I resent my husband and it’s destroying me

[ThePinkGuitar]

Together nearly 20 years. 2 children.
3 main reasons the resentment has built up. When I was diagnosed with ptsd 2 years ago and basically falling to bits had to pull myself together and on with everything as husband was having a difficult time with his nerves so I had to basically keep everything going for kids and him.
He’s a coward with his mum Loooong story but basically needs to stand up for himself and us and cannot.
3- we accidentally got pregnant with third. We were about to move house and financially it would have been difficult but not impossible. He basically admitted he didn’t want child and encouraged me to terminate - he didn’t force me but I knew he would prefer it. Guilt trip over our 2 dc having to miss out on things if a third cake along, not being able to move to a nicer area with kids, his mental health couldn’t take it etc etc
I did terminate and it was horrific had to do it alone as Dh stayed with children. When I was home I had some massive side effect became poorly so had to take myself off to hospital whilst extremely ill on my own and then find my way home I’m the middle of the night.
That was it for Dh all sorted but for me the resentment has built and built I feel so much anger and pain. My ptsd is awful. Right now I’d like to go to sleep and never wake up.
I feel like I’ll never be happy again.
I depend on him I don’t know if I’d cope alone but can’t bear to look at him if he touches me it makes my skin crawl.
I don’t know how I ended up in this life.

I'm so sorry your husband was not there for you in your pregnancy 💐 If you can afford it, private therapy might be the way forward. Your mental health is important not just for yourself, but for your children. Put yourself and your children first x

He literally does not care enough to ask why you are upset and crying.. 🌺

@Darnley

I’m sorry . Counselling won’t work for PTSD. The only thing that will work is something called EMDR. It’s bloody amazing. If you google emdr therapists in your area, I’m sure there will be a few to choose from. Good luck and I hope you can find some peace.

This isn’t true for everyone. Counselling with specific trauma therapy worked for my PTSD.

I’ve sent a couple of emails regarding the emdr with local counsellors to see if it might’ve affordable at all if not I am on the waiting list for nhs counselling treatment

You’re right. I found it so amazing that I’m a bit evangelical about it now.

@ThePinkGuitar

I’ve not spoken to him since yesterday. He could tell I’ve been crying my eyes are swollen from crying so much last night. Looked an absolute horror on the school run today but he’s not asked once if I’m ok. I’ll have to speak to him at some point keep up the pretence of civility but not just yet.

God he sounds like such a fcking arsehole. No wonder you feel so alone OP. I disagree completely with people telling you that it’s not him, it’s your emotional state. It is NOT wrong to expect emotional support from the person who is supposed to live and cherish you most in the world and it’s unforgivable that he’s acting so coldly and so cruelly. I know PLENTY of couples who have been through losses and have had lots of love and care and support from their partners so this idea that it’s “all in your mind” is bollocks. It couldn’t be clearer from his actions that he is incapable of offering you empathy, kindness or comfort. Listen to your gut and don’t minimise or explain away what it’s telling you. Please read the book “too good to leave too bad to stay”- I think it will really solidify your feelings and open your eyes to what a healthy functional relationship should be like. You deserve it!

I think it,s no good blaming him for not asking about you when you have not spoken to him either. Perhaps he wanted to but felt alientated? Anyway soemone has to make the first move.

Journal to process the emotion. Write it out.
Make sure you are getting enough - be kind to self and give yourself a break literally pare back unnecessary jobs and just allow yourself rest
Start a small meditation practice. Nothing as good as mibdfuulness for emotional regulation

I think that you're doing well just to follow up suggestions re therapy. It shows that you are proactive and have some fighting spirit! Well done!

One of those absolutely selfish and nasty but also completely WEAK men who can't even own it - can't even look you in the face and ask if you are ok because they know full well that you aren't and the reason you aren't. La la la, fingers in ears, COWARD.

utter skulking keep quiet and she'll shut up again nasty little mean COWARD.

OP I wish you all the best with counselling and finding a way through this, hopefully to a life without him in it.

FizzyGizzywaer do you actually know this man?? Since you are calling him a coward.

Things have moved on but not for the better...

Long story short things were starting to improve somewhat we were starting to show each other a bit of affection.
Then last night happened.
Basically ever since abortion husband keeps promising he will have the snip but hasn’t done yet (blames Covid) he doesn’t like using condoms boo boo.
I won’t have sex without protection obviously so we have not had sex since.
I said I would like the option so he needs to push on with snip but then he dropped the bombshell he’s not sure now he doesn’t definitely not want another child. 🤔
He was very sure last year we could afford it couldnt manage etc etc
Our finances have not dramatically changed or anything.
Wtf?

I am not surprised things haven’t got better. This thread seems to have opened your eyes to the fact that you can’t rely on your DH. He doesn’t provide you with emotional support and your clearly struggling.

To be absolutely clear I told him if I had to go through that last year I would definitely no be having a third dc in the future. I was explicitly clear on this point.

Oops just seen your update. He truly hasn’t understood that the termination you had has caused you deep emotional distress. Another example that he doesn’t seem to care about you at all and to suggest he may want more DC would be like a kick in the stomach for me.

Oh god what a horrible man. He sent you off to get an abortion on your own then when it comes to a little snip for himself he decides actually he might not be against another. I wouldn't be able to sleep in the same bed as him. I really think you ought to speak to a solicitor about what your financial situation would be if you left him. I dont think your mental health can improve while you're trapped in a house with him.

He just wants unprotected sex OP.

You deserve better than this

You have a selfish and totally unempathic DH.
Thing is unless you specifically explain and tell him how you feel he won't get it.
I would pay for counselling if you can so you can offload your sadness and anger. Hopefully you will feel less distressed.
But you need to tell DH what is going on in your head. He won't magically become kind and thoughtful but if he knows how you feel you can decide if you cal live with him by his actions.

Feel physically sick and he’s gone off to work so got to face the school run again.
How did I end up in this horrible life

You poor thing. He is a cunt. I am so sorry for you. Can you start taking steps, however small, to leaving him?

Pink I am so so sorry. You deserve so much more than this and I'm so glad to hear that you're going to be prioritising your mental health. I'm sorry if I missed an update somewhere and this has already been answered, but have you told a friend or family member IRL about how you are struggling? It sounds like your H has no regard for your feelings and talking to a loved one and gaining some support from them may ease the load a bit.

The fact that he won't get the snip and puts all contraceptive and reproductive responsibility on you is simply shameful, especially since he pressured you to get a termination.

@Caeruleanblue

You have a selfish and totally unempathic DH. Thing is unless you specifically explain and tell him how you feel he won't get it. I would pay for counselling if you can so you can offload your sadness and anger. Hopefully you will feel less distressed. But you need to tell DH what is going on in your head. He won't magically become kind and thoughtful but if he knows how you feel you can decide if you cal live with him by his actions.

Anyone with a heart would understand how OP feels. Her husband, who is supposed to be her closest ally, should definitely understand that his wife who has been diagnosed with PTSD, suffered a traumatic termination experience and is walking around with eyes swollen from crying, is not ok. 'Communication' is pushed so much now to keep women with men who don't treat them well.

I think having the snip is not a small thing. Can you have longer term contraception? Condoms are rubbish thats how I got number 1 so I wouldn,t rely on them. TElling him to get the snip is like him telling you to get your tubes tied neither of you makes that decision for the other person.

Definitely get some counselling - lots of counselling can be done via FaceTime or whatever so no need to wait due to lockdown.

Try and get your DH to at least the first session with the counsellor as this will help you both communicate. Also may help him be more supportive as you continue your conselling sessions.

I hope you also have other support (close family / friends) who you can rely on too.