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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I resent my husband and it’s destroying me

106 replies

ThePinkGuitar · 25/10/2020 17:41

Together nearly 20 years. 2 children.
3 main reasons the resentment has built up. When I was diagnosed with ptsd 2 years ago and basically falling to bits had to pull myself together and on with everything as husband was having a difficult time with his nerves so I had to basically keep everything going for kids and him.
He’s a coward with his mum Loooong story but basically needs to stand up for himself and us and cannot.
3- we accidentally got pregnant with third. We were about to move house and financially it would have been difficult but not impossible. He basically admitted he didn’t want child and encouraged me to terminate - he didn’t force me but I knew he would prefer it. Guilt trip over our 2 dc having to miss out on things if a third cake along, not being able to move to a nicer area with kids, his mental health couldn’t take it etc etc
I did terminate and it was horrific had to do it alone as Dh stayed with children. When I was home I had some massive side effect became poorly so had to take myself off to hospital whilst extremely ill on my own and then find my way home I’m the middle of the night.
That was it for Dh all sorted but for me the resentment has built and built I feel so much anger and pain. My ptsd is awful. Right now I’d like to go to sleep and never wake up.
I feel like I’ll never be happy again.
I depend on him I don’t know if I’d cope alone but can’t bear to look at him if he touches me it makes my skin crawl.
I don’t know how I ended up in this life.

OP posts:

BlueJava · 25/10/2020 17:46

For your sanity (and maybe his and DCs too) I think you probably can't carry on as you are. I don't think something as big as the termination will calm down in your mind to a point of acceptance so you can continue as a happy couple again without help.

To me, it says you either have to seek counselling or decide you want to split. Maybe try the counselling first and then if this doesn't work split up if you can't reconcile.

PlanDeRaccordement · 25/10/2020 17:49

I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. Can you get help for your PTSD? I also have it and before therapy my primary emotion was anger. Anger towards everything and everyone around me. Could you be experiencing similar? Could the termination have worsened your PTSD as well?

I would try and get help for the PTSD before making any life changing decisions.

Original poster

ThePinkGuitar · 25/10/2020 17:54

Thank you both I am on a waiting list for more ptsd counselling. Yes the abortion definitely make the ptsd symptoms worsen I think.

OP posts:

SimpleC · 25/10/2020 17:56

((((((((@ThePinkGuitar)))))))))

You’ve had a truly horrible time and you don’t sound emotionally or mentally healed from it. I second the suggestion of getting counselling. Either as a couple (as your DH doesn’t seem to understand where you are at, at all) or on your own. Is your GP kind?

FizzyGreenWater · 25/10/2020 17:58

I think few marriages would survive something as unacceptable as pressuring someone into a termination.

And it sounds like that was the final straw with a cowardly man who doesn't have your back when the going gets tough.

You need ounselling, but be prepared for a split to be the answer that heals this. You would cope, by the way - it's likely that you would at least feel that you were living 'honestly' and that in itself gives tremendous strength.

If you did split, could you move to be nearer practical support?

Blarblarblar · 25/10/2020 18:00

I’m so sorry you are going through this @ThePinkGuitar it sounds really hard. You sound very very depressed and I agree with @PlanDeRaccordement don’t make any major decision till you get help for PTSD. It doesn’t stop you from getting things in order. Do you have close family you can talk to or friends? Let them know you are thinking of leaving. It sounds like you have had an incredibly hard time and he doesn’t sound like he’s been any support. You say you depend on him. Can you explain that?

Hailtomyteeth · 25/10/2020 18:03

You need help.
Does your gp know how you feel? If not, email a copy of your opening post.
You can go to A&E with suicidal thoughts, or phone for an ambulance. It's true. Sounds like you are nearly at that point.
You don't deserve this suffering. Many women terminate unwanted pregnancies. It's part of being an adult woman. Some never need to, others have that hard decision to make. But no-one talks about it, so we don't know how much some people suffer afterwards.
You seem to be carrying the weight of two people's mental health issues, not because you can but because you have to keep things going for the children. Eventually, it really will destroy you.

So, first port of call is the gp, by phone, tomorrow. Email the post, so you can draw their attention to it.

If you and your dh can have separate rooms, arrange it. You need your space, for recovery. You can't heal him, you can only gently help yourself.

Take very small steps towards your own healing. It might take a while. Good luck.

june2007 · 25/10/2020 18:03

DEf try to get some counselling. Also you need to talk to your husband.Sounds like you both have faced mh difficulties and neither tumps the other. But you be able to feel supported by each other.

ABCDay · 25/10/2020 18:06

Oh, OP, you've been through hell. I also think counselling would be a good idea, also speaking to your GP so that they know how you are.

My ex was very good at 'suggesting' things that I went ahead and did. It's only now, years later, that I can see how manipulative he was.

You sound like I felt for the last few years of my relationship, I was going out of my mind.

It's telling that you had to get on with things when you needed your husband's support the most but he was having a bad time with his nerves. Typical.

What do you depend on him for?

Imworthit · 25/10/2020 18:07

Just leave you'll never get over the resentment of him taking your baby. It will be hard and strange but so so worth it. Life will get better 💐

Imworthit · 25/10/2020 18:19

A baby sitter could have taken care of the kids. He doesn't give a shit how this has affected you and no amount of councilling will help him 'understand'. Believe me. My ex tried to take me sightseeing after that was 'done'. The nurse nearly knocked him out. 17 years have passed and I still feel sick when I think of it. He was over it within seconds. 🤮 Still so fucking angry!

BumbleFlump · 25/10/2020 18:26

The termination should have been your decision not his - sorry you went through this 💐

DoYouWannaBeInMyQuiche · 25/10/2020 18:32

OP, this is horrendous.

Agree with PP who suggest more PTSD counselling - though I also think the termination you can't get over, given that it was never really your choice. If you can't get over that, and you end up separating, you will be ok. People will support you. Do you have any really good, trustworthy RL friends that you can talk to about this?

BlueThistles · 25/10/2020 18:32

Sending sympathies OP, I'm so sorry for your loss

marveloustimeruiningeverything · 25/10/2020 18:35

I would tell him you can't get past it, that you resent him massively for it, and you would like him to go while you think about what you want to do going forward.

Mrsmadevans · 25/10/2020 18:38

l am so sorry you are in such pain , bless you my dear.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 25/10/2020 18:44

Hi OP

Not being there for you through your diagnosed PTSD is shit. Assuming he doesn't also have a diagnosed condition that was worse at the time.

Pressuring you into an abortion is shit. Expressing his preference and giving valid reasons such as not being able to afford to move house, the effect on your current children etc is, in my opinion, acceptable, but obviously this depends on how it was done (eg 'we need to think about how this would affect the children - we are likely to only be able to only afford x' is realistic but 'our kids will have a shit life because of your decision to keep it' is different.)

If you feel like some time apart would help you though I think you really should prioritise yourself at the moment.

Nailgirl · 25/10/2020 18:45

I'm so sorry. I have been in a similiar situation. You need urgent counselling before you can work out what you want to do.

Do you have family that can support you? or a support network for you in RL?

Greysparkles · 25/10/2020 18:47

I think focusing your anger onto your DH isn't helpful.
Focus on yourself, what you want and how to get there.
The blame game is useless, he didn't step up when you needed him to. But did you ask him to, have a conversation? Explain? Or were you a martyr about it?
He struggles with nerves, so I can understand why standing up to his mother could be problematic.
The third point. Ultimately you made that decision, he was entitled to give his opinion, and you were entitled to disregard it.

It seems to me that you need a sit down and a big conversation. It won't get better on its own

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/10/2020 18:51

I can’t believe he sent you off to do that alone 😲. That would be bad enough if you wanted to do it but you didn’t want to.

Awful way to treat your wife.

Meuniere · 25/10/2020 18:52

The blame game is useless, he didn't step up when you needed him to. But did you ask him to, have a conversation? Explain? Or were you a martyr about it?

Sorry @Greysparkles, but fuck that.
If a fully functioning adult can’t realise the effect leaving your partner on their own whilst they are going through something really not nice, needing hospital etc... then they either are utterly selfish or they neeed to give their head a serious wobble.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 25/10/2020 18:52

I think he's done a bit of a number on you over many years. You characterise things as though the problem in your marriage is your sense of resentment, as though it's some kind of mysterious phenomenon in itself that you are solely responsible for dispatching and moving on from. But why wouldn't you resent him? He sounds like a pig. He pressured you into a termination you didn't want and couldn't even man up enough to go with you and hold your hand, or support you when you had complications. He can't handle your PTSD because of 'his nerves'. You had to go ahead with the housemove etc instead of having the baby because 'his mental health couldn't take it'.

Where are your needs in all of this? It doesn't sound like they're being met at all because he's too busy competing with them in every situation. No wonder you resent him. No wonder he makes your skin crawl. Why do you think you can't cope without him? Is that what he says?

Meuniere · 25/10/2020 18:56

@@ThePinkGuitar, you need to stop.

Until now you have been the one who kept the plates spinning.
Unfortunately your DH is too dim to realise it doesn’t mean you are well. Or coping.

So please stop. And put yourself first. Before him (regardless of how much he says he is struggling). And also before dcs (their dad should step up this time).

Do what makes you feel better atm. And avoid triggers/what makes you feel worse.
Would you be able to get some private counselling whilst waiting for the NHS one?

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 25/10/2020 19:03

Oh @ThePinkGuitar sending so much love. which you deserve. please be kind to yourself. xx

butterpuffed · 25/10/2020 19:03

It's bad that you weren't offered counselling when diagnosed with ptsd, please seek some now.

It's hard to tell if your husband was manipulative or putting his reasons across .

Wishing you luck and hoping you find some peace

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