently on mat leave returning to work in the new year. I'd love a third baby in a couple of years, we'd love a loft extension for space, but based on his plan to clear his card in three years he has very, very little disposable income so no baby, no loft.

So, should I contribute to paying this debt when I return to work instead of attempting to save? My fear is that I become a bank thay intervenes every so often at my expense. A sad thing to fear I know, but I am literally terrified of debt or being shafted by ANYONE that I can't think rationally about money.

The last three years BTW my savings were spent in paying for my extended time off on maternity (I get peanuts through work) he did not contribute to this.

Be gentle please

To be fair if it's interest free it's not that big a deal to use credit is it? I always buy things on interest free and then pay it off. It's how I've furnished my home and got a lovely kitchen.
I'm rubbish at saving though but good at paying back and it's satisfying when paid off.

My OH is similar OP and I share your fear of being seen as someone who can step in and help.

I have savings too whereas my OH has always lived on credit. He's recently paid off his outstanding loan and credit card balances due to some inheritance, and he's made the decision to destroy his credit card and just live inside his means.

Which is great, except it's month 1 and he's still spending like he used to, so I am worried that he's going to struggle in the run up to Christmas and want to put things on my credit card and pay me back. I am really not comfortable with that.

I've tried to encourage him to be more careful now he has no credit but he's just been so hyped about not having to pay out hundreds in debt each month that it's hard to get through. Hopefully this is just one month of excitement and next month he'll try harder.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

I used this to start. Then kept spreadsheet.
You can also have current account with other saver account with cards. So you can keep potatoes for different things. Dh found this much easier to visualise.

Potatoes = pots

And make sure you keep your own savings in your own account!

Thanks for the useful links, I'm going to make a start ASAP. Incase I wasn't clear we both pay half the mortgage. We're both joint on it. He pays council tax, broadband, I pay utilities. He does buy food but I buy clothes for the kids and all presents (we have large families) but perhaps there is something going amiss with contributions.
How do you decided what's shared e.g at the moment we pay seperate for car service, dentist, mobile use, petrol etc. Is everything thrown in the pot? Surely some is seperate.

How do you decided what's shared e.g at the moment we pay seperate for car service, dentist, mobile use, petrol etc. Is everything thrown in the pot? Surely some is seperate.

I would say all household bills should be split and there should be a joint fund for family and child-related expenses, such as food shopping, new clothes for the kids etc. Also their Christmas presents - it's not fair you should pay for them all.

Apart from that though, I think having separate spending money each, paying for your own cars and phones, dentist appointments etc is totally fine. That's what I would do.

nothing separate for us.
all big spend jointly agreed.
However, we are both 'careful' with money and have not fallen out about it in 20 years.

I feel like I’m missing something here, I can’t see that the DH has done much wrong? He pays half the mortgage, council tax, food, half of childcare etc. Why would he need to cover the costs of a family car, needed to fit new baby in, by himself?

OP says that he doesn’t treat himself very often so not wasting money that could be used for savings - unless I’ve missed something I think some people are being unnecessarily hard on him.

I also can’t really see what he’s done wrong, it looks like he pays half of everything and he has a car on 0% credit, and I’m presuming is meeting all the repayments on. This sounds like it’s your issue more than his as it’s not costing him any money to have this debt, it’s for something you admit he needed and the payments are manageable.

I can't see anything your dh has done 'wrong' at all.

@vdbfamily

nothing separate for us. all big spend jointly agreed. However, we are both 'careful' with money and have not fallen out about it in 20 years.

This is pretty much the case for us too. We only have one joint current account (+ a joint savings acct + savings accts for each child). I have a business account as I work for myself, but I don't consider any of that money 'mine', it's family money that gets transferred into the current account as and when we need it. I couldn't actually imagine having housemate-type finances as a married couple.

But we're broadly on the same page wrt attitudes to money and don't go in for debt, certainly not for CC debt.

If it was the OP with the debt and the husband was refusing to help pay it off people would be posting about financial abuse - instead people have actually posted that the OP should leave her husband because he spends all his money on himself whilst running up debt and not contributing to the OP’s maternity leave! The only evidence they have of this ‘treating himself’ is when the OP said he bought a nice box of wine!!!

I don't think you should bail him out but I also don't think you should be thinking of having a third child when finances are clearly so tight. I don't think anyone should be having more than two children unless there is A LOT of money sloshing around.

T

Thanks all for your input. We are going to sit down to go through everything.

Oh and for the record by box of wine I meant a box aka 12 bottles from laithwaites! He's partial to the mystery box. He's not a big drinker though so it lasts a long time.

I just think that if you're someone who doesn't usually deal in credit and debt it feels like a big deal when your other half has some. BUT that doesn't mean he's done anything wrong.

It doesn't sound like he's spending frivolously although potentially the need for a new car might have been questionable - did his old car only have 3 seats?!

I personally don't think it's that bad that OP supported herself through savings on maternity leave, especially as it sounds as though her DH IS covering half the mortgage and bills but also had debt to repay. I doubt he could have paid much more himself under those circumstances.

Thanks @Bibidy

If you can devise a joint budget and agree on issues such as what to divert to a savings account and a method for keeping tabs on spends such as family leisure then all you need is personal spending money separately.

However if you fundamentally disagree - say your other half wants a large hobby budget and you want to save then you would have greater separate money to achieve these goals.

I think car repairs should be joint as just say one of the cars needs a £700 repair then as a family you might decide that you can't put anything in savings that month and to move £100 from your leisure budget to meet the bill. As a family you can "roll with the punches" as they say on YNAB. If this has to come from personal spends their may not be enough money and then it gets put onto credit. It also leaves one person without any spending money.

My DH is a spender and I am much more like you OP.
We sat down and decided what is a household expense, including insurances, car repairs etc and how to pay. Proportionate suits us because I earn less.
We maintain our separate accounts and pay the agreed amount in. All payments are set up on DD so the only things where the cost might fluctuate are petrol and food. We don't really make any other purchases out of that account unless we discuss. We both have the bank's app and can check what's going on.

This works for us because I know (and DH knows) that if we just had a fully joint account I'd never get a look-in to spend anything because it'd be gone. He definitely is improving but it's very hard to change the habits of a lifetime.

@SBTLove I'm reaching that conclusion too. He's not wholly awful but the bad things are so bad.... our children think he's wonderful... obviously.