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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand why so many people are against adoption?

328 replies

Confusedamonium · 29/10/2020 16:35

Before deciding to adopt, I'd never really been aware of this but it appears that a huge chunk of society are really, really against adoption - and I just don't understand why.

SIL thinks children should be in foster care in case their parents change their minds or change their behaviour. She thinks permanently removing a child (no matter how much support has been offered or how long/severe the problems are) is unfair on the biological parents.
DM thinks that no one can love an adopted child as much as a biological child - despite what we tell her.

People make comments about how cruel it is that children are taken from their parents (to both the children and the parents). Can anyone actually explain why they think it's better that children either float around foster placements or remain in abusive homes? What really shocks me is that foster carers are perceived as saintly carers for innocent souls and adopters are perceived as evil child snatchers. My parents foster and get no end of praise for it but one mention of adoption and people turn frosty.

OP posts:

Shitzngiggles · 29/10/2020 17:36

That isnt my experience at all. All of my friends and family totally accepted my 2 adopted children. My mum especially is closer to my two than she is her other grandchildren . As for a pp who said adoptive parents cant love their children as much as a biological parent, words fail me. Who are you to say I love my children any less than anyone else. My children could not be any more loved by me and DH or indeed the rest of our extended family.
Some of our DC's friends are treated appallingly by their parents, yet apparently we are the ones that dont love our children quite enough according to some people on this thread.

Orangeblossom7777 · 29/10/2020 17:37

Rather than 'being against' I have met people who have found certain things daunting / challenging:

Firstly the time taken for the process / checks etc, stress of going through that

Secondly that if the child may have suffered some trauma prior to adoption how to deal with and help with it.

So maybe those things may be daunting / difficult for some people perhaps

EL8888 · 29/10/2020 17:37

I have nothing against it per se. But it’s not for me -people like to offer it as a solution to our fertility issues

Weekends · 29/10/2020 17:38

I'm a mum through adoption, and I have come across these views. Lots of talk around 'real parents' and confusion around the difference between foster care and adoption. Thankfully most people seem to regard me as the real mum, I think it's just the minority that think that.

CleverCatty · 29/10/2020 17:42

I'd happily adopt but preferably from abroad like China or South Korea.

I think having known people who have been adopted - it's the not knowing the birth parents and people who are against it are against that - you don't know birth parents, history of family etc.

I wouldn't be bothered if in UK either to be honest re not knowing history etc. I did think it was quite rare babies are available for adoption nowadays.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2020 17:43

3 of my Dds friends are adopted. I had no idea people had such vile views. Especially you @SimonJT, that’s horrible. I obviously realise from other threads you’re in a same sex relationship/ marriage - not sure which. I do agree it is probably because people struggle to understand how they could love a child, who is not biologically theirs. Personally if you choose to go through the gruelling process, I don’t see how you could not. You should not listen to your SIL’s idiotic views imo.

AlternativePerspective
Poor children. How awful for them.

Original poster

Confusedamonium · 29/10/2020 17:44

To clarify, I don't mean to say I don't understand why people are against adoption for themselves. I fully understand why people choose to have children biologically or via IVF or surrogacy etc and completely respect people's right to choose. I'm referring to people who are against other people adopting.

OP posts:

freddiethegreat · 29/10/2020 17:44

It’s about subconscious beliefs in a lot of cases & in others it’s use of language. My own grandmother always referred to my son as ‘my little adopted great grandson’. She had no idea why that was hurtful, because in her subconscious he was different from (lesser than?) her four great grandchildren by birth. You see the language thing here, with @calllaaalllaaammma who doubtless has the best intentions, but refers to non-adopted children as ‘their own’ & therefore, by implication, adopted children are ‘not their own’. Once upon a time I would have argued against that vehemently but I really haven’t got the energy left now.

@Juniperandrage I am sorry to hear that. The stereotyped image of adopters and adoptees is often as blatantly wrong as any other stereotype, of course.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/10/2020 17:45

Adoptive parents are undoubtedly real parents.
Unfortunately as investigated some SS agencies get it wrong. I think forced adoption with such a small timeframe can be questionable.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/10/2020 17:45

" In fact I have even seen suggested on here that people foster in order to earn a living. hmm."

I've heard that in real life too. It's good money for some people. I also have friends who fostered not for money who confirmed it goes on in their experience. It's a type of job isn't it.

fiddlerjo · 29/10/2020 17:47

My ex-MIL would always make the point that her only real grandchildren were the ones who weren't adopted.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/10/2020 17:47

I never knew parts of my family (the ones with kids conceived after one shag) thought infertility was a punishment from God until I was going through it. You get the true measure of someone by how they react when you’re doing through difficulty or major life changes.

In your position I would have yelled at them big time and then cut them off - it’s clear they’re setting up barriers between what they perceive as family and your future adopted child and don’t be surprised if they start treating them unfairly.

unmarkedbythat · 29/10/2020 17:48

About 15 years ago, when I started to get into the attachment parenting and parenting debate communities on LiveJournal, I came across anti adoption beliefs for the first time. I can still remember the ljer who shouted the loudest about it, jessy1019. She would post pictures of her and her children protesting with signs saying "adoption hurts babies". She wrote an anti adoption book. She was utterly batshit.

gabsdot45 · 29/10/2020 17:49

I'm an adoptive parent. I've heard the thing about not loving an adopted child as much as a bio child.

I've also been called a saint and my children have been told they're so lucky, I always say that DH and I are the lucky ones.

Adoption is a very emotive subject, I'm Irish and we have a terrible history of forced adoption, and mother and baby homes . It's no wonder so many people are "against" adoption. When you hear about some of the terrible things that happened.

Weekends · 29/10/2020 17:49

@Shitzngiggles
Completely agree with you - same here!
I could say nobody could ever love their biological child as much as I love my adopted child. I could ask the people with bio children why they thought to do that instead of adopting. But I never do of course as that would be rude - it's just a shame it is seen as socially acceptable by some to say those things about adoption.

I'm not talking about posters on this thread, I'm talking about real life experiences as a response to the OP.

unmarkedbythat · 29/10/2020 17:51

… to be fair, most people I was talking to on lj at that time were utterly batshit; anyone who remembers boojumooju, boojunewju, sf_drama and so on will know exactly what I mean

Goosefoot · 29/10/2020 17:52

In the UK, the aim is to keep children with birth parents if at all possible. The benefits system also (supposedly) ensures that children don't get relinquished purely for economic reasons.International adoption is potentially more tricky as you are taking a child away from their home country and culture. In some circumstances donating to an appropriate charity in that country may be more beneficial to the child. The USA system - being anti abortion but not much benefits safety net - does seem to mean that babies are relinquished much more than here.

Yes, but all of this is a change, over the past several generations, where adoption was viewed as the best choice in a lot more scenarios. Some of which now have had some pretty bad press. Many people felt that too little thought was given to the fact of the biological tie.

The kinds of anti-adoption attitudes being talked about are to some degree I suspect another example of the same basic change in viewpoint, that sees adoption much more as a very imperfect solution to a problem it would be preferable not to have.

firstimemamma · 29/10/2020 17:52

Hi op, as I made really clear in my first post, I happily accept that some people disagree with me and think that I'm wrong. I would never dream of sending you an abrupt message telling you that you're 'wrong' and wish you well. We are all entitled to our own opinion

Juniperandrage · 29/10/2020 17:54

Ooh, livejournal back in the day! That was an insane bear pit.

Original poster

Confusedamonium · 29/10/2020 17:55

@firstimemamma

What you're failing to grasp is that your opinion is provably wrong. Your opinion is that you don't believe adoptive parents love their children as much as their biological children. Adoptive parents are telling you that they do love their adoptive children as much as their biological children and you're still maintaining that opinion - therefore, you're calling adoptive parents liars. Yes, you're entitled to your opinion - but it's wrong and offensive. The fact you're entitled to it doesn't stop it being wrong or offensive.

OP posts:

Al1langdownthecleghole · 29/10/2020 17:55

As an adoptee, I'm afraid I don't have too many romantic notions about adoption, but with thought and care It can provide long term support and care to vulnerable and often traumatised children.

for anyone affected.

movingonup20 · 29/10/2020 17:56

Never seen this myself, I think my friends who adopted are saints! (They knee their dd had fas which is so unpredictable in outcome)

Shitzngiggles · 29/10/2020 17:56

@gabsdot45 I feel the same about being the lucky ones. I look at my 2 and thank God for them every single day. They are older teen and young adult now and they are both the most amazing wonderful young people and I'm the lucky one that gets to be their mum.

firstimemamma · 29/10/2020 17:58

I wish you well op and everyone is entitled to think differently. My opinion is just as valid as yours. All the best.

Original poster

Confusedamonium · 29/10/2020 17:59

@firstimemamma

I wish you well op and everyone is entitled to think differently. My opinion is just as valid as yours. All the best.

I don't have the strength - I really don't.

OP posts:

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